Let’s Face Facts: 85% Of Women SUCK At Buying Their Man A Good Gift

"Thanks for the toaster hun! Now let me throw on these new socks you bought me so I can kick you directly in your vagina for screwing up another Birthday! LOL"

When it comes to buying a present for your significant other, [straight] men are absolutely TERRIBLE. Many of us suck at giving ourselves enough time to properly plan something, reading between the lines to know what our woman really wants and even remembering that the special day is occurring in the first place. But for all of our MANY flaws, women ALSO suck in a their own, special, unique ways – but today, I’m here to help the 85% of y’all who continually disappoint your man with TERRIBLE gifts.

If there’s one difference about gift-buying that I appreciate in women MORE than men, it’s the fact that women are so tedious and meticulous about the entire experience and are more willing to ask for opinions on what she’s doing for her man. If I’m being honest, I’ve bought exes gifts on the WAY to our dinner, leaving ZERO time for outside assistance because it was LITERALLY down to the last minute. in fact, one of my most embarrassing ex-gift stories was when I asked my exes-homegirl to buy her a teddy bear for me because I wasn’t able to deliver it myself – and then seeing it lying on her bed months later and saying “what the F*^K is this frowsy-ass bear doing on my side of the bed?” Only to have her reply, “that’s the bear you SAID you bought me for my birthday!” [Damn, I really F*^KED that one up].

But I digress, women have great passion for the gift-buying experience, but most of y’all SUCK at getting your man the perfect gift because you have absolutely NO clue how the male mind works in this regard. So allow me to present you with the DO’S and DONT’S of male-gift buying:

DON’T Believe That High-Class Eating Is The BEST Way To Go

Whenever a woman wants to treat a man to dinner, she automatically starts looking at the most fancy and exclusive places because she believes that will make HIM happy. Ladies, this is the WRONG thing to do. Eating at fancy places where he will have to bust-out a brand new TUX is YOUR idea of a good time – not necessarily HIS. Most men want to indulge in their FAVOURITE food on their special day, not having to wear a three-piece suit and read a menu in a different language.

DO Indulge His Ass In Something Finger-Lickin’

Most men aren’t too picky about ambiance when it comes to his favourite food, just the quality of it. Whether he wants some greasy ass Fried Chicken & waffles, or oxtail with rice and peas or a big sloppy cheeseburger, he’ll be good with even a DIVE.

DON’T Think That NANI Is NOT Enough

P*ssy is always a great gift. And by P*ssy I mean the OVERALL act of sex, not just vaginal intercourse, because a birthday without HEAD is not really a birthday at all.

DO Make The Sex FREAKY – And ADD It To Our Sexual-Menu

Birthday sex is the biggest win-loss scenario in the history of smashing punani. I LOVE your extra freakiness and I appreciate that you sucked my balls while simultaneously jerking me off with your left hand while holding a funnel over your mouth with your right hand to make sure you didn’t miss a drop, but I now NEED that to be on the daily MENU – please don’t make a brother wait 364 days for this to happen again.

DON’T Buy Me Things YOU Think I NEED

If you see me walking around the house in boxer shorts that have all but evaporated off my ass and are hanging on by strings struggling for dear life, don’t buy me new boxers because YOU think I NEED them. I’m not gonna wear them – probably out of spite. It’s my special day so why you gotta flex your relationship muscle even through MY GIFT?

DO Feel Free To Alleviate Some Of My Stress

Stress-alleviation gifts are incredibly underrated. Men LOVE gifts that hold a usefulness in his life and assists him with resolving something he’s going through. Ladies, feel free to buy a man some winter tires, or replacing the broken furnace or some other cost he felt he would have to eat himself. Grown ass men LOVE that gift because it alleviates mental and financial stress. Hell, feel free to knock out the next couple rounds of cable bills while you’re at it. [FYI - this gift HAS to be accompanied with freaky sex - that's just the rule]

Ladies, God-bless your hearts for wanting to make your man happy on his Bday, Valentines Day, Graduation Day, etc. but please use the list above to make sure you are giving your man a gift he REALLY wants.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

27 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/10/2012 at 1:51 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Who Do You Think Is Better At Buying Gifts For Their Significant Other – Men Or Women? Also Ladies, Do YOU Think YOU Are A Good Gift-Buyer For A Man?

    • ChloeRayne516

      07/10/2012 at 12:41 PM

      Sometimes all of these problems and issues could be solved by just asking that person what they like or what their interest are… COMMUNICATION and LISTENING because then you will be able to figure it out.

      If I know my man is a gadget geek then guess what gadgets he will get, if he knows I am a handbag fiend……… You catch my drift??!!! SIMPLE.

      • The_Mad_HATER

        07/10/2012 at 5:07 PM

        yall women are the ones who are always trying to hype up the surprise thing!! I wish i could just tell my girl what i want without her getting mad and saying I'm ruining the day!!

  2. petersburgh

    07/10/2012 at 6:11 AM

    I think women are better because we men do seem to make it last minute or refuse to put considerably thought into it. With regard to forgetting the day, well that's sad but dates usually stick in my head so I can actually remember the first time with every girl, well let's not stray from the point.

    I agree with the fancy restaurant thing and it's not even because I have to shell out for a new tux. It's because I have to wear one. I hate elegant dressing. I usually end up being hot and miserable and will spend more time trying to fan myself with anything possible on the table than hear you singing to me or asking me what I'm going to order

    Bday sex. All I will say is that last year for my birthday was the most amazing sex ever.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      07/10/2012 at 12:34 PM

      women are more concerned with the ambience and men just want some good ass food no matter what the place looks like!!

  3. Vicky

    07/10/2012 at 10:14 AM

    Depends on how well you know your man. I have yet to buy a horrible gift for hubby, maybe he's BSing me that he loves them all but I see him using whatever it is….clothes, electronics, etc.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      07/10/2012 at 12:34 PM

      so what did you get him last year??? how you know he loves it??

      • Vicky

        07/10/2012 at 12:59 PM

        last year for what? Birthday? Christmas? The man got enough presents! LOL!

        Birthday – A weekend getaway
        Christmas – Clothes and a TV for the "man cave", 3 pairs of Nikes

        How can you not love those?

        • NurseJilly

          07/10/2012 at 1:30 PM

          TV for the man cave… What man wouldn't love that??
          Good for you Vicky:)

          • Vicky

            07/10/2012 at 1:44 PM

            We spoil each other! Almost every day we come home with something for the other

        • The_Mad_HATER

          07/10/2012 at 5:08 PM

          what kinda clothes?? a few ties and some dockers??

          • Vicky

            07/11/2012 at 7:08 PM

            Serious?? You need to know that much details? LOL!! You kill me!! :)

  4. krystllyght

    07/10/2012 at 12:31 PM

    I'm an excellent gift giver but I have to admit EVERY gift can't be amazing.

    • Concrete_Rose

      07/10/2012 at 4:50 PM

      What kind of gifts do you give?!

      • krystllyght

        07/10/2012 at 6:26 PM

        I just listen to what he says he wants and likes. For years he'd been saying he wanted a telescope, I got him one and named a star after him. For Christmas last year I got him a watch because for months he'd been saying he wanted one. For Father's Day though, all he got was a tee and a tie. He'd been talking about these certain tees at Kohls so I got him one and I know he wants to step his tie game up too. I've bought him things he needs too tho, like a massage. Whenever I ask what he wants he says socks (rolls eyes) so I have to listen harder for other things. It's like he drops hints but doesn't know he's doing it.

        • Concrete_Rose

          07/10/2012 at 7:11 PM

          Right! They never say what they want! Lol. When i listen hard for hints i end up having to get him it right away because if not he'll get it himself within like 2 weeks. So by the time it's a holiday I'm completely stuck, and I'm like this is a cool screwdriver do you like it lol. (not really with the screwdriver but close to it) I love the star idea!

          • krystllyght

            07/10/2012 at 10:01 PM

            Same here! It's like I have to race him to get what he really wants otherwise he'll buy it himself before I could get it. lol

    • The_Mad_HATER

      07/10/2012 at 5:09 PM

      vagina is always in style!!

      • krystllyght

        07/10/2012 at 6:27 PM

        Pretty much.

  5. iluvwhoiluv

    07/10/2012 at 1:28 PM

    I think I am an awesome gift giver. He's a gamer so I pay attention to what type of games he gets excited about and I try to surprise him with them. Or if there is a scent he loves to wear and I see he's running low on it…or a dish that he hasn't had in a while; I don't wait until a special occasion; I like to give him things "just because" sometimes.

    However, he does seem to put too much emphasis on trying to get the perfect gift for me. For me, it is the thought that counts not necessarily the amount of cash spent.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      07/10/2012 at 5:09 PM

      thought that counts means you will cuss him if gets what you dont want!!!

  6. Concrete_Rose

    07/10/2012 at 4:48 PM

    I typically suck at gift giving!!! He's def gotten boxers from me, mechanic like gloves, sex outfits, bath and body works.Recently it's gotten better but that's bc after doing such a terrible job one year I put money aside to making it great! For his bday I sent him to Vegas with his 2 buddies, and christmas we had a penthouse suite in ny! And when I do it great he says I didnt have to go that far out! So i get stick all over again. So i like the idea of getting him new tires!

    The only other gift I've done well was anything affiliated with his favorite sports team, and video games he likes.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      07/10/2012 at 5:10 PM

      you sent him away to do activities that could lead him to getting puss!! damn!!

      • Concrete_Rose

        07/10/2012 at 7:06 PM

        He wouldn't though. I have enough trust in him and I don't think being in a relationship should stop you from going certain places to have fun

  7. cyn cyn

    07/11/2012 at 5:52 PM

    this is really helpful because i dont know what to do for my boyfriends birthday; thats coming up. i was going to spice up the bed room since iv never really had the privacy to do that; but i feel like it isnt enough, i have to atleast pay for dinner also. i dont know!

    • Vicky

      07/11/2012 at 7:16 PM

      Dinner, cafe for a dessert or a bar for drinks (it's his bday after all) or whatever he likes to do (my hubby would be paint ball), back to where ever you are planning your "night cap"! And breakfast in the morning

  8. Pingback: You Aren’t Gettin Any Cause You Dropped The Ball! « From Ashy to Classy

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