Taking Back A Cheating Spouse Means You AGREE To Forget Their BS [So STOP Complaining]

"I know Becca blew Brad in '06 but it still chaps my ass!"

So the unthinkable ended up happening: The one person in the world who you loved, cared for and treasured more than anyone else; Who you shared deep feelings with, gave your entire mind, body and soul to, and exposed all your vulnerability to, broke your trust by smashing someone else. You were SHATTERED – BUT, somehow managed to put the pieces together enough to build back enough trust and love to give your significant other a second chance. Well that’s all good if it makes you happy, but understand this: The SECOND you agreed to take them back was also the very SAME second you agreed to leave what they did in the past – so SHUT THE HELL UP.

When you take back someone who cheated on you, you agreed to FORGIVE and FORGET whatever BULLSH*T they did to you before you got back together. YES, forgive AND forget. The whole point of getting back together is because you are looking to continue to build a qualitative life with that person and you believe that their cheating was a hurdle that wasn’t big enough to derail your love or your plans. So now that you have agreed to take them back, you essentially defaulted on your opportunity to throw what they did in their face everyday because you co-signed continuing the relationship.

Fact is, when your girlfriend decided to spread her legs for some new dude and let him climb inside her guts, or when your boyfriend unbuckled his jeans and let some skeezbag wrap her lips around his richard and swallow his kids, you [as the innocent victim in this scenario] were given an OUT. A free pass of sorts, which you COULD have used to extricate yourself from the relationship BLAME-FREE. You could have moved out the very same day, and had sloppy, angry, squirtastic rebound sex with a stranger from the bar THAT very night and no one in the world would blame you. You could have called your ex’s ass and cussed them out for being a frowsy-ass cheater and you would STILL be in the right.

But the second you took them back you forfeited ALL of that.

Now you are back together and one day your man comes up to you like “dammit woman, you can take the damn trash out sometimes too! You never wanna help out!” and you feel the uncontrollable urge to say “Why don’t you just call your wh0re Jessica, apparently she’s great at helping you out when I can’t please you!”BUT YOU CAN’T. At that moment you must PAUSE and realize one simple thing: YOU decided to take THAT person back into your life [probably against the advice of the closest people in your life] so now that you are both working towards a positive future, the BS that happened in the past can NOT be brought up anymore.

So forgive, forget and move on – and if you CAN’T forget, then maybe that’s a sign that you shouldn’t even be TRYING to continue that relationship.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

33 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/18/2011 at 2:45 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Agree The Couple Needs To Forgive & Forget, Or Do You Think The Innocent Victim Should Forgive But NEVER Forget?

    • theoneash20

      07/18/2011 at 8:16 PM

      Women need to learn how to deal with cheating than men do…

      If a woman is cheating on you… DROP HER IMMEDIATELY

      If you are married & have kids with her… Let her have the kids, let her take half & RUN!!! (Try to get joint custody later…)

      It is not worth it to stay for the kids…

  2. ChloeRayne516

    07/18/2011 at 8:49 AM

    I agree with all of this!! That's why I'm not built for handling infidility. That and besides the fact I don't get mad — I get even; sooooo…. #KanyeShrug

    • Danni

      07/18/2011 at 9:02 AM

      Agreed. You can't expect a relationship to move forward if you keep throwing something awful that happened in the past back in the mix. But when it comes to cheating, I think forgiving and forgetting is HARD to do!

      • An Honest Man

        07/18/2011 at 11:48 AM

        I think too many people try to fool themselves into believing they are over the cheating and they can handle it when they really cant..

      • ATLienSince82

        07/18/2011 at 4:29 PM

        I bet you aint never taken back no cheating ass man huh?

        • Danni

          07/18/2011 at 5:40 PM

          Can't honestly answer that one, cuz' I've never known any of my ex-boyfriends to have cheated. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, not unless I was married. There's no incentive for me to learn to trust yo lying arse again unless I have a ring on my finger.

    • An Honest Man

      07/18/2011 at 11:49 AM

      Getting even is the worst move you can make unless you are completely fine with the relationship coming to an abrupt and hurtful end

      • ChloeRayne516

        07/18/2011 at 11:54 AM

        Exactly!!!!

        That is why I know I wouldn't be able to cope with a cheating spouse. That is why I say I take my hat off to women who take back their cheating man for WHATEVER REASON but for me personally I know in my heart it's not something I can do. — call it me being egotistical/false pride whatever, I know my limits and boundaries and CHEATING is a dealbreaker for me.

        • HerCommonSense

          07/18/2011 at 12:30 PM

          I don't know if I would go as far as saying I take my hat off to them though…It seems like a lot of women take back cheating men because of their insecurity in realizing how great they really are and how much they really deserve a better man.

  3. KemaVA

    07/18/2011 at 9:10 AM

    "When you take back someone who cheated on you, you agreed to FORGIVE and FORGET whatever BULLSH*T they did to you before you got back together. "

    No…

    I dont think you forfeit your right to be upset about the situation when you get back together. Getting back together means you are willing to work on your problems and the cheating is one of them. So no we are not forgetting.

    However I do feel like there should be a time limit. Basically if I cheated I'm not trying to be 'punished' for more than a month or two. You do not get to revive your anger a year later to argue with me about the situation. If the tables were turned and I were the offended party I would still feel the same way.

    • SMilez_920

      07/18/2011 at 10:36 AM

      I agree that you shouldn’t be able to hold it against them for life but I do think you have to kinda forfeit your right to be upset once you decide to start the relationship again. If you’re still upset about the situation then you can’t start the relationship on a good foot because you’re not over the cheating.
      People make the mistake of getting back with the person and then trying to fix the problem then fixing the problem first then seeing if the solution will keep your relationship strong and stop the cheating from happening again.

      • An Honest Man

        07/18/2011 at 11:50 AM

        Real talk right here..

        If you're still mad, stay mad…and also stay single!

    • Crystal Promo-Fernandez

      07/18/2011 at 11:35 AM

      I actually agree that you should forfeit your right to complain once you get back together…if I ever took a guy back, which I don't see myself doing, I wouldn't consider myself "back" in the relationship with him until I was over what he did and able to move forward like it didn't happen..

  4. Konah Saye

    07/18/2011 at 11:17 AM

    I only found out about a girlfriend cheating once. It was her friend who told me. Guess who the next chic I took down.

    • KemaVA

      07/18/2011 at 11:30 AM

      The friend was a hater!

      • Crystal Promo-Fernandez

        07/18/2011 at 11:36 AM

        THIS!

      • atribecalledx

        07/18/2011 at 11:38 AM

        Sometimes the world needs a hater

      • ChloeRayne516

        07/18/2011 at 11:55 AM

        Say That!!!

        yeah she wanted you for herself — #thatisall

        • HerCommonSense

          07/18/2011 at 12:31 PM

          I really hope the friend wasn't lying, because if she was, that just makes him a jerk.

    • Crystal Promo-Fernandez

      07/18/2011 at 11:36 AM

      Who the hell do you know that your woman was actually cheating??? You took her friends word for it??

      • Konah Saye

        07/18/2011 at 3:46 PM

        She wasn't lying, I saw her wit dude at a party after her friend told me. She didn't know I knew then called me and cussed me out about messing wit her friend. That's when I called her out.

        • ATLienSince82

          07/18/2011 at 4:30 PM

          What did your girl do tho?? Did she get it in with ol boy or just go out with him??

          • Konah Saye

            07/18/2011 at 5:32 PM

            If I remember right she was messing with both of us we just didn't know cause we went to different colleges in the city. @ dude who got ol girl pregnant it was dumb but I was young upset and didn't give a fuck once her friend started flirting, I had to get even that was my mentality at the time.

    • An Honest Man

      07/18/2011 at 11:51 AM

      Man honestly that was stupid…I did the same thing and ended up getting ol' girl pregnant and in the end I only messed myself over

      • ATLienSince82

        07/18/2011 at 4:30 PM

        DAMNNNN SON!

  5. Paul

    07/18/2011 at 11:37 AM

    To a certain degree, you do forfeit that right to bring it up continually, or you make yourself a liar, whether implicitly or explicitly. If you chose to take them back after what they've done, you basically stated that what they did can not and will not stop the relationship from moving forward beyond that moment, so why stay stuck in that moment? I don't know if it's possible to truly forget, but it is very important to forgive and not be stuck in the pain of that moment. If all you want to do is keep them around so you can hurt them instead, there's something wrong with you too. Apparently there's two bad guys in the relationship.

    • An Honest Man

      07/18/2011 at 11:51 AM

      "If all you want to do is keep them around so you can hurt them instead, there's something wrong with you too."

      You dropped some knowledge today Paul

  6. atribecalledx

    07/18/2011 at 11:38 AM

    *hand up in the air*

    • An Honest Man

      07/18/2011 at 11:48 AM

      *I just want the, I just want the baddest b*tch in the world right here in my lap*

      Sorry, I thought we were going in…my bad!

  7. imakesense

    07/18/2011 at 3:39 PM

    Haven't you wrote about this before?

    • ATLienSince82

      07/18/2011 at 4:30 PM

      Yawl got some good ass memory lol

  8. kjkjj

    07/21/2011 at 3:00 PM

    Going through this right now. It sucks how one mistake someone made can have such a profound effect on your whole attitude towards your life together. I chose to stay for a time being to see if it was really worth it, because i feel like my eyes are opened now whereas before i was probably putting him up on a pedestal. Building trust again is a hard, long vigerous process. Amazing how in the name of loving somone you will even forgive someone who cheated on you. Never thought i would ever forgive somone who cheated because its never happend before.

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