Earlier today I read that Halle Berry was ordered by the court to give her baby-father $20K a month in child support. Although I love Halle, I did a little two-step in my living room, just for the fact that a WOMAN can finally feel what it’s like to get screwed by the legal system in a child support case [and hopefully more judgements like this will come along]. The comments section of the blog I was reading this on was full of a lot of surprising comments about how the decision is BS and “poor” Halle is being taken advantage of [although if HE had to pay HER 20K, none of them would say a DAMN thing, but I digress], but the one comment that struck me as weird was one woman essentially saying “See this is why women need to stay away from marrying these broke ass men” which was followed by a whole heap of women LIKING her comment and then subsequently repeating her point about women only marrying dudes with money so when they leave them they don’t end up being screwed over [although Halle was never married to dude]. The point is, it opened my eyes to the fact that MANY women [as well as MANY men] have such a F*^KED-UP perspective on marriage, it’s no wonder some people avoid the institution all together.
Ladies, it’s time to have a REAL, open and honest conversation about marriage and why many men object to it, that is not predicated on outdated, corny and downright insulting ideologies. Whenever we talk about men and their aversion to getting hitched, we always joke around and laugh about the stereotypical male issues with marriage such as committing to one vagina for the rest of their lives,and being a neutered house pet until the day they die, but we never REALLY peel beneath the surface and look at things from a deeper aspect. Although some of men’s objections to marriage are predicated in childish thought, one of the MAIN [and highly overlooked] reasons men don’t want to get married is our insecurity of our society’s allegiance to marriage.
Allow me to explain. Back in the days [regardless of what their individual motives were] marriage was seen as a life-long institution where two people came together as one until the day they died. Nowadays, marriage sometimes seems like some sh*t you just SHOULD do to be a “good” couple, with the lifelong intent of the act nowhere to be seen. The realization I came to last night is that I have NO faith in our society’s understanding that marriage is NOT just about a wedding, exchanging rings and a “legitimate” reason to have kids, but it’s actually an eternal commitment to one another that is suppose to transcend time. As much as I PERSONALLY feel that I can and will find love, marriage and happiness, I MORE than understand why many guys just say F*^K it, and become anti-marriage. These men do NOT hate the idea of being married – they HATE the fact that so many women approach marriage as the final step of dating, instead of the first step of their now conjoined lives.
So ladies, when a man says he is UNSURE of his feelings about being married, he’s NOT necessarily saying he’s against it - the truth is, there are MANY men out there who are completely for it, but are just simply losing faith that marriage is still a respected, reverent and relevant institution in the minds of OTHERS.
But to those men who feel that, I will say this: If you really WANT to be married, the WORST thing you can do is deprive yourself based on what OTHER people go through.
This Is Your Conscience
76 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies And Gentlemen, Do You Feel Our Society's Perception Of Marriage As A LIFELONG Union Has Changed Today?! Do We Look At Marriage In A Less Important Way Nowadays?
Jun 21st, 2012
todd
He wouldn't have gotten 20 grand if he was black. We all know caucasians stick together in the court of law. Both black men and women need to think about that before getting involved in an interracial union. Plenty have been screwed already.
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
He wouldn't have gotten 20 grand if he was black"
Please get out of my head. Please and thank you!! *lol*
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Honestly I don't think it's society on a whole but moreso men than women who 's perception on marriage has changed. Women for the most part still look at marriage as a union/bond in hopes of building a family and life together BUT menfolk today see it as a trap for that women to try to COME UP in the end she's taking him to the cleaners.. *smdhhard* how many times have we heard a man say "Ain't no beyotch getting my money".
Jun 21st, 2012
petersburgh
I think society has changed the perception. Women tend to look at it as security be it financial or to "lock down a man" or whatever have you and men look at it as a trap (Of course I'm generalising here). I find some women tend to focus on the wedding too much and when that high is gone, well pretty much everything else is and some men do it to "keep' the women home while they gallivant. To put it blunt we messed up our own perception of marriage as well as our children's.
Jun 21st, 2012
single black mother and dating
Child Support means the child is living with him and if that is the case she needs to help pay for the child, also no one request a specific amount for child support it is based on a yearly salary. she happens to make a lot of money so $20,000 is what it amounts to. Off course he does not need that much money per month but the courts cannot adjust the child support percentage law as they choose, its usually 15% of a yearly salary for 1 child and 17% and more for additional children. This is only about the laws nothing personal.
With regards to Marriage and how it is viewed by adults today, for me it is simple if you came from a emotionally fucked up family then your views on ANY form of commitment is going to be negative, and that is whats going on, adults who are emotionally fucked up dating and marrying and what they really need is to fix themselves emotionally FIRST so they can understand their value to a relationship and the value of a commitment.
Jun 21st, 2012
Dyquen
Best comment yet. Cosigned and notaried. Im not scared of marriage hell im ready to settle down, but I am wary about the other persons motives on why they wanna get married. A couple females I almost proposed to either saw marriage as a financial bailout or because her clock was ticking and she didnt care who she hitched with as long as she got married by a certain age and finally brought a Just-add dad to her premade family mix. I have no qualms with single moms, but I cant stand it when she looks at me as her way of either gaing back her prekids life or to silence judgemental parents, friends, or her own idea of marriage.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
Man! I went on a FB rant about this mess yesterday. First of all, I am TOTALLY AGAINST the way they calculate how much child support you should get. If you have joint custody of a child, you should NOT have to pay child support. You should simply split all fees associated with the childs upbringing. You're both paying for homes to house the child, clothes, etc. I must be the Ex of the Century! I WAIVED…that's right…WAIVED child support!!! Why? Cause I'm educated and employed with my own good money and I can afford to pay my half of our children's fees without penalizing him cause he happens to make more money than me.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
NO CHILD COSTS $20K A MONTH!!! I make $80K+ a year and I'm raising 2 children…doing just fine. It does not cost $20K a month to take your 1 child to Canada to visit your family. Her daycare/nanny better charge $2k a week! He better pay a chef to feed her. She better have a new wardrobe every month. No one should be penalized by the system for living better/being better off than the other parent. Women need to do a better job of picking parents for their children. J.Lo better take notice. Don't give Casper no kids girl…
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
I agree. It doesn’t take that much money to raise a child; I think the courts need to redo some of these laws to properly accommodate people’s situations. Also let’s be honest if it was the other way around I don’t think some women would be up in arms. They would say "girl she deserves it".
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
Marriage… Heck committed relationships in this society have become a joke. I got on twitter sometimes and see all the men vs. women relationship rants going on and just log off. Like someone stated above a lot of people are emotionally unstable. I also think a lot of people view marriage as a sacrifice instead of looking at it as an addition. Instant gratification also plays a huge role.
Jun 21st, 2012
single black mother and dating
Anyone who waives their child's/ children rights to child support is not thinking wisely. If you do not need the money then you place in in an IRA for the child/children' future, college, starting a business of their own etc… this would be a nice way to give them a head start. A financial freedom is an amazing gift to give to our children.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
It's their father's money. He supports his children by paying half of all their fees and clothing/feeding them while they are living in his house bi-weekly. HE should be putting money away for them. HE should be putting HIS money towards HIS children as he sees fit. And I should do the same. The courts should NOT determine how much of my money should go to my children (once their expenses are taken care of). I…He…WE make that choice…since WE are raising them.
Seriously…these females aren't putting that money away for their kids in most cases. They are paying bills and living it up at the father's expense. Miss.me.with.that.
You're putting it in an IRA?! Great! Let me see the statements, pls and thanks. <–what I'd demand as the child support giving parent in addition to paying half of the children's expenses and carrying them on my health insurance. Man, my children's father better thank GOD for me EVERY.DAY, lol.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
Oh, they'd cosign it. But its not fair the way men…and Halle…get screwed in these instances. They really need to revisit these laws!!!!
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
When I heard this I laughed because after Eric benet it seemed like Halle sworn off dating black men and marriage. Now she's dealing with 20k more drama having dated a white man who's her baby daddy….oh the irony
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
I dunno Cyn.. but you may be on this LEDGE all by yourself with this right here.
*smhlol*
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
Weeeellll lets reserve our judgement for the Seal and Heidi Klum settlement first, shall we?
Jun 21st, 2012
single black mother and dating
Everyone needs a financial adviser ESPECIALLY single parents! Even Affluent women and men accept child support! this is along the line of why children of wealthy families and celebrities qualifies and accepts scholarships…because it belongs to the child. Its great you have that trust with your ex husband that is in fact preparing for your children's future, most people do not have this trust and the courts are needed.
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
"I must be the Ex of the Century!"
*NodsHead* YUP
lol
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
I have to agree with both of you. I don’t think you should waive your rights to child support only because some men go from, being daddy of the year to, I don’t have it once they find someone new/have more kids. But at the same token before you go to court and get all crazy, if you are dealing with a good man who you know will take care of his children, then you two as adult should be able to work out a situation.
As far as putting money away, most of these women getting a good amount of child support are not saving it for their kids for an IRA, college, bank account etc… Some of these women try to drag their child’s father through the court system as pay back for not wanting to be with them anymore. (Not all women but some).
Jun 21st, 2012
Vicky
Child support is based on salary not skin color!
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
but why do you think that is? Its because women are quick to bounce in sickness and health. Lack of finances, infidelity etc. If women truly felt it was a life long union then the percentage of divorces initiated by women wouldn't be 60-90%
Men don't want to propose because of this but once we make up our minds we're in it for life no matter what dumbsheit we do while in a marriage.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
LOL! I'm sure…
Ain't no gang of women signing away money they could use to shop and vacation, LOL!
Not happening. I'm with the fellas…you/the kids need the money…although I'm paying half their fees and they live with me half the time?! Cool, I'll pay it. But let me see the receipts so that I can be confident that its going to my children ALONE!
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
if you "almost proposed" to a couple of females can you really be ready to settle down? Or are you still playing the field?
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
…which is why women need to do a better job of picking father's for their children.
Speculating a bit, yes, lol…but most of these people accepting child support do NOT share joint custody of their children. And, if they are paying child support, they are not also paying additional fees (tuition, health care, etc.).
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
First I commend you on taking a road less traveled with waiving child support.
I agree that no child costs 20k but if the woman and the 2mil/yr spouse were still together wouldn't you spend money on the best chefs/nannies/clothing? That's what the money is there for? So why should that child "suffer" because the parents cant work it out?
I think the better solution is not monitor what the spouse pays but monitoring how the money is spent. Court order for receipts on where the monies are going. Not nail and hair salons or rims for the new hanger on BF.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
I feel where you're coming from. But, if he falls off, I then have the right and option to go back to court. I won't penalize him now for what he may or may not do in the future. And yes, this is cause he's a great committed father. Def collect child support from deadbeat, loser Dads who don't pay half of anything…Dads you have to chase down to at least buy a pair of tennis shoes for school…weekend/whenever I get a minute Dads.
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
I agree with you but what happens if he decides to get married or remarried and start a new family will that money still be saved/spent equally or will the new woman be in his ear. Sometimes the court is needed
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
Financial freedom at the risk of losing their father's love and attention because of his aversion to a court ordered debt? If the kids had a choice in this matter all would take the love over money.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
Chefs/nannies/etc. are NOT a neccesity though. They were NOT married. He should take his model self back out on the runway to provide the lifestyle for his daughter that he believes she should have. Child Support should be based on what's happening now…and what's happening now is y'all are NOT together. A child is NOT suffering cause Daddy now needs to learn how to cook, LOL. Sorry…
I def agree with your last paragraph though, lol.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
If that happens, you go back to court and deal with it then. You shouldn't assume he'll screw up in the future. A GOOD FATHER will check or refuse to be with a women who doesn't want him to be the best parent and support to his children. Sign #1 that you should NOT be with that woman…
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
" no matter what dumbsheit we do while in a marriage. "
Yes and no, listen I don’t mind riding out with you through certain things, sickness (yes), lack of finances (as long as you’re working towards correcting them) yes, infidelity (nope) that’s my deal breaker. Also how many men our honoring their wives now a days, how many men are in it for the long run when the shoe is on the other foot and the woman is doing the dumbshiet while in the married.
Jun 21st, 2012
NurseJilly
You know he wouldn't get 20 grand if he was black how???
Child support is based on salary not race. People all over the country black and white are geting "screwed".
Your whole comment is the reason marriage in this day and age is so f'd. So people should be thinking of alimony payments and whos gonna screw who in the divorce before the wedding?
Jun 21st, 2012
single black mother and dating
Why is he avoiding a court order? the court cannot demand he pays more than what he make!!!
Jun 21st, 2012
NurseJilly
Well said!
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
Girl you and your ex are like a fairy tale lol
But like you said it really comes down to choosing a good father for your child. If he's a deadbeat then go to the courts and get what your child needs. But if he is a good father and has no fuss about taking care of his child, then I'm sure as two adults you can work out an agreement that suits you, him and the child. Also the woman’s attitude has a lot to do with child support, some women can’t get over the fact that the man no longer wants them, or that they can no longer live in the “lifestyle” that, the man once provided for them.
Jun 21st, 2012
NurseJilly
Thank you!!
In the marriage vows it says through sickness and health, for richer for poorer. NOWHERE does it say through fidelity and infidelity… Deal breaker is right!!
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
LOL! Even the judge gave us props on how we handled everything fairly. She said she wished all situations worked out like that. He wasn't a good man for me…I screwed up on that. But, he got this Daddy thing on lock!!!!
"…some women can’t get over the fact that the man no longer wants them, or that they can no longer live in the “lifestyle” that, the man once provided for them." SMilez, Imma need you to change that "some" to "most", lol. If a married couple hits a financial rough patch and has to downgrade life, does the govn't provide assistance to help them maintain the luxury they once knew so the kids won't "suffer"? No? Right, lol. The family just has to adjust to what they can now afford. That's exactly what should be happening elsewhere. The kids will get the perks when they are on the wealthy parents time…
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
lol tried to pull a fast one, you ladies are smart lol
Jun 21st, 2012
kash
They need to eliminate child support and force parents to be in their children's life. Parents should have to live as close as possible, by law. As well, it should be manditory for children to spend equal amount of time with both parents. Nobody pays child support. They should both work and split the cost of the child. There are many reasons this is a good idea. The one that relates to the topic at hand is that, if these restrictions are enforced, the child benefits and people will become more concerned with the kind of people they sleep with.
We are a society that tries to avoid consequences. This is a problem because consequences keeps society in check. Right now we are getting looser and looser. Which leads me to my next point.
By my standards the amount of women that are "wifey material" is at a all time low. As Chappelle says "THE STOCKS OF PUSSY PLUMMETING"… rapidly.
Jun 21st, 2012
NurseJilly
I agree with what you are doing. If both parents are on the same page then I think thats fantastic. The courts should only be involved if there is one party thats not pulling thier weight.
Think of the great message you are sending to your children. Mommy and daddy aren't together but can work together peacfully and raise them.
Good for you!!
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
I agree with you and Chappell lol I wish I could yell out to women across the world that there’s no such thing as wifey material, what the heck is a wifey. Maybe you can be "wife material". You are either a wife or girlfriend. Don’t let these dudes trick you into acting like a wife with no ring and no husband level commitment.
(The other half of your comment)In a perfect world that might work, but people would still mess up and sleep with the wrong man/woman. The child would miss out and not have any type of financial support from one of the parents. Plus with this economy, one parent moving to make more money could be positive. Example if the mother and father both live in NY but the mom gets a great job offer in DC, I think it’s worth the move, the father can come visit or keep the kids during the summer and school breaks or vice versa.
Jun 21st, 2012
Adrian
SO much TRUTH here, this article is so damn quotable. I'm about to get my Dave Hester on!
"…although if HE had to pay HER 20K, none of them would say a DAMN thing.."
YUUUP!
" …I have NO faith in our society’s understanding that marriage is NOT just about a wedding, exchanging rings and a “legitimate” reason to have kids, but it’s actually an eternal commitment to one another that is suppose to transcend time."
YUUUPPP!!!
"These men do NOT hate the idea of being married – they HATE the fact that so many women approach marriage as the final step of dating, instead of the first step of their now conjoined lives."
<Deep Breath>YYYUUUUUPPPP!!!!
How is it that of everything I’ve read on this subject, you’re the ONLY one that’s talking sense?!
Smh. WTF is happening with the world we live in? Smh
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
If Halle and him have joint custody, we KNOW Halle is pulling her weight on her end. HE should be FORCED back into pimping himself in the modeling world! She should NOT have to pay him so he can afford to do cool stuff for his child. Really?! If he can't afford to raise her, Halle should have Full Custody…he should get visitation…and he should have to give Halle what he can reasonally contribute until his career picks up again. That's fair.
I just can't with this situation, LMBO! Grinds.My.Gears.
Jun 21st, 2012
MistaHarsh
re-read I wrote AVERSION. Some people don't like being told what their child needs or how to live their life in general. A court ordered child support can strain relations more than what's already strained.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
My bad for using your post as a soapbox, Linc (can I call you Linc?), LOL! Let me say something regarding the topic…
"…the truth is, there are MANY men out there who are completely for it, but are just simply losing faith that marriage is still a respected, reverent and relevant institution in the minds of OTHERS." <— AGREED! However, there is nothing wrong with only fathering children with men that can pull their weight to support them in a manner that you both deem appropriate. And not after you break up but during the relationship!!!! You shouldn't make a life-long anything with folks who can't/won't/don't pull their weight. Why not weigh that as you're picking a husband? Living life is not free, lol. Ain't no women happy with a man she's supporting. That's why J.Lo makes Casper earn his perks, lol. I want a life-long commitment to my partner…my bff. But, TRUST, we ain't seeing eye-to-eye to partner doing ANYTHING if you can't be a strong financial contributor in this relationship!!! Hmph! LOL.
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
I think infidelity falls under "for better or for WORSE", lol. j/k…but really.
I think infidelity is something that a couple can come back from if both sides are able to let things go and put in some next-level work. Its not for the faint of heart. Very few can jump that hurdle. No judgement to those who can't…such as myself, LOL (maybe I can but I chose not to for other reasons).
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Preach!!!!
*throws $10bill in collection plate*
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
Great post and it came at a great moment too! I'm getting married this summer and me and my man have been together for over 5 YEARS…
The reason I bring that up is because my friends use to tell me that he's taking too long to propose and I had to let them know that no matter how many years it takes, we wanted to make sure that when we walk down the aisle it's forever, not just a season…We now know that we are meant to be together forever and we are fully in love….Your true love is out there but don't think there's anything wrong with knowing every inch about that person inside and out so you make sure you both know what you're getting into
Jun 21st, 2012
SMilez_920
lol for better or for worst should be like a get out of jail free card lol (to a certain extent) for example if a woman gets married then gains 50pounds she can pull the hey "for better or for worst" (as longs as she's willing to fix it).
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
It's not a race issue, but it's definitely a fame issue…Halle Berry's very public financial success being in Forbes and other magazines like that is working against her in this case
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
CAUGHT! LMAO!!
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
This is so unfortunately true of so many peoples way of thinking..
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
It's actually kind of sad though too…
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
Aren't child support laws different based on what state you're in? I don't think they are the same here in NYC as they are in Cali or Georgia..
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
You're better than me! LOL
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
Who's Casper???? I'm so out of the loop LOL
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
"…for better or for worst should be like a get out of jail free card lol"
you ain't even lyin, LMBO. alladis…
Jun 21st, 2012
cynicaloptmst81
Jennifer Lopez's new young boo, girl.
Google him. Pray for her. lol
Jun 21st, 2012
Crystals_Back
Just did…LMAO!!
These women have no shame about being cougars anymore huh??? Makes me soooo proud of them! LOL
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
There's some truth to this doe…
That professional white man image with the right lawyers can make him look like a model citizen lol…plus Halle was actin' a little ratchet too
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
Skin color plays a big part of everything doe….his total image got that money
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
But if you talk to some of these men out here, we losing worse than the Thunder in these streets..
After a bullshit divorce it ain't out the norm for ol' boy to lose half his savings and 401k, plus have to pay child and spousal support….forget it being cheaper to keep her, now it's cheaper to just cut, be friends and live alone
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
But you can agree men get the raw end of the stick in the divorce doe?
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
I think some of these divorced folk are messing it up around hurr too…
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
Smart move to waive the child support…makes yawl have to act like grown ups and not just bicker all the damn time
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
Real talk doe!
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
Men seeing it as a sacrifice because we getting slaughtered out here lol
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
You need to tour the U.S. giving lectures to some of these misguided baby mamas!
Jun 21st, 2012
ATLienSince82
Real talk here!
Jun 21st, 2012
Dyquen
Playing the field now but keeping an open mind after the previous disappointments. Almost proposed meaning I got the ring, planned out the proposal scene, and then they always somehow show their real intention behind everything they did, or start saying things contrary to what they said when things got more serious that just dating.
Jun 21st, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Congrats Crystal….
*throws e-rice -n- confetti*
Jun 22nd, 2012
Vicky
Congratulations Crystal!!!!
Jun 22nd, 2012
Vicky
How are things supposed to change if people in our generation keep thinking this way?
Jun 22nd, 2012
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