Why Successful Women Are Damn-Near UNDATEABLE

It was hard enough dating her when WE were making all the money

In THIS POST I wrote yesterday, Malik posted this gem:

“Well to be fair, women having careers is relatively new phenomenon. This may be the first generation where the majority of women are expected to have jobs. A woman’s femininity isn’t based on whether or not she can ‘bring home the bacon’ conversely that is in part how men and women define masculinity.”

Allow me to expand on that piece of real talk from my OWN perspective.

And to assist me, I have copied in ANOTHER comment from that very same post made by ATLienSince82:

“I don’t think yawl females know how to deal with being a career woman just yet…some of yawl making 100K a year and mad cause you gotta be the financial head of the household and the other half of you making that kinda money don’t know how to treat a man with any respect..”

And therein lies my point as it pertains to Successful career women. What makes these women, who for all intents and purposes should represent amazing catches, seem to be the very type of women that men nowadays are attempting to steer clear of, is the idea that these WOMEN don’t know how to settle into their OWN success.

See, the most accepted school of thought on this subject is that, most men who “can’t handle” a driven, successful woman are mostly just b*tch-asses who don’t have the prerequisite amount of BALLS to deal with all the GREATNESS that is the modern day woman. But what we haven’t investigated is the fact that a lot of these women aren’t even comfortable in their own SUCCESSFUL-ASS skin their damn-self.

"Making 225K a year is really f*^king up my relationship"

Men and women have ALWAYS had trouble seeing eye-to-eye since the beginning of time when Fred used to cuss Wilma’s ass out for not dropping off Pebbles at Barney’s yard for at least ONE night so he can get some much needed reverse-cowgirl action. Men and women just have very different outlooks on things and that’s just inherenly built into us. But in the last 30 years, something strange happened that made it a MILLION times harder for us to get along: Women started to become just as, and in many cases, MORE successful than men – and it seems in many cases it occurred all too fast for WOMEN just as much as it did for MEN.

Now I personally think there is nothing SEXIER than a BBW [NOT Mo’nique, I mean Black Business Woman like I wrote HERE] and I have constantly made a point of stating that the more women keep reaching for the sky, the more attractive I, and other men with sense, will find you. But while it’s clear that successful women are happy about climbing the professional ladder, they are NOT happy with climbing OVER the vast majority of potential male suitors out there and even LESS comfortable with maintaining a healthy and non-emotionally abusive relationship with these men.

"Driver, what time is it? 4 PM?! Well, it will be HAMMER time if this nigga doesn't have dinner out when I come home!"

Now I am NOT speaking on single successful women because we have talked about them to DEATH, but we are discussing the dynamic of the successful woman who is in a relationship with a man who is NOT as successful.

So here’s my thesis: The reason why so many men are having difficulties dealing with successful women in relationships is because being the successful bread winner is so NEW to women on a whole, that the flourishing and prosperous woman has not been able to truly or accurately define how she WANTS to be treated by men period.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

151 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    05/05/2011 at 5:06 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Agree That Successful Women Do Have A Lot Of Difficulty In Stating How They Realistically Want To Be Treated?

    Or Are We Reaching Too Far Here And The Problem Lies In B*tch-Ass Men Who Can't Handle The New Modern-Day Gender Roles?

  2. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 7:42 AM

    Women, at the end of the day, still need to be treated like women. The problem lies in that when some women reach a high level of success, now they believe they are bigger, better, more dominate than the men they are with. Unless the man she is with is making equal to or greater than what she is. This means that a lot of these type of women view financial success as equal to who should do what and who should be the leader of the relationship. That tends to be why most men steer clear from the outset from this type of woman.

  3. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 7:45 AM

    I would also go as far as to say it should not be considered bitch assness if a man does not want to date a certain type of woman. He has that right not to just as a woman likewise has the same rights to choose who she dates.

  4. Vicky

    05/05/2011 at 9:37 AM

    There are waaaaaaay too many reasons why this could be difficult and not simply that successful women do not know how they want to be treated.

    Simple math of becoming successful, go to high school, then off to university for x amount of years (depending on the course of study and if there are any further courses required for your plan), find a job (let's just say a corporate position), work your way up and TA DA – Success! Now, let's not forget the personal issues that go along the way. High school sweet heart shatters your heart, your university bf cheats on you and marries the next girl, you find a job and get treated unfairly, why? Simply because you are a women! Just growing up in general does a number to a women.

    Point of this rant is very simple, successful women tend to have a thicker shield because of their hardships of getting to where they. People are still getting used to the fact that women are now "bringing home the bacon" instead of men…….and that's both genders! The successful women has forgotten how to be treated like a lady for the simple fact that to get where she is, she needed to "act like a guy".

    Let's be real – how many of you know a successful woman who is girlie girl? Most are strong, articulate, well educated and very stern. How many can say that the woman managers, directors, CEO, VP, etc, are "b*tchier" than their male counter part? How many would rather work for a male, than a female?

  5. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 10:14 AM

    And those women, unless they make adjustments, will be alone.

  6. Danni

    05/05/2011 at 10:21 AM

    I could literally talk about this subject all day!!!!

    But I'll just start by saying that it sucks that we live in a time where women who choose to use their God-given gifts, to pursue their dreams, become LESS attractive to men. It's really, truly sad.

  7. GinaforDummies

    05/05/2011 at 10:21 AM

    I am an avid believer in, "if you can't get what you want on your own, you don't need it." That being said I'm 21, I'm in college and I have a part-time job. I don't look to a man for anything, and I never have. Maybe it's because of the "absentee-father" or my "successful" mother, but either way I don't depend on anyone let alone a man. In your other post today about the "3 Types of Ninjas the Black Community Can Do Without" you basically touched on why I can't, and won't depend on a man because they aren't what they used to be like my grandfather.

    That being said, I'm after success. I'm in college, on my straight and narrow to graduate school pushing towards being somebody, whether in a cubicle working a 9-5, or publishing my novel, whatever I want to get what I need on my own, and if a man can't handle me wanting my own, and not depending on them, picking up the tab when I'm on a date (because trust me I don't want to accept ish from just anybody), then that's on them. Yes, it would be great to be treated like a woman, but success or no success (because I have yet to reach that level) MEN don't know how to be a MAN, and their egos and pride get in the way of what's important. Gender roles have definitely switched, and since a man can't be your protector (that's the natural order men-protector women-nurturer) then you 'gotsta' do what you have to do. Point blank period. If they can't deal, catch you in traffic…. (pulls off in my car). I really hope that someone can handle me getting what I want on my own.

  8. Malik

    05/05/2011 at 10:33 AM

    Neither side knows what the new gender roles are now. So it's a 'people' issue moreso than 'male' or 'female' issue. Successful women may put on a veneer that they're more enlightened to the times and that there shouldn't be an issue with the woman making more money, however eventually when an argument is going to come about women are going to attack 1 of 2 things (if not both) guaranteed: How well he is at sex and how he much he provides in relationship/family.

    You can't have it both ways. On one hand you're completely fine with making more money than him because you're a 'strong liberated women' but on the other hand you are always attempting to emasculate him because he doesn't make as much money as you. That's not how it works. If you'd rather be in a relationship with a man who makes more money than you, that's completely okay and understandable.

  9. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 10:35 AM

    I will wait for more fellas to comment before continuing to comment further. I will add that GD, your view(s) are shared by a lot of women and tend to keep women lonely for a very long time. Men do not need to adjust simply because women have achieved a bit more and a lot of guys actions are consistent with that.

  10. Crystal Promo-Fernandez

    05/05/2011 at 11:01 AM

    And I'm not trying to sound like a bitch I am asking honestly…

  11. Habib Salim Thomas

    05/05/2011 at 11:05 AM

    No you shouldnt. No for me…I dont have a problem with a successful woman and I dont understand….well I do understand why other men would but I never cared about being the "bread winner"….because we both win lol

  12. EricaVAIN

    05/05/2011 at 11:17 AM

    Interesting…… Some women this may be the case for and then the other 50% know how they want to be treated and maybe men think that the standards are too high and unattainable or they believe that that particular woman isn't worth all of that. I honestly believe that alot of it is the age in which women rise to success. When you are a younger woman and you find success quickly it is even harder for you to find a man your age that understands and is mature enough to even try and sustain a relationship with you. I can speak as a prime example of that when I was 21 years old, in a relationship and growing more successful and intelligent by the minute. My dude was intimidated, unsympathetic to my schedule and selfish. All I want from him was time and attention here and there. It didn't matter to me that he hadn't decided on a career, started school, had barely any money (compared to myself) or even moved from his momma's house yet. But hey those are just my thoughts…. http://EricaVain.com

  13. ChloeRayne516

    05/05/2011 at 11:58 AM

    Yup, this reminds me of that movie Baby Boom with Diane Keaton I remember what her boss told her before she quit after he gave her account to a lower Advertisting Executive because she was trying to juggle raising a baby and staying on top of her game at work.

    He told her "You can't have it all"

  14. BlueDesert

    05/05/2011 at 11:58 AM

    First t.his is a great topic!

    I believe it is a people issue as well. It is like Ginger and Fred and dancing. A relationship takes two. The leader is looking forward and directing and the follower is doing everything backwards with heels on.

    That being said there are roles and responsibilities for each participant. The leader protects and respects and the follower (not in a negative way) supports, guides and suggets how the dance can be smoother based on their perspective. This way it works as a finely tuned unit. (it has to be about the unit not only one party or the other) If you are not ready for that it is not time for a relationship.

    Also for either gender if you want to lead then lead .. but you cannot pick and choose just the parts that work best for you. If you are the bread winner don't get mad when you are picking up the tab … if you make 225k and they make 50k guess what the bukl of the financial burden is on you, thats reality. If you make 50k you may have togo along with the program. And for either party if that is not working for you then you need to change your program.

  15. imakesense

    05/05/2011 at 12:15 PM

    Exactly, why do guys always say that? I only see that in movies. Are their really females that rub it in your face like that in reality? Who is really like that? Come on.

    Its not hard to separate your professional life from your personal.

  16. ATLienSince82

    05/05/2011 at 12:56 PM

    It ain't even that serious…my thing is "do you girl…but just don't be a bitch about it"

    Is that a real hard request?

  17. BADDEST

    05/05/2011 at 1:04 PM

    'UNDATEABLE!' ( in Seinfeld voice….im geek for even remembering the episode!!)

    side bar: In a world where women dont actually NEED men for anything ( including even having babies !!) how do we expect for the natural and typical male/female relationships to occur?

    Men say they want a strong succesful woman, one who commands respect in the board room….and for the most part I believe them……..BUT they also want a woman who is capable of raising a family and holding down a home…which is fine……..aint nothing wrong with wanting it ALL……but lets be honest with ourselves….
    Women get the double shaft here(no pun intended LOL)…..basically it comes down to….we keep up with the boys club, prove ourselves to the world but are stil expected to be everything a woman was traditionally expected to be(good mother,good cook, good housekeeper etc)…..and im not saying it isnt possible…..all Im saying is that its sure one tall order to fill in one human being and my theory is that balancing all these archetypes is what is becoming increasingly difficult for women….hence making us unapproachable to men

  18. A Grown Ass Man

    05/05/2011 at 1:11 PM

    Sorry Danni I wasn't trying to imply that all successful women are overly cocky and condescending..

    But, the thing I like about this article is that it addresses an issue many BBW's don't want to accept as even a possibility of why their relationships fail: The fact that her own attitude towards his level of success (or lack thereof) could be the defining downfall of their union..

  19. Double K

    05/05/2011 at 1:24 PM

    In response to "It seems that women really have to choose between career or family."

    Sad but true, but this FACT is pretty much the basis of most systematic sexism in the workplace…in terms of duties and jobs. I can't speak for now, but back in the day I would assume that most people that did not hire women did so because they knew this was a unpredictable possibility.

    Yes, there are a few that wouldn't have hired a woman because they believed women are weak (which in my opinion makes them run-of-the-mill misogynists). What I am referring to though is corporate greed. None more true than in industries that seemed to be more traditionally male dominated. "Why hire somebody that could possibly out of commission for an undetermined period of time." Those employers could expect a man to work all the time, nonstop; and if you should fall behind, fire him and get a new one. Even if he got sick or was going through personal issues. He'd be expected to leave so that another man can take over his duties. Nobody in their right mind would fire a woman because she became pregnant.

    You see, with woman being introduced into the workforce, there wasn't just to push for basic woman's rights, but overfall human rights as well. If a woman can take time off work then men can now do it as well.

  20. @drosechronicles

    05/05/2011 at 1:30 PM

    I don;t really agree with anything you said in this post! I think that a woman's success in her career has nothing to do with what type of person she will be in a relationship. If she has issues being with a man when she is successful, nine times out of ten that is a character flaw that she would still have if she was not successful career wise. I also think that men are just as much responsible for the relationship not being able to work because they themselves are not comfortable with the changing dynamics of working women. I also think one of the main issues is the way we define success as a culture. Instead of focusing on what one has actually attained, we measure success by a dollar amount. If an women make more than her man in an entry level position and he is a manager, supervisor, ceo, etc. but makes less does that really make the woman successful, naw she just got a good ass job. I do think women have many issues that prevent them from being in a successful healthy relationship with a men these days but I would not put too much weight on career success.

  21. MistaHarsh

    05/05/2011 at 1:45 PM

    2520's?? what's a 2520?

  22. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 1:49 PM

    Now if I had to choose, I would choose the woman who handled business at home. (in response to women having to do both bring home loot and perform duties in the home)

  23. Malik

    05/05/2011 at 2:15 PM

    When I start to see a rise in 'house husbands' then I will take the fact that men and their job isn't important. I'm sorry, but as of now it just sounds like noise to me because I guarantee 'what he does for a living' is almost always one of the top 5 things that come to mind when you meet a guy outside of his work.

    I need to see y'all with some barbers (not the owners), janitors, propane (and propane accessories) salesmen, etc. There are these good and caring men everywhere that I highly doubt these Spelman, Howard, etc. would give any serious consideration.

  24. Independent Woman

    05/05/2011 at 3:03 PM

    It's time we call this debate exactly what it really is: IT'S HARD FOR BLACK MEN TO ACCEPT SEEING BLACK WOMEN MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THEM..

    These are NOT issues in the White, Asian or Latino communities, yet we black folk have to talk about it every Tuesday because our men feel so "emasculated"

    It's PATHETIC!

  25. Angeli Michelle

    05/05/2011 at 3:19 PM

    I dont think yawl females know how to deal with being a career woman just yet&some of yawl making 100K a year and mad cause you gotta be the financial head of the household and the other half of you making that kinda money dont know how tA successful women does not imply she does not want to be looked after. A successful women does not mean that she does not want to take the traditional wife role. But if she's successful and earning a certain income, it makes no sense to take that traditional role if it means taking a dip in their income to fulfil that role.

    It isn't just about job title or career but rather the feasibility of the situation. A janitor's income and say a pharmacist. Hmmm.. Not going to work.

    So "what he does for a living" is a very important question. I'd move it to the top 3. Because if you can't match what I do, where I can be your traditional wife, no sense in moving forward.

    “I don’t think yawl females know how to deal with being a career woman just yet…some of yawl making 100K a year and mad cause you gotta be the financial head of the household and the other half of you making that kinda money don’t know how to treat a man with any respect..”

    Heck yeah I'd be mad if I have to be the financial head of the household. Why should I be? So lets address the issue, why are there a lack of men that match that 100K so she doesn't HAVE to be the head of the household? o treat a man with any respect..

  26. Angeli Michelle

    05/05/2011 at 3:19 PM

    *error in posting*

    A successful women does not imply she does not want to be looked after. A successful women does not mean that she does not want to take the traditional wife role. But if she's successful and earning a certain income, it makes no sense to take that traditional role if it means taking a dip in their income to fulfil that role.

    It isn't just about job title or career but rather the feasibility of the situation. A janitor's income and say a pharmacist. Hmmm.. Not going to work.

    So "what he does for a living" is a very important question. I'd move it to the top 3. Because if you can't match what I do, where I can be your traditional wife, no sense in moving forward.

    “I don’t think yawl females know how to deal with being a career woman just yet…some of yawl making 100K a year and mad cause you gotta be the financial head of the household and the other half of you making that kinda money don’t know how to treat a man with any respect..”

    Heck yeah I'd be mad if I have to be the financial head of the household. Why should I be? So lets address the issue, why are there a lack of men that match that 100K so she doesn't HAVE to be the head of the household?

  27. threerings1911

    05/05/2011 at 3:53 PM

    Maybe a combination of who is hiring, the prison rate and brothers not going to college?

  28. @craziijnell

    05/05/2011 at 4:16 PM

    I haven't read everyone's responses. I will certainly get to them in a minute. It would seem that while we have made some leaps and bounds in the professional work force, our personal lives are the same. It is still expected that we work the "Second Shift". All the while men are still expected to compete professionally (though I will agree their role in the home has increased a bit) but other than the same ol… nothing has really changed.

    I don't believe that the feminist movement has had impact on women of color the same way it affected our white counterparts but I will say that being successful shifts dynamics in relationships. As noted above, women are still mainly responsible for the home. I think as we become equals/successors financially, we resent that a bit. Women does not equal domestic. The economy has shifted but traditional gender roles have not.

    I hope I'm wrong.

  29. @TAARenaissance

    05/05/2011 at 4:52 PM

    Again, stereotype is a stereotype because their is ALOT of truth to it…

    You can't be mad for men making that assumption especially when most of the women he has dealt with fall right into the stereotype

  30. Law and Order

    05/05/2011 at 5:19 PM

    Black women have always worked out side the home… The feminist movement that "allowed" women to work is an issue that belongs to the white middle class. From day one we were breaking our backs to advance for our families or just to keep them alive, working in white peoples houses, share cropping, or just flat out slavery… let's not act brand new as if a working black women is some sort of novel phenomenon.

    The issue now is that we have grinded so hard that we have stepped into a new realm of success, the issue is now our money… and the way it makes men feel. SMH

    But we have for decades, even centuries, carried our babies on our backs and worked at the same time, both literally and figuratively, all the while tending to the needs of our men.

    I am finishing my degree, going on to grad school and working. I am a mother, I have a fiance, I cook and keep a clean house. I plan to have a very financially successful career. Maybe when I start to make a lot more money, my man will decide he can't handle it! Maybe I will become undateable… but that is why I worked so hard in the first place, cause you can't depend on nobody but your damn self.

    I refuse to choose between career and family. LIke any other good parent, my career IS for my family! Women don't make people tell you that you can't be a successful mother, WE have been doing this forever.

    Hopefully a good man will see the value in my high earning capacity for the bigger picture, and see that I still need him to be my husband and father to our children, and play that role with some backbone and authority even if I don't need to ask him for 5 dollars to go to the store.
    MAN UP.

  31. Jason Howe

    05/05/2011 at 11:06 PM

    I have to ask myself, is it no good brothers who did not do shit with themselves who are claiming that these successful black women do not want them? I have never heard that as a problem from a black male doing positive things in life regardless of salary. Also, I highly doubt it is a BLACK thing, I have come into contact with women other then black who experience the same thing.

  32. EricaVAIN

    05/05/2011 at 11:47 PM

    what details you speaking of? tweet me @EricaVain .. 😉

  33. Drgray91

    05/06/2011 at 4:17 AM

    WOW

    *pushes glasses back onto face* A lot of good points were made, some questionable ones were farted out but it's good to see where peoples head are.

    My few points… if I may.

    If by difficulty stating you mean, lost in translation AND poorly articulated. YES.

    Two reasons 1.) The woman (or man for that matter) you may be at work is not necessarily an accurate representation of who you are or what you may be about. You are at work to get your job done, well so that the next thirsty applicant isn't taking your parking ticket and desk next monday!
    2.) In a relationship, you are supposed to be able to lower that Berlin Wall, and let people in… show them all of you, your vulnerable side (men and women), do this as work if you dare and see if you don't end up laughed at and made a unemployed fool!

    Now for women, this is an adjustment. For men, the aforementioned work persona fits in with societal norms of male behavior but no no not for women… so when you bring that 9-5 business women out the office, you're now the bitch with a chip on her shoulder…. no, she just forgot to change out her power suit. My thoughts? YOU MAD THOUGH? FOR WHAT? We are only doing what you all have for decades. #dismissed.

  34. Aythen

    02/03/2015 at 11:30 AM

    Maybe so, or maybe Black Men are uncomfortable with their women climbing the ladder of corporations that loath black men. See the boom of successful women was by design and most black men over 30 know it. These women are somewhat sucessful career wise but doing terrible in relationships because , this lets you know that it is a flawed design. You see the only true success in this world is creating offspring and equipping them to survive tommorrow .
    That being said, in the grand scale of things the creator meant for women to focus on family(childrern and Husband).
    Basically what Im trying to say is that, you cant escape reality.

  35. Aythen

    02/03/2015 at 12:04 PM

    Our women have been tricked, they all want to be like Oprah. She has all this money yet has never had a child, never fed a baby with her own nourishment, never had a good marriage, at the cost of being "A SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMAN".
    See raising a family is the Universal purpose for life, not degrees and titles that you hold. See for Men and Women, family rearing is the ultimate career, and the one that matters the most to the creator. Having a great career is wonderful but its just a small piece of who you are and your purpose, modern Black women are convinced that a successful career automatically means you got the key to life when it doesnt. Not being able to find a good man is just a byproduct of reality
    clashing with a false mentality.

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