“If You Want A Successful Relationship AVOID Children From Single Parent Homes”

Vey recently I have witnessed many friends, family members, ex co-workers and even a few exes get engaged and married [spring and summer tend to be the season of love and matrimony for most]. But at the same time, I have also witnessed MANY friends, family members ex co-workers and an ex or two get divorced, break off an engagement or end long relationships with their significant others. I have heard MANY reasons why relationships break down, from financial issues all the way to cheating – but arguably the WORST reason I’ve heard is “my ex came from a broken home and just didn’t know how to function in a happy relationship.” The only thing worse than the fact that I’ve heard someone actually say this – is the fact that I’ve heard it MORE than ONCE by MANY different people.

Whether you are aware of this or not, there are many men and women out there who are [clandestinely] avoiding being in a serious, long-term relationship with ANYONE who grew up in a single parent home. In their minds, children from single parent homes never really received an adequate first-hand insight into how a “PROPER” home should run, and how a FUNCTIONAL relationship is suppose to work. Also, depending on the severity of their parents problems, they may have subconsciously adopted a DEFEATIST attitude towards relationships which causes them to act inappropriately whenever problems arise, whether it’s running from the issues, cheating or being verbally or physically abusive. And these peoples rant usually ends somewhere around “plus, who wants to date someone who’s still OVERLY attached to their parents?”

Well let me be the first to say that the ideology that children from single parent homes are not marriage material is absolute BULLSH*T. The problem is YOU dated someone who wasn’t worth a DAMN – and that person STILL wouldn’t have been worth a DAMN even if both parents were in their life.

My ideology on children who witness trauma or experience difficult living situations is this: You either become that problem or build yourself up to wholeheartedly reject it. There are many children who lived primarily with one parent, while having a strained or NON-EXISTENT relationship with the other, who grew up to be DOUCHEBAGS who repeated the mistakes of their mother or father and ended up putting their OWN kids through hell. But by the very same token, there are also MANY children who witnessed dysfunctional between their parents [or never got to meet one parent], and used their OWN pain as the motivation for being an absolutely AMAZING parent to their kid. As well as being an amazing mother/father to their children and a committed member of the family household [like Will Smith for a celebrity example].

Whether a child grows up feeling neglected by a parent, abused by a parent, or even watching a parent be abused, it creates a painful memory in that child’s mind that defines how they think and act for the rest of their lives. There’s no “being neutral” about it, as it has intrinsically affected them right down to their very core. BUT, if you believe that the ONLY possible repercussion of growing up in difficult circumstances is that you undoubtedly BECOME exactly the thing that hurt you, I would advise you return your dimestore-psychology degree to the bottom of the cereal box you found it in.

All over the world, there are courageous, intelligent and loving people who are products of single parent homes, who could treat you better than anyone else and provide you with the household of your dreams – but you will CONTINUE to miss them if you allow yourself to be blinded by your own ignorance.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

64 Comments

  1. Laura

    07/11/2012 at 3:53 AM

    Coming from a single parent home:

    Preach.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/11/2012 at 4:09 AM

      Thanks For Reading Laura

  2. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/11/2012 at 3:54 AM

    Ladies And Gentlemen, Do You Believe There's Any Merit To The Ideology That Dating Someone From A "Broken" Home Will Be Less Successful Than Dating Someone From A Two-Parent Household?

    • J. A. Johnson

      07/11/2012 at 5:33 AM

      I agree with you on this one…but I (like many) can see what your friends were saying. Growing up with only a father/mother or having a bad relationship with a parent who was barely there, has a great affect on a person (even if they claim it doesn't).

      On One Side: Someone from a single parent home can take the bull by the horns and decide to do the opposite of what happened to them. They can take their childhood as the single cause for them to never let that happen to their future kids and work hard to be the person they think would help lead to that better life.

      On The Other Side: Someone from a single parent home can have the experience define them in a negative way. All guys have sooner or later been with a girl that didn't have a father/male figure in her life (I bet women have experience with guys from single parent homes, but I'm a guy, so I don't know much about dealing with those guys, so I'll speak on females). One thing that is consistent (but not apparent in all of them), is the female having a hatred for guys, craving male attention, or the need to be loved by a guy (then comes a number of possible negative behavior). I know tons of guys with a daughter, and their past with girls from single mother homes lead them to work even harder to make sure their daughter don't end up like that.

      End of the day, I don't judge people raised in single parent homes at all. But at the same time, we would all be liars if we said we didn't consider the way a possible husband/wife was raised when we are thinking about taking the big step with them.

      • mena

        07/11/2012 at 10:11 AM

        Considering the way they were raised and making preconceived leaps are two different things. With the first, it seems you are willing to at least date someone who is from a single parent home with the latter you are completely removing them from the dating pool before you ever get to meet them.

        I will just never understand, how in our society where so many people are being raised in single parent homes (especially in the black community) that people can say that they WILL NOT date someone from a single parent home. As if the person being in a single parent home is their fault. It's not a disease that you can't recover from, it's a situation that happened that you were placed in due to circumstances beyond the kids control.

        • Kizzy

          07/11/2012 at 12:45 PM

          I don't want to date a man who grew up without a father….those are the men who are lacking in the proper skills to raise a young man themselves…

          There are videos on the net of little boys tweaking their asses on camera and the reason that exists is because a good father was not there to teach them how to be a real man..

          Do you think this boy grew up with his father in his life? http://youtu.be/WzQCq70qsGg

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 12:56 PM

            This is the most narrowed view i have ever heard. Do you believe that kids who grow up without fathers don't have positive male role models in their lives? Not having a father doesn't negate us from not having positive men around.

            Sweetie, open up your eyes and brain for a second.

          • Kizzy

            07/11/2012 at 4:37 PM

            When I talk to men who grew up without fathers the first thing they state is their mother was both of their parents…how is that good for a man to be a man when his mother is the closet thing he has to a male role model?

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 5:05 PM

            Kizzy…*sigh* What i stated was that just b/c you grow up in a single parent home doesn't mean that you don't have positive male role models in your life that can come in the form of an uncle, teacher, principle, coach, etc. They are out there.

            You are equating growing up in a single parent household as being raised completely reckless and growing up in a two parent household as being filled with leprechauns and daises.

            You can't possibly believe this is the way things are for EVERY situation?

          • Vicky

            07/11/2012 at 1:03 PM

            I do not agree with that statement at all! My husband grew up without a father and he has every great skill in raising a child or just be a great man in general

          • MistaHarsh

            07/11/2012 at 2:00 PM

            for the record twerking on camera is not an indication of an absent father figure but more so a reflection of the parent who IS involved in this child's life.

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 2:13 PM

            It's a shame that people can't tell the difference.

          • NurseJilly

            07/11/2012 at 3:18 PM

            Tell her again…

          • Kizzy

            07/11/2012 at 4:39 PM

            I said he was absent a good father so please don't rework my words!

    • petersburgh

      07/11/2012 at 6:36 AM

      As a previous comment said, when I began reading I was saying this is the first post I read here that I totally disagree with but as I continued I realised differently. I think people generalise too much and that's what causes things like these to be assumed. It's like saying a boy who was abused as a child WILL be gay or a girl who was raped WILL never find love because she will hate all men. Are you people serious? The truth is it can go either way so it's not written in stone.

      • Kizzy

        07/11/2012 at 12:45 PM

        So how do you expect a boy to learn to be a man without a father?? SMH

        • petersburgh

          07/11/2012 at 5:44 PM

          Well Kizzy, I'm a Bajan and when we are growing up, the whole neighbourhood raised us regardless of if your father was present or not. What you must realise is that while your father is the ultimate person to teach you how to be a man, he's not the only man that can teach you. I grew up around adults. Cousins, uncles and their friends and I learnt from them. I learnt from the guys I played football with about not doing drugs and sharing responsibility etc so you can learn from anyone. I think it has more to do with the path you choose after you realise you have an absentee father or mother etc

  3. @DoWuSem

    07/11/2012 at 4:26 AM

    Preach!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/11/2012 at 4:30 AM

      Trying To Let Them Know

  4. @IamSomethngElse

    07/11/2012 at 6:15 AM

    You almost pissed me off in the beginning…good thing I continued reading. My mom raised me as a single parent and there's not a thing wrong w/ me. I forgave my father, moved on and now I have stepdad who is thee absolute best example of a real man for me and my children. I may have my issues (who doesn't ) but that doesn't mean I'm not dateable. Great post…always shedding light on the truth.

  5. mena

    07/11/2012 at 8:12 AM

    Sidenote In relation to this piece, I read another blog that stated that they would never date a woman who didn't know her father. I was actually dumbfounded that someone would cast out a large segment of the population bc of this and in turn, cast me away for something that i had absolutely no control over.

    I will say this, coming from a single parent home isn't easy and you grow up really fast. You aren't living in fairy tale land either. My friends (and myself included) who are from single parent homes are well rounded, successful, independent and happy. We realized from an early age that things don't always go your way. But through the nuturing (and sometimes harsh reality) of our mothers understood that everything isn't supposed to go your way in life. For my friends that come from two parent homes, even though they too are successful and happy, they do seem to be more dependent on their parents at a later age and when things take a turn for the worst, are the least likely to handle it the best. Little things to me are huge things to them. To each their own though. They're amazing people in both segments of the population and some that you should avoid in both segments.

    Great piece. I think that a lot more people hold this view as well.

    • Adonis

      07/11/2012 at 12:34 PM

      Again, women who grow up without their fathers or had weak fathers, are very dysfunctional creatures most of the time…

      This is where most of your strippers / wh*res come from

      • mena

        07/11/2012 at 12:39 PM

        I think you should look at the women that you attract.

        If this is your view on women who don't know their fathers, then so be it. Don't date a woman who doesn't know her dad.

        • Adonis

          07/11/2012 at 1:13 PM

          Stop being so butthurt… If you are the exception, you are exceptional, and the men that you come across will notice & do whatever it takes to lock you down…

          But stop acting like my view doesn't have alot of merit…

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 1:29 PM

            I'm not being butt hurt. I am simply stating "don't date us." Don't read so much into my comment. Again, if you are attracting garbage and continue to attract garbage, you do need to look within. Nothing harsh about that statement at all.

          • Kizzy

            07/11/2012 at 4:41 PM

            So why are you arguing with him? It seems as if you are one of those people who believe women don't need positive role models in their lives to avoid the trappings of evil living..

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 4:57 PM

            "trappings of evil living.." *side-eye* What are trappings of evil living?

            You must be special.

            Where did i argue with him when he made a comment after something I said? I even told him to simply not date women who don't know their fathers.

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 1:32 PM

            You're view has merit for you but not for me. It is what it is. You won't change my opinion and i wont change yours.

      • Kizzy

        07/11/2012 at 12:47 PM

        So true!

        Why criticize this man when we as a community stress that strippers and hookers lacked fatherly guidance? So hypocritical

  6. Tonia

    07/11/2012 at 8:13 AM

    I'm glad my hubby didn't think this about me when we met! Lol! His parents have been married 51 years while I grew up in a single parent hm. I have to admit I had to work out some marital issues early on that I MAY not have had to work out if I lived with 2 functioning parents. However, in the end everything worked out because we both wanted it to. Great post!

  7. Vicky

    07/11/2012 at 8:29 AM

    I grew up in a two parent home, doesn't mean I'm any less of a nut!!!!

    Preach on Lincoln!

    • mena

      07/11/2012 at 10:13 AM

      Exactly. B/c two parent homes are absolutely perfect. Messed up kids don't come from those types of homes. :-)

      • Vicky

        07/11/2012 at 11:54 AM

        I think at the end of the day, any grown person will either follow their parents lead or better themselves in various ways to succeed but ultimately it is up to them. I'm content with my life and how I turned out

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/11/2012 at 11:56 AM

      This Is The Best Comment In This Thread And I Predict It's Gonna Be Criminally Slept On…

      Anyone Who Wants To Cast Aspersions On Children From Broken Homes Are Inherently Giving Children From Two-Parent Homes An Advantage In Love And Romance That Simply Doesn't Exist. If You Think People From Two-Parent Households Will INHERENTLY Make Better Husbands Or Wives You're FULL Of Shit.

      • Vicky

        07/11/2012 at 12:04 PM

        Agreed! My hubby came from a single parent home and he had his ish together better than I did when we met.

      • iluvwhoiluv

        07/16/2012 at 10:25 AM

        Preach!

    • Kizzy

      07/11/2012 at 12:47 PM

      The point is, you would have been worst off if you didn't have a positive man in your life..how can you argue that??

      • Vicky

        07/11/2012 at 1:04 PM

        Simple, you simply do not know my child hood nor do I feel like airing out my laundry on a blog.

    • Adonis

      07/11/2012 at 1:15 PM

      Again Vicky, you are the EXCEPTION… It is what it is…

  8. NurseJilly

    07/11/2012 at 12:22 PM

    Agree 100%

    I went through some serious sh*# as a kid and have gone the complete opposite direction of all that abuse and negativity. I love this quote, its a reminder of who is ultimately responsible for the people we become in life. I don't care where or what you come from the way you live is 100% your choice.

    "If your parents left you out in the rain as a child shame on them. If your still standing in the rain as an adult then shame on you."

    • mena

      07/11/2012 at 1:03 PM

      Thank you. Adonis and Kizzy are making it seem like coming from a 2 parent home = the perfect kid. How many kids get sent to foster care from 2 parent and single parent homes? Raising a child is about having the right people around and the right set of influences. Saying that someone who comes from a 1 parent home is destined for failure is just absurd.

      • Vicky

        07/11/2012 at 1:36 PM

        agreed!

      • Kizzy

        07/11/2012 at 4:43 PM

        I never said anything of the sort.

        I stated that I prefer men I date to come from a secure and happy two parent home because the child would be more suited for a successful and happy relationship?? Why would you have a problem with that???

        • Giggles

          07/11/2012 at 4:57 PM

          Because the parents are married/togetether doesn't mean that they are in a happy/loving home. There are several familes out there that are together but unhappy and miserable. Open your mind a little

          • mena

            07/11/2012 at 5:07 PM

            I think you mean "open your mind a lot." Kizzy, how old are you?

          • ddddd

            07/22/2012 at 6:09 PM

            she said she wants a man from a family like that. specifically. so why counter with the fact that there are some that aren't. clearly she wouldn't be looking for a man from an unhappy 2 parent family…. ???

  9. Adonis

    07/11/2012 at 12:32 PM

    If I have to be the voice of dissent… Fantastic…

    There are exceptions to the rule, but the exception PROVE the rule…

    I believe that if a person grew up without their dad are relationship disasters most of the time

    Dealing with a woman growing up without a father & dealing with a woman who had one is like DAY & NIGHT… This is coming from experience & cross-referencing…

    Also, take into account when talking about black men & women who grow up without a father also tend to grow up around or a bit above the poverty line…

    I'll leave it at that… But to say that this philosophy that people use to screen out marriage material partners is "absolute BULLSH*T" sounds like either a lack of research or you drank the exceptional men & women from single parent homes who had long lasting marriages…

    It Happens

    • mena

      07/11/2012 at 12:45 PM

      Again, if you are attracting women, who don't have fathers and who aren't about anything and this continues to be the case, then you need to look within.

      You can use any reason why not to date someone and i can feel that your reasoning is complete BS. So be it.

    • Kizzy

      07/11/2012 at 12:48 PM

      THIS!

  10. Kizzy

    07/11/2012 at 12:41 PM

    Men who grew up without their fathers tend to be weak in a lot of areas…how can you be a real man when you never learned from a real man? As a woman I can't teach a man how to be a man…

    • mena

      07/11/2012 at 12:53 PM

      The bottom line, if your view on kids growing up without their dads is a disease, then don't date us. If you feel that we are so ruined that we don't deserve love and understanding the way kids do that come from a two parent home, then stick with the two parent home kids. But DO NOT complain when you cannot find a good man or woman b/c your view is so narrow.

      I really didn't realize that people held such harsh views of the children of single parent families. As if we are some type of pariah that shouldn't be touched, dated, or loved.

      • Adonis

        07/11/2012 at 1:18 PM

        For the record, I find good women on a weekly basis in NYC… But men see the same things I see, and lock them down knowing how scarce of a resource good women are…

        It is what it is…

        Also, you are not a pariah in the black community, you can date men who have not had two parents also… But if you are a great catch, you should have no problem getting a man to lock you down…

      • Kizzy

        07/11/2012 at 4:45 PM

        I don't date men without their parents and I will continue to avoid them! No one says you shouldn't love, but how about working through your mental problems with each other? Not those of us who are mentally and emotionally functional!

        • mena

          07/11/2012 at 5:00 PM

          So you automatically assume that a person who is from a single parent home has mental problems and a person from a 2 parent home does not? Please give me a logical reason behind this and then when you are finished, since you obviously didn't read Lincoln's post, go back up to the top and read.

          Wow. Weren't you the same one that got on everybody with the whole Chris Bosh thing?

          • Vicky

            07/12/2012 at 11:23 AM

            Mental problems are solely those who were raised in a single parent home. Isn't that perfect logic??

            SMH

    • Vicky

      07/11/2012 at 1:05 PM

      So give the example of Will Smith in the post, essentially you are saying he is NOT a man and is weak? I'm sure Jada would strongly disagree with your statement

      • Kizzy

        07/11/2012 at 4:46 PM

        Will is on the downlow and he is nothing but Jada's sperm bank and financial caregiver

        • Giggles

          07/11/2012 at 5:02 PM

          Riiiiiiiiiiight!!! *sarcasm*

          Given ur previous comment that I replied to, isn't Will and Jada then the poster child for parenting?? They are together and "happy" because they are married #masheduplogic

          • NurseJilly

            07/11/2012 at 5:45 PM

            Exactly!!! Perhaps you need to come from @ least 3-4 generations of "happy" families to be considered a real couple….

          • Vicky

            07/11/2012 at 6:39 PM

            Even then, times have changed and people values are totally different

  11. Vicky

    07/11/2012 at 1:35 PM

    Grouping everyone together under one umbrella without looking at those who are exceptions is horse vision and it seems to be the only way for certain people to see another point than what they have concluded

  12. Aboriginal

    07/12/2012 at 1:54 AM

    Kizzy, you are full of pure, unadulterated, bull@$*%. You must've missed that train where supposed healthy families are broken up by a divorce and the subsequent child custody issues that stem from that, with the child suffering and sometimes ending up hating either the mother or father, or maybe both.

    I swear, where do people get that anyone raised by a single parent are unfit for relationships? Do you still feel the same way if the person you were dating told you they were raised by one parent because the other passed away when they were young? I hope you aren't that stupid to realize every situation isn't the same, and for your sake, every situation isn't NEGATIVE.

    Oh, btw, I forgot to mention that I sometimes read on the internet about such and such (daughter or son of said celebrity/athlete/entrepreneur/politician), arrested for….. something completely ridiculous and outrageous. Let's not leave out the legendary "do you know who my mother/father is" line that comes from many spoiled brats. As long as they come from a nuclear family these actions are permitted, huh?

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  14. moneypenny

    07/17/2012 at 10:08 PM

    I'm late on this topic, but I have to agree. I don't like to generalize like this, but I speak from experience from being married to the product of a single parent household. My husband's father was not in his life full time. He is damn near 40 and technically married to his mother. She raised him to be the man of the house, her house. She no longer works. He pays all of her bills and works sometimes, LITERALLY, 22 hours a day! We just recently got married, I feel like an outsider. I'm like the chick that stole her husband. He can't be open about finances with me because I think he's afraid for me to know how much is actually going out to her. Ladies, don't raise your boys to be your husbands. Just because you f-ed up your chances at happiness in your youth, don't pass that burden on to your kids! On top of all of that, this dude got daddy issues, he's constantly seeking male acceptance. Lesson for me….look before you leap!

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