USEFUL Relationship Advice/Insight Is SUPPOSE To Hurt Your FEELINGS

How some women feel after reading blogs on the net..

Now that I’ve been blogging for just over two years, there is ONE complaint I am definitely familiar with when it comes to men and women who read this blog, as well as many others all over the relationship advice/insight blogosphere [especially when it comes to material MEN write]. The complaint is simply that many people [predominantly women] feel inundated with so much harsh advice, ruthless critiques, and horrific insights that it makes them feel negatively about the material they are reading, the dating scene in general and sometimes even themselves and their chances at finding love. If this is how YOU feel when reading THIS site – I’m GLAD.

Now I can’t speak for other websites and blogs because, to be honest, I am almost ALWAYS writing which leaves me little to no time to peruse other bloggers work, so I will speak for myself in this sense. I have NEVER written ONE mean-spirited post on this site and I always offer NOTHING but one man’s honest opinion and insights on the dating scene. While some writers may focus on over-the-top negativity or complete BS pandering in order to make women feel good about themselves, I believe the truth is ALWAYS the most helpful remedy to ANY situation. So if I’ve ever written anything that has hurt your feelings, I would like to say from the bottom of my heart, I’m genuinely HAPPY it did. F*^K your feelings.

Now when I say F*^K your feelings, I don’t mean F*^K your emotions, I mean F*^K that thing that is completely screwing you over in your own love life. And this goes for men and women of ALL ages, hell including myself: F*^K your feelings. Whenever someone announces to me that their feelings have been hurt over something they read, the first question I ask is: “How did you process it intellectually?” If the say “I don’t know” or some version of that, it means they haven’t processed the information intellectually and THAT’S a HUGE problem when it comes to dating. The best advice you get about relationships should cause an “AHA!” moment – a moment which flies in the face of what your FEELINGS may have you believing.

Please understand people that it’s our CONSCIENCE that tries to protect us, guide us and help us navigate through love and relationships, but often times we IGNORE it. It’s not that we are stupid and get our hearts broken because we didn’t KNOW better, because a lot of the time we are simply being WILFULLY IGNORANT of the truth we simply DON’T want to hear or address. But it’s COMPLETELY IGNORING your conscience and blindly following your FEELINGS that makes you stay in an unhappy relationship, or lets you continually be taken advantage of by some douchebag and/or makes you miss a frowsy ex that treated you like SH*T.

My definition of TRUE LOVE is when your mind and heart come together as one to realize you are BLESSED to have that person in your life. Without that symbiotic relationship, you will either find yourself in a heartbreaking union or walking away from the best thing that may have ever happened to you.

Just realize that our feelings, as a stand-alone perspective, SUCK. Our feelings are so arbitrary, irrational and stubborn that we will easily fight for things our conscience warns us against. Everyone of us receives USEFUL relationship insight and advice from our conscience EVERYDAY, but we IGNORE it, because it ANNOYS us. Our conscience keeps us up at night, whispering realities into our minds we DON’T want to hear. Our conscience will drive us to REQUIRE having our actions co-signed from friends, family members and even bloggers/writers in a vain attempt to overpower it – and it hurts our FEELINGS when we get NO-SIGNED in return.

But before you cuss, feel down, get mad or more depressed, I will ask that you allow your conscience into your relationship discussions with your heart. Whether you love or hate what your conscience tells you, it will definitely lead you down a path towards happier and more fulfilling relationships so you can STOP slamming your fists down on your keyboard in anger, and start going out and doing the Michelle Obama “Life’s Good” 2 step.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

30 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    07/23/2012 at 4:04 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe More Men Or Women Are Affected By Thinking MORE With Their Hearts Than Their Heads As It Relates To Sex, Dating And Relationships? Or Is It Just A Person To Person Thing?

  2. petersburgh

    07/23/2012 at 7:10 AM

    Human emotion is very powerful and the truth is most of us think with our hearts. NONE of us can say we have never. I do try to use my intellect and I do believe most of the time I do but sometimes the heart and the feeling of what we think it could turn out to be defeats the notion of what it actually is. Personally, I write how I see a situation and if it offends anyone out there I'm sorry. Sorry that you feel offended not that what I think offended you because it's how I see something and I'm not doing anyone any justice if I lie

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 1:22 PM

      Real Talk. Just Keep Writing And If Someone Takes It The Wrong Way Let THEM Deal With It.

  3. mena

    07/23/2012 at 9:31 AM

    I read your blog and BGAE b/c you don't sugar coat anything and also you aren't one sided in your critiques. If no one has every thanked you for this (especially the latter part) then i am giving you a big "thank you." Your language may be a tad harsh at times but I accept that b/c i accept your writing. I think that some people, myself included, get upset when the advice given is always "your gender/race/religious group/etc. aint worth a d@mn. It gets old. But when i can come to a site and have a critical balance, then i have found a site that works for me.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 1:21 PM

      Thanks For Reading Mena I Really Appreciate The Support!

      The Sites Out Here Talking About What Women NEED To Do And What Men HAVE To Do Should Be Called Out. And Then Laughed At.

  4. Vaughn

    07/23/2012 at 9:48 AM

    I've been following you for a while now but I must say, thank you for this post. This is definitely going to be forwarded to a few people.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 1:20 PM

      Thanks For Reading Vaughn!

  5. ZX2425

    07/23/2012 at 11:40 AM

    LMAO!!! I love the Michelle Obama closing!!! I also happen to LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. Whereas I'm gay and could give two shits about men and their ulterior motives….women who are complaining to you need a stiff one up the ass to wake themselves up. Seriously, you simply can't go on because now you know the truth….all that shit Ray Ray been telling you wasn't true and you just don't wanna take no more. Get yo ass up and do the two-step!!!! Either get busy living or get busy dying….either way, make moves.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 1:19 PM

      Co-Sign 100%! Thanks For Reading!

  6. iamkeishabrown

    07/23/2012 at 2:00 PM

    i dont think the problem isn't that women can't handle the truth, it's just that it's a one-sided truth. you are man. you date women. your perspective on that is skewed/biased.

    a lot of blogs want to tell women what to do/not do etc.. – but it's all based on the author's perspective and many times is contradictory to what other men will write. you can't deny that some people just write for page views and not really for the betterment of relations between men and women.

    many times, male bloggers want to tell women about themselves, not wanting an actual discussion (ie – trying to hear any sort of rebuttal/disagreement). of course that isn't fair and defeats the purpose of having comments. you don't get to choose how your message has been received and interpreted.

    your style of writing is brash/blunt/to the point, and your readers know this. that being said, sometimes the truth does hit too close to home and it hurts. some don't know how to register and handle that, others will say: 'you know what, that is me and i've been hiding the truth from myself. let me get better now that i know better'.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 2:31 PM

      I Think The Big Problem Is The Ideology That A Male Bloggers Truth Needs To Be Anything BUT One Sided.

      Let's Talk Facts For A Second: Male Bloggers Comprise A SMALL Percentage Of The Blogosphere. Before I Started This Blog, My Sister Brought Me Up To Speed On The Relationship Blogosphere And It Was FULL Of Women Making BS Statement, Grandiose Accusations And Terrible Generalizations – And There Was LITTLE To NO Discourse From A MALE Perspective. That Was A Large Impetus To Me Creating THIS Blog – To Show The OTHER Side That Men Are Horny, Misogynistic Troglodytes.

      That's Why I Find It HILARIOUS That Many Of The Same Women Who GO IN On Male Bloggers For Not "Writing Fair" Never Said Or Say A WORD To Female Bloggers Who Perpetuate More Or Equal Inflammatory And Abusive Commentaries. And YES, They Are JUST As Contradictory To What Other Women Write.

      Men Have Had To Deal With Women Telling US About OURSELVES Since Before Blogging Became Popular. I Have Spent The Majority Of My Adult Life Attempting To Debunk Negative Classifications That Men (Especially Black Men) Have Had To Deal With.

      So This Is Why A Lot Of People Can Miss Me With The Ideology That Somehow Men MUST Write In An Ultra-Compassionate, Ultra-Inclusive Way, Yet We, The Minority Of The Blogosphere, Are The Only Ones Held To That Standard.

      If The Truth Hits Too Close To Home To Any Reader, That Is Simply Their OWN Issue At The End Of The Day. That Isn't A Male/Female Issue, That's A HUMAN Issue That We ALL Have To Deal With. Life Can Not Stop Because You (Not You, But A General 'You') Aren't Ready To Hear Someone's HONEST Opinion About Something.

      • NurseJilly

        07/23/2012 at 3:30 PM

        Well said sir!!

      • Paul B.

        07/23/2012 at 4:32 PM

        Indeed

  7. iamkeishabrown

    07/23/2012 at 3:01 PM

    maybe it's my small e-world, but most relationship blogs these days are written by men. (at least the big/popular ones). why? because women want insight to how men think.

    everyone makes terrible generalizations about people. period. before, during and after the internet. that doesn't make it right. just makes it so.

    you have spent your life trying to debunk negative classifications, so have the same people that you are writing about. so that point is moot imo.

    obviously there are people who send you messages that prefer not to comment, but i don't think women are asking for Ultra-Compassionate, Ultra-Inclusive writing. if that was the case, you and BGAE probably wouldn't be as big/successful as you are. what i think women want sometimes is balance.

    if men want to be a part of a discussion, then they need to make themselves part of a discussion. there is no shortage of female opinion on blogs (blogger or commenter). sometimes i literally have to ask and @ fellas for their opinion.

    i am not saying that how the person takes your post is ON you. what i am saying is that YOU has the blogger can put your OPINION out there. but you don't get to control HOW it's received. no one is asking life to stop, or for you to shut your blog down (again, at least not publicly) – but by telling your readers to f*ck their feelings/emotions/whatever – you are discounting/disrespecting part of your audience. are you saying only the ones that give you hi-fives and agree with you are the only ones worth having as fans?

    it will be those same ones (esp if they are regulars) who will support your other endeavors. having an emotional reaction to something doesn't make anyone anything less than human.

    it's why people cry at movies/concerts/books/musical pieces – because that particular medium has evoked emotion in that person. you know exactly what emotions you are trying to stir up in people when you write certain posts and/or use certain words.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 3:49 PM

      Male Relationship Blogs May Be What's Hot In The Streets, But The Fact Is Men Are Definitely Outnumbered By Female Bloggers. If Women Truly Want Men's Insight On Sex & Relationships, It Is Up To The READER To Determine How To Build The Context Of A Conversation. It's NOT Fox News' Responsibility To Report The Liberal Side Of The News – It's My Job To Take A Story In From Fox, MSNBC, CNN, And My Local News And Then Use My Common Sense To Develop My Theory On A Topic.

      True Balance Is Derived From One's Ability To Parse Multiple Opinions, Not Demanding That One Person Attempt To Reflect The Opinions Of All. As A Blogger I Don't HAVE To Do Anything But Write THIS Blog Based On How I Think.

      But Ultimately Reading The Blog CAREFULLY Is The Most Important Part Of Visiting Any Site. This Post Is About "F*^k OUR Feelings" [Men AND WOMEN] And It Wasn't Addressed Exclusively At My Readers, It Was Written Including MYSELF. This Post Has To Do With Solely Using Your Feelings As A Measure Of How Good/Bad Relationship Advice Is, Which, In My Opinion, Is Problematic.

      As Much As I Can See Where You Are Coming From, You Are DEAD Wrong On Only ONE Point: I NEVER Attempt To Evoke Any Specific Emotion With ANYTHING I Write. That's A Dangerous Misnomer Because Once Someone Takes Something The Wrong Way, They Can Start Slandering The Writer As If It Was His Or Her Intent To Evoke THAT Specific Emotion From People. That's What Pissed Me Off About That Rape Post At VSB. All Those Women Were Willing To TORCH Him For That Post As If He Became A RAPIST Overnight.

      Emotional Responses Not Balanced With Intellectual Consideration Are Typically Ridiculous.

      • Adonis

        07/23/2012 at 5:19 PM

        Ah the rape post, I missed that one… I hope some male blogger (i.e. Me) has the brass steel balls to revisit that topic…

        Nice convo Linc & Keisha

  8. iamkeishabrown

    07/23/2012 at 4:16 PM

    1 – we will have to disagree on that. maybe it's a matter of who i follow (so consede to a certain bias), but there are certainly more men on the telling women what to do to find a man/be better in relationships than women telling women or women telling men how to be better in relationship blogs out there. again – it's about the audience.

    2 – no, you are correct. it is not up to fox news to be balanced. fox caters to, knows their audience. you with your particular writing style do the same.

    3 – i think you and i are saying the same thing – a blog post is written and a discussion ensues. whether you agree with the author or the commenter or not, is not the point. do you as the author encourage discussion from ALL your commenters, or do you just dismiss them as being emotional for reacting emotionally?

    4 – you write to be read. people comment to have their opinions viewed. both are equal parts of the equation.

    5 – of course some one is going to use their feelings about how they feel about the post. what else are they supposed to use? not everything can be analysed (LEAST of all relationship-related topics) with a surgical precision. i think that's unrealistic. just because it's YOUR blog, and YOUR opinion – doesn't make it RIGHT/FACT to anyone else.

    6 – while it may not be YOU specifically, you cannot deny that in the same way howard stern/rush limbaugh speaks to inflame people – that bloggers don't write for the sake of getting buzz/page views/panties.

    7 – there are many who could read all of my comments today and consider it emotional. i don't. im not walking around (or sitting at my desk) cussing your name, heart beating fast or tears welling up. i'm just answering the question you posed, based on my feelings and opinion.

    • mena

      07/23/2012 at 4:28 PM

      "3 – i think you and i are saying the same thing – a blog post is written and a discussion ensues. whether you agree with the author or the commenter or not, is not the point. do you as the author encourage discussion from ALL your commenters, or do you just dismiss them as being emotional for reacting emotionally?" I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from on this one.

      I also agree with what you are saying and Linc as well. From reading these 3 blogs (BGAE, TITYC, and VSB) the comments sections are completely different. It's hard, and somewhat unfair, to tell people not to feel a certain way about a topic. But it is not unfair or unreasonable to ask someone to think about what they read without too much emotion. They both go hand in hand and there wouldn't be comment sections to start a dialogue without some emotion and some critical thought process.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 4:44 PM

      No Issues With 1-4.

      5. Once Again, You Missed The Entire Point Of This Post. All I Am Simply Stating Is That Regardless Of Where You Get Your Relationship Advice From [Blogs, Your Friends, TV, Radio, Your Mother, A Teacher, etc.] You Need To Infuse The USE Of Your Conscience ALONG With Your Feelings. Please Stop Framing This Post As If My Focal Point Is On MY BLOG. That's Just Not What It Is And I Can't Keep Stressing That Enough.

      6. I Conceded That Point Above. But We Will Be Unable To Even See Eye To Eye As Long As This Discussion As Continually Framed As "The Evil That Male Writers Do" As If It's A Gender Based Issue. Female Bloggers Ae MORE Than Guilty Of The Same Ish So Why Keep Harping On It? That's Just The An Unfortunate Truth About Blogging. We Gotta Get Past It.

      7. But That's My Point. I've Met You So I Understand Exactly How You Communicate. The Thing With The Internet That Far Too Many People Do, Is Apply Stereotypical Qualities To An E-Personality So They Can Feel Better About Supporting Or Slandering That Person. All You Are Doing RIGHT NOW Is Stating Your Honest Beliefs About A Topic, But It Can Construed As MISANDRY. If It Is, How Can That Be YOUR Fault?

    • Adonis

      07/23/2012 at 5:24 PM

      What I see is an more evolved woman than the typical SweetAsses of the world…

      It is hard to take women seriously who at least cannot take the emotion out of the debate… Because with women there is always a bit of S*xual power play involved… It is extremely difficult to take that out of the equation…

      And also women have that damn hamster at play LINK

      It is what it is

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/24/2012 at 2:10 AM

      6 – May I Present My Counter? http://www.whataboutourdaughters.com/

  9. mena

    07/23/2012 at 4:27 PM

    "3 – i think you and i are saying the same thing – a blog post is written and a discussion ensues. whether you agree with the author or the commenter or not, is not the point. do you as the author encourage discussion from ALL your commenters, or do you just dismiss them as being emotional for reacting emotionally?" I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from on this one.

    I also agree with what you are saying and Linc as well. From reading these 3 blogs (BGAE, TITYC, and VSB) the comments sections are completely different. It's hard, and somewhat unfair, to tell people not to feel a certain way about a topic. But it is not unfair or unreasonable to ask someone to think about what they read without too much emotion. They both go hand in hand and there wouldn't be comment sections to start a dialogue without some emotion and some critical thought process.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 4:48 PM

      I Would Also Like To State That This Post Is NOT About Advice Solely Derived From BLOGS.
      I Think ALL People [Men AND WOMEN] Should Understand That When Receiving Relationship Advice, From Whatever Medium You Get It From, You Need To Let Your CONSCIENCE In On The Debate So You Are NOT Being Wilfully Ignorant.

  10. Paul B.

    07/23/2012 at 4:42 PM

    Here's the thing: it's one thing to have your opinion, it's another to try and dictate how the blog writer should think or express THEIR opinion. The same ones who like these blogs for their particular approach to subjects will be the same ones who will complain and try to tell them how to blog and what their opinion should be.

    • petersburgh

      07/23/2012 at 5:48 PM

      I agree here. I state my opinion and move on as blogger or commenter. As a blogger I just give another point of view to a situation the way I see it and I respect the fact that someone will get offended at some point and they have the right to be if they see my writing as offensive to them but that doesn't mean that what I'm saying actually is or was intended to be offensive

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        07/23/2012 at 7:28 PM

        Exactly My Point. I Want To Put My Opinion Out There, But I Gain Literally NOTHING From Intentionally Offended People. So If Someone Gets Offended, There's Nothing I Can Do About That, Because I Ultimately Need To Stay True To Myself.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      07/23/2012 at 7:27 PM

      Real Talk!

    • iluvwhoiluv

      07/24/2012 at 4:04 PM

      I agree Paul.

  11. wyatteula

    01/29/2014 at 12:44 AM

    Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to continuously update this site. After reading the above article, I'm even more inspired to continue reading more post of yours about relationship advices. Thanks! :)

    http://pheromones.com/

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