When it comes to buying a present for your significant other, [straight] men are absolutely TERRIBLE. Many of us suck at giving ourselves enough time to properly plan something, reading between the lines to know what our woman really wants and even remembering that the special day is occurring in the first place. But for all of our MANY flaws, women ALSO suck in a their own, special, unique ways – but today, I’m here to help the 85% of y’all who continually disappoint your man with TERRIBLE gifts.
If there’s one difference about gift-buying that I appreciate in women MORE than men, it’s the fact that women are so tedious and meticulous about the entire experience and are more willing to ask for opinions on what she’s doing for her man. If I’m being honest, I’ve bought exes gifts on the WAY to our dinner, leaving ZERO time for outside assistance because it was LITERALLY down to the last minute. in fact, one of my most embarrassing ex-gift stories was when I asked my exes-homegirl to buy her a teddy bear for me because I wasn’t able to deliver it myself – and then seeing it lying on her bed months later and saying “what the F*^K is this frowsy-ass bear doing on my side of the bed?” Only to have her reply, “that’s the bear you SAID you bought me for my birthday!” [Damn, I really F*^KED that one up].
But I digress, women have great passion for the gift-buying experience, but most of y’all SUCK at getting your man the perfect gift because you have absolutely NO clue how the male mind works in this regard. So allow me to present you with the DO’S and DONT’S of male-gift buying:
DON’T Believe That High-Class Eating Is The BEST Way To Go
Whenever a woman wants to treat a man to dinner, she automatically starts looking at the most fancy and exclusive places because she believes that will make HIM happy. Ladies, this is the WRONG thing to do. Eating at fancy places where he will have to bust-out a brand new TUX is YOUR idea of a good time – not necessarily HIS. Most men want to indulge in their FAVOURITE food on their special day, not having to wear a three-piece suit and read a menu in a different language.
DO Indulge His Ass In Something Finger-Lickin’
Most men aren’t too picky about ambiance when it comes to his favourite food, just the quality of it. Whether he wants some greasy ass Fried Chicken & waffles, or oxtail with rice and peas or a big sloppy cheeseburger, he’ll be good with even a DIVE.
DON’T Think That NANI Is NOT Enough
P*ssy is always a great gift. And by P*ssy I mean the OVERALL act of sex, not just vaginal intercourse, because a birthday without HEAD is not really a birthday at all.
DO Make The Sex FREAKY – And ADD It To Our Sexual-Menu
Birthday sex is the biggest win-loss scenario in the history of smashing punani. I LOVE your extra freakiness and I appreciate that you sucked my balls while simultaneously jerking me off with your left hand while holding a funnel over your mouth with your right hand to make sure you didn’t miss a drop, but I now NEED that to be on the daily MENU – please don’t make a brother wait 364 days for this to happen again.
DON’T Buy Me Things YOU Think I NEED
If you see me walking around the house in boxer shorts that have all but evaporated off my ass and are hanging on by strings struggling for dear life, don’t buy me new boxers because YOU think I NEED them. I’m not gonna wear them – probably out of spite. It’s my special day so why you gotta flex your relationship muscle even through MY GIFT?
DO Feel Free To Alleviate Some Of My Stress
Stress-alleviation gifts are incredibly underrated. Men LOVE gifts that hold a usefulness in his life and assists him with resolving something he’s going through. Ladies, feel free to buy a man some winter tires, or replacing the broken furnace or some other cost he felt he would have to eat himself. Grown ass men LOVE that gift because it alleviates mental and financial stress. Hell, feel free to knock out the next couple rounds of cable bills while you’re at it. [FYI - this gift HAS to be accompanied with freaky sex - that's just the rule]
Ladies, God-bless your hearts for wanting to make your man happy on his Bday, Valentines Day, Graduation Day, etc. but please use the list above to make sure you are giving your man a gift he REALLY wants.
This Is Your Conscience
Let's keep it real for a second: If you are a grown man or woman in Toronto, you already KNOW how difficult it is to find events WORTH leaving the house for. When it comes to parties, fetes, bashments and limes, we've pretty much SEEN IT ALL and DONE IT ALL. If you are as BORED of those regular ass events as I am, then I welcome you to join me at an event that is UNIQUE, INTERESTING and FUN AS HELL.
The #GrownGamesNight will feature many of your favourite childhood board games, hilarious card games that damn near made your family BBQ end in a fist fight (spades, anyone?) and team games that brought Kobe Bryant-levels of competition out of you.