LISTEN UP LADIES: It’s NOT Them, It’s YOU, So Get To Know YOU & OWN It! [By: GrandCentral]

The most beautiful and self-prevailing feeling that a woman can have, is to know herself. There is something exhilarating and a feeling of true freedom that will wash over you, once you’ve realized that you really know who you are as a woman, what you stand for, and exactly what you want out of life. That’s when things tend to fall into place. Believe me – IT’S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

Over the last two-years Linc has done an excellent job of schooling us about all of the behaviors and traits that will help us prevail in love and have successful relationships. I must say over the last three weeks he’s hit the ball out of the park, especially with FYI: Nice Guys/Successful Men – Women Don’t OWE Your Punk-Ass ANY P*ssy; The One Trait EVERY Man DESPERATELY Looks For In A WIFE; And “Bad B*tches Come In FIRST, H0ES Come In Second & Good Girls Finish LAST”However, his advice means NOTHING if you are wandering through life having a severe case of uncertainty, low self-esteem or unrealistic ideals of yourself.

I am fortunate to have a diverse group of very close girlfriends who come from all walks of life. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been subjected to the “almighty list.” Yes, “the LIST!” You all know exactly what I am talking about. The list is often equated with happiness and revolves around finding love. It ranks physical attributes at the top, then financial/career requirements and is closely followed by material possessions (ie. house in a certain neighborhood, certain car, etc). I really hate “the list” and find it to be a symbol of immaturity, because women require a man to have characteristics (I’ll let Linc address that at a later time) that they themselves lack. I have girlfriends who get the guy, but their uncertainty and lack of self-awareness leads to random insecurities, then I get the phones calls of “why this or why that.” These women simply have no clue who the hell they are. They’ve equated happiness with shallow and unrealistic requirements or they’ve begun to create rules from a playbook that simply doesn’t exist. Let’s fix this.

Pause. Take a moment to dig deep down inside and find out who you really are, so that you are attractive to men for the right reasons.

Here’s a few steps you can take….

Set aside a designated period of time where you focus exclusively on you. Evaluate your past and existing relationships – parents, friends and colleagues. Are you the type of woman who has maintained long-term relationships or short-term relationships? How is your relationship with your mother and/or father? For women, many believe that our relationships with our fathers play a major role in our relationships with men. Take the time to evaluate your relationship with your father and try to understand its strengths and weaknesses. You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding your friendships. What do your friends mean to you? What have your friends contributed to your life and what have you contributed to theirs? Using myself as an example – I’ve had the same best friend since I was 6-years old and have friends in my life from every stage; childhood, high school, college, and my post graduate/career years. If you have a similar pattern of friendships, look closely at how you’ve maintained those friendships. Look at your professional network and alliances. What does that network say about you and the company you keep, versus the qualities you are looking for in a man?

Dig deep inside and ask yourself the very important questions – Who Am I? What Do I Want Out Of Life? How Am I Perceived? Before we ask ourselves these questions, we think we already know the answers. We really don’t! Stop focusing on personal gain and concentrate on the things that will make you a better person. You’ll begin to understand your purpose on a deeper level, and understand that as an individual “you” control your path. Ambition is born out of that understanding.

Of course we can’t forget the outer portion of our shell – our physical bodies. We all know that men are physical creatures – appease them! However, do so from the mind frame of a woman who knows herself and is comfortable in her own skin. Exercise strengthens us physically and stimulates us mentally as well. Get some running shoes and make it happen. Confidence (not arrogance or cockiness) is key and will lead to additional positive attributes. Please add brainpower. Smart women rule! Pick up a book or turn on the news. Information is power and it enriches us. This falls in line with Linc’s versatility trait. Men dig a woman who can converse on multiple subjects.

Bring your “A” game to life. I repeat, Bring-Your- “A”- Game- to- Life! Concentrate on the aspects of your life that you can control. That’s when your best you will emerge and you will truly know yourself. No Lists, No Drama, No Nonsense. To know you is to define yourself. Life and love are so much easier, I promise.

This Is Your Conscience

GrandCentral is a blogger with The Urban Politico. She is NOT a relationship expert, just a single 29 year-old, living in New York City dishing out advice to friends.

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

24 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    04/04/2012 at 5:22 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, DoYou Agree That Creating Dating Lists Do More Harm Than Good?!

    Also Ladies, Do You Think GrandCentral's Steps Could Help More Women Be Stronger Individually And Therefore Better Relationship-Material [Hence They Would Know Themselves]?

  2. lincolnanthonyblades

    04/04/2012 at 5:22 AM

    I Think This Was An Excellently Written Piece Personally & I Can See How It's Useful Not Just For Women, But Even For Men Too…

    • GrandCentral

      04/04/2012 at 12:09 PM

      Thanks Linc! Good to know my thoughts have your stamp of approval :) I'm glad you pointed out that this could apply to men as well. I actually had that point originally written, but eliminated it in my editing.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        04/04/2012 at 2:54 PM

        Bringing That Word Count Down Can Be A Bitch Sometimes Ain't It?! LoL

  3. NYCO23

    04/04/2012 at 9:10 AM

    Powerful message…Food for thought! Great piece.

    • GrandCentral

      04/04/2012 at 12:03 PM

      Thank you! I hope it hits home for a few people and helps them out.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      04/04/2012 at 2:54 PM

      Agreed

  4. Piscean

    04/04/2012 at 9:43 AM

    I think this was a very well written piece. Thankfully, I don't know many women who have a list. Having this list creates self-entitlement. As if YOU and every other women wouldn't be content with the same idealistic good traits about a man. But when you create a list, you are also missing out on some great people who you may be compatible with. Their lack of traits matched up with to your list don't make the cut so now they don't get a fair chance.

    It sounds cliche, but it's true. Happiness does come from within and if you are happy with yourself, it shines to others. It's not only about finding someone else to make you happy. Find what makes you happy and treat yourself to being the best you, you can be.

    • GrandCentral

      04/04/2012 at 12:02 PM

      Thank you Piscean, I'm glad you liked.

      You are spot on about the list! The list does more harm than good. Determining compatibility should come naturally and not be forced. Happiness from within is so cliche, but who cares :) It's true and has never failed anyone. I believe myself to be living proof. This applies to so many facets of our lives and shouldn't be relegated to relationships only.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      04/04/2012 at 2:56 PM

      I've Always Maintained This Ideology About Lists: If You Are Going To Create A List Of All The Positives You Want Your Future Significant Other To Have, Make A List Of All Your FLAWS You Want Them To Be Able To Deal With..THEN Compare The Two

  5. Smilez_920

    04/04/2012 at 10:34 AM

    Self discovery is a journey. For some it might take 6 months for others a year but once you start you won’t regret it. It's not always easy to shine a light on your weak spot especially if you’re not quite sure how to make it better.

    As far as a list f what you want in a mate. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being stern on certain qualities you want in a mate. Maybe you want someone who is caring, honest, understanding. Just don’t over do it. Plus if you do have a list look at it and see if you have those qualities, and be honest with yourself. Maybe you’re not understanding, work on that, maybe you’re not where you want to be in your career, work on that, maybe you’re not considerate of others, work on it.

    Other than that, great post and beautiful writing.

    • GrandCentral

      04/04/2012 at 12:29 PM

      “Self discovery is a journey. For some it might take 6 months for others a year but once you start you won’t regret it.” Standing Ovation for Smilez_920

      I probably should have organized my thoughts more concisely on “the list,” but as you can see it IRKS the hell out of me. You are absolutely correct, we have to know what we want in a mate, that’s part of knowing yourself. I consider those characteristics that you’ve mentioned non list items, because let’s face it, “the list” I am referring to never includes these things. However, they a most important.

      You’ve actually touched on something else that really, really, really IRKS me and I am hoping I can fancy Linc to hit it from a males prospective in a post. Men and Women – STOP requiring what you lack!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      04/04/2012 at 3:02 PM

      See I Think The Problem Is Defining What You WANT Versus What You DON'T WANT…I Think Often Times The Specificity Of Our Wants Is What Leads To Lists Being Stupid, While Simply Stating What We DON"T Need Can Actually Help..

      I.E. To Say I DON'T WANT A Non-Educated Woman, Does Not Mean I Should Necessarily Only Talk To Ph.D's..

  6. NurseJilly

    04/04/2012 at 12:34 PM

    Excellent piece. I totally agree with everything you mentioned. I have this quote saved in my phone thats a nice reminder for when I'm feeling like a failure in the love department.

    "Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you love to do, in order to have what you want."- Margaret Young

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      04/04/2012 at 3:03 PM

      Good Quote ill!

    • GrandCentral

      04/11/2012 at 9:58 AM

      Thank you NurseJilly. I've stolen this quote from you. I am putting it in my phone, posting it on my fridge, Facebook Account and Twitter :) Good stuff.

  7. Shady_Grady

    04/04/2012 at 1:21 PM

    Nice post. I do think that people in general focus too much on what the other person can do for them and not enough on what they bring to the equation. But what do I know. Look forward to reading more.. =)

  8. Concrete_Rose

    04/04/2012 at 2:48 PM

    I don't see "the list" as necessarily. But it obviously depends on what's on that list. Is it that I want him to have a chestnut complexion, 8 pack, long eyelashes. Or is it character qualities. Honest, driven,family oriented etc, spiritual.
    Now I whole heartedly believe that anything you ask In someone else you need to first demand in yourself. So i think having a mental list is good in that it keeps in perspective what you want. Too often there are women literally jumping from one guy to the next wasting time with ppl that don't engulf the things she wants.

    I also think that this list is not something that should be held too rigidly in that it's just a focus point. Once you end up falling for someone, more often than not you find they maybe weak in this. Criteria of your list strong in another. And you just take the good with the bad and use your positives to complement each other.

    It's all about how you view the list. AND you can't have a successful healthy relationship with someone else before knowing what it truly means to love yourself, which also comes from first knowing yourself. Good post.

  9. Mz_Ericka

    04/04/2012 at 11:06 PM

    Despite being deep in the reading, the humor in me HAD to reread the pt –Men dig a woman who can converse on multiple subjects– With Conversate lol…But back to the subject, I Loved reading this post, Thank you Grand Central! Earlier today I had already set aside tonight for this very purpose of much needed Me Time for 'defining who I am, and reflecting on a few relationships.'

    Def adding " Bring your A game to life" n NurseJilly's Margaret Young quote 2 my phone!

    –Peace

  10. Shaun

    04/05/2012 at 11:12 AM

    I have to take issue with this post. It's a magazine article thinly veiled as a self-help book. What you are telling women in essence is do these things… and you will make yourself more attractive to men. I though the article was about personal development and self-awareness NOT personal development and self-awareness IN ORDER TO GET a man. Women who are as self-aware as you would like them to be should be tat the stage where getting a man is not the end all be all of their existence.

    I agreed with this article until it went the WAY of all other women's articles how to change/upgrade yourself to find a man. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you, especially about taking time fro introspection and growth but my interpretation was—- do all these things and you will open up yourself to a man.

    Good advice but at the end of the day the underlying message is no different from anything else out there. And that is MY issue with this post.

    With regard to the title of the post sometimes it IS these gotdamn men and NOT the women.

    • Shaun

      04/05/2012 at 11:14 AM

      Pardon the typos. I just hit send before a final edit.

  11. grandgryph

    04/05/2012 at 10:17 PM

    someone DARES take the title 'grand' while i still lurk these forums?! what the duce!

    • GrandCentral

      04/09/2012 at 10:41 PM

      Haha :) No worries buddy, I' ve seen you around and you will alway be "Grand."

      The name actually has a significant meaning. I was born and raised in upstate New York, but all of my family resided in Brooklyn, so I went back and forth between the city and upstate as a child, thus allowing me to spend A LOT of time in Grand Central Station. Then when I finished undergrad, my first IB gig was in the MetLife building in NYC which is above Grand Central Station. I was there for 3-years, and every single day I walked through to get into my office, it brought back memories of my childhood. So to this day, Grand Central is a very special place to me and holds a special spot in my heart :)

      • grandgryph

        04/09/2012 at 10:50 PM

        hmm.
        plausible

        …we'll be watching you gc.

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