No. This is not an article patting myself on the pack, nor am I a smarmy know-it-all. I’m extremely honest. For people with this quality you’ll often find yourself engaged in a broad spectrum from intriguing debates to heated arguments simply because you tried to tell the truth.
The first thought would be to ignore the haters and other people who don’t agree with you. But what if those “haters” are our brothers, sisters, or significant others and what if the topic of disagreement was about their well-being? It’s hard to just stand by let someone you know or have stake in fall by the wayside because they want to be self-destructive or simply fail to see what’s in their best interest.
You don’t always have to take people’s advice but when will you realize that your own way of doing things never seems to work out or puts you in an irreversible predicament? Maybe just once be open minded. Maybe just once you should listen and see that we don’t want to control your life. We want you to succeed.
Or maybe the joke is on us. Maybe we should ask ourselves if our advice or way of doing things is so much better why aren’t people listening?
Maybe just once we should try to change our approach.
62 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies & Gentlemen, Have You Ever Been Accused Of Being A HATER When You Simply Were Just Trying To Be Honest About Something To Help Someone Out?
Also, Have You Ever Accused Someone Of Hating And Later Reflected Back On It Like 'DAMN I Was Tripping?' Hell, Have You Ever Looked Back On Something You Said Like "DAMN, I Was Kinda Hating A Little Hard On That?"
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
I don't recall being called a hater, as most of my friends and family know they get nothing but the truth from me. Been called mean, rude, crass, and what not during the time of delivery, however they know its not hate coming from me.
Jan 19th, 2012
BADDEST
Deciding to be a completely candid and truthful person is also (and very sadly I may add) deciding to be somewhat lonely on many levels…..
" Am i the only damn person on the planet who sees this?? Am I the only person who cares enough to speak on it???"….that type of loneliness
Ive noticed people are very hesitant to hear the "truth" and the resistance to it varies depending on how deceptive they are being with themselves
Ive adopted the rule of asking people if they wish to hear my opinion on any matter they are sharing with me….i find it engenders a more open conversation and depending on their reaction to the question I can gauge how much opinion they really want me to share
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
Ok.. You guys tell me if I'm being a hater with this story.
I have a close girlfriend who I used to see at least 2-3 times a week I haven't seen her since Christmas because her head is so far up her new mans ass that I don't think she remembers the 3 minute walk to my place… So here's the story. Any time she gets a new bf her whole life plan changes. So in the last year she met a great guy who is vegan, so she became vegan for a few months. Then we went to Mexico on a girls trip and she met this douche bag guy who lives in Winnipeg. Less than a month after we got back she had a flight booked to go out and see him. She comes home and is no longer vegan but is addicted to asian hot sauce and eggs…. Now she has this new guy who by the way I haven't even met yet and is planning to have children in the next 1-2 years. By the way, she told this guy she loves him after 6 weeks of dating. I messaged her last week to try to make plans for Sunday. She responds with oh sorry, mr Perfect is off so I'm gonna spend the day with him… The next day I get a bbm saying hey, he's gotta go into work so I might as well come over cause I'll have nothing else to do…..(WTF, rude right??) Then Sunday comes, it's 1pm and I haven't heard from her so I message her saying "hey you still coming" She replies over an hour later "sorry, he had the day off after all so I'm spending the day in bed"
So here's my question.. Do I tell her what a shitty friend she's being? I don't want her to think I'm just hating because she has a boyfriend and I'm single.
Jan 19th, 2012
BADDEST
such a typical thing that girls do to each other
and whats worse is that if you say anything your made to feel like youre just jealous….which is usually FAAAaarrr from the truth.
Honestly, addressing it isnt worth it….the best thng to do in a case like this is take a big step back from her and if she has the impulse to ask you why your being aloof just tell her straight….anything more confrontational is just dramatic
Jan 19th, 2012
msjordan11
Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. I can't stand when females don't know how to maintain a friendship just because some new d*ck is in the picture. I personally believe that something should be said at some point. You could also ignore the situation and wait for her to contact you and than say something. Maybe when you are not as accessible she'll have some alone time to reflect a bit. But unfortunately, reflection doesn't really happen until that person has been addressed and called out. So, I do believe something needs to be said. At the end of the day, if you are being accused of being a hater…who cares? You know the truth. Is there a part of you that is slightly jealous that she's getting manly affection and right now you aren't? Are you slightly jealous that she's super happy and "in love" and right now you don't have those butterflies? Are you slightly jealous that you don't have her as your single femme who can go out on the town with you?
If the answer is an honest "no" to these questions…than definitely address it and let her know that it doesn't make you feel good when you are her last resort. Friendships (just like relationships) require maintenance and if she doesn't recognize that you deserve more than just her back-up time…it may be time to for you to walk away from that friendship.
I wrote a blog on an issue that relates to this actually. I'll see if Lincoln will post it.
Good Luck NurseJilly
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
Naw I don't think your being a hater by telling her that… But I do think she will take it as such. Your friend sounds like a target, wow… Always amazes me how some women get so silly over man after man.
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
Agreed, I think it had to be addressed upfront like "bitch, this is your third "The One" in the last six months" what the fuck is wrong with you? Works for me…..
Jan 19th, 2012
MistaHarsh
MsJordan11's response was pretty accurate and thorough. To add to her questions that you should ask yourself:
Would you have an issue with her behaviour if you felt she was with a good man?
When you were in a relationship or head-over-heels did you put your man's needs before your friend's?
How often did you hang around your single friends when you were in a relationship?
In other words can you empathize with her situation.
I'm no doc but your friend sounds like a people addict and she'll quickly attach to anyone interesting and willing enough to devout their time. Although she may not have as much time for you she shouldn't insult you by not giving you a heads up that plans have changed.
I'd say don't tell her when she's in a relationship because she's too high on cloud 9 to understand. Tell her when she's sober/single and if she remains with this dude and is never single again be happy that she won't look at you and think to herself "this batch hated on me and my husband"
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
Although I think Jullys situation is shitty, the friend is obviously “that chick’ you speak about that cannot manage some new d*ck in her life… I do think this is a women’s issue only. Damn, my boys can vanish on me for months and I don’t give a damn because we know “nothing makes a man feel better then a woman” and I CANNOT help him with that… I simple move on to the next hanging partner… I have cancelled on dudes many times becaue of a chick and got nothing but “hit that son”, lol. Damn current chick cancelled on her BEST friend one time to kick it with me and best friend never spoke to her for six weeks.
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
Anyway, I agree she does have to call her out at some point because it’s obviously upsetting Jilly. Jilly, sometimes it just how you set the table babes… it does not have to be fancy and shit, just throw a plate and a fork on the table and eat her ass up… be real, don’t force some long drawn out conversations with her as its not needed. Simply state, my time is important so don’t be fucking me around. If you have plans keep em or give me notice and don’t be trying to fit me in because yours get altered. Done…. But im a man so what do I know…
Jan 19th, 2012
Mabl
I think even if you don't address her overall shitty friend behavior you should definitely address the disrespect of your time. If I make plans with a person it means I am not doing something else, disrespecting my time is a huge way to set me to go off, which I do not do, but I can go nuclear about wasted time. I waste a crap load of time on my own, I don't need anyone's help and I don't appreciate it. I mean really, who can't pick up the phone and say "Sorry, going to stay in bed today with my honey," when they know you are waiting on them?
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
Great advice!!
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
I agree with you. Even if my intentions are legit she's still going to get her back up and accuse me of hating.
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
Your'e right. What I plan to address is the disrespect and not having the decency to at least call me to cancel.
Jan 19th, 2012
msjordan11
@ Mabl: I agree. I hate waiting for people. Period. My time is just as precious as anyone else's. Whether I'm single, married or in a relationship.
@ NurseJilly: Just because you are single doesn't mean you are always readily available and it's ok to let you down. Time isn't something you can ever get back so when she's flopping on you, let her know that you could have asked someone else to go with or spend time with and it's really inconsiderate. Secondly, just from my experience…women who are too "available" never really get too much from the guy because he knows her world surrounds his schedule. She should really start investing more time in her friendships or her own personal hobbies and interests. Maintaining friendships are sooo important while being in a relationship because the friends that were around before him, will probably be around after him. It's great to spend time with new found love, but it's not cool to sidestep your homegirl who's probably going to be the one who will be wiping your tears when Mr. Perfect dips.
Jan 19th, 2012
Amanda Scott
You know what sucks? When you give people advice and they call you a hater when you're not even around! UGHHHH
Jan 19th, 2012
Amanda Scott
There's a tiny bit of hate in your problem! It sounds like you are more annoyed at her than anything else but if that's how she wants to chase love who are any of we to judge??
Jan 19th, 2012
Amanda Scott
I'm never called a hater thankfully, but then again I don't speak up nearly enough smh
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
some of yall are so damn soft that i can't see any of you being called haters!!! most people dont know what the hell they are doing so being called a hater should be a compliment!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
when you find out you gotta call them on that bs!!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
its only lonely if you are never right!! hell people get mad at me all the damn time but after being right most of the time they gonna start to seek your advice!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
100 percent hate on your part!!! i love it!!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
whats the friend doing wrong???
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
what the fuck is who her friend fucks anyones business???
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
women need to gtfoh with that maintaining friends shit!! and then yall wonder why yall are single??? let that girl go and explore new richard and quit hating!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
truth!! this is a woman issue!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
you aint no psychologist!! how you know she just doesnt follow her heart??!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
whats her shitty behaviour??? what you talking about??
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
too available?? whats that about??? your comment was full of hate!!
Jan 19th, 2012
msjordan11
@ Mad hater: Really? Never been called a hater. But I will take your comment into good consideration because It is so valued.
lol
Jan 19th, 2012
BADDEST
so youre saying youve gone from Mad Hater to Dear Abby in your circle of friends?
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
naw i just hang around other haters!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
yall can add relationship advice to your friends but it dont make her a douche if sh doesnt take it!! seems like thats what you and jill mad about!!
Jan 19th, 2012
msjordan11
I never said anything about her being a douche if she doesn't take the advice. I'm saying she's a douche if she doesn't value her friend's time. No one has time to be waiting around for unreliable women who ditch their girls for the first taste of testosterone. I've always been a woman who knew how to have a man and still keep my friends. It's really not rocket science.
Jan 19th, 2012
MistaHarsh
you're right I'm not one, I already made reference to that. Whether she's in love or not isn't the issue. I was referring to her taking on the characteristics or beliefs(even if they're contradictory) of the people she dates. Nothing wrong with adopting good practices from your partner but when you become chameleon like it begs the question: does she have an issue with her own identity?
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
The shitty behaviour is making plans with me only because he's not around so she's bored then not even having the decency to call me to cancel. I am honestly happy that she's happy. What I can't get with is her blatant disrespect for my time. If you make plans with me and realize that you can't make it don't wait for me to call to see where the hell you are, put on your big girl panties and pick up the damn phone.
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
Following your heart does not require changing everything about yourself to fit into a new persons life. A new relationship to me means learning and adapting to each others lives. Not oh… your a vegan, and then becoming vegan. The issue is she is always a blank canvas and has no likes or interests of her own to contribute.
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
You explained it perfectly.
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
see now you being self righteous!! the girlfriend just wants to spend time with her busy man and cancelled! yall can hang out anytime so why is she wrong for taking advantage of the time she can spend with dude??
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
that what women call shitty behaviour now??? she wanted to get smashed by the dude shes dating and she wanted you to be a back up plan!! whats wrong with that?? You shouldnt wait around for her and just let it be what it is!!
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
even if she does let the girl live and find love! when shes single i would love to see what her friends do when they find men! bet she lonely as shit!!
Jan 19th, 2012
msjordan11
Self-righteous?! Call it what you want. I call it the truth. It's one thing if she is cancels every now and than and it's another if she's always using her friend as a last resort. And how do you know that she can hang with her friend anytime? Life is short. People die. Our lives change all the time. I just don't believe in taking people for granted in this short life that we have. A friend who has been there through thick and thin for me deserves consideration.
Jan 19th, 2012
The_Mad_HATER
so we gonna act like most married people dont end up together alone?? friends come and go but when you find love and create a family all that hanging out shit and going to vegas becomes unimportant!!
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
You know what, it can alienate you if your the only one who tells someone when they are fucking up. I remember one time blazing a cousin of mine for how he was living. There was about 12 of us there and not one other spoke up and voiced how they really felt. Anyway, dude and I are still cool but we were never the same after me telling him the truth. Fucked up thing about it is he took my advice verbatim yet still is upset.
Anyway, I have did at one point do what you suggest… soon as they bought something to me I would say "permission to speak freely or is this where you want me to just listen"….
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
Its not the fucking that got me Hater….. it's the chicks (and some dudes) that treat everyone the fucking with like they were Heaven Sent, yet three days after it falls apart they got another who Jesus flew in.
Jan 19th, 2012
Jason
I judge, don't mean I think any different or treat you any different. Anyway, a friend has the right if your the one always left to help pick up the pieces.
Jan 19th, 2012
grandgryph
hatery or honesty?
lol. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed...!
Jan 19th, 2012
dddd
the way she keeps changing up herself to match the guy is probably why all the relationships have fallen flat. she need to speak with her about that because she's making herself usable, and she needs to call her out on ditching her and abandoning her. it has nothing to do with "being in a relationship and happy while exploring it" but has everything to do with leaving others in the dust but when a problem arise you go find them or when your s/o is busy you throw them a bone. thats some bull. people can understand that someone is happy in a new relationship and be happy or them, but people have the capacity to simultaneously see when theyre being taken for granted just because a new situation has come up. people arent that slow….
Jan 19th, 2012
dddd
she didnt cancel. she left her hanging
Jan 19th, 2012
MistaHarsh
you have a point here…
Jan 19th, 2012
NurseJilly
Exactly! I had to call her to see where she was.
Jan 19th, 2012
BADDEST
i hear ya….and like youre explaining it takes bravery and a certain self possesion to stick behind ones points of view, even when everyone else is pu**ying out and it takes a mature mind to know that sometimes not everyone wants to hear what we have to say….truth or no truth
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
I've been called a bitch, never a hater. Same ish! Quite frankly – IDGAF. Call me what you want, I cannot control how you perceive my words
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
They don't know how to maintain the balance
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
LMAO! I have to agree with this!
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
She sounds like she's in love with the idea of being in love
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
Women are a little more sensitive than that!!!!
Why the hell should she settle in being the "back up plan" especially if they have been good friends for a long time. The man should be the back up more than the friend until he has proven his worthiness! But then again, no offense Jilly, but your home girl sounds like she needs to figure out who she is and not be a chameleon like MistaHarsh mentioned
Jan 20th, 2012
Mabl
Perhaps it is why women are considered innately "nurturer gatherers", I think we generally consider friendship as an active, consistent, important, deep, connecting relationship. You have friends you see often and you have friends that remain on the fringes of your life. If a friend is all in your emotional time-space when they are single, but suddenly disappear when they have a significant other they come off as someone that doesn't view friendship as you do. It's like the friendship is only a way to pass time till what they really want (the other half to their funky, lonely, incomplete self) comes along. Friendship isn't dating or fucking around, it isn't just wasting time. Friends are important, especially if they are at a higher level of your emotional/time spectrum. Someone that takes you for fun until something better comes along is just as shitty a friend as the guy that fucks you for fun until something better comes along is often considered a shitty person (I happen to have no respect for the former, but don't really blame the latter). The same way someone would say forget the guy, I would say forget the friend, they are not invested in you like you are in them. And they are a shitty friend because what you have invested in them is not returned to you. They don't have to return it, and if they were placed at a more distant position in your life they wouldn't qualify as a shitty friend. They're shitty for the place they seem to have wanted/deserved in your life and then did not value.
Jan 20th, 2012
grandgryph
see this right here is how things go to pot, vicky. let's colour within the lines please!
bitch: a person – usually female – who is of a disagreeable nature and uses advantages in sneaky and trifling ways to make it look like they are bigger than they are. hence, the remedy, "smack a bitch".
"smacking a bitch" is a semi-gentle reminder of what real power is; and the sad truth his/her existence depends on your willingness to not utterly crush them. more than a "hater" a bitch is a person who juggles flame throwers while step-dancing on thin ice.
hater: a person who uses a variety of tactics (e.g., smarty-art sounding "critiques", undermining attitudes and/or unmitigated rudeness) to attack those who they somehow perceive to be better off than them simply BECAUSE they believe that person to be better than them.
they are related of course, but still very different. i swear i'm not letting black people ruin anymore words. i'm still seething about what happened to 'thick"
Jan 20th, 2012
Vicky
See, now I do not fit any of those descriptions. Being straight up harsh but honest, why sugar coat things. Now that is what earned me that title. And I don't take shit and have smack a chick or two in my life…c'est la vie.
Jan 21st, 2012
Michelle
I'm not really the talking type but I've given a couple slaps to MEN!
I know its wrong and I could have been hurt pretty bad but sometimes it just needs to be done.
Jan 23rd, 2012
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