KNOCKED UN-Conscience: Pastors Who Turn Funerals Into Recruitment Rallies

"Even doe it's a sad occasion-NAH, we must celebrate life-AH, by droppin' it like it's HAWT in the name of the LAWDD!"

About a month ago I went to a wake on a gloomy Friday night. I did not know the beautiful grandmother in the casket, but from all I heard she was an amazing woman, and to see how her loss affected those around her definitely verified that for me. As church hymns were sung, and families embraced and close friends shared their personal stories with her, I was amazed at how strong and simultaneously vulnerable everyone was and it was humbling to witness – until the gotdamn pastor came up and turned a loving memorial into a hate-filled, cunty, rhetoric-laced recruitment speech.

This woman got on the mic LOUD as all hell, and started to get everyone up on their feet to proclaim the greatness of Jesus. Now THIS I had no problem with, since the lady who passed was a devout Christian and whether or not the rest of us were was of no consequence. This is how SHE would want her religious beliefs to be infused into her funeral, and I’m completely cool with that. But sh*t started to take a WILD turn when the pastor began stating, and re-stating and re-re-stating that “THE ONLY WAY TO GET TO HEAVEN IS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST! RIGHT?! AMEN!!” with an overtly strong emphasis Β on “ONLY.” It was at that point when I started to feel a little attacked, BUT I was like cool, that’s their beliefs and I have my own, and this is not about me so I need to show respect and let them do their thing.

But LAWD, it got even worse.

So as she keeps professing the extreme extent of her religious views she FINALLY got to the point I was WAITING for: “YOU CAN’T BE SAVED BY ALLAH!! OR BUDDHA!! OR JUDAH!! OR ANY OTHER CRAZY THING – JUST JESUS CHRIST RIGHT?! AMEN!!” And at that point I was officially done with this b*tch. All I could think in my head was “go F*CK yourself you smug, self-righteous trick.”

What pissed me off about her actions was the fact that the person in the casket became NOTHING but a sideshow for HER Christian recruitment song and dance. The stories that encompassed the amazing life this woman had led were now of ZERO importance. The inconsolable mourning of her family and friends were wholly UNIMPORTANT in the grand scheme of promoting HER congregation and elevating HER religious beliefs. Basically, I wasn’t at a wake anymore – I was officially at a REVIVAL – and the body in the casket was dehumanized to nothing more than a promotional piece for her rant.

This is what I hope ALL fake Pastors get:

What continued to piss me off is the fact that this woman had touched so many people in her life that people of all races, nationalities and RELIGIONS came out to support her, and while they have NO right to take umbrage with the Christians celebrating their religion, they had MORE than enough right to be PISSED off at having their religion SH*T on by some frowsy DOUCHE with a mic.

And what continues to piss me off even to today is the fact that this is NOT the first time [and probably WON’T be the last] that I encounter this BS. It seems like 2 out of every 3 funerals I go to [of people of ALL religions – not just Christians alone] has a strong anti-everyone message in it, which frankly DISGUSTS me. If there’s one thing that should unite ALL human beings in common relativity it’s DEATH – because we all go through it and we are ALL gonna succumb to it. We all have had to deal with it and we ALL know the pain of losing someone close to us. Funerals should be a time of us uniting under that common bond to assist each other in overcoming the grief – not further separating each other because we pray differently [if at all].

So let this blog act as one piece of my last will and testament if I die before I get the chance to formally do one: Do NOT – and I repeat – DO NOT make my funeral OVERLY-RELIGIOUS and full of separatist-bullsh*t rhetoric. Seeing as I have friends from all religions, races , colours and creeds – just focus on how much we LOVED each other despite our differences.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

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