Don’t You DARE Tell Me How Important Sex SHOULD Be In MY Relationship

As much as I love debating and discussing my viewpoints on sex and relationships with various people, there IS one topic I frequently get TIRED of debating: “What’s MORE important in a relationship, good sex or a good personality?” I really HATE getting in debates over this topic because of ONE simple reason: The two are NOT comparable items. That’s like asking “What’s MORE important in a car, the ENGINE or the TRANSMISSION?” when the truth is BOTH are NECESSARY for the car to run properly. But what really ANGERS me about these discussions is that midway through some condescending DOUCHEBAG feels the need to not only tell me HOW I view sex, but also tries to tell me HOW important sex SHOULD be in my relationship. You can miss me with that corny BULLSH*T.

Here’s an example of the corniness:

Now I completely agree with the first sentence in that sign, because it is a personalized testimony that is true to THEM and nobody else. They are unequivocally stating THEIR view on how sex [or lack of it] affects THEIR OWN lives, and who am I to discount that as a truism in their lives? But then when you get to the SECOND sentence, THAT’S where this B*TCH-ASS sign loses ALL my respect. Because now they are TELLING me what sex means TO ME, and then claiming to know EACTLY how it will and will not affect my relationship. They aren’t even granting me the same respect I just granted them in this above paragraph.

And this is NOT a rant against celibacy, the church, or married folk who preach abstinencethis is a rant against ANY JACKASS who believes in the anti-intellectual ideology that every man and woman emotionally and mentally internalizes the act of sex the SAME. All of us “fornicators” DON’T view sex as just some degrading good ol’ nut-bustin’ fun. For many of us it is an IMPORTANT moment of physical intimacy that brings us EVEN closer to our significant other. It’s MAKING LOVE – and YES that CAN happen without a ring.

Married or not, making love is the same thing..

I’ve stated many times on this blog that a successful relationship is typically comprised of having a great mental, emotional and physical connection [in some cases spiritual too], and that is exactly what I NEED in order to engage in a happy, loving relationship.

I want a woman I can sit down and talk with about any issue, who I can laugh with ’til I cry, who can be my best friend, who can kick me in my ass when I’m wrong and outta line, and who I feel comfortable sharing my deepest secrets with. I also I want a woman I love more passionately than any other woman to come before her, who I can count on to brighten my mood when I’m down, and who can make me an even BETTER man just through her love and support. AND I also want a woman I can kiss and run my tongue over every inch of her body anytime of the day. A woman I can lay down on my sheets and feel deep inside of her and hear her moan my name. A woman I can feel cum all over me and pass out in my arms in a state of exhausted bliss. ALL of that comprises a GREAT relationship to ME, and it’s NOT about being a sexual deviant who places an all-important stock on the physical aspect of our union – it’s just INCLUDING it as a necessary part.

If YOU don’t need sex for YOUR relationship to work, then kudos to you for knowing what drives your dating success, but don’t you DARE believe for one second that because that works FOR YOU, it’s the ONLY way ANYONE else can form a successful romance. But here’s the funny part: When these people talk about sex DIMINISHING love, they are giving us more of an insight into THEIR shortcomings than OUR own.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/17/2012 at 4:29 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe That It's Possible To Make Love PRIOR To Marriage Or Does Sex Without A Ring Really Just Diminish Love?

    • petersburgh

      08/17/2012 at 6:23 AM

      I think you can make love at any time regardless of your marital orientation. Love is an interaction between a couple. Maybe marriage between a couple in love enhances it but until I get there I wouldn't know.

      The idea of sex diminishing love can be misleading. Do they mean that if you love someone prior to marriage and have sex that it would? If so, I don't believe it can because if you truly love someone, a sexual interaction with them cannot make you love the person less. It makes you feel close to the person and as I have said countless times, any time a person in a relationship does not want to have sex ignoring a mental or sexual issue or if their partner becomes irritable(abusive etc), there's something absolutely wrong.

      On the other hand if they are saying that premarital sex in general can diminish the CHANCE of love I can see where they are coming from. If we guys meet a girl and smash too early, most of the time we think she is too easy and move on and in some of those cases she isn't but she just has that connection with us and that connection possible could have become love if we had stick around. Somehow I believe they didn't mean that but as usual I'm offering another point of view

      • mena

        08/17/2012 at 7:42 AM

        I think they are referring to the latter point you made. People are giving away sex like its candy and body counts are going through the roof. I have read on a few blogs how yr number of women a man has slept with makes him more desirable. It honestly is a turn off for me and that is why I just don't want to know. A high body count, in my opinion, shows a lack of discretion on your part and the inability to discriminate when that's what you should be doing when it comes to who you give yourself to.

        • petersburgh

          08/17/2012 at 8:13 AM

          I agree with you to a point. I wrote an article on if a woman has 20 or more partners if she can still be marriage material and the answer is yes. Yes it may say that you made bad decisions but it doesn't categorically say that you are worthless or undateable IF you have left that behind you. I'm not saying you shouldn't be turned off as that is your choice but I won't write off someone just yetSent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

          • mena

            08/17/2012 at 9:25 AM

            I don't think I would write them off persay, but I would take a few steps back.

      • Paul B

        08/17/2012 at 4:07 PM

        I get it, but that last paragraph is where things get dicey. I understand there may be a connection, whether it's just sexual attraction or more, but in some circles, it sends a message of impulsiveness or lack of self control. It's not an absolute, but it can send a bad message. But that's between them so oh well.

  2. Kelly Glover

    08/17/2012 at 5:14 AM

    Lincoln did you get my sample blogs?

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/17/2012 at 12:43 PM

      Naw I Don't Believe I Did…How Did You Send Them?

  3. mena

    08/17/2012 at 7:38 AM

    I have seen people discuss being abstinent or a virgin and have others literally look at them like they had the worst STD known to man. It's a shame really. Sex has become so downplayed that if you aren't getting it in and choosing not to, then people automatically look at you like you have 8 balls or 4 breaticles. To each their own really. And I agree with you, everyone should respect someone else's decisions on sex but rarely have I seen that same respect given to those who choose to be abstinent. And unless you go to a church meeting or abstinent group function, I have never seen a group of abstinent folks, outside of their bubble, go in on someone who is having sex.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/17/2012 at 12:45 PM

      Oh, I Have….And It's NOT Pretty.

      • iluvwhoiluv

        08/17/2012 at 3:32 PM

        Yes, I have, too….

        • mena

          08/17/2012 at 3:58 PM

          Maybe from old people but never from people in their 20s or 30s. At least this has been what i have witnessed.

    • petersburgh

      08/17/2012 at 7:00 PM

      well I always respect someone stance on anything but if you can't bring logical things to back it up we will have a heated debate. People do go on people who have sex but I guess you have never been there

      • mena

        08/17/2012 at 7:04 PM

        I know they do but not to the extent I have seen those who choose to remain abstinent have been subjected to.

  4. iamkeishabrown

    08/17/2012 at 9:27 AM

    i love that pic of the Obama's.
    that is all.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/17/2012 at 12:44 PM

      Cuz You Know That's What He's Saying LoL

      • iamkeishabrown

        08/17/2012 at 1:05 PM

        LOL. probably!!!

    • daboo18

      08/17/2012 at 11:33 PM

      That pic is hilarious. Look at her face.. priceless lmao

  5. Kelly Glover

    08/17/2012 at 7:36 PM

    Hi Lincoln, I responded to your search for a good woman post using the form. I'll send it again for you now so just let me know when you get it if you can.

  6. Mila

    08/17/2012 at 9:05 PM

    i feel you.

  7. Jim

    09/05/2012 at 12:41 AM

    I tend to agree with this author. Each person is unique and that makes each relationship even more unique. If you've got your own relationship figured out, and it works for you, great! What happens between consenting adults and what exactly it means is not for someone else to decide or judge. Nothing is ever equal or fair or perfectly balanced, even in marriage, and you can never stereotype. I think love is a perception that each of us experience differently. I would say, compatibility matters. Otherwise, somebody has to compromise. If there is resentment and frustration, communication will suffer. Lasting mutual love is possible. Mutual honesty (and integrity), allow for mutual trust, and respect, and commitment. Intimacy and sex are important if you say so. Be honest. Marriage is an institution of god, and the legal contract of your commitment; nothing more. Anger is ignorance.

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