Your Man Is NOT Too Emotionally Damaged To Love Yet – He Just Doesn’t Want YOU

I’ve noticed a prevailing ideology amongst women today, from the stories I hear from my female friends, who keep telling me about the harsh realities of dating frowsy dudes in 2011. One of the most common complaints I keep hearing is that the dudes they are dating are failing [in their actions] to prove how serious they are about being with these women, even though they constantly, verbally reassure them that they want to be with them. What they are doing is getting into relationships with these women, and then NOT treating them with adequate love, care or respect, incorrectly leading the women to believe that the man has lingering emotional problems with love when the truth is much more simple [yet horrifying] than that: He just doesn’t want to give his all TO YOU.

Now I fully agree with the sentiment that men DO take much more time to recover from heartbreak than women do, and we tend to be much more emotionally devastated after a tough break-up than women as we are the more emotionally fragile sex. Men don’t want to hear that sh*t, but it’s simply the truth. Now, even with that out there, we as humans are all capable of rebounding from a bad love experience and learning how to deal with being in a relationship again, so please STOP trying to give terrible boyfriends the EXCUSE that there’s simply an icebox where his heart use to be – but even MORE importantly, ladies stop thinking the remedy is you TRYING harder.

Women who deal with men they consider to be emotionally detached or unavailable, are like men who date women who have never had an orgasm before: They are determined to be the one person to make them feel what everyone else can’t. Call it hubris, ignorance or a selfish pursuit of achievement, but the diagnosis is based on simply misreading their partner – because they can achieve the feeling, just not WITH you.

First off, if you are in a relationship with a man who is emotionally distant, you are acting like an IDIOT, because you have no business even being with that man.

Secondly, if you are going to ignore my first point and KEEP pursuing a relationship with his frowsy ass, while he fails to be a better man to you, don’t make excuses for his behavior. He rarely calls you, rarely makes time for you and rarely takes your feelings into account, not because he doesn’t understand what he’s doing – it’s because he doesn’t care about doing it FOR YOU.

Third, as emotionally wrecked as a man can be, we will treat the right woman the right way. I knew a woman who tried her DAMNEDEST to convince me that her man was simply NOT the caring type which is why he never did anything particularly romantic or thoughtful for her. She really had me believing that BS – until I saw pics of him a year later on Facebook hugged up in his profile picture with some big-head chick in matching t-shirts with kool-aid grins. And the reality is, that’s not about maturity or rebounding well or any of that BULLSH*T – it’s just that he finally found a woman he felt was “worthy” of his 100%.

Some women really need to understand that the first step to finding happiness is establishing a clear and finite level of respect that she DEMANDS any man treat her with and sticking to it no matter what. Not only will that help her avoid even getting into relationships with frowsy dudes, but it will help her avoid co-signing the behaviour of weak men as simple by-products of their personality and see it for what it truly is: A man who ultimately is not “WORTHY” of one minute of HER time.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

30 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    11/07/2011 at 3:30 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe A Man Can Be FULLY In Love With A Woman Yet Be Somewhat Emotionally Distant At Times? How Long Should A Woman Give A Man To Snap ut Of It Before Choosing To Move On?

    • andy luotto

      01/06/2012 at 2:50 PM

      If a man shows he's caring she says you're boring, if he doesn't care she says he is a jerk or probably cheating, if he sleeps around he is damaged or a pig, if he doesn't than " he doesn't have experience he's not good in the sack" . If men acted according to women's fickle and whimsical parameters they would all need a psychiatrist.

  2. Lady Ngo

    11/07/2011 at 4:22 AM

    if men kept it real more often, women wouldn't have as many issues telling the difference between "he's just not that into you" and the "emotional icebox".
    There are plenty of emotionally wrecked men who do not treat the right woman the right way and either have to spend a significant amount of time chasing her/beating himself up for being a d-bag or if he's lucky apologizing for the error of his ways after she decided to stick it out with him.

    • Smilez_920

      11/07/2011 at 6:27 AM

      I mean that could be it but why waste your time giving him a second chance. I feel for the most part guys keep it real. It’s just that as women we want something so bad that we hear but don’t listen to what the guy is saying or doing.

      I know as a woman I take it to heart when I’ve been played in this form, its one of the most embarrassing situations ever.

      • Lady Ngo

        11/07/2011 at 12:01 PM

        guys keep it real?!? In some instances, yes. And yes, quite often women are guilty of seeing what they wanna see. But i don't know too many that will openly admit that they are just not that into you but are staying around playing lovey-dovey so they can get the beatz and/or until something better comes along. If that were the case, there definitely would be a lot less women falling for the okey-doke!

        Personally i'm #TeamDefine…please let me know what it is you hope to accomplish, what your hang-ups are, etc from the jump. I have no time for these kinds of games. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt lol.

        • The_Mad_HATER

          11/07/2011 at 3:53 PM

          women dont know how to accept the definition of the relationship if it not what you want to hear!!

          • Lady Ngo

            11/11/2011 at 10:47 PM

            if u say so (-___-)

    • HerCommonSense

      11/07/2011 at 4:00 PM

      Men tend to always keep it "real" with their actions even when they aren't keeping it real with their words. We as women need to do a better job in picking up on the obvious clues.

      • ChloeRayne516

        11/07/2011 at 4:03 PM

        True.

  3. Jason Howe

    11/07/2011 at 7:57 AM

    I think we have to break down emotionally distant a bit (to explain me)… for instance; I have no issue showing a woman I love her. I have no issue being the rock she needs in her time of need…. But, I pretty much never allow them to be my rock. When I am stressed or something of that nature that is when woman see my emotional distant side. I always just depended on myself to work through problems or issues going on in my life. I feel weak letting someone in… I know, I know, I am wrong for that and I have tried to change it over the years, however it still feels weird to unload my problems onto someone else. So, I don’t think a woman should ever put a time frame on when I am going to change since regardless of my mental state I am always there for her… Women just tend to get frustrated with me, or feel since I don’t “let them in” that I am not totally committed to the relationship or I don’t trust the, etc etc…. its not the case, just been raised up to believe big boys don’t cry. I think it's an insecurity on their part if they have issue with me being silent about my struggles, pain, etc… but as said, I know I know I have to change and I will continue trying to improve…

    • KemaVA

      11/07/2011 at 10:23 AM

      "I think it's an insecurity on their part if they have issue with me being silent about my struggles, pain, etc…"

      It's not insecurity… Actually I feel if a woman doesnt take issue with you keeping part of yourself to yourself its because she doesnt really want all of you. You know there are women perfectly happy with a guy being her rock without requiring anything in return. They are called selfish. If I am genuinely into a man then I want in.

      • J Howe

        11/07/2011 at 11:38 AM

        No, it is insecurity in my situation (s) because they always assumed there was another woman, I did not trust them, or that I did not love them enough to “let them in”.

        • Lady Ngo

          11/07/2011 at 11:54 AM

          If its insecurity, than I'd venture to say is justifiable insecurity. What woman is truly going to be ok going all in with a man who is not willing to do the same? Regardless of whether or not you actually take the time to sit her down and explain that this is who you are, there's always going to be doubt that you are being 100% truthful about that. As for those assumptions- well thats a woman looking for an explanation to your behavior (if you haven't already given one)

          • Jason Howe

            11/07/2011 at 12:03 PM

            Justifiable I guess, but… Damn we are talking maybe a 3 hour period or so every 3-4 months… And I do realize its upbringing AND insecurity on my part also…. I'm a work in progress I suppose.

      • HerCommonSense

        11/07/2011 at 3:59 PM

        Completely agree with you here

    • Gordan

      11/07/2011 at 12:37 PM

      I feel you, I'm quite the same. Regardless if I'm mad sad happy or vigilant I always treat everyone that isnt the problem the same that includes not only loved ones.

      • HerCommonSense

        11/07/2011 at 3:58 PM

        Even the woman you loved the most in the world would get treated the same?

  4. ChloeRayne516

    11/07/2011 at 8:57 AM

    Emotionally distant at Times…. YES but to the point he is like this 24/7 NOPE, and a woman will be playing herself if she chooses to stick with that man because a man who wants YOU 100% will open up, eventually.

    • Jason Howe

      11/07/2011 at 9:06 AM

      I don't know Chloe, some dude just been raised with that Men don't show emotion upbringing.. Emotion is a sign of weakness… This is really tough to break.

      • Smilez_920

        11/07/2011 at 10:04 AM

        Alot of women confuss not showing emotion with not giving a fu#k. For exmaple maybe my man is not good with saying certain emtions but he will show them too me with action in differnt aspects of our relationship it might not be romantic but its consistent and concret.
        the men in this articals are not doing any of the above.

        • Jason Howe

          11/07/2011 at 12:06 PM

          Exactly. It is confused a lot, we just deal with things different or show and express emotions differently… But, as I have learned sometimes its just easier to change up a bit to accommodate her then it is to be me… Divorce can be costly, lol

        • ChloeRayne516

          11/07/2011 at 12:24 PM

          I agree Smilez, the way I see it no matter how much a man is supposedly emotionally distant/damaged or whateva if he WANTS/LOVES YOU you will see some form of emotion from time to time – like your man for instance as you said he may not SAY but he SHOWS; it may not be consistent but you know it's there.

          • HerCommonSense

            11/07/2011 at 3:58 PM

            Agreed!

      • ChloeRayne516

        11/07/2011 at 12:17 PM

        That's a shame..

        So far I've been blessed to NOT HAVE any run-ins with men like that.

        • HerCommonSense

          11/07/2011 at 3:57 PM

          Me neither…I think men like that should avoid relationships altogether!

  5. NurseJilly

    11/07/2011 at 1:01 PM

    "How Long Should A Woman Give A Man To Snap ut Of It Before Choosing To Move On?"

    I think it depends on a few things. Does the man know and acknowledge that he has a difficult time opening up and is willing to make the effort to correct this? Is this someone you want a future with? If it is it may be worth the investment.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      11/07/2011 at 3:54 PM

      its not dependent on a damn thing! move on girl!

    • HerCommonSense

      11/07/2011 at 3:57 PM

      Does it really matter if he acknowledges it though?

      • NurseJilly

        11/07/2011 at 4:29 PM

        If it's something he realizes that he wants to change then I would hear him out and see what happens to be honest. Some people are brought up in an environment where showing emotion is not acceptable, it can take some time to work through that. I'm not saying its ok but and you should accept it forever. I read a quote that explains this…

        "Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

  6. HerCommonSense

    11/07/2011 at 3:57 PM

    I don't think the point here is defining exactly what men do to show thy care, but realizing that men do have the ability to care, and if you can't see that he does in your current relationship, then we as women need to be stronger in cutting things short faster.

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