The Most Addictive & Destructive Sex Ever: The Dysfunctional Relationship Slam

From fighting to f*^king and back again..

This is a post that everyone should be able to relate to, seeing as the only people who have never experienced a dysfunctional relationship are inexperienced virgins and frowsy-ass folk who been in nothing BUT dysfunctional relationships, so their musty behinds can’t tell the difference. See, I have a theory which states that the opposite of LOVE is not HATE [nor vice versa], because the opposite emotion is actually INDIFFERENCE. Well, a bad relationship has a LOT of indifference, but a truly DYSFUNCTIONAL one has absolutely NO indifference at ALL [You definitely feel SOMETHING for the dude who got your cousin pregnant, or the beeyotch that smashed the one co-worker at your job you HATE]. Now I have another theory that states the best sex you can ever have is getting it in with someone you love – but seeing as we are correlating love and hate as similar emotions, it creates this weird yet enjoyable thing called ‘Dysfunctional Relationship Slamming.’

Dysfunctional relationships start out normal and enjoyable for the most part, and somewhere along the line it takes an excessively frowsy turn for the worst. You begin to despise this person and resent your relationship – but you still LOVE that person, so the common sense solution of packing your things and leaving becomes nothing more than a last resort. You constantly fight with this person and your relationship is always in a perilous and precarious situation – yet you can’t get enough of each other physically, because as much as your mental state is SCREAMING for you to move on, your heart and your richard/nani are not even CLOSE to being ready to let that person go. This perpetual state of conflict and sex has NOTHING to do with make-up sex, because you never really make up AT ALL – you just continue to have great orgasms in a not-so-great relationship.

Fellas, y’all can stop me when ANY of this sounds familiar:

You come home and you are just chilling, minding your business and watching TV, when your girl comes in the room and decides to join you. While y’all are sitting there, your phone beeps indicating you have a text message, so you check it, laugh to yourself and message the person back. Your lady asks who you are talking to and what’s so funny and you explain it’s just a joke between you and a friend. “A female friend?!” she asks. To which you reply yes, touching off a long ignorant argument that starts from how you NEVER pay her any attention all the way to you MUST be cheating with this girl who texted you. Sh*t gets outta hand, and you both say things you can’t take back, until you break up and she starts crying and you are sitting there confused as all hell. So you calm her down by giving her a hug – which turns into a deep kiss, which creates the initial momentum for your tongue to begin exploring her body.

You both kiss deeply flicking your tongues together and then slowly but surely you end up sorting kissing her neck, running your hands down her shirt and removing her bra and next thing you know, you are both naked and you are deep inside of her. You fall asleep in a sweaty, happy heap, only to wake up to her swinging a frying pan at your face for cheating on her last night – in her dream.

Ladies, y’all can stop me when ANY of this sounds familiar:

You are having a convo with your dude when you ask him a question that he takes extremely personally for some reason, resulting in him hanging up the phone in your ears. When you see him later that night at home, he gets in your ass, touching off a HUGE argument over some bullish*t misunderstanding that was not even really a big deal. But now you are both seriously considering walking away from the relationship, and just before your EGO takes you out of the door, you two actually have a moment of reasoning, which leads to a slight smile, a long kiss and a passionate night of long-stroking and hard orgasms – just to wake up and essentially pick up the fight right where you left off.

Dysfunctional relationship slamming is some of the BEST sex you will ever have because of how DEEPLY you care about the person you’re with, but it’s also extremely destructive because it helps prolong your terrible relationship by letting your physical connection overshadow your LACK of emotional connectivity. Now I’m not telling you to STOP having this sex – but I will suggest you wrap it up, before you compound a moment of dysfunction into at least 18 years of continued annoyance. 

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

8 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/19/2012 at 6:50 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Have YOU Ever Experienced Dysfunctional Relationship Slamming?? What Are YOUR Thoughts On It??

  2. petersburgh

    07/19/2012 at 12:44 PM

    I don't think there's anyone who hasn't experience that. I think it was what it was at the time and now it's just a dormant memory

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/19/2012 at 1:32 PM

      Good Point.

    • bornscorpion

      07/19/2012 at 1:46 PM

      I agree… most ppl outgrow this type of relationship. Once you mature, you don't care for all that drama and headache. Been there done that. I refuse to have someone come along and try to disrupt the peace in my life b/c of their own insecurities.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        07/19/2012 at 2:04 PM

        Yeah I Think Once You've Been In A Dysfunctional Relationship You Have A Road Map For What NOT To Do Ever Again.

  3. NurseJilly

    07/19/2012 at 1:35 PM

    Oh the memories… lol

    Did this for several months before finally cutting ties with my ex.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/19/2012 at 2:04 PM

      Been There Too.

      Praise The LAWD There Was No Pregnancy During That Time.

  4. uncle gryph

    07/24/2012 at 9:44 AM

    the reality is dysfunctional behaviour is fore-play for emotionally damaged and damaging people. it is the quiet and far-reaching sado-masochism in embedded in everyday life.

    it is a form of sexual dysfunction too. really, male or female, if you can't just get going and throw down, or at least deliver a four-star performance even when half-interested then you shouldn't be boring and ruining people with your `emotional' build-up.

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