My Man Can Be “Cool” With My Friends – But They Can’t Be FRIENDS [By: Amanda Scott]

As women, we all want our boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands to mesh well with our homegirls. We want to bring him around, have him blow their socks off with his personality, sense of humor and good attitude, so they can all see exactly what we see in him. But seeing an issue my friend is now going through, has made me reconsider exactly how I want my friends to receive my man…

I have a friend named Jazmin (her “club alias” and you ladies know what I mean lol) and she has been going long and strong with her man for over 10 months now! She is mostly with him, so we don’t get to hang out as much as I wish we did, but a couple months back she started to bring her man, Justin, around more and we all took to him. He’s tall, handsome, sweet, and he is funny as heck…so funny he had us all in tears at some point!

When I met Jazmin a few weeks after that, she told me she was a little concerned about their relationship because he had really hit it off with our girl Tammy after the initial meet-up, and now they hang out and talk on the phone, even when she is not around! He really took to our friend Tammy because they have a very similar sense of humor, but Jazmin was concerned that their friendship may becoming inappropriate, but she doesn’t know what to say because she encouraged him to be good friends with all her friends, and that is exactly what he is doing!

Now I don’t know how she should handle her situation, but it really got me thinking about my own life and what I would do in that situation, and then it all came to me…no way in hell would I allow my man and my girl to get that close! I may sound like a jealous, territorial heffa, but they don’t need to be that close. If my man told me he wanted to call my homegirl, I would give him an A+ for effort in trying to be a good friend, but he would get an F right after for being out-of-his-damn-mind!

Of course I want them to be cool, but there is a limit on how close they need to be and it’s not about me not trusting them, it’s about them not putting themselves in a situation to test how much they trust themselves! Managing a genuine male/female relationship is extremely tricky and can be very problematic when the obligatory sexual tension rears its ugly head…and if they meet up without me, they are putting themselves in a situation to test that attraction out, regardless of how much they are loyal to me.

So if a man I date ever wanted to get close to any of my friends, I would have to hit him with this look:

And then nip that friendship in the bud.

- AS

Cheating is not necessarily the END of your relationship, it can be overcome, and if you want to know how make sure to read the book below:

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

49 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/30/2012 at 4:28 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe In Putting A Limit On How Close Your Lover And Your Friends Can Be? Or Do You Not Care?

    Also, What Advice Would You Give Jazmin To Help Her Situation Out With Tammy & Justin?

    • iluvwhoiluv

      07/30/2012 at 1:51 PM

      I think Jazmin should be honest with her feelings. She does herself more damage if she keeps quiet about her discomfort. There's one thing to hit it off with someone, but if there are conversations going on and hang outs but she wasn't told until after the fact, that can definitely bring up some issues and some drama. Plus, is Tammy the type of female that can be trusted around another female's man? Not saying Tammy is like that, but I know there are some friends that a woman has who no matter how tight they are, she can't be around her man by herself. If there's nothing foul going on, then both Tammy & Justin will be cool and understand that Jazmin wants a preventive measure in place to prevent "danger". However, if there's a lot of resistance or flat out defensiveness, then one may have to watch out!

  2. Mila

    07/30/2012 at 6:17 AM

    lol. i dont give a shit what nobody else says!!! i feel everything you said girl!!!!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/30/2012 at 10:05 AM

      How Do You Think Jazmin Should Handle The Situation She's In?

    • Amanda Scott

      07/30/2012 at 11:51 AM

      Thanks love!

  3. petersburgh

    07/30/2012 at 6:32 AM

    I think that's too close for comfort. I can't imagine why the two of them would need to be talking on the phone that way. It's one thing to call to ask a question about something but random conversations when I'm not even there is another.

    I believe she needs to talk to him about it. Encouraging your partner to be good friends with your friends means to get along not get to know in an intimate way because eventually that's what happens with all of the private conversations

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/30/2012 at 10:10 AM

      But What Does She Say Tho? SHE Encouraged Them To Be Friends, So If She's Too Harsh She's Gonna Look Hypocritical.

      • petersburgh

        07/30/2012 at 10:20 AM

        It's going to be tough. My belief is that she should have said in the beginning to be civil not to be friends etc. I guess she knows her bf so she should know how to put it across but yeah that's a tough one. Personal I'm blunt so I would just say “I aint bout wunna mekking talking all kinda times of the day so try and stop it. When we out, sure but otherwise, nah”Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

        • Amanda Scott

          07/30/2012 at 11:52 AM

          But really who thinks they would have hit it off like that?? I think my girl was not expecting that to happen at all!

          • petersburgh

            07/30/2012 at 12:01 PM

            Well regardless, I tell all of my gfs to be civil but calling and those other things are circumstantial at best. If this was the initial talk maybe it won't be the way it isSent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

          • MistaHarsh

            07/30/2012 at 12:41 PM

            I think she did expect it and that's why she hid him from them for so long. Either she knew that the dude is too much of a charmer with women in general or knew how her "friends" get down

    • Amanda Scott

      07/30/2012 at 11:52 AM

      Right?!

      They can be friends but they don't need to be butt buddies!

  4. SMilez_920

    07/30/2012 at 6:42 AM

    Honestly most men don’t want to be too close to your friends, for the simple fact it puts them in your business even more. Think about it you and your man get in an argument, you vent to your friends, they try to play middle man and talk to him, and it’s just too much.
    I agree with you girl. Unless she knew him before me, there is no reason for my girlfriends to exchange phone numbers and talk everyday to my man. Again I trust my friends and my man, so it’s not about that, it’s about boundaries.

    • SMilez_920

      07/30/2012 at 6:43 AM

      Your girl has only been with this guy for 10 months so while she’s excited about him, he still has a lot of “trust worthiness” to prove. As far as Jasmines homegirl, why would she think it’s cool to talk to her friend’s man every day? I’ve had friends whose boyfriends I knew before they started dating, had their phone numbers, aim, facebook and never had the urge to speak to them every day.
      Your girl needs to make sure she’s not using the word friend to loosely. She should talk to her man and ask him why they talk all the time and tell her it makes her feel uncomfortable. She should also ask Tammy why she is talking to her man every day. Trust no man is having his woman talk to his homeboy on the phone every day.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        07/30/2012 at 10:08 AM

        You Don't Think That Will Make Jazmin Look Crazy And Insecure Tho?

        • Smilez_920

          07/30/2012 at 10:29 AM

          I didn't tell her to assume but, if it's bothering her she should speak up. She doesn't have to go around Acussing them of bein more than friends but she has the right to express that she doesn't fully understand the terms of their friendship an that it is very awkward and uncomfortable for her.

          • Amanda Scott

            07/30/2012 at 11:55 AM

            She just needs to get it off her chest because it will come out sooner or later!

      • Shay lovely

        08/10/2012 at 12:39 AM

        Amen amen and amen!!!
        Platform for BETRAYAL of her man and her best friend, and she should ask them how would they fill if she was buddy buddy with his best friend and her man!!

    • NurseJilly

      07/30/2012 at 10:30 AM

      Exactly!! That wouldn't fly with me at all.

    • Amanda Scott

      07/30/2012 at 11:54 AM

      Finally someone gets my exact point! Why do they need to be buddies? What am I? Chopped liver??

  5. Dorinda

    07/30/2012 at 8:58 AM

    I agree having the se issue right now been with my man 8 yrs and a new friend wants to be his friend he and I disagree

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/30/2012 at 10:06 AM

      YOUR Friend Wants To Be His Friend Or Someone You Don't Know?

  6. mena

    07/30/2012 at 9:50 AM

    I am friends with my best friend's husband and he and i (when we lived in the same area, would hang out with each other occasionally–maybe twice without her). When did this happen? After I knew him for 5 years. Yep, it took 5 yrs to get to the point where it was ok for us to hang out without her. On top of that, we would ALWAYS let her know that we were going to hang out (again, this only happened twice). I am now the aunt to their little girl. I say all of that to say, homegirl is using the term friend way too loosely. Ain't no way that i would ALLOW for my guy to call up one of my friends after only 10 mths so that they can hangout without me. That trust takes years to build. Bottom line, i don't want to think that my friend is getting a level of intimacy from the man that i am intimate with. That's ridiculous and her "friend" is shady as all get out. No friend would ever do that. Sorry. But it just wouldnt happen. I didn't even start to give my friend's husband a full hug until 4 years ago and she and I have been best friends for 10 yrs. People need to understand boundaries.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/30/2012 at 10:09 AM

      Maybe It's Different Strokes For Different Folks?

      • mena

        07/30/2012 at 10:20 AM

        Would you feel some type of way if your girl started hanging with one of your guy friends and taking calls from him?

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/30/2012 at 10:45 AM

          Honestly I Would Literally Not Care AT ALL…My Girl Could Call Me At 3 AM Drunk Ay My Friends House, And I Would Just Be Glad She's Somewhere Safe.

          But I Have A Certain Relationship With My Friends That Allows That.

          • mena

            07/30/2012 at 11:03 AM

            I don't believe you. You need more people. :-)

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/30/2012 at 11:47 AM

            Seriously.

            I Don't Have Many Friends, But The Couple I Have Are My Friends Because They Are Like Brothers To Me. I Trust Them With My Lives, They Trust Me With Their Kids And We Trust Each Other With Our GF's.

            What Kind Of Friend Needs To Have Boundaries Put Between Him And His Friend's Lover? That's Insane To Me.

          • Smilez_920

            07/30/2012 at 12:16 PM

            Linc would you be cool with your future wife a close intimate friendship with one of your homeboys. I mean a friendship on the sme level as the friendship you have with your future wife?

          • MistaHarsh

            07/30/2012 at 1:09 PM

            "I would just be glad She's Somewhere Safe."

            I laughed out loud at that because all I could think of was "yeah safe in his arms… "

            It really depends on the level of communication if she never told me she would be there or I wasn't invited I'd be curious as to why I'm the only one at home.

          • mena

            07/30/2012 at 1:50 PM

            Yep. I think it's full of crap too. I don't care how long of a friendship we have, if my dude calls my best friend, drunk off his behind, and goes to her house instead of my place…$hit is popping off.

          • NurseJilly

            07/30/2012 at 2:13 PM

            "$hit is popping off"… Thats putting it mildly.

          • bornscorpion

            08/04/2012 at 4:48 AM

            -_______- Linc, sorry but I call *cough cough* bullshit… or else all your homies are gay. It's both naive and pompous to flatter ourselves immune to the unthinkable. Give loved ones the benefit of the doubt but don't be a fool either. And mind you, fools love to tempt fate. Putting ppl on an unrealistic pedestal as if they're utterly incapable of mucking up is a sure fire way to get blindsided in life. Granted betraying a friend may be the furthest thing from our mind but to err is human. Ppl who understand this respect boundaries and play their part by not putting themselves and others in compromising positions.

        • Amanda Scott

          07/30/2012 at 11:56 AM

          He knows he would too lol

    • NurseJilly

      07/30/2012 at 2:12 PM

      Exactly!! That girl is not a friend

  7. Smilez_920

    07/30/2012 at 10:48 AM

    Linc I know you have to play devils advocate , but I know you can smell that something isn't right in this situation.
    Jasmine introduces her new man to her friend " Tammy". Tammy and jasmine man click. They start talking on the phone and hanging out without jasmine, multiply times during the week. Sounds like theyre dating and don't even know it. I mean what do they do on these outings, movies, dinner, red box. Is he starting to hang out with Tammy more than jasmine. Even if they aren't trying to take it there, things happen when you put your self in temptations path.

    As a friend Tammy should know her boundaries, as a boyfriend he should know his boundaries and think about if the shoe was in the other foot.

    The problem isnt with what theyre doing, it's how and why they are doing it so much.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/30/2012 at 11:48 AM

      I'm Not Playing Devils Advocate, Just Talking About My Own Situation. Me And My Friends All Hang Out With Each Other's GF's But We Just Have That Type Of Friendship.

      • Smilez_920

        07/30/2012 at 12:01 PM

        But I'm sure there are boundaries that you guys follow, like what y'all do, where y'all do it and how y'all do it. In sure if you and your boys have that kind of relationship, you make sure what you do with your mans girl doesn't come off looking suspect. Like do you talk too your mans gf everyday or very frequently at random hours?

        I have no problem with my man hanging with my friends but there are limits that they both should know and respect

    • Amanda Scott

      07/30/2012 at 11:57 AM

      Exactly! They have got so close in such a short period of time…what does that mean for months down the road? Will they be friggin' BFF's??!

    • iluvwhoiluv

      07/30/2012 at 1:57 PM

      Reflection is on point Smilez…

  8. MistaHarsh

    07/30/2012 at 12:18 PM

    10 months why only now he's meeting her friends? I'm sure she's been blabbing about him which created hype leading up to the long overdue meeting and now her friends panties are moist.

    But there's questions that need answers? where is she(jazmin) when these to lovebirds are clicking up? Is she unavailable when this happens? Is she ever invited by either Him or her friend or is everything done on the low? Does your friend have a man? Have you slept/flirted with her men in the past?

    Is 10months a serious relationship? Only if its been established as one, meaning it was discussed. If not he's free to spread is good humor around and reel the fishes in.

    Ultimately she should include herself in these meetings and see if she's the third wheel or the cock blocker. She shouldn't bring it up cuz that just validates HER insecurities AND his and her friends "secret" feelings.

    • mena

      07/30/2012 at 12:25 PM

      No. She should bring it up to get it out in the open. Keeping it bottled up definitely isn't helping. Personally, i don't believe it's a real friendship. Can't be. Friends wouldn't even think to cross this type of line. She should check her girl though and keep it moving. And by checking, i mean simply sitting her down and speaking with her.

      My 3 best female friends would never do this type of crap. They understand that there are boundaries that you just don't cross. They also know me well enough to know which boundaries not to cross.

      • MistaHarsh

        07/30/2012 at 1:17 PM

        "Personally, i don't believe it's a real friendship"

        Or a real relationship. How do you hide your s/o for 10 months? That not an accident. She had her reasons. The answer lies there at least in this specific scenairo.

        Never said bottle it up. I'm saying to assess it first. Like I said there's a reason why she hid him, It might be her insecurity talking.

    • iluvwhoiluv

      07/30/2012 at 2:00 PM

      Mista, you also bring up a good point. Was Jazmin trying to wait to see if it was a serious relationship before including the friend meet up or did she know there were a few of her friends she might have not been able to trust? Who knows, maybe she's putting Justin to the test, just to see if he will in fact stray?

      There are so many different variables here…so many other things that could be going on underneath….

      • bornscorpion

        08/04/2012 at 5:50 AM

        To be honest here, ladies we don't care to admit it but this situation is about as transparent as it gets. As females we're either loyal to the death or cutthroat. It's the nature of a woman and on female turf, by sheer principle, sh*t like this spells war…

        Her man is not only fine but capable of charming the draws of a nun… and Jaz knows it. Perhaps his intentions are well meaning, but he's liable to stray under the right conditions cause he's an insufferable ladies man. Game recognize game. That's REAL, and the reason why she's insecure about him. Now to the homegirls. She insecure about them b/c hmmmm Iemme guess, she's first in the pack to secure a mate in how long? See, Amanda is loyal. Meanwhile however, Tammy, the cutthroat "friend" is thirsty and on the prowl. And right about now her homegirl new boo is looking like prime rib. Jaz senses her desperation and unfortunately, so does her man.

        Like Mena said, she shoulda checked her at the gate. Welp, as they say let the games begin smh.

  9. NurseJilly

    07/30/2012 at 1:08 PM

    To be honest I'm all for everyone getting along and my girls all thinking my bf is great and vice versa but there should be boundaries. I don't care how well my man got along with my girlfriends not a single one of them would talk to him on the phone unless they are calling me and he picked up or something. There is no reason for them to be that close in my opinion.

    She should absolutely bring it up to her girl and make her expectations known, if she says nothing then how the hell are they supposed to know that its bothering her?

    To be honest she's kind of in a F'd up position now cause she didn't handle this right from the beginning but better late than never I guess…

    • Smilez_920

      07/30/2012 at 2:13 PM

      I agree. Plus there's something about that friend Tammy. As a friend I know the boundaries about bf without you having to spell it out. Not saying she wants jasmines man but I think she likes the attention he is giving her and doesn't care what it looks like. I mean there on the phone constantly and hanging out one on one

  10. Paul B

    07/30/2012 at 8:51 PM

    Actually I agree. I don’t want my woman being friends with my friends, though sadly I learned this lesson a little late. But I did keep at least one friend separated from her. Certain friends got a little too comfortable and demonstrated some disloyalty to me for her not long after she was in the picture. Needless to say, they’ve been downgraded to associates in my life.

  11. Dydy

    08/01/2012 at 10:05 AM

    My friends are my friends, her friends are hers. I WILL make a big stink about it if she tries to get me to meet her friends. To me that's worse than meeting the parents, and I'm never in the mood to field a game of 21 questions that's all about me from friends. Mystery is the spice of life.

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