Why Black Men Date Fat, Ugly, White Girls [The REMIX]

Some of the SMARTEST & REALEST things I read all week [hell, all month] were posted yesterday on VerySmartBrothas [http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/a-final-word-on-this-tyler-perrylove-jones-mess/] by a very talented brother named The Champ, who wrote: 1st) The prevalence of [dumb]-ass n*ggas — people who either can’t or just refuse to actually read — has become pandemic, then 2nd) “Black people” and “satire” just don’t seem to mix very well, followed by 3rd) Seriously, how the f*ck can anyone read that and think it was real??? All those points above have led me to rehash a guest post I made on a site a few weeks back that had damn near every DUMB-B*TCH trolling across the Black Blogosphere going nuts and proving they don’t have any humour OR common-f*^king sense.

Here is the post I wrote:

There are 3 types of men in the world now: Breast men, A*s men and Black men. Breast men are always looking for a succulent pair of tittays to sink their teeth into. A*s men are always looking for that perfect bubble enhanced by the curvature of a woman’s lower back and how it connects to her gluteal fold (Google anyone?). But, Black men differ from the other two types of men because its not just about T Or A individually: We want it ALL.

While white and asian culture exalts their skinny to slim girls and keeps the voluptuous ones on the outskirts of attractiveness, Blacks are the complete opposite. We drool over the Melyssa Ford’s, Tahiry’s, Esther Baxter’s and whichever video h0e is hot in the streets this week (whatever happened to that trick from Drake’s “Find your Love” video?) And give sweet yet nuanced compliments to skinny girls who have cute faces but lack the thickness we like such as Zoe Saldana and Thandie Newton. Black men LOVE themselves a lot of woman – and when many of us hear you can get these women WITHOUT much effort or having to put up with too attitude JUST by crossing over the border and dating white women, n*ggas is getting their Usain Bolt on regardless of whether or not she looks paler and chubbier than an actress who had to audition for a role in Twilight and The Biggest Loser back to back.

Allow me to sum up my thesis in 5 distinct points:

1. Who Said We Know The Difference Between Thick & Fat In The First Place?

Most Black men don’t even think their Outside Linebacker of a girlfriend is even that fat anyways. In the Black community, how many times have we debated over the difference between thick and fat? It’s an ongoing debate with no resolution in sight. Sometimes when you see a brother walking with a girl looking like Kevin Love, he probably just thinks she “thick as hell” even though she looks like a pregnant Polar bear to the rest of us. Plus even if he thinks she’s overweight, it doesn’t faze him because…

2. Let’s Be Honest – Most White Women Weren’t Just Born With Knee Pads – They Were Born With NHL GOALIE Pads

Look it’s 2011 and oral sex is an understood and accepted part of sex. The Beenie Man “Crazy Notion” days are DONE and brothers want some head – and Fat, White girls are serving that on the menu quicker than any other women. While other women may have to tap out because their Jaw feels like it’s been in a Cain Velasquez fight, Fat White Girls fight through the pain (and their gag reflex) to please their man in any way he wants because…

3. You Haven’t Met Anything With Lower Self-Esteem Than A Fat, White Girl

I have a lot of white guys for friends and they are some damn STICKLER’S for weight. White boys will call a girl fat over some damn “muffin-top” and a few extra pounds, while Brothers look at the same girl like “N*gga, she slim!” Fat white women are constantly ostracized, insulted and lampooned (and harpooned) in the white community, but can actually find a semblance of acceptance and appreciation amongst men in the Black community who characterize them as SEXY instead of beached whales. That boost in self-esteem will play itself out in the bedroom, leading to Black men wanting to keep them around, especially when…

4. You Haven’t Met Anything With MORE Ignorance Than A Black Woman

Why deal with a woman of any race or culture who is too argumentative, independent, combative and likely to CUSS your monkey-a*s out when you can get the physical love from a fat White woman without all that? Well the reality is…

5. Some Black Men Are Just Too P*ssy To Handle A Real Woman

And the fat, white girl has nothing to do with what he likes, but moreso is a representation of what he’s running from. Because there are a LOT of bad, feisty, sexy, smart white girls out there and these same brothers made a point of ignoring them just as much as they do all Black women.

Now we’re not going to talk about this topic, because any non-homotional p*ssy can clearly see it was a joke – but I would rather focus on the reactions to it – by uptight, stupid-a*s and obnoxiously self-righteous LOSERS who constantly feel the need to put down others in a vain attempt to legitimize their own frail sense of intelligence. Though I have to shout out the many people who LOL’D at the post and kept it moving, This post initiated such “well-read” and “witty” comments such as:

“Sounds like you need an excuse to cross over …that shit is just tired. It is all about attitude and personality yes some women are sassy but they should be. Why do you want to be with a door mat. Is the ego so bloated? Can you not handle someone with an opinion and not go for the okie doke every time?”

and

“i’m a black woman. happy 90% of the time, not angry at life, not downtrodden, not apt to “cuss your monkey arse out” (i’ve never called anyone a “monkey arse” in life”

and..

“This Nigga is a true Nigga. The only ignorant thing here brotha is you. “

and even..

“but you know what, if you dont want me – im fine with that.. just dont be on twitter/gchat/email asking for my pictures if this is how you feel about black women.
yes.
shots
fired.
*drops mic”

I hate to sound like a self-aggrandizing prick and I usually don’t rate my own writing, but that was FUNNY. But with that said, if you didn’t find that humorous, that’s cool because we all have different senses of humour and some people won’t find a satirical, humorous commentary funny – usually because of a case of rampant douchebaggery which keeps them trapped in a maze of ahumerous . So feel free NOT to laugh – but if you got OFFENDED at that and your name is NOT Roseanne Barr or Rosie O-Donnell – you simply are a F*^king LOSER.

And I KNOW you LOSERS all too well: You sit behind your laptop, create a “witty” yet wholly unrealistic and arrogant handle like Muze [when you’re deep and brooding sensibilities couldn’t fill the shallow tip of a condom] or SmartFoxGirl [when your IQ really rivals Ed O’Bannon’s NBA career scoring average and you’re really as foxy as Danny Glover in an adult sized latex onesie]. You are the same pretentious, condescending faux-intellectuals who feel it’s your duty to police the humour, thoughts and opinions of others on the internet, and fervently register your b*tch-a*s complaints when something offends your delicate sensibilities – unless it was written specifically by someone at VSB, in which case you will proceed to open your mouth wide and deep-throat your mouse wishing it really was ‘Panama’s canal.’

You BORE me. Mainly because you aren’t intellectual, or smart, or intelligent, or brooding – but mostly because you’re corny and unoriginal. One girl even wrote:

“#1-4 makes sense. The #5 is simply to throw the sisters a bone and to let them feel better after reading the rest of the post.”

yeah and the smart women figured this out.

NO, YOU DIDN’T – and that’s why I CONSTANTLY speak out against proclaiming yourself to be an intellectual when you REALLY AREN’T. The “Smart women” weren’t even “smart” enough to decipher any semblance of my real feelings in this comedic post, even though they were succinctly stated in ONE sentence, but if you’re SO smart, I’m sure you can guess, right?

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I BOUGHT this domain name (didn’t actually start the site until April 1st, so clearly I don’t know A LOT about blogging, but I do know it’s predicated on insightful entertainment. You write to have your readers experience different emotions [including laughter] and If you think writing a blog, or commenting on one essentially elevates you to the highest levels of the cerebral intelligentsia, not only are you WRONG but you’re nothing more than a self-interested r*sshole with unfortunate delusions of grandeur.

Simply put: Go F*^K yourselves.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

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