A loving embrace indicative of when lust is no longer enough to satisfy the mind, body and soul
This past Sunday [June 24th] I was blessed with the opportunity to speak at Goddess Intellect’s “Battle Of The Sexes” event again [and ALL y'all who missed it, TRULY missed out on a great night] and at the start of the night I was locked in a very interesting conversation regarding condom usage. I stated that if I had been seriously dating a woman for a month and just before the first time we were about to hook up, she pulled reached in a 12-pack condom box and pulled out the last 5 left, with a receipt next to it stating that the box was bought 15 days ago, I would have QUESTIONS for her. I never stated I would be upset or angry or disappointed, but we would need to DISCUSS a few things. That statement RILED up the women there and I even got locked in a HEATED debate with this one chick during the first intermission because of it. She didn’t understand why I would have ANY questions for the woman in that scenario and essentially attempted to label me an old-school misogynist, but looking back on that entire condom discussion at the event, I NEVER really explained myself properly – so I will do that NOW.
I am NOT looking for a GIRLFRIEND – I’m searching for a WIFE. I remember YEARS ago, I had an older woman tell me she wasn’t interested in dating me because she was NOT looking for a BOYFRIEND, she’s looking for a HUSBAND – which I thought was the stupidest comment I’ve ever heard. I said “How in the hell do you think you are gonna find a husband without being boyfriend and girlfriend first? Why don’t you just get a damn arranged marriage!” And she calmly looked at me and replied “You just don’t get it – but don’t worry love, you will understand when you are older.” And being young and “all-knowing” I felt she was talking a load of SH*T – but now that I AM older, I realize she was 100% correct. I didn’t get it AT ALL, but now that I do, I’m completely on her wavelength.
If there’s one thing that I, and many other men out there, have perfected it’s how to be single and navigate through “The Game.” See when you are single and not completely serious, you go out and date, you have fun and you may even find yourself someone you can stand enough to make an exclusive commitment too and start going out. Being less than 100% serious lends itself to you choosing to date someone who isn’t exactly what you want, or what you’re looking for or what you would even consider long-term potential, but you’re willing to “try a ting” and see how it all works out. That USE to be me.
I’m FAR removed from that guy. That guy didn’t care about long term potential and building a life with you, because I wasn’t seriously pursuing a partner to join him on this journey through life. That guy didn’t care where you were or where you were headed because we just lived day-to-day and took things as they came. That guy especially didn’t give a DAMN if the woman he was seeing was sleeping with Tom, Dick & Harry, because I strapped the condom on tight and could just as easily lay-up under any Tomika, Diva & Helen if I wanted to too. That guy WASN’T serious.
But NOW, I don’t just want a girlfriend that I accept KNOWING there’s no REAL long term potential, because I WANT to build a life with you. And YES, I DO care about who’s tapping your nani NOW, because if your p*ssy is still being flung around the community, you are simply NOT the woman I want to date SERIOUSLY. Understand, I am NOT saying you’re a bad person or you’re NOT wife material, but what I am saying is that if I’m dating a woman for a month, I want us to be focused romantically on EACH OTHER and that’s IT. And before you cry about double-standards, understand that I will NOT be flinging any part of my balls or richard around ANY other women while we are dating. Once we start dating, I’m ALL IN, so how can you be mad at me when I see that you’re still making side bets?
Simply put, I will NEVER ask her where her nani has been in past, because that’s NONE of my business [and vice versa], but I DO expect to know where her nani is going TODAY as well as it’s VERY recent history [as in the timeframe we started dating]. So if I was dating a woman, and we got physical and she produced a condom out of a fresh box, I would WONDER if I’m the only man she’s seeing, yet HOPE that she just bought that condom recently because SHE wanted to get it in with ME and got them for US alone [unknowingly dating an engaged woman for 3 months can do that to a man]. The reality is, I would NEVER find myself in a situation like that because I would clarify MY expectations on exclusive dating with her as SOON as we began to talk.
Now I’m NOT saying a man isn’t serious about life or dating unless he wants to get married because that’s simply NOT true. All I’m saying is that you can CRITICIZE my expectations in what I want out of a relationship all day, and you definitely DON’T have to adhere to ANY of them – but all that proves to me, is that you are simply NOT the right woman for ME to get serious with.
This Is Your Conscience
Becoming a couple is ONE thing – maintaining a successful relationship is another. This is definitely a great read for anyone looking for ways to cultivate a happy relationship.
43 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think It's An EXCESSIVE Request For A Man Or Woman To Expect The Person They Are DATING To Be Exclusively Seeing Them BEFORE The Relationship Is Official Sealed With A Title?
Or Do You Think It's No One Else's Business To Know if You're Smashing Someone Else WHILE Dating Them?
Jun 27th, 2012
@DoWuSem
Co-signed!
Jun 27th, 2012
petersburgh
I'll co-sign as well. I keep telling my friends regardless of whatever kind of relationship we have, as long as we begin or are planning to begin to be physical, you should let me know if someone else is smashing. I don't necessarily need to know who but I need to know if it is happening and vice versa.
Jun 27th, 2012
mena
Nothing else needs to be said.
Jun 27th, 2012
Celina
*standing ovation*
Jun 27th, 2012
SDot
Wow…I think a tear fell on this one. I seriously felt every word written #crazy! As a woman this is where I am right now but it seems looking for a wife is an age old concept. I get laughed at for telling people I'm looking for a husband. Celibate for nearly 2 years and now I'm being called gay. I attribute it to maturity and I'm seeing that alot of young men and women lack this…so I wait patiently for my turn. Reading this just gave me more reason to keep doing what I'm doing because this proves real men still exist. Thank you for that good sir.
Jun 27th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
No. It's not an excessive request at all. I mean afterall people can only respond with two responses…. Yes. Or No and depending on the response, if it's not what your looking for then you need to make the necessary changes and/or adjustments.
Jun 27th, 2012
Smilez_920
Nope I think the request is perfectly fine to make especially if you guys are working on turning your situation in a serious relationship. I wish people would be more open and upfront with their expectations before they make that move to sleep with someone, instead of just assuming what the person could/couldn’t be doing. With guy I am dating now, we are working on taking the next step. We are exclusive but not quite official, but the first questions I asked were, are you jut dating me or are you playing the field, what do you want out of our situation, are you having sex with anyone else, when was the last time you got tested. (Side note: if the person you are dealing with makes a fuss about this request then, they might not be looking to be as serious as you think.)
Jun 27th, 2012
mena
I think the problem is people feel like they are being interviewed. This is what i hear and see on other blogs. Well, you know what? If you want me to be exclusive, you need to answer some questions before that happens.
Jun 27th, 2012
mena
Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think It's An EXCESSIVE Request For A Man Or Woman To Expect The Person They Are DATING To Be Exclusively Seeing Them BEFORE The Relationship Is Official Sealed With A Title?
Excessive? Maybe even though i agreed with what you wrote. I think before you have sex with someone, the conversation should be had and there should be an understanding of what you both are looking for. You can't expect for someone to ONLY date you but you should expect for someone to ONLY be in a relationship with you. Also during the dating period, you should be able to ask any question that will make you feel comfortable with progressing the relationship forward and the person has every right to not answer or answer your questions depending on their comfort level.
Then again, i'm just a really blunt person who will tell you exactly how I feel so this may not be for everyone.
Jun 27th, 2012
J. A. Johnson
Thank you for this. I was questioning myself a short while back. During my younger days, I met a girl that I wanted as a gf. She informed me that she was still catching it from her ex. I was ok with it since he was there before me and we were just talking/dating. Looking back, I called myself an idiot. Would I do that now as I look for something real? Hell no. If she wants that, she can go somewhere else!
Jun 27th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
Yup..
Ask and Ye may receive, but you won't know until you do.
)
Jun 27th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
HOnestly, it's kind of sad how the word "Dating" today in this era has so many different interpretations — meaning that back in the day when you said you were dating someone it was automatically assumed and understood that you two were exclusive, but today.. NOT SO MUCH now you need to define what dating means to "YOU" as an individual while hoping that person is on the same page with their interpretation of "Dating".
When I hear someone is dating the 1st thing that pops in my head is oh okay so they seeing each other but they may not be exclusive, so I can see where the need to REQUEST exclusivity from someone your dating is necessary if that's what you want, because otherwise, it's possibly still open season.
Jun 27th, 2012
educated female
Co- sign n seal
Jun 27th, 2012
Desi
I think this is beautiful! Clarity is the first step to getting what you want.
Jun 27th, 2012
Crystals_Back
People call you gay because you're not giving sex up all over town??? WOW!
Jun 27th, 2012
Crystals_Back
So here's the question that my single girls want to know…where are all the serious men??!
Jun 27th, 2012
Kizzy
Great question…it seems like all the serious men are already in relationships SMH
Jun 27th, 2012
Kizzy
A lot of friends I have don't expect a man to be faithful until months after they already decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend! Is that how monogamy works in 2012??
Jun 27th, 2012
Kizzy
I wish more men treated themselves with self respect!
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
I've been wondering that for a while now and it seems you just have to be selective and hope you magically run into one or two these days.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
I think after a certain amount of dating, it's not unfair to ask that they only see you, even if you are not official.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Gorgeous picture!
Jun 27th, 2012
ChloeRayne516
"Is that how monogamy works in 2012??"
Basically….
Dating =/= Monogamy/Exclusivity anymore until the discussion has be had by both parties.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Exactly how I feel as well.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Those are great questions. I'm a little shy about being so upfront. How was he with answering them?
Jun 27th, 2012
mena
Then to me we are either official or you are being selfish. If you ask that I only date you then my next question will be "do you want a relationship with me?". If your answer is I don't know or I am just seeing how this goes, then I am free to see other people. Sleeping with others while you are dating and just simply dating others is two different things in my book.
Jun 27th, 2012
mena
Yep. You almost need to have a contract with clear definitions so that both parties are on the same page. Now, obviously I am joking but both need to come to the table with their expectations clearly defined and laid out.
Jun 27th, 2012
J. A. Johnson
My thought process was….I just met this girl…I can't tell her what to do even though I want to be with her. It's like friends….can't tell someone to lose the friends they had before you. But that was my excuse back then. I was an idiot, too nice a guy, and being used anyways.
Jun 27th, 2012
Paul B.
We're around, but we aren't walking around with signs saying "We want wives". We're observing.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
I understand. I think it's important to ask for a title once it's truly deserved, but I feel like a lot of people live in an anything or nothing world, and that's not conducive to getting to know someone before making an honest commitment to them.
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
No offense Paul but there are a lot of men "claiming" to be serious but their actions just don't match up.
Jun 27th, 2012
Smilez_920
He was fine with it. He said he understood where I was coming from, and was actually kind of surprise I put it out there. He wasn't scared or nervous and he didn't try to change the subject lol
Jun 27th, 2012
Adonis
Like
Jun 27th, 2012
Adonis
I am with Lincoln on this one… Except that the men that women slept with in the past DO matter, and if you are going to be intimate with this woman for the rest of your life… You should at least know her history & be cool with it… Full discloure… Part of being intimate…
Jun 27th, 2012
HerCommonSense
Is she allowed to know all of your past partners as well?
Jun 27th, 2012
cyncyn19
This post was exactly how i felt when i became a single mother looking for a husband to help complete my family. i didnt date because i wanted a husband. so dating just to be dating is out of the question.
Jun 28th, 2012
J. A. Johnson
Well….as most would say…..they're probably where you left them….in the friend zone…
Jun 28th, 2012
Celina
Aw thanks!
Jun 28th, 2012
Adonis
Of course…
Jun 28th, 2012
Kim
I think this all boils down to people being HONEST and UPFRONT!! Say what you want/need and if the other person can't live up to that then it's time to go. If a man just wants to have fun this season and a woman just wants to have fun this season then go ahead and have fun together just don't get mad when you want more and the other person is saying that's not what I signed up for
Jun 28th, 2012
Cindy
So now serious ladies have to sit around and wait for a serious guy to approach them. This is where i currently find myself and its not easy. It can really get frustrating. I am a beautiful, educated, well travelled, loving, well mannered, self suffisient, family loving, christian lady. I have to now wait till by some stroke of luck i run into a SINGLE, serious man that will compliment me. Oh Gosh *sigh*. Thats the reality but im HOPEFUL.
Jul 1st, 2012
Kelly Glover
I think I love you
Aug 19th, 2012
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