The 5 Things You MUST Reveal To Someone BEFORE Your 1st Date

Finding out if she dated one of your cousins is something you might want to ask too..

Last week I received a message from a dude stating that I should write a post about celibate women who date men without first clarifying they are waiting until marriage to have sex BEFORE they begin dating. As I read that, I was APPALLED that any woman would actually NOT mention the fact that she is abstinent PRIOR to beginning a relationship with a dude and waiting until he is emotionally invested to bring it up. But then I got to thinking that men AND women are BOTH guilty of keeping important parts of their lives secret WELL into the dating process, when they should be coming out and announcing their situation even before the first date. Although this list could technically be 187 items along, I have trimmed it down to the top 5.

#1 You MUST Reveal IF You Have Children & How Many

The ideology that this information is only reserved for people you are “seriously” seeing is a load of BULLSH*T. If you have children, you should be announcing that [proudly, I might add] well in advance of the first date to give that person time to decide whether or not they can handle being in that situation. Some people can’t, and regardless of how you may feel about them, you CAN’T knock them for being cognizant of what they want, and you DEFINITELY can’t overwhelm them with such important info AFTER they’re already committed to you. How MANY you have should not be a secret either. Who wants to walk into something like THIS:

#2 How Your LAST Relationship Ended

Look, no one is entitled to know your business and the private details surrounding your most intimate moments with your ex. That’s obviously YOUR business and no one else’s. BUT, if you are thinking about dating someone and your LAST relationship ended with a restraining order, how the HELL do you leave that information out of the initial talking stage? if your last relationship ended with a family law trial, or someone calling someone else’s cousin to beat the hell out of them, or someone being arrested, your drama will become your NEW date’s drama as SOON as y’all go out in public. Give ’em a heads up.

#3 Are You Clean And When Last Were You Checked

I don’t have ANY right to know WHO you slept with, WHEN was the last time you slept with someone and WHAT their name is – but I am entitled to know if your burning like the rim in NBA Jam on Super Nintendo.

#4 Are They Employed And Do They LOVE What They Do

I have written numerous times on this site about the personal importance of LOVING what you do, so you want to ensure that you are starting a potential relationship with someone who not only has a plan, money in the bank and ambition, but someone who LOVES the life they are leading. It’s cool to make a lot of money, but if your career makes you a miserable-beeyotch then I don’t wanna deal with you, employed or not. Now If they DON’T even have a job or business and you DON’T clarify that right from the start, be prepared to have to INVESTIGATE them months later about what they do:

#5 Your Previous Marriage Experience

If you are divorced, that HAS to be a BEFORE first-date conversation. That event not only shapes your current mind state on dating, but it also says A LOT about what may be going on in your life RIGHT NOW. Your new date has the right to know that you had such a SIGNIFICANT emotional-event happen to you, although they DON’T need to know the musty details.

But ladies and gentlemen, we KNOW this is A LOT of information people would PREFER to hide from you, so if you decide to date someone without confirming these 5 things up above, prepare to date that potentially-frowsy ass person at YOUR own risk.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

102 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/16/2012 at 4:17 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Let's Create A List: What Are The 5 Most Important Things YOU MUST Know About Someone Before The First Date?

  2. mena

    07/16/2012 at 6:44 AM

    Simply, their name. I guess I'm just different. The first date is my time to get to know you. Too often, myself included, people judge too quickly without getting to know the person first. Save that information for dates 1 or 2. By the second date, I would have asked you, if you are married, have kids, been sexually involved with a man (the ladies know this question now needs to be asked), education, job, etc. I am all for not wasting someone's time but if you need to know these things before you even go out on a date, send that person a questionnaire through email and have them fill it out before you even call them to ask them out for drinks or dinner.

  3. petersburgh

    07/16/2012 at 6:46 AM

    I don't have a list per se but you hit the nail on the head. I also ask women if they can deal with blunt honesty because that's truly me. It's funny this week's podcast spoke of that because all have said they can deal with it but really can't.

    I seriously cannot believe that the woman DID NOT let him know she was celibate. Now that's dishonesty to me. It's also deceptive that she waited until he was caught up to tell him this suggesting she wanted to "rope" him in. Details like that must be divulged as soon as possible.

  4. @IamSomethngElse

    07/16/2012 at 6:48 AM

    People still date??? Who knew!! Let's see….my list goes beyond 5 so I'll try to condense it.
    1. Employed and if unemployed how long, what reason, and how they're supporting theirself and children in the mean time. I understand that some people fall on hard times but if he's on his third year of unemployment checks then I'll pass. #next
    2. Any children, how many to how many mothers and how often do you spend time with them. This is important because I have children myself and I don't want it looking like I run a daycare when we go out together eventually. I also CAN'T stand a man who doesn't take care of his kids or that has baby mama drama. Don't take me out to Applebee's if your kids need school clothes. #priorities. Don't tell me about your baby mama drama or tell me how horrible she is either, you slept w/ her. #next
    I'll make these last three short…my bad.
    3. Whether or not you have money in the bank or do you just spend.
    4. If you smoke
    5. If you drink

    Ok I'm done…even though there's more.

  5. MistaHarsh

    07/16/2012 at 8:51 AM

    is this referring to online dating because if this is all established before the first date there's not much to do on the first date but have sex.

    As for as telling someone you're celibate, I have second thoughts on that. As a guy damn straight I'd want to know but on the flip side do people who are have sex declare that before a first date? Usually its revealed as things progress whether sex is even a part of the equation because even if they do have sex it doesn't mean they're having it with you… so why is it an obligation so early? Let's get to know each other first before you tell me we ain't fcuking

  6. CKJ

    07/16/2012 at 9:45 AM

    Yea, I personally think it's kind of arrogant and rude to assume someone should bring up celibacy on the first date. I'm not the type to want to have sex on the first date though with a woman I really want to build something with.If there are multiple dates I think it would be mature to bring it up by the 3rd or 4th one though.

  7. Adonis

    07/16/2012 at 10:49 AM

    Great Post

  8. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/16/2012 at 1:00 PM

    Thanks But Where's Your List??

  9. iamkeishabrown

    07/16/2012 at 3:54 PM

    while i disagree with the celibacy thing and 1st date (i agree it should be mentioned BEFORE any emotional attachments start to happen).

    this just boils down to a man not wanting to waste money (let's be real) on a woman he has no chance of getting pu$$y from. and that's cool – but don't be surprised when you are painted with a dog brush as a result and claim you want a woman that knows herself and doesn't subscribe to the hoes be winning, so lemme do anything i need to do to get/keep the attention of a man theory.

    i agree with your list and asking what someone does is key for me, but if they like what they do is even more important. people spend too much time at work and any negativity from it – bleeds into other aspects of life.

    ironically enough, i've been told on more than one occasion from fellas i went out on dates with that asking what he does is akin to gold-digging. -_-

    cant win.

  10. up4dsn

    07/16/2012 at 8:05 PM

    Your list was on point. I'm sure there are other things I could add to that list, but I think those are the core questions that must be asked.

    I think another question that is just important to ask is, 'How many people actually ask those questions before a first date?' It amazes me how often people will ignore the most important things following some other agenda. I know it doesn't apply to everyone, but it still amazes me.

  11. Aboriginal

    07/17/2012 at 1:52 AM

    As long as her being celibate doesn't mean "I'm only giving up the nani when I'm good and ready, this guy is gonna be waiting a long time for this", then I'm all up for that type of relationship. I do believe in getting to know a person first, see if their is any chemistry, bonding with each other, I just don't want to be taken for a ride because she thinks her nani is the prize, wrong, you as a whole are the prize.

    I'd also let you know that I do want to have sex with you, but I'm not gonna disrespect you or your beliefs/values. All I ask is that you don't hold me to some crazy notion that I have sex at the top of the list when looking for a relationship. There's more to men than sex and sports.

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