To All The Abstinent Men & Women Out There Looking For LOVE (I Got An Idea!)

Man I wish y’all could see me as I type this article right now, because I have a big-ass Kool-Aid smile on my face. I’m actually kind of excited right now because I believe I have found a way for ultra-religious, abstinent men and women to find LOVE in a world where stating you’re “waiting for marriage” can be seen as a HUGE turn-off to many people – people like me. Now this idea may already be practiced and VERY popular in the religious community – but I wouldn’t know that since I would feel more comfortable stepping in a Church’s Chicken before I step into an actual Church – so cut me some slack. But here’s my idea: Churches [especially Black Christian ones] should start advocating and organizing ARRANGED MARRIAGES.

Now hear me out, before you get ready to roll your damn eyes and start cussing. The reality is that the church views marriage as a blessed and highly-favoured event, and many people IN the church would love to be married and have children in wedlock. But the facts are, many men and women are going romantically unfulfilled in their quest for finding love while remaining chaste. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT stating ALL of them are, but to ignore that there is a significant number of unmarried, abstinent people in the church is just wilful ignorance. I DON’T believe these men and women should start smashing down the place BEFORE marriage in order to find love, because that’s just ridiculous. It IS possible to date, find love and get married WITHOUT even having to cross first-base – ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

If you are abstinent [and I don’t mean born-again virgins, or the “everything-but-vaginal-penetration” crowd] it is of the utmost importance that you find love while STILL remaining true to your belief system – and I have devised a PROGRAM that will help you do JUST that, which I call: The LINCOLN ‘ABSTINENCE’ BLADES PROGRAM.

Oh & the motto for my program: "Put your future FIRST and your soggy nani LAST"

Step ONE: The 24 Shot Clock Rule

You see how California has the “3 strikes and you’re out” law which is essentially modelled after baseball? Well I have created the “24 Shot Clock” rule based on Basketball. Every young man and woman has up until their 24th birthday to find a girlfriend and/or boyfriend, and if they CAN’T, they must sit down with their pastor and family and make a HARSH decision: Do you want to continue waiting in vain or would you like to be entered into the MIX. If the FAMILY UNIT decides NO than that person is free to continue searching [or just being single and unattached if they want] BUT the next time they are eligible to be put in the MIX is at age 29 and if they reject it again, their ass is on their own.

Step TWO: The MIX

Let’s be honest about something – most churches today have young, cool, charismatic and intelligent pastors. These young men and women would sit down with the families and decide on matches for their son or daughter TOGETHER by choosing from a MIXTURE of available people [First pick goes to the family with the highest tithes].


What makes the Lincoln ‘ABSTINENCE’ Blades program so unique is that 3 special chaperoned dates are organized beforehand [as the pre-engagement] instead of just making them meet on their wedding day or some madness like that. At the end of the 3-dates [complete with no touching, holding or excessively intimate staring], the man must get on one knee and present the ring to her and she can accept it, followed by a quick, non-groin touching hug.


A beautiful ceremony complete with all the magic of their religious traditions.


Ol’ dude finally gets to bust that 2-minute nut he has been holding back like one of Ron Artests’ teammates in an on-court brawl for 24 years, and she gets to, well, experience the pain and discomfort of her first time.

You wont have to half-step your abstinence in my program!


Let’s be honest here people, a relationship needs at LEAST three strong connections to be successful, and for most of us non-asbstinent people those pillars are MENTAL, EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL [And for some religious people you can add SPIRITUAL to that mix]. But the great thing [for them] about being abstinent is that you replace the PHYSICAL component with the SPIRITUAL component, therefore erasing any concerns on whether she can deep throat, or if he is hung and can beat it up because to them IT DOESN’T MATTER.

My program would allow Abstinent people to still search for love, then get arranged to be married while still young and attractive, have a short 3-date test run with their future wife/husband, and then ultimately get hitched with the blessing of the church by hooking up with someone as spiritual and principled as themselves.

I think we got a winner here people!

This Is Your Conscience

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When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.