“Rather reserved and that always makes matters the worst/
cause I go on about my business and not act like it hurts/
it’s to the point I gotta ask myself/
why the f-ck is it so easy to detach myself/
maybe it aint you/
just something I lack myself/
but if these wounds are self inflicted I can patch myself…”
Those lyrics above from Joe Budden’s “Ordinary Love Part 1″ have been going through my mind virtually all day because it speaks to me very deeply, and I would bet it speaks to many of you out there, ESPECIALLY those of you who chose to click on this article and read it. As anyone who has been single for many years knows very clearly, being emotionally detached is a necessary skill needed to navigate the dating scene and make sure you come out mentally sane and in tact. Hell, if you were out there getting overly attached to every man, woman or Chaz Bono you meet, you would quickly find yourself distraught, heartbroken, pessimistic, and regretful, and the truth is, not everyone you come into contact with on the dating scene even DESERVES to feel your emotions. But it’s that same dating “skill” that is a relationship-killer because being emotionally detached can become a monster too big for even YOU to control.
Now first let me differentiate between being emotionally detached and emotionally unavailable because they are TWO slightly separate things. Being emotionally unavailable means that you overtly CHOSE to keep your emotions in a box separate FAR out of the reach of anyone you are dating, BUT you can give them that box at anytime you choose to. Being emotionally DETACHED means that you now have an inherent ability to psychologically justify WHY someone ain’t worth your damn time, except it’s less of an OVERT choice and more of a simple reality. For example:
– An emotionally unavailable man can tell a girl he’s dating that he’s not ready to settle down or commit, and then he subsequently chooses to not do actions, or say words that can potentially lead him down relationship road because he just doesn’t want to go there with her, right now.
– An emotionally detached man will date a girl he likes and maybe even do relationship-type things, and be content with her, but will do so as a measure of going through the paces. He doesn’t tell her he’s not ready for a relationship because he doesn’t care about hiding and internalizing his feelings because the scary fact is, he doesn’t have any to hide.
Emotionally detached people exist in our community all around us, and the worst part is they are the hardest to detect on a surface level. See, emotionally unavailable people usually make a concerted POINT to let EVERYONE know their emotions are locked away in a vault. Ever see some chick CONSTANTLY update her Facebook status to some BS like “I don’t need a man in my life because it’s all about getting this money and making me happy about me” and you’re like “Jesus Christ b*tch, I got it when you posted that everyday for the last 11 months!” Or you see lame dudes walking around with T-Shirts saying “F*^K H0ES – GET $$$” and you just wanna ask him, “Who hurt YOU?”
The fact is THOSE people actually WANT to be loved, they are usually just too p*ssy to say so, so they build up this alpha-personality to hide the fact that they have a BIG-ASS box of emotions they really WISH they could give to someone else. But emotionally detached people are scary because not sharing emotion goes from being a simple choice to a standard way of living – and when it hits THAT point, it becomes a liability much more than an asset when you find someone BOX-worthy. in fact, I know more than a few men and women who are so use to being emotionally un-involved that when they finally WANTED to use them, accessing their emotions in a tangible way for their new partner became a HUGE barrier.
My point is essentially this: I don’t see anything wrong with being selectively emotionally unavailable, but just let me warn you about becoming emotionally DETACHED – because attaching yourself all over again is hard as HELL.
This Is Your Conscience