The 5 Things You MUST Reveal To Someone BEFORE Your 1st Date

Finding out if she dated one of your cousins is something you might want to ask too..

Last week I received a message from a dude stating that I should write a post about celibate women who date men without first clarifying they are waiting until marriage to have sex BEFORE they begin dating. As I read that, I was APPALLED that any woman would actually NOT mention the fact that she is abstinent PRIOR to beginning a relationship with a dude and waiting until he is emotionally invested to bring it up. But then I got to thinking that men AND women are BOTH guilty of keeping important parts of their lives secret WELL into the dating process, when they should be coming out and announcing their situation even before the first date. Although this list could technically be 187 items along, I have trimmed it down to the top 5.

#1 You MUST Reveal IF You Have Children & How Many

The ideology that this information is only reserved for people you are “seriously” seeing is a load of BULLSH*T. If you have children, you should be announcing that [proudly, I might add] well in advance of the first date to give that person time to decide whether or not they can handle being in that situation. Some people can’t, and regardless of how you may feel about them, you CAN’T knock them for being cognizant of what they want, and you DEFINITELY can’t overwhelm them with such important info AFTER they’re already committed to you. How MANY you have should not be a secret either. Who wants to walk into something like THIS:

#2 How Your LAST Relationship Ended

Look, no one is entitled to know your business and the private details surrounding your most intimate moments with your ex. That’s obviously YOUR business and no one else’s. BUT, if you are thinking about dating someone and your LAST relationship ended with a restraining order, how the HELL do you leave that information out of the initial talking stage? if your last relationship ended with a family law trial, or someone calling someone else’s cousin to beat the hell out of them, or someone being arrested, your drama will become your NEW date’s drama as SOON as y’all go out in public. Give ‘em a heads up.

#3 Are You Clean And When Last Were You Checked

I don’t have ANY right to know WHO you slept with, WHEN was the last time you slept with someone and WHAT their name is – but I am entitled to know if your burning like the rim in NBA Jam on Super Nintendo.

#4 Are They Employed And Do They LOVE What They Do

I have written numerous times on this site about the personal importance of LOVING what you do, so you want to ensure that you are starting a potential relationship with someone who not only has a plan, money in the bank and ambition, but someone who LOVES the life they are leading. It’s cool to make a lot of money, but if your career makes you a miserable-beeyotch then I don’t wanna deal with you, employed or not. Now If they DON’T even have a job or business and you DON’T clarify that right from the start, be prepared to have to INVESTIGATE them months later about what they do:

#5 Your Previous Marriage Experience

If you are divorced, that HAS to be a BEFORE first-date conversation. That event not only shapes your current mind state on dating, but it also says A LOT about what may be going on in your life RIGHT NOW. Your new date has the right to know that you had such a SIGNIFICANT emotional-event happen to you, although they DON’T need to know the musty details.

But ladies and gentlemen, we KNOW this is A LOT of information people would PREFER to hide from you, so if you decide to date someone without confirming these 5 things up above, prepare to date that potentially-frowsy ass person at YOUR own risk.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

102 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/16/2012 at 4:17 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Let's Create A List: What Are The 5 Most Important Things YOU MUST Know About Someone Before The First Date?

  2. mena

    07/16/2012 at 6:44 AM

    Simply, their name. I guess I'm just different. The first date is my time to get to know you. Too often, myself included, people judge too quickly without getting to know the person first. Save that information for dates 1 or 2. By the second date, I would have asked you, if you are married, have kids, been sexually involved with a man (the ladies know this question now needs to be asked), education, job, etc. I am all for not wasting someone's time but if you need to know these things before you even go out on a date, send that person a questionnaire through email and have them fill it out before you even call them to ask them out for drinks or dinner.

    • NurseJilly

      07/16/2012 at 11:30 AM

      Wow… Am I the only person shocked by the need to ask if he's been sexually involved with a man??

      I'm just getting back to the whole dating thing after over a decade but really? This is something women are asking men?

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        07/16/2012 at 12:54 PM

        I Never Heard Of That Either…But Then Again, We Don't Live In Atlanta.

        • mena

          07/16/2012 at 1:16 PM

          I'm in the DMV.

      • mena

        07/16/2012 at 1:15 PM

        It depends. Do you care if the guy you are seeing is bisexual or not? I care simply b/c I don't believe in bisexuality. So if I ask, and the guy says yes, that he has slept with men, then I will cut my losses and move on to the next one.

        It's an important question to me.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 12:53 PM

      Why Do You Care About Whether Or Not He's Slept With A Man?

      • mena

        07/16/2012 at 1:16 PM

        I don't believe in bisexuality and i have friends who were bisexual only to move right into being gay. It's a discriminating factor that i use when deciding if I want to be with you or not.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 1:47 PM

          That's Fair. Nothing Wrong With That From THAT Perspective.

        • MistaHarsh

          07/16/2012 at 3:26 PM

          To be honest I don't believe in bisexuality as well. Either you sex guys or girls or your album coming out pick one there's no reason to be confused about it…

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:17 PM

            HYSTERICAL!

            "Bud Light Joke Of The Day!" LoL

  3. petersburgh

    07/16/2012 at 6:46 AM

    I don't have a list per se but you hit the nail on the head. I also ask women if they can deal with blunt honesty because that's truly me. It's funny this week's podcast spoke of that because all have said they can deal with it but really can't.

    I seriously cannot believe that the woman DID NOT let him know she was celibate. Now that's dishonesty to me. It's also deceptive that she waited until he was caught up to tell him this suggesting she wanted to "rope" him in. Details like that must be divulged as soon as possible.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 12:56 PM

      I Would Have Dumped Her Ass Immediately And I Bet She Would Think It's Because She's Not Giving It Up, But It Would Be Because She's Dishonest As HELL. What Else Is She Hiding?

  4. @IamSomethngElse

    07/16/2012 at 6:48 AM

    People still date??? Who knew!! Let's see….my list goes beyond 5 so I'll try to condense it.
    1. Employed and if unemployed how long, what reason, and how they're supporting theirself and children in the mean time. I understand that some people fall on hard times but if he's on his third year of unemployment checks then I'll pass. #next
    2. Any children, how many to how many mothers and how often do you spend time with them. This is important because I have children myself and I don't want it looking like I run a daycare when we go out together eventually. I also CAN'T stand a man who doesn't take care of his kids or that has baby mama drama. Don't take me out to Applebee's if your kids need school clothes. #priorities. Don't tell me about your baby mama drama or tell me how horrible she is either, you slept w/ her. #next
    I'll make these last three short…my bad.
    3. Whether or not you have money in the bank or do you just spend.
    4. If you smoke
    5. If you drink

    Ok I'm done…even though there's more.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 12:59 PM

      #3 Is A Before First Date Question???

      • @IamSomethngElse

        07/16/2012 at 4:24 PM

        Yes sir it is!!! I'm not gonna come out and ask for a bank statement but I have ways of talking to man to get him to tell me certain things. It's not about me wanting his money it's so I know that his priorities are in order. I can't sit and have a man spend money on me knowing his light bill due or he only got enough gas money to last him til his next pay day.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 4:33 PM

          Oh Ok I Feel You. It's Important To Know If He's Financially Responsible Is What You're Saying?!

    • bornscorpion

      07/17/2012 at 2:50 AM

      Co-signing line 4. I can't get with smokers either.

  5. MistaHarsh

    07/16/2012 at 8:51 AM

    is this referring to online dating because if this is all established before the first date there's not much to do on the first date but have sex.

    As for as telling someone you're celibate, I have second thoughts on that. As a guy damn straight I'd want to know but on the flip side do people who are have sex declare that before a first date? Usually its revealed as things progress whether sex is even a part of the equation because even if they do have sex it doesn't mean they're having it with you… so why is it an obligation so early? Let's get to know each other first before you tell me we ain't fcuking

    • @IamSomethngElse

      07/16/2012 at 9:25 AM

      As someone who is celibate I agree with you. I don't tell people that celibate basically because it's not their business. I figure if I like someone enough and get into a relationship then it will happen but that's not after 3 dates nor 5. To me the purpose of dating is for a man to prove that he's good enough for goods…a very long interview. If I come out on the initial conversation like "yes I love my job and have been celibate for *insert long time here*" then I'm sure to get stood on the first date if one is ever planned.

      • mena

        07/16/2012 at 9:52 AM

        Yes. The assumption is celibate = something wrong with you, prude, cat lady.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 1:20 PM

          Not True. It Depends On WHO You Are Choosing To Date.

          • MistaHarsh

            07/16/2012 at 3:33 PM

            agreed and that's why I don't understand why it should be mentioned so early. If the guys is interested in YOU then finding out off the rip if ya'll are fcuking is not really a concern – that early I genuinely what to get to know you.

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 3:44 PM

            Yes. It seems backwards to say that you are looking for a relationship/wife but she needs to let you know before day one if yall are going to get down. That's a turn off in my opinion.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:19 PM

            Who Said That?

          • @IamSomethngElse

            07/16/2012 at 4:29 PM

            Isn't the purpose of dating to find someone you want to be in a relationship with? Or is your view dating as misconstrued as the rest of this world's? If I want to get to know "John" why do I need to know if he is going to sleep w/ me down the line (yes there are celibate men)? I'm still surprised that people date because all I ever hear about is people meeting up and then having sex w/in that week. Next thing you know somebody gotta new baby momma or baby daddy they don't want nothing to do with.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:35 PM

            It's Funny To Hear People's Ideologies About Sex And Relationships Because It Seems Y'all Believe You Have To Either Be Celibate Or You Are A Slut Who Slams On The First Date.

            I Don't Fit Into Either Of Those Categories And That's Simply What Works For Me. But To Each His Own.

          • bornscorpion

            07/17/2012 at 3:00 AM

            Agreed. There's lots of attractive females out here who haven't been touched in months, even years b/c they're not into casual sex. Yet, I find some men assume that we must be wifed up, or at least have a boo thang in our lives somewhere. On the contrary, if utterly single (especially if over 25) you're automatically considered suspect… (ppl start assuming you're a prude, bat shit crazy, a ball buster, has Chili standards, a closet lesbian, or a jump-off). It's funny but annoys me when guys ask, "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?" It's almost insulting, but I try to take it as said with the best intentions. Sorry, kinda went off on a rant there.

      • Smilez_920

        07/16/2012 at 10:28 AM

        While I don’t think you should tell the person before the first date that your celibate, I also don’t think you should wait 3 or 4 months in to reveal that type of information either.
        By date three to date five we will probably start asking questions like "what do you want in a partner" or what do you look for in a relationship. When we are having that conversation mention the fact that your celibate. In that stage it gives the other person time to choose if they really want to invest in a relationship under those terms or if they can’t handle that. It also stops both of you from wasting each other’s time.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 1:21 PM

          I'm Sorry But The Date Three Is Still Wasting Too Much TIme In My Eyes For A Relationship That Would Be Going Absolutely Nowhere.

          • iamkeishabrown

            07/16/2012 at 3:49 PM

            but wait.
            why is it assumed it's not going anywhere?
            because she's not giving up the goods on day 1-30?
            aren't fellas always saying that men dont respect you if you give up too early?
            soooo glad i've removed myself from this very contradictory scene for the time being. (not celibate – just not playing the game).

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:21 PM

            I Meant For Me. I'm Not Waiting For Marriage To Have Sex, So If That's What She Is On, That's Great For Her, But I Would Be Wasting My Time Dating Her, Knowing We Want And Expect Two Different Things Out Of A Personal Relationship.

          • iamkeishabrown

            07/16/2012 at 4:50 PM

            im not celibate, so i dont know what the parameters are.
            some are celibate and will remain so until marriage.
            others, may just want to ensure that dude is in it for the long run/doesn't have long-term intentions. i think asking a celibate person to define it first is helpful.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 5:00 PM

            I Am Only Referring To Those Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex.

          • @IamSomethngElse

            07/16/2012 at 4:32 PM

            You just spoke my mind. I'm convinced that men only say that to get closer to the goods. Had a convo w/ my male friend a few months back and he said the same thing that Lincoln is getting at…"men just wanna know they at least have a chance". It's basically a power/ego trip. If they don't at least get an inkling of the go ahead they have then lost all power, their ego is bruised and they go off to find some low self esteem having young lady to boost them back. It's a sad reality…a vicious cycle.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:43 PM

            Me And Him Are Saying TWO Completely Different Things.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        07/16/2012 at 1:15 PM

        I Think That Comes Down To Who Someone Chooses To Date Tho.

        I Went To A Church Relationship Conversation Event Last Night And Those Dudes Were SEARCHING For Celibate Women. But Whether A Woman Reveals She Is Celibate To Someone Like Me On The First Or The Fifth Date, I'm Still Going To Break It Off, So Why Waste Each Other's Time?

        • MistaHarsh

          07/16/2012 at 3:46 PM

          I would break it off too but let me ask you this:you wouldn't continue if you really liked the girl and you clicked? Don't you want to find wife potential based on more qualities than just sex? I'm assuming the girl would be celibate until she gets married so its not like you wouldn't get none ever… and as far as testing sexual chemistry did you think that pastor couldn't figure out that Megan would be good in bed?

          We all talk the good talk and say we want to get married but do we really put in the effort necessary to reach to that point?

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:23 PM

            Naw, I NEED Intimacy MORE Than I Need Sex. Celibate And Abstinent People Do Not Engage In Sex, But EVEN WORSE They Don't Do Anything Intimate.

            I Wrote On Here A While Back That I Need Intimacy More Than Sex, And if She Can't Even Lie On The Couch With Me Caressing One Another, I Would Not Feel Comfortable Even Imagining Spending The REST Of My Life With Her.

          • MistaHarsh

            07/16/2012 at 5:45 PM

            "But EVEN WORSE They Don't Do Anything Intimate."

            Is that really true? I can't see lolo or Megan not having physical contact with their partners or vice versa. What not even talk about it like phone sex? Its unhealthy to cut that whole aspect of a human being off to that extent. Don't get me wrong I'm not about dat life either but I call balderdash on that preconceived notion.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 6:00 PM

            That's Very Much True About Women Who Are Waiting Until Marriage.

            Yesterday We Had A LARGE Discussion About This In A Room Full Of Celibate Women, And They Talked About "Triggers" A Lot.

            Essentially A Trigger Is Any Pleasurable Physical Contact That Can Be A Gateway To Sexual Feelings. They Mostly Stated They DON'T Participate In ANYTHING Like That. Some Stated Kissing Was A No-No Until Marriage And Others Talked About Hugging Being A Questionable Act.

            These Are NOT [And I Repeat NOT] My Opinions – These Are What Celibate Women Tell Me Directly.

          • MistaHarsh

            07/16/2012 at 8:40 PM

            ….ooookkayy….not what I expected…nope definitely not my cup of tea at any level. These women shouldn't even be dating then with that mindset…your "arranged married" program has just become that much more valid.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 8:55 PM

            I Hope My Position On Celibate Women Makes More Sense Now.

            I Have Been Talking Extensively To Celibate Women For The Past Few Weeks And This Is The INformation THEY Gave Me.

          • @IamSomethngElse

            07/16/2012 at 11:12 PM

            Ok as a celibate woman let's get one thing straight. Everybody practices it in different ways. Some do it for religious reasons, some because they're fed up w/ being used. Yes there are triggers but it all boils down to self control which some lack. I am someone who likes to be hug and kiss so if dating those wouldn't be out of the question. It's human to want physical contact from someone you're attracted to whether emotionally or physically. I really think it just boils down to the level of respect a man has for someone on how far they'll take it. I've had men try to push the limits and wound up w/ their egos bruised and these were men that knew of my celibacy but saw me as a challenge. I don't fault you for your views on us but I ask that you get more info before you continue to make us seem like the lepers of this sex crazed society.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/17/2012 at 3:52 AM

            I Understand Everyone Practices Celibacy In Different Ways But What I Am Specifically Referencing Is People Who Wait Until They Are Married.

            And To Be Honest, I Don't Think You Understand My Views Because I Really Don't Need More Info On Celibate Women And Men – I Have Had A THOROUGH Education In The Past Few Weeks From MANY Celibate People Who Cleared Up A Lot Of The Issue For Me. I Don't Think You Are Lepers And I Definitely Didn't Write Anything To Suggest That.

            I Simply Do NOT Practice It Because That's My Decision. But I Have Complete Respect For Anyone Who Does.

          • bornscorpion

            07/17/2012 at 4:23 AM

            No kissing or hugging? That's extreme. By the way, intimacy and sex are two different things but best when combined.

    • Smilez_920

      07/16/2012 at 9:32 AM

      Yes and No,Maybe you should'nt mention it on the first date, because it is personal. But if you’re on date 2 or 3 and as a celibate woman, you feel that you want to invest time in the guy, then you need to cough that information up.
      It's no different that asking a man if he’s opens to being in a serious committed relationship during the early parts of your courtship. You need to know these things before you invest time into a person. Plus if he can’t handle that life style, she needs to know early on so she can move on to someone else who can.

      • mena

        07/16/2012 at 9:37 AM

        This i agree with. But before the dating even starts? That doesn't make sense to me. Definitely by the 3rd date, you should know if the person is looking for a serious relationship to move into marriage or if the person just wants to "chill."

        • iamkeishabrown

          07/16/2012 at 3:50 PM

          +2 exactly.

          we're also told not to assume that a man only wants you for your pu$$y.
          so bringing up my sexual timetable on the 1st date does just that – does it not?

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 4:21 PM

            It does. I get so confused b/c i don't know what part of the game i should be playing and which part i shouldn't be. All i can be is me. If you bring up sex on the first date, there won't be a second one. I am looking for a husband. Bottom line. Get to know me first. I swear that the topic will come up eventually. Also, i simply cannot have sex without some type of connection and that's just me. It's not for everyone. If a dude tells me from jump that he needs to have sex by week 3 that is the same as me saying, we aren't having sex until day 82. Let it happen when it happens and bring it up when it's appropriate. It ALWAYS amazes me when people say what they wont put up with until they fine someone that blows their minds and then it's a different story.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:24 PM

            So There's No Grey Zone? It's Either He JUST Wants Pussy Or He Wants To Get Married?

            Ok.

          • iamkeishabrown

            07/16/2012 at 4:52 PM

            *re-reads my comment.
            i certainly didn't say that.

            but what this argument leads me to believe is that, men believe themselves to have the right to all information THEY believe to be pertinent ON THE FIRST DATE.

            i am simply disagreeing because it flies in the face of many things that have been said on this blog and by men many times before.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 5:01 PM

            How So?

            I Find The Male/Female Dichotomy That's Being Presented As INCREDIBLY Funny Because NO WHERE Did I State This List Was Gender Specific.

          • fourpageletter

            07/16/2012 at 10:35 PM

            clearly the comments have been more about revealing celibacy than the entire list.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/17/2012 at 3:53 AM

            Well It's Really Hilarious That Women Think This Is Only Struggle Women Go Through, When I Met A Bunch Of Celibate Dudes This Weekend.

          • bornscorpion

            07/17/2012 at 4:29 AM

            touch'e

    • mena

      07/16/2012 at 9:38 AM

      "I have second thoughts on that. As a guy damn straight I'd want to know but on the flip side do people who are have sex declare that before a first date? Usually its revealed as things progress whether sex is even a part of the equation because even if they do have sex it doesn't mean they're having it with you… so why is it an obligation so early?" Well said.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 1:09 PM

      I Wanna Know Because I Would Never Seriously Date A Celibate Woman. That's An Absolute 100% Deal-Breaker. I Wouldn't Go On A First Date With Her At All, So I Think It's Something That Would Keep Us Both From Wasting Our Time.

      • mena

        07/16/2012 at 1:57 PM

        But when are you asking her this question? Like, are you asking her through a dating website? Through text message before the date? When you ask for her number do you want her to say "555-111-3333. Oh yeah, btw, i am celibate." LOL.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 4:25 PM

          Being Celibate Is A LARGE Part Of Her Life. Why Would She Be Ashamed To Talk About It? It Connects To Her Religious Beliefs, Her Values And How She Carries Herself. It's Not Some Small Secondary Topic.

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 4:43 PM

            Lincoln?!? From the moment you meet her you want to know this? LOL. I am not laughing at you but this is just high-larious to me. I would give a dude a hard side eye if when he is getting my number he says btw, i am celibate. I mean, can we at least break bread first or have a glass of water?

            Where do they do this at?

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 4:47 PM

            Honestly, I Wouldn't Be Offended If You Laugh At Me, Because I'm Telling You Exactly What Works For Me.

            If You're Celibate And You DON'T Mention That To Me Until After Multiple Dates, What Did You Achieve? Some Nice Dinners And Funny Convo?

            Not From My Perspective. We Just Wasted Each Other's Time, Because After That Date I'm Gonna Tell You "It Was Real" And I'm On To Finding Someone More In Tune With My Own Personal Value System.

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 5:02 PM

            So you dont need to know this before you date? Ok good. Again, like i said, around date 2 or 3, this would probably come up but i thought you were saying you needed to know this ASAP.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 5:08 PM

            No I'm Saying I DO Need To Know And Celibate Women Have NEVER Had A Problem Telling Me That Well In Advance. I'm Cool With These Women But We Never Pursued Anything Romantic Or Wasted Time Attempting To Date Because Our Views On Sex And Relationships Are Diametrically Opposed.

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 5:18 PM

            I guess i just can't see where this comes up before the date. Again, i would feel some type of way if a dude asks me while getting my number if he will be able to hit it or not. Oh well.

          • bornscorpion

            07/17/2012 at 4:35 AM

            Generally, potential issues are revealed and/or discussed in the initial phone call(s) prior to the first date. Especially if you chat with someone long enough and listen. For me, that first phone conversation serves as the icebreaker or deal breaker depending upon what's said.

          • ChloeRayne516

            07/17/2012 at 10:38 AM

            Truth!!!! alot of the above questions are usually hashed out via phone calls/emails/text, whatever long before we even get to the dinner table, from what i've experienced ALOT of men do this early on as to NOT waste their time and WALLET.

          • iamkeishabrown

            07/16/2012 at 4:57 PM

            is celibacy always connected to religious beliefs?

            it's definitely a value thing – and maintain if you are TRYING to get to know ALL of her, you should take the time to get to know her.

            if you don't mesh – fine – but this whole notion of trying to avoid wasting time, when dating is EXACTLY that is so false.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 5:03 PM

            Completely Disagree.

            Everyone Has Their Own Standards And Non-Negotiables. If You Are Waiting Until Marriage That's HER Non-Negotiable And Me Saying That I DON'T Want To Date A Woman Waiting Until Marriage Is Mine.

            How Exactly Is Dating Someone You Would Have To Inherently Compromise Your Values For NOT Wasting Time?

          • MistaHarsh

            07/16/2012 at 5:36 PM

            I could be wrong but I think the ladies respect your non-negotiables they just don't understand why its a deal breaker for you.

            I think you explained it in your response to my question earlier.

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 6:03 PM

            For me, i just don't understand how you even bring this up before the first date or even on the first date. How does that work out? Where do you even start?

          • MistaHarsh

            07/16/2012 at 8:49 PM

            From what linc said about "triggers" and such, I guess the easiest way to explain it is …dating a celibate person is like a hetero dating a gay person. You're approaching the dating game from two different positions that couldn't be more distinctly opposed and extremely unique that it makes absolutely no sense to not inform the other person of what your expectations are from the start.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 8:56 PM

            Exactly!

          • mena

            07/16/2012 at 10:25 PM

            Got you. But can't this be done for anything sex related and when does it become too much? I guess that depends on the two people involved.

            Great way to explain it.

            To bring up sex so early just seems like that's all that we want from each other.

          • fourpageletter

            07/16/2012 at 10:36 PM

            thank you. that makes sense to me!

      • @IamSomethngElse

        07/16/2012 at 4:34 PM

        Why wouldn't you date a celibate woman? I ask because I am celibate but also a good woman and I need to know what is other men think about me. Not saying they all have your viewpoint just curious.

  6. CKJ

    07/16/2012 at 9:45 AM

    Yea, I personally think it's kind of arrogant and rude to assume someone should bring up celibacy on the first date. I'm not the type to want to have sex on the first date though with a woman I really want to build something with.If there are multiple dates I think it would be mature to bring it up by the 3rd or 4th one though.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 1:02 PM

      If I'm Not Celibate Then We Are Wasting Each Other's Time – What's The Point Of That?

      • CKJ

        07/16/2012 at 2:19 PM

        If sex is on your mind so soon (and obviously not hers so much) then why are you wasting her time? The same logic says let her know up front how soon you want to have sex. And if she doesn't like your answer she can skate. Both mindsets have a tinge of selfishness to them. Both I think are okay though IMO. People could equally judge and have issue with both. What makes you think the onus should be on her because she h as a vagina/doesn't fit what you think is the social norm?

        • CKJ

          07/16/2012 at 2:31 PM

          And lol at the thought of celibate people only dating other people who identified themselves as the same. If that was the case celibate people would only use dating websites catered towards celibate people. LMAO. If there weren't people who were willing to date a celibate person I'm sure they all would mention it up front. Being that there are and it's not as strange as you think it's not a huge issue to wait until the 2nd or third date.

        • MistaHarsh

          07/16/2012 at 3:51 PM

          good point I just played that out in my head
          "Hi I'm Harsh, and on average I usually fcuk on the 2nd date, so if there isn't going to be one…..don't waste my time!"

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/16/2012 at 4:30 PM

          Successful Dating Is Inherently Based On Being Selfish.

          It is My Belief That A Successful Relationship Is Based On A Mental, Emotional And Physical Connection (You Can Add Spiritual If You Are Religious), And I Personally Want ALL Of Those Connections To Click 100% Before I Even Entertain The THOUGHT Of Spending The REST Of My Natural Life With Any Woman.

          The Ideology That I'm "Sex-Crazed" Just Because I Don't Believe In Abstinence Is Somewhat Insane To Me. I'm Not Asking Her When WE Are Gonna Have Sex, But SHE Should Be Able To Clearly State A Decision That Effects Such A Large Part Of Her Life.

          • iamkeishabrown

            07/16/2012 at 4:56 PM

            you make this determination based on 1 factoid she told you on the 1st date?

            aren't men always telling women to relax and not try to take things soo far (like planning wedding bells etc) so early in a relationship? this isn't even a relationship yet – it's just DATES!!

            but instead of pointing fingers, i would like to know the solution. either you share parts of you early (and deal with the consequences) or don't (and still deal with consequences).

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            07/16/2012 at 5:06 PM

            Honestly, I Don't Care What Other Men Tell Women. Most People [Male & Female] SUCK At Dating In My Opinion.

            I Just Spoke At An Event Yesterday With A Room Full Of Celibate And Abstinent Women, So THEY Confirmed My Determinations THEMSELVES. They Are Looking For A Spiritual, Emotional And Mental Connection So They Can Get Married And THEN Explore The Physical.

  7. Adonis

    07/16/2012 at 10:49 AM

    Great Post

  8. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/16/2012 at 1:00 PM

    Thanks But Where's Your List??

  9. iamkeishabrown

    07/16/2012 at 3:54 PM

    while i disagree with the celibacy thing and 1st date (i agree it should be mentioned BEFORE any emotional attachments start to happen).

    this just boils down to a man not wanting to waste money (let's be real) on a woman he has no chance of getting pu$$y from. and that's cool – but don't be surprised when you are painted with a dog brush as a result and claim you want a woman that knows herself and doesn't subscribe to the hoes be winning, so lemme do anything i need to do to get/keep the attention of a man theory.

    i agree with your list and asking what someone does is key for me, but if they like what they do is even more important. people spend too much time at work and any negativity from it – bleeds into other aspects of life.

    ironically enough, i've been told on more than one occasion from fellas i went out on dates with that asking what he does is akin to gold-digging. -_-

    cant win.

    • MistaHarsh

      07/16/2012 at 4:38 PM

      Just like the book of parenting is one sided so too is the book of men.

      Men get defensive when you ask what they do for a living because by me telling you, I've also told you how much I earn. Maybe you should try re-wording the question to : "So to you love what you do for a living?" That way you show your interest in his likes/dislikes/thoughts instead of showing you care about if he can take care of you. If a guy likes is job regardless of how much it pays he'll be excited to share it and won't even notice that you've still indirectly found out how much money he earns…

      • iamkeishabrown

        07/16/2012 at 4:59 PM

        fair enough. i honestly don't care about how much a man makes.
        if its the first date – it's simply fact-finding and nothing more. he owes me nothing.

        i figured asking what do you do vs where do you work would have been a way of softening the financial aspect…but clearly not.

        i'll keep that in mind for the future.
        thanks!

        *the more you know shooting star*

  10. up4dsn

    07/16/2012 at 8:05 PM

    Your list was on point. I'm sure there are other things I could add to that list, but I think those are the core questions that must be asked.

    I think another question that is just important to ask is, 'How many people actually ask those questions before a first date?' It amazes me how often people will ignore the most important things following some other agenda. I know it doesn't apply to everyone, but it still amazes me.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/16/2012 at 8:57 PM

      I Feel You!

      People Do Little To No Investigation Of WHO They Are Actually Dating And Then Have The Nerve To Be Surprised When All Types Of Shit Just Starts Popping Up.

      • bornscorpion

        07/17/2012 at 5:00 AM

        So what do you think of ppl performing background checks?

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          07/17/2012 at 6:35 AM

          I Actually Wrote An Article In SUPPORT Of That A LOOOONG TIme Ago (One Of The First Blogs I Put On This Site)
          http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2010/08/in-go

          • up4dsn

            07/17/2012 at 8:43 PM

            That's wild! I posed that question on my site about a month ago. The response were all over the page. Some people were total advocates for it and others thought it was a total violation.

        • up4dsn

          07/17/2012 at 8:48 PM

          I honestly think it boils down to trust. If I trust a woman I wouldn't get a background check on her. What about you? Would you o have you ever gotten a background check on someone you were dating or considered dating?

          • bornscorpion

            07/17/2012 at 10:45 PM

            I've never run a background check on someone but I'm not opposed to it when used to screen potential mates. I think it's especially useful for single parents who are dating. They have to take extra precautions when it comes to ppl they're considering bringing around their kids. Besides, our so-called privacy is already out there for the world to see anyway so why trip? Everything outside of SSN and acct number(s) are public records.

          • up4dsn

            07/17/2012 at 11:15 PM

            That's a good point. I agree that it would be very beneficial for parents. My question is would the background check be used in ALL circumstance or only in certain cases where you feel like someone may be hiding something? I ask this because, protection is important, but so is trust. Wouldn't we want to show someone we are interested in, and who's interested in us, that we trust them to be honest with us?

  11. Aboriginal

    07/17/2012 at 1:52 AM

    As long as her being celibate doesn't mean "I'm only giving up the nani when I'm good and ready, this guy is gonna be waiting a long time for this", then I'm all up for that type of relationship. I do believe in getting to know a person first, see if their is any chemistry, bonding with each other, I just don't want to be taken for a ride because she thinks her nani is the prize, wrong, you as a whole are the prize.

    I'd also let you know that I do want to have sex with you, but I'm not gonna disrespect you or your beliefs/values. All I ask is that you don't hold me to some crazy notion that I have sex at the top of the list when looking for a relationship. There's more to men than sex and sports.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/17/2012 at 3:55 AM

      Preach!

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