Earlier this year, my girlfriend and I went to breakfast and discussed the issues we have encountered on the dating scene and have heard from various different individuals alike. As we ate our omelets, we couldn’t help but hash about how people love to put others on the backburner. Pretty much, just taking someone for granted and hoping that they will always become readily available. We call this philosophy “The Tupperware Theory”.
It’s when someone knows they have a good woman or man, but apparently “isn’t ready” to pursue anything serious with this person “right now”, so instead, they want to put this person in safe keeping until they are ready for them. Kinda like when you just came home from having an awesome meal at a restaurant from which you are super- duper stuffed, to be welcomed by one of your friends, your significant other, mother, roomie, etc; who has fixed an amazing meal for you but you are just too full to eat it. So you wrap it up and place it in the fridge, hoping it stays fresh for when you are ready to devour it.
Well, I do feel that this pertains to those who like to shelve people like they are canned goods. The only problem is there is always a reaction to an action. What happens when you put food in a Tupperware and don’t eat it right away? It goes bad!!! You put that once amazing meal into a cheap container, dash it away in the fridge and now you forgot about it. As the days pass, you proceed to get distracted by all the other yummy, fresh options of food that that been offered or cooked since than. Before you know it, this once gourmet meal has now turned into a mess of rotting, inedible, indigestible food that you can no longer enjoy.
Newsflash!!! People are the same way!!! The longer you put someone on a shelf, the closer you are to having that relationship expired. Just like when you open that rotting dish and say “Crap! I should have eaten this sooner”, will also be the day you realize that your shelved person is no longer accessible for when you are good and ready. Heck, even frozen dinners have their issues. The quality of food is usually poor and can even be susceptible to freezer-burn. Much like that cold shoulder you get once someone you’ve put away for too long greets you icily.
But here’s some words I’ll leave with to all my hot dished and dismissed people… If the person who’s put you on ice, doesn’t ever have any regrets about losing their 5-star meal…than you are better off. They probably have poor taste in great cuisine. I, for one, know that I’m not a frozen dinner. Better get me while I’m still hot. Heck, or even while I’m still an option on the menu.
[ed. note: check Susan out at http://sjcomplexsimplicity.blogspot.com/]
66 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies & Gentlemen, Have You Ever Put Someone On The Shelf Or Been Put On The Shelf Yourself? Is There ANY Good Reason To Use The Tupperware Theory And NOT Be A Douchebag??
Jan 6th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
"I, for one, know that I’m not a frozen dinner. Better get me while I’m still hot. Heck, or even while I’m still an option on the menu."
Ya Feel Me??!!!!
POW
The tupperware theory can be a good thing if both parties are on the same wavelength (I.e. Neither one is ready right now) so you both do yall thing but stil kick it with one another until YOU both decide yall are ready to pull the tupperwares off the shelf BUT this does not always have a positive turnout where YOU 2 may actually be together in the end. Basically by placing someone on the shelf for a later date/use you HAVE to be wiling to take that L if he or she decides to remove themselves off the shelf.
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
I let myself get put on the shelf in my younger days (like a sucker), which was a disservice to myself. Letting somebody put me on the shelf for their future use really was a sign of low self-esteem on my part and arrogance on theirs. When I realized that I don't have to wait on her to come around and that I was worth better, I took myself off the shelf. Yes, I was still single, but I made myself not a standby either.
Jan 6th, 2012
Mike
yes!
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
if you're living foul I can understand using this theory. You don't want to hurt the other person or get them involve with your current way of life. I think the key(and which is usually always the key in relationships) is honesty. Let the person know. If they choose to keep that emotional door open for you that's the choice they willingly made.
on a side note what do you do when your mooching-ass friend opens your fridge and says "Yo son, you eating this?"
Jan 6th, 2012
grandgryph
every good cook knows that letting food settle gives the seasonings more time to work.
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Yeah I think we all have been put on the shelf… well at least us who present well and sometimes get labelled as the “good guy”; which I have extrapolated you to be based on your daily comments.
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
For real, you have to go into it knowing they might not wait around for your ass. I have lost a good girl or two playing with a bad girl or 10, but I knew it was a possibility. When I was younger I use to take a hit to the ego as my warped mind frame had me like “She has a boyfriend now, but I thought she liked me”, ignoring the fact it had been two years since I began yo-yoing in and out of her daily playing on her “like” just to elongate the “like” until I was ready.
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Nothing but the truth, I normally did that when I was not interested in being in a relationship. There are certain girls I just do not bring my sometime emotionally draining ass into their lives… I have enough bad karma looking for me so I am not into fucking over “good girls”. I let that Latif song “I don’t want to hurt you” play and I move on knowing I might lose out on her.
LOL, my MARRIED cousin did this to me… had this bad ass Indian friend that would have me harder then a Chemistry test. Anyway, I was always like dude “hook it up”, but he would always be like “naw kid, I don’t want to get in the middle of that”. Guess who was the first egg he cracked upon his divorce…
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
True, sometimes they did remain on the shelf waiting… but as Harsh alluded to, sometimes someone else comes along and eats that food and you never get to know the taste. It’s a painful sobering reality that the filet mignon went to another plate.
Jan 6th, 2012
HerCommonSense
How did you realize you were on a shelf? What was your lightbulb moment?
Jan 6th, 2012
HerCommonSense
That's risky business….Paul could be a heartbreaker!
Jan 6th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Bad girl or 10?
This sounds like a recipe for a Marvin's Room call…
Jan 6th, 2012
HerCommonSense
I think if you are putting them on the back burner, you have no right to try and get mad when your friend wants a slice (so to speak)
Jan 6th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Wow LOL
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Nope, if they gone they gone I'm not begging them to come back, my choice to push them away or leave them on the shelf… When they move on I wish them the happiness they are looking for and probably would not have gotten from me at that point…
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Kinda, but not really… Friends gotta respect whatever game your playing, they might not like it but as friends you gotta leave it alone. My cousin would get dimes on the line and throw them back, I had to let them swim away just because…
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Even good men break hearts, not saying or implying dude is whatever… Just he seems to be a level headed dude who always presents with a mature response.
Jan 6th, 2012
NurseJilly
I have been on the shelf for a year now so I can tell you it sucks. I felt guilty moving on as we were in a 10+ year relationship. I now realize that my guilt was really just fear of the unknown. Considering this was the only man I have so much as kissed since I was 19 years old its scary. I actually read a quote this week that makes so much sense to me now.
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." In other words, trust the process.
Jan 6th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Agreed!!!
Jan 6th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
"True, sometimes they did remain on the shelf waiting"
Here's the thing though, as an adult it's imperative that you take SOLE RESPONSIBILITY for your own emotions/actions if you feel that you are being benched or placed on the shelf and this isn't something you want ultimately then it's very important that you remove yourself from that shelf or get off that bench and throw deuces because let's be real here if I am placing you on that shelf while having my cake and eating it too do you really think I have your best interests at heart? No I'm being selfish — looking out for myself. That was ChloeRayne Circa "10 & "11 though. *giggling*
I've since changed, and matured not trying to do that anymore.
Jan 6th, 2012
Anthony
being on the shelf sucks! #thatisall
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Ten years is a long time J, but the fear of the unknown and the comfort in knowing , even if we are knowing its never gonna get better its still better then knowing (fearing) it might get worst with someone else..
Jan 6th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
*Snickering*
Riight. Riighttttt….
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
lol, he was lining that up from time you would have messed up his end game!
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
like Jason said you gotta respect friends' egg basket. Especially if you met that person through your friend.
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
wasn't '11 just last week? i'm saying tho'!
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
that's why alot of relationships end of overlapping. Alot of people only leave once that find something better if not they're staying where they are. That's not cool at all but that's the reality.
10years is a mutha but I don't see why you would be scared though judging by your pics and all…you're good money at least on the surface…
Jan 6th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Stopit…. MistaHarsh.
LMBOooooo
Jan 6th, 2012
fourpageletter
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jan 6th, 2012
Amanda Scott
You gotta fight your way off that d.amn shelf with the quickness!
Jan 6th, 2012
Jason
Only if your emotions are in charge, the shelf is good sometimes…. Allows one to finish what they already have in front of them. I use to call it Lay-Away Theory as I just could not afford it to be in my life at that time…
Jan 6th, 2012
NurseJilly
My fear isn't that no one's going to want me. I've had the opportunity to date during the last year I just dont feel ready for that. I think it's just the fact that I was so sure that was the man I was going to marry and raise my family with so moving on is difficult.
Jan 6th, 2012
NurseJilly
True
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
One thing was how I would get calls and effort when things fell through with somebody else on her end. That, and when I stopped even trying to get with her. She then calling a lot more and tried to get me to spend the night with her.
Jan 6th, 2012
@craziijnell
I appreciate the reflection here.
Jan 6th, 2012
@craziijnell
woooooow! LOL
Jan 6th, 2012
@craziijnell
That's like cognitive dissonance when your reality doesn't match your mindset. It's tough and it's always good to take time to realize that and work through it rather than do the dumb ish.
Jan 6th, 2012
@craziijnell
I've been on the shelf and have shelved. So I can't bitch about it.
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
You give me far too much credit, HCS. Breaking hearts isn't my style.
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
I've noticed a simple way of putting somebody on the shelf is to tell them what you are looking for, and they could be what you're looking for when you want those things, but the disingenuous part is when you don't have a realistic timetable to want to have it. It's easy to say WHAT you're looking for, and WHO you can have those things with, but it's the WHEN part that gets people put on the shelf, and expecting them to sit there until you're ready to take them down. The problem is this shelf you put them on, in a lot of ways, is not locked in a vault where only you have access to it.
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
That and there's too many out here to running up behind or infringing on someone else's (that's in your circle) sphere of influence.
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
That's when you cue the Donnie Hathaway remake by K-ci "If you think you're lonely noooooooww….
Jan 6th, 2012
Paul B.
That was Bobby Womack, but your point stands.The danger with being set on the shelf especially for a long period of time is that in some ways you get to see more of them and it's not always in a positive light.
Jan 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
thanks for the correction I had a feeling I was wrong
Jan 6th, 2012
grandgryph
every good cook knows that someone else is waiting to eat his/her food.
Jan 7th, 2012
grandgryph
you dare mock me woman?
Jan 7th, 2012
Paul B.
Funny because it's true.
Jan 7th, 2012
Amanda Scott
This is a true statement!
Jan 7th, 2012
Amanda Scott
It's not good for the person being shelved!
Jan 7th, 2012
Adrian
REAL TALK
I've been put on the shelf and I've put others on the shelf. It's not really such a big deal. I move on and I expect them to move on if an opportunity presents itself. There's plenty of exceptional people in the world so might as well cut your losses.
Jan 8th, 2012
Adrian
I don't know the full story and I may not be the best to take advise from, but if out of a ten year relationship, dude decides to keep you on the shelf for over a year, you should NOT feel guilty for moving on. If I'm with a girl for a long period of time, then choose to merely place her on a shelf instead of manning up and wifing her, then painfully watching her move on to brighter skies and wider pastures is exactly what I deserve!
Jan 8th, 2012
NurseJilly
Thanks for your honesty Adrian:) Very well said!
I'm starting to feel ready for those brighter skies and wider pastures.
Jan 8th, 2012
Susan Jordan
Hey People! I wrote this blog… but here's another question for you. Do you really think that the person who shelved you will come back for you when they are good and ready? I've seen in many cases, that the person who shelved the other, ends up meeting someone new and moves on. They rarely think "I'm in a good place now…lemme hit up what's her name from back in the day?". Most likely, they move on to the next person who comes in their life. It sucks b/c the time that you invested is now gone and he gives it to someone new. That way they have a fresh start. I feel like the Tupperware Theory can sometimes be just a nice way for the person to lie to thierself and get out of the situation. Sometimes you like someone, but for some reason, you don't like them enough to commit. You know they are a good person though, so you have a hard time letting them go. Almost wanting to keep them there "just in case". What are your thoughts?
Jan 8th, 2012
Michelle
The person doing the shelving may not come back but that’s not the shelfee’s decision but the shelfer. The shelfer can lose too because the person being shelved will only wait for so long (amount of time willing to wait depends on the person) assuming he/she knows that they’re being shelved. If you don’t like them enough to commit then it’s probably not for you. It’s pretty much a crapshoot where one or both parties can end up losing or, winning by finding someone more compatible, but that’s what happens when you gamble.
Great post btw!
Jan 8th, 2012
Michelle
sorry my reply is below
Jan 8th, 2012
tsktsk
i will never agree with putting someone on the shelf while you go and mess with other people and leave them there hoping one day it will work out. yes its up to the other person what they let effect them or happen to them but lets put things into perspective people. you develop feelings for them and feelings dont just "turn off" right when you start thinking "hey… being shelved sucks". yeah you realize you have to move on – doesn't mean you lose feelings for that person.
the issue with this is that they shelve you and more often than not they pop in and out of your life on occasion – especially when their current romantic interest fall apart or they're in between new people etc…. they keep you on the hook like a worm and occasionally reel you in to check if you're still there and if u r reel you back out till they decide its time to pack it in. they play on your hope. many people do not like being single or without prospects so the idea of people waiting on them makes them feel a bit better about themselves.
the reason I'm saying this is not only have i seen this happen countless times, but I've experienced it myself. met a dude in high school and we hit it off but he decided to shelve me. his reasoning was that he didn't take girls seriously then so didn't want to hurt me but when he decided to cut all that out he would look for me. now that is a backhanded compliment in itself because yeah. thanks for noticing I'm not some loose ball that you'd pump and dump, however you're basically telling me that that the way you live right now – fkin around- is preferable to starting something with me. that is an insult – no mater who tries to say differently no matter how much you try to dress it up. however, there were feelings between us and though we both moved on he'd pop in and out of my life on occasion to "check on me" aka make sure i still cared about his existence.
anywho… he decided about 5 years later that he was ready to settle down with me and at the time i had also met someone new. i honestly considered being with him because iv known him for so long and was comfortable around him but, i felt that i deserve to start fresh with someone who from the moment they got to know me decided to work on a life with me. so i left el-shelver behind. it was hard, and he was very upset with me but i feel it was the thing to do. and I've been with my guy for 2 years and were all about each other.
to those that shelve people because you are insecure being in the dating scene and find comfort knowing that you have a "backup plan" that is a horrible thing to do, that shit really affects people's self esteem and can even lead to bitterness.
for those that kid themselves into thinking that you are "shelving someone for their own good" and that this "courtesy" is going to work out for your benefit later on, think again. I'm sorry but people dont owe you their lives simply because you're not dating them now to avoid hurting them, so when you come back for them and they've disappeared blame no one but yourself. maybe if you believed they were worth it from day one they'd be with you.
everyone should just remember that you have the ability to be someone's whole world. if they look at you and see that possibly but shelve you to see if anything else is out there or dabble in the riff raft before they settle for you, then they dont deserve you.
*this is strictly in regards to shelving to mess with others.. not things like going away on business or for school… thats more complicated.
Jan 8th, 2012
Msjordan11
Tsk Tsk… you are AWESOME! I completely whole-heartedly agree with you. I've been told that I'm a "million dollar cheque" that he "wasn't ready to cash in yet". HUH??!! Who doesn't cash in a million dollar cheque?!Who leaves something so valuable to chance when something could happen and you could lose that opportunity?! NOBODY. When something is of value to us, we cherish it. I really think it's very selfish on the shelver's part. I believe if you are going to let someone go…than do just that. Let them go. Don't try to keep them in your life and hoping that you'll come around. Give them space – let them get over you. I think staying in contact with them should only be when you are serious about moving forward.
Jan 8th, 2012
Janet
“you develop feelings for them and feelings dont just "turn off" right when you start thinking "hey… being shelved sucks". yeah you realize you have to move on – doesn't mean you lose feelings for that person.”
True!
"everyone should just remember that you have the ability to be someone's whole world. if they look at you and see that possibly but shelve you to see if anything else is out there or dabble in the riff raft before they settle for you, then they dont deserve you."
nobody should settle
great site!
Jan 8th, 2012
Janet
“Who doesn't cash in a million dollar cheque?”
I would look at him with a side-eye lol
“I believe if you are going to let someone go…than do just that. Let them go. Don't try to keep them in your life and hoping that you'll come around. Give them space – let them get over you.”
I have to admit I was guilty of this. Sometimes the person doing the shelving wants to let them go but can’t really find it in their heart especially if they know/feel they’re the one. Definitely a little selfish but that’s just human nature I think. They know they should let go but it’s hard to. I even had to make up an excuse so the person would show a little compassion. I was going through hard times, coke addiction, but I knew if I could just clean myself up, he was the one I wanted.
Jan 9th, 2012
Janet
sorry missed this part:
“people dont owe you their lives simply because you're not dating them now to avoid hurting them”
I felt like this with the guy I shelved. But I honestly believed that he was worth more than I could give him at the time. I told him that repeatedly. That was the only reason I shelved him. I didn’t want to bog him down with my problems. Maybe that’s just my insecurities.
Jan 9th, 2012
Mabl
I never used to understand when I would watch television shows and women would get mad at other women for encroaching on "my guys," when the guys were just friends. I understand now. I once as to do something like licking a piece of candy you wanted as a kid when I realized my nice guy friend and my nice girl friend and I were having a wonderful nice time together and I had not put any claim on him . . . yet. Often women will honestly say "Oh, that, I'm not going to eat that," when they know if their friend touches it, it will be the beginning of the end of the friendship, because women are often big fat liars. I find it best if your friend cares enough to ask to say "You got food in your own fridge and if you don't maybe you should go shoppin, cuz," I mean if I care so much I don't wanna see little nibbles taken out of my dish. Sometimes I don't care that much.
Jan 9th, 2012
tsktsk
your situation seems different though. you didn't date them because you had an addiction and felt it wouldn't be fair to them to deal with that… it doesn't seem that it was to go mess with other people. well thats what i took from it anyway….
Jan 9th, 2012
Janet
well the point I was trying to make is that I had to (at least in my mind) clean myself up. How would it look if he wanted to bring me around his loved ones and say "this is Janet, the crackhead". Probably not that big of a deal but definitely a battle I was fighting for pretty much all my life. Been clean for 2 years now and I hope for the best.
Jan 9th, 2012
Michelle
"wants to let them go but can’t really find it in their heart especially if they know/feel they’re the one"
in that case the person would hurt too
Jan 9th, 2012
dddd
awesome! I'm happy for you! (the getting clean part, lol)
Jan 9th, 2012
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