“Men Don’t HEAL, We HOE”

F*^K a groundhog, if you want to TRULY know how fast spring is gonna be here, just take a look at how many relationships around you are quickly crumbling. THAT is the true sign of how long/short winter is gonna be. But I digress, as I start to see relationships all around me end in spectacular fashion, I’m also noticing one of the more consistent themes of the post-relationship war is how women NEGATIVELY view men’s newly-single coping techniques. There is ONE thing that women seem to NOT understand about men: We don’t HEAL – we HOE.

That brilliant sentiment is the title of a book written by Steven James Dixon, and he’s RIGHT on point with that reality. The truth is, men don’t fully know how to deal with the end of a relationship while women mourn the end of love with a disorganized grace that we as men can truly learn from. Women will go from rage to remorse to regret to reconsidering to rebounding and then eventually to recovering, all with the help of their homegirls, French Vanilla ice cream and Mary J. Blige albums. But mostly women allow themselves to publicly and privately run a FULL gamut of emotions to get it all out and move on. But us men, well, not so much.

Whether it’s society’s external pressure or our own internal constraints, us men simply do NOT allow ourselves to embrace our emotions the way women do regardless of how cathartic it could actually be. We still abide by the old school ideology that real men don’t cry [especially not over some “b*tch”] which makes us act aloof and unemotional towards her. But mostly because we simply don’t wanna look like this:

So what do we do instead? We H0E. We believe the best way to get OVER our old girl is to get UNDER a NEW girl and for the most part that is complete BULLSH*T. No matter how MUCH nani we get, no matter how GREAT it is and no matter how MUCH she can deep throat and swallow, there’s no amount of sexual gratification in new p*ssy that can fill the emotional void inside of us after losing a woman we love. No doubt it helps build our confidence back and helps ingratiate us back into the dating scene and how to be single again, but it offers NO long term solution to the pain we are going through [which unemotional and BAD sex makes terribly obvious].

So ladies, this is the REALITY of why your new-ex boyfriend/husband is running all up in some new chick just after you guys break up. Also, this is why your new man may even be talking to you in the first place. He’s not ready to be with anyone, but he believes YOUR nani is the first giant step towards emotional recovery. He may look happy [and a few of them may actually be] but no amount of hoeing is gonna help him, so you may want to avoid being this dude’s rebound and avoid giving a damn about how your ex chooses to rebound.

The MANLY rebound..

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    02/27/2012 at 3:22 AM

    Gentlemen, Do You Agree That We Don't Heal As Well As Women Do After A Relationship For The Most Part? Is Hoeing Around A Decent Recovery Technique For Some Men, Or Is It Terrible For All Women?

    Ladies, Have You Witnessed Any Of Your Ex's Hoeing Instead Of Healing? Also, Are Women Guilty Of This Too?

    • Vicky

      02/27/2012 at 8:58 AM


      Yes, men have tendencies to hoe themselves out after a relationship, especially if their heart was broken. I thought it was just the way you all dealt with your pain. First time I saw this was after my high school sweetheart and I broke up….he went buck wild, and I had a male friend explain this theory to me which then made me indifferent to the whole situation.

      Are women guilty of this?? HELL YEAH! Who ever says no, they are lying to themselves and everyone else around them. One way of getting over one Richard is to hop onto the next! If anyone is going to sit here and tell me otherwise, let's just jog your memory of when you were heart broken – yes, you may have had Hagen Daaz and Kleenex as your BFF, moped around, and dealt with your pain with your friends…then you have a GF like me who says "get your ass up and let go out!!" Once you are out and you realize, "OH SHIT, I"M SINGLE!", men approach you, one thing leads to the next…..the next morning – "*insert exes name* WHO?"

      Ultimately, NO one should hoe around, just deal with your sh*t and move on but reality is everyone wants everything pronto without really working for it

      • grandgryph

        02/27/2012 at 10:04 AM


        i'm so glad you patrol these forums and temper linc's excesses. women too – thank GAWD -`f*ck to forget'. and you added the critical piece of being 'back on the scene', you neglected to mention however the 'am i still sexy/can i keep up with these other bishes' part. which is a very important one. there's NOTHING like sexual motivation a woman gets from trying to stay ahead of the field.

        newphews, a woman fresh out of a relationship is some of the hottest sex there is. i know. i'm not gonna say that i'm a rebound specialist, but if p*ssy was ball i'd make dennis rodman look like andrea bargniani.

        • Vicky

          02/27/2012 at 1:27 PM

          Thank you GrandGryph – I'm just trying to keep it real here.

          I'm not neglecting that statement at all because the sexy feeling or the I can keep up thoughts come during the hoe phase.

          When it starts, the woman is usually hard on herself thinking that she isn't sexy or worth another man and usually blames them selves for the break up (with what ever excuse comes to their minds). Once they hit skins with another man, that's when the confidence sky rockets and those thoughts are present. "I bagged this mofo, I still got it going on"

          • grandgryph

            02/27/2012 at 2:18 PM

            have you no worry of the vengeful wrath 'the sisterhood' will send raining down on you vicky?

          • Vicky

            02/27/2012 at 2:22 PM

            Not at all! They should be worried of my wrath! 😀

          • grandgryph

            02/27/2012 at 2:23 PM


        • Nuu

          02/29/2012 at 11:32 AM

          *in kanye voice* Nigga, you CRĀY'!!

          But yeah some girls do get like that…idk people forget that it takes 2 people to have sex. So technically both male and females are just as horny. I suppose you can get into the dichotomy of who initiates what, but I think I can agree w/what you're saying wholeheartedly.

          Guys generally fuck to forget….or play some call of duty and sticky grenade some hoes (lol sticky grenade lol…get it lolll). I mean make-up sex is a version of it. But while separated or done w/someone, getting a new taste is what many do. I tried to think, "hmmm, have I do that before..I don't think so," but I actually have when I wasn't even looking, but I definitely said yes. It hadn't even been 2 hours since break up…but Dayam, those tittays were GIGANTIC…mmm.

      • Mimilove

        02/27/2012 at 10:58 AM

        That scenario you described about women being guilty of it too, is pretty spot-on! I was thinking about that while I was reading!

        I think everyone is susceptible to improper healing, it just looks a little different. For women it tends to be less overt. More like happenstance than a planned event. For men, their improper healing tends to look a bit more blatant. At least that was my take away!

        oh and Good morning Mama!


        • A Grown Ass Man

          02/27/2012 at 12:12 PM

          I think men try to be hoes while women just try to not be too uptight

          Good Morning to you too

      • A Grown Ass Man

        02/27/2012 at 12:09 PM

        I think the mentality behind men and women hoeing around is different

        Men hoe knowing we are hoeing and with the purpose of being a hoe while women i think look to have fun and enjoy themselves with rebound d!ck

        I don't think its the same at all

        • Vicky

          02/27/2012 at 12:59 PM

          I can agree to some extent.

          Mentally yes there is a huge difference because we don't think like you and vice versa. However, the main reasoning is the same, you are basically "hoeing" yourself out to fill that void, that gap, or to repress any emotions from the last relationship.

          Both men and women have rebound sex – it's not just women. For the most part, I believe men go on the rebound far longer than women or 'good' women realize that this really doesn't solve your pain and usually stop shortly after it started. Some men are still on their 5 year mark of hoeing around since their last heart break

          • A Grown Ass Man

            02/27/2012 at 2:42 PM

            Agree with you completely Vicky

      • Concrete_Rose

        02/27/2012 at 12:40 PM

        Yup! For me im single and ready to mingle! Despite how I feel inside, i can't let you see that side. And then, I'll let you do your hoeing around but I def can get spiteful and mean, so at the right time I'll get you where it hurts. If I have no plans of ever getting back with you best believe I see the way your friend looks at me. A new dick doesn't heal me the day after. After one ex, I tried to cope with a previous bump buddy and cried. So not for me! But spiteful revenge sex, with someone I know would you get roused up….thats goood! ; )

        But I will say these games only work short term. And you

        • Concrete_Rose

          02/27/2012 at 12:40 PM

          And you have to know who youre playing with cause that person might be able to play dirtier than you.

          • Vicky

            02/27/2012 at 1:07 PM

            True – but this sounds more like the revenge game to me. That's just playing with fire and of course it would leave any woman in tears. But there has to be one (or several – I don't judge) break up(s) where you thought to yourself "F*CK MEN AND ALL THEIR BS", shortly after you start your hoe phase. Nothing to do with your ex in the sense that you are doing it and dangling it in front of his face…the only way he is even associated is the pain (anger, sadness, frustration, etc) all started from him.

          • Concrete_Rose

            02/27/2012 at 2:27 PM

            Idk. When i used to be on my I don't want to deal with men and their bs. I wouldn't deal with anyone. I was off limits unless I was scheming doing some revenge jealousy stuff, as described in the situation above. For me I can't really say I had much of a hoe phase..I kept ending up in relationships. I tried the celibacy thing, fail. Then in my single time I would recycle my ex's.

          • Vicky

            02/27/2012 at 2:54 PM

            Yeah, I concur – no hoe phase for you! LOL!

            Nothing wrong with that, not all women do it. To each their own

          • ChloeRayne516

            02/27/2012 at 1:36 PM

            Or Kill You!!! *smhl*


            Messing with your ex's homeboy……. IS DANGEROUS, but hey I guess some people like living on the edge. #NotJudging

          • Concrete_Rose

            02/27/2012 at 2:18 PM

            Lol dangerous yes. I learned. But i think there's only certain levels of fucked up shit a person can do to make someone do that. Idk i wasn't one to roll with the punches.

        • A Grown Ass Man

          02/27/2012 at 2:43 PM

          I think that vengeful sex shit usually bites the woman in the ass more than the man

          God forbid that condom breaks

    • ChloeRayne516

      02/27/2012 at 2:50 PM

      "Is Hoeing Around A Decent Recovery Technique For Some Men, Or Is It Terrible For All Women?"

      I don't think Hoeing it up is a good recovery techique for men because remember these people you are casually sleeping with are being caught up in your mess as well and becoming casualties of your own private inner war – some can make it out of the ambush unscathed better than others but your ho'ing instead of healing is definiltey leaving a trail of tears.

      And Yes Women are guilty of this too but we usually categorize it as "Girl I'm just Doing Me" or "Ain't no ring on this finger" or "I'm on a Break" but for the most part that does not mean we are sleeping with every dude we find attractive.

  2. Mimi

    02/27/2012 at 7:12 AM

    i recently realized that most of the men that are hoeing around and acting all bad and i dont care, are the ones that are emotionally damaged…!!
    And it takes a long hoeing around for them to recover.. till they like accidently fall for 1 of their 1 night stands.

    • Vicky

      02/27/2012 at 11:30 AM

      Then the process starts all over again!

    • A Grown Ass Man

      02/27/2012 at 12:14 PM

      I think it takes longer for men to heal whether they are hoeing around or not because society doesn't think it's cool for us to deal with pain in a vulnerable way

      Even if we aren't drowning in new wet women, we are still not focusing on the true source of our pain

  3. Candice

    02/27/2012 at 10:43 AM

    "Ultimately, NO one should hoe around, just deal with your sh*t and move on but reality is everyone wants everything pronto without really working for it."


    • Vicky

      02/27/2012 at 11:30 AM

      thank you! :)

  4. A Grown Ass Man

    02/27/2012 at 12:17 PM

    Call me crazy but I think men are incapable of dealing with our emotional problems therefore getting new women is actually the smart thing to do

    The question we need to ask ourselves is are grown men even capable of healing properly? Maybe we need to give up on this generation of men and start grooming more boys who are aware of their sensitivity

    • ChloeRayne516

      02/27/2012 at 2:38 PM

      But you have to deal with your emotional problems FIRST in order to heal…. So if you think men are incapable of dealing with ya'll emotional problems then how do you expect grown men to be capable of healing properly?

      • A Grown Ass Man

        02/27/2012 at 2:41 PM

        That's my thing I don't think grown men are capable of healing properly

        I think we just deal however we can and let time make the pain subside

        • dddd

          02/27/2012 at 6:01 PM

          who "heals" anymore? people just adapt or occupy their minds with other things

    • Paul B.

      02/27/2012 at 8:18 PM

      It's not that we are incapable of healing properly from a lack of ability, I'm inclined to think it's more of programming, faulty programming at that. We're taught to walk it off, even when sometimes we need to sit down, diagnose, and take the steps necessary to heal. "As men we were taught to hold it in, that's why we don't know how to be older men"-Common (off his "Be" Album, long before he got into that lame beef with Drake)

  5. dddd

    02/27/2012 at 6:08 PM

    hoeing around is hilarious to me "sleep around with randoms to make yourself feel better.. accidentally get the 1 night stand pregnant/get std… life is now over… proceed to commit suicide… all for one night of forgetting the pain" …..you get out of one situation only to risk getting into a worse one for no benefit other than a sexual one… i find that jokes

    then again i've never really supported casual sex.. so anything revolving around that and its unnecessary risks is jokes to me.

    ive personally never done the post-breakup "hoeing" thing.. not the physical aspect of it anyway moreso emotional hoeing if you will… by that i mean i find that more females emotionally hoe by seeking the emotional support and confirmation of many men, to build back their self esteem after a break up… however there are those who do both..

  6. amber

    10/16/2012 at 2:56 PM

    wow this is sooo crazy, im actually going through this situation now. My bf and I met 5 years ago it ended after 2 years. AS of 2 months ago we hooked back up after 3 years. Hes been sleeping with random women i found out for the past year and a half . We were talking of marriage last year and I backed out completely. Its my fault but wondered if i hurt em to the point of hoeing and him not caring for the other person he s shaking the sheets with. Crazy how true this is. Men really do hoe to erase the pain

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  9. Sherri

    03/18/2016 at 6:19 AM

    Yes, my ex is currently hoeing, but I also found out that before out relationship he was a hoe so he's basically just gone back to the way he was, publicly flirting on social media with chicks that aren't much too look at but hey a hoe will be a hoe, it's actually embarrassing to think I dated someone who acts like that.

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