Man I wish y’all could see me as I type this article right now, because I have a big-ass Kool-Aid smile on my face. I’m actually kind of excited right now because I believe I have found a way for ultra-religious, abstinent men and women to find LOVE in a world where stating you’re “waiting for marriage” can be seen as a HUGE turn-off to many people – people like me. Now this idea may already be practiced and VERY popular in the religious community – but I wouldn’t know that since I would feel more comfortable stepping in a Church’s Chicken before I step into an actual Church – so cut me some slack. But here’s my idea: Churches [especially Black Christian ones] should start advocating and organizing ARRANGED MARRIAGES.
Now hear me out, before you get ready to roll your damn eyes and start cussing. The reality is that the church views marriage as a blessed and highly-favoured event, and many people IN the church would love to be married and have children in wedlock. But the facts are, many men and women are going romantically unfulfilled in their quest for finding love while remaining chaste. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT stating ALL of them are, but to ignore that there is a significant number of unmarried, abstinent people in the church is just wilful ignorance. I DON’T believe these men and women should start smashing down the place BEFORE marriage in order to find love, because that’s just ridiculous. It IS possible to date, find love and get married WITHOUT even having to cross first-base – ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
If you are abstinent [and I don't mean born-again virgins, or the "everything-but-vaginal-penetration" crowd] it is of the utmost importance that you find love while STILL remaining true to your belief system – and I have devised a PROGRAM that will help you do JUST that, which I call: The LINCOLN ‘ABSTINENCE’ BLADES PROGRAM.
Oh & the motto for my program: "Put your future FIRST and your soggy nani LAST"
Step ONE: The 24 Shot Clock Rule
You see how California has the “3 strikes and you’re out” law which is essentially modelled after baseball? Well I have created the “24 Shot Clock” rule based on Basketball. Every young man and woman has up until their 24th birthday to find a girlfriend and/or boyfriend, and if they CAN’T, they must sit down with their pastor and family and make a HARSH decision: Do you want to continue waiting in vain or would you like to be entered into the MIX. If the FAMILY UNIT decides NO than that person is free to continue searching [or just being single and unattached if they want] BUT the next time they are eligible to be put in the MIX is at age 29 and if they reject it again, their ass is on their own.
Step TWO: The MIX
Let’s be honest about something – most churches today have young, cool, charismatic and intelligent pastors. These young men and women would sit down with the families and decide on matches for their son or daughter TOGETHER by choosing from a MIXTURE of available people [First pick goes to the family with the highest tithes].
Step THREE: The COURTING
What makes the Lincoln ‘ABSTINENCE’ Blades program so unique is that 3 special chaperoned dates are organized beforehand [as the pre-engagement] instead of just making them meet on their wedding day or some madness like that. At the end of the 3-dates [complete with no touching, holding or excessively intimate staring], the man must get on one knee and present the ring to her and she can accept it, followed by a quick, non-groin touching hug.
Step FOUR: The WEDDING DAY
A beautiful ceremony complete with all the magic of their religious traditions.
Step FIVE: The WEDDING NIGHT
Ol’ dude finally gets to bust that 2-minute nut he has been holding back like one of Ron Artests’ teammates in an on-court brawl for 24 years, and she gets to, well, experience the pain and discomfort of her first time.
You wont have to half-step your abstinence in my program!
Let’s be honest here people, a relationship needs at LEAST three strong connections to be successful, and for most of us non-asbstinent people those pillars are MENTAL, EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL [And for some religious people you can add SPIRITUAL to that mix]. But the great thing [for them] about being abstinent is that you replace the PHYSICAL component with the SPIRITUAL component, therefore erasing any concerns on whether she can deep throat, or if he is hung and can beat it up because to them IT DOESN’T MATTER.
My program would allow Abstinent people to still search for love, then get arranged to be married while still young and attractive, have a short 3-date test run with their future wife/husband, and then ultimately get hitched with the blessing of the church by hooking up with someone as spiritual and principled as themselves.
I think we got a winner here people!
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43 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies & Gentlemen, Can The LINCOLN "ABSTINENCE" BLADES Program Be Effective In Assisting Abstinent Men And Women With Getting Married?!?
Jul 6th, 2012
Crystals_Back
I am literally in tears after reading this!!
*Immediately runs to computer to buy stock in gasoline underwear for everyone who laughs at this tomorrow*
LMAOOOO!!!!
Jul 6th, 2012
@jessicaw1981
I am literally howling with laughter!!!! But you know what?! Ive been saying this exact thing for years! I grew up in the church. Got married as a virgin … Sadly my ex was a cut up. Divorce! the lust, economics & stupidity we base our reasons 4 getting married on would be better off as a bizness deal.
Jul 6th, 2012
Crystals_Back
I'm sorry girl but I gotta ask…
what was the first time like???
Jul 6th, 2012
Independent Woman
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but tongue-in-cheek joke or not, THIS is an option that can actually help a lot of people in the church, abstinent or not..
But I'm still SMH @ you.
IW
Jul 6th, 2012
@DoWuSem
Jokes!
Jul 6th, 2012
J. A. Johnson
I like the program. As a Muslim man that's cool with waiting for a woman that doesn't want sex till marriage and have come across numerous women that are even more old fashion and traditional than myself…this sounds like something that can work for some. My problem though….I need the dating process to basically see who they really are. Everyone will be on their best behavior for those three dates. We don't need to get physical…but I need time to see what I'm getting into. Nevertheless…some people would go for this program. How do I invest lol?
Jul 6th, 2012
GrandCentral
Lincoln, you are dead wrong for this one.
Jul 6th, 2012
NikiiB
I wonder if that's how Meagan Good did it?? It seemed to work for her.
Hmmmm…
Jul 6th, 2012
mena
I actually don't have a probem with arranged marriages. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't sort of like regular marriages.
I will say this, even though I understand that this post was a joke, why don't we allow people to get married the way that they see fit without judgement. No one has the perfect answer for making a marriage work so to each their own.
Jul 6th, 2012
NurseJilly
LMAO @this post. I actually think it would work all jokes aside.
Jul 6th, 2012
DBoySlim
I have to agree.
Jul 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
Crystal you have some nerve asking the girl that question…..so tell us did it hurt?
Jul 6th, 2012
Independent Woman
SMH!!
Jul 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
LOL@the 24 shot clock rule although it does have a point…I have a theory about people who are still "searching" for a good man/woman in their 30s
Jul 6th, 2012
iluvwhoiluv
This has me chuckling, but all chuckling aside…maybe this could be worth a shot.
Jul 6th, 2012
iluvwhoiluv
I look forward to seeing your take on this.
Jul 6th, 2012
Vicky
Like that was any better!!!! LOL!!!
Jul 6th, 2012
Vicky
MistaHarsh, please enlighten me with this theory if yours
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
LoL
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
I'm Telling You There's A Recipe For Success In Arranged Marriage..
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
If It Was Anything Like This:
<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyh1b1Gwyt1r53h4fo1_500.gif">
Then I Don't Wanna Know..
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Hilarious!
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
In My Program, Only ABSTINENT People Would Be Allowed Into The MIX…Born Again Virgins KNOW What They Are Missing..
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Thanks For Reading
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
I Will Set Up An Account So Y'all Can Make Your Investments With A Receipt And High Return And All That! LoL
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Against Arranged Marriage?
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
No I Think She Was Just A Born-Again Virgin, So She Would Be Disqualified!
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Arranged Marriage Is My Very Serious Answer For Abstinent Church Folk
Jul 6th, 2012
Vicky
I believe you are on to something here, the only flaw is the 3 date rule. If according to the program you are allowing them to build their relationship to some what of a degree, they deserve a little more time to get to know each other. Maybe implement that at 29. At 24, allow like 3 months or something.
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
There's No Harm In Trying It…Then All Them Old Single Ladies Won't Have To Start Rumours About The Younger Women In Church Who Have The Pastors Attention!
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
If Everyone In The Church Was Married And Having Kids At 25 It May Be A Happier Place Since People Can Praise The Lord And Have The Occasional Orgasm Too
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
I'm Telling You! This Plan Is Not Terrible!
Jul 6th, 2012
J. A. Johnson
There is! Arranged marriages work. American marriages don't have a actual failure rate (even though people SAY its 50%, but that was created for hype), but arranged marriages work more than 90% of the time! That should say something.
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Churches Need To Start Investing In This Before I Create My Own Damn Arranged Christian Marriage Website!
Jul 6th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
They Deserve NO Time To Get To Know Each Other! LoL
This Is Still An Arranged Marriage, The 3 Dates Are Simply A Formality For Them To Actually See And Speak Before The Wedding Day…3 Months Puts Them At Too Much Risk Like Regular Dating
Jul 6th, 2012
NurseJilly
LMAO @this…
Jul 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
I'll write something on it sOon
Jul 6th, 2012
MistaHarsh
Article soon come
Jul 6th, 2012
Abu Husain
I actually know of a church where this is done. People aren't forced into it, but certain people are pointed out to them that they should marry around age 21 or so.
Jul 6th, 2012
Chelle
I like it!! Often thought the same thing myself but, NO FAIR!! We born agains need and can't find love tooo!! When u get 40 it gets hard. No Mather how good u keeps the body. There are more single woman than men in my church….in fact there's just one and he he has way too much baggage!!! And I don't mean kids. (forgive me lord)
Jul 7th, 2012
Vicky
What if the pastor and/or parents got it wrong? What would happen then? Just popped into my mind….
Your system should be a different form of a "regular" arranged marriage right? Why not allow the 24 year old the opportunity to date like a "normal" couple?
Jul 7th, 2012
Lola
I loved this post, unfortunately I wasn't religious and so at 23 I lost hope on finding another non-religious person who shared the same value of waiting until marriage and lost my virginity, but anyway before that I was an "everything beside penetration" type gal as you call it I must admit.
Sidenote: Heyyyy J.A. Johnson I'm willing to wait from this point forward
Oct 3rd, 2012
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