Here’s The Problem With The “Middle-Age Marriage Rush”

Let’s take a second to be honest about marriage in 2012: There’s a high probability that many of us will get married for the first time in our 30’s. Statistics show that the average age of women and men has greatly risen over the years, mostly due to the fact that women have achieved much more equality in the workplace combined with the reality that dual income homes have now become a necessity. The idea that we can easily wed at the same time and in the same manner as our parents and grandparents is not only RIDICULOUS, it is simply UNTRUE. The requirements to being employed and having some semblance of financial security are MUCH stiffer than they were EVER before, and it’s not uncommon for us to spend our 20’s trying to get sh*t straight. With that being such a stark reality, I would like to personally introduce you to the concept of the “Middle-Age Marriage Rush.”

As I get older [and start to quickly embark on the age of 30], there’s one thing I’ve been noticing a lot of lately: My middle-aged friends and family members are beginning to SPRINT to the altar and have children. Now there’s many people who may be critical of that, but I’m NOT one of them – as long as the couple LOVES each other and both parties are committed to putting in ALL the work necessary to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. But here’s the ONE problem I DO have with this arrangement: When good people feel they MUST sprint to the altar because EVERYONE else tells them that there is NO other way to approach dating after 30.

if there is ONE comment that makes me absolutely SICK to my stomach and PISSES me off, it’s when STUPID-ASS people make broad-sweeping generalizations about how 30 year olds are SUPPOSE to approach the dating scene. One condescending comment I constantly hear from self-aggrandizing men is “any man over 30 still trying to play the field and get nani is a LOSER!” To those dudes, my retort is simply this:

You don’t know SH*T-ALL about his circumstance or how mentally and emotionally prepared that man is to love a woman with ALL his heart. You have NO CLUE what sort trials and tribulations that man has recently been through in the dating world, indicating that attempting a serious relationship is just not for him right now. And seeing that marriage is NOT a natural human-instinct, but simply a social construct, it is RIDICULOUS for you to label his innate nature as somehow being FLAWED because his timetable for finding love is not in-sync with what YOU think SHOULD be best for himself.

One annoying ass comment I constantly hear from self-important, patronizing BEEYOTCHES about 30-plus year old women who are not married is “any woman not married with kids at 30 needs to re-evaluate her life and realize her bankbook won’t keep her warm at night!” To y’all chicks, I say this:

KEEP YOUR IGNORANT MOUTHS SHUT.

NO woman with any semblance of intelligence or self-awareness should be RUSHING to the altar BEFORE she is emotionally and mentally ready to participate in a successful marriage. Although women have the added pressure of conceiving before it becomes a health risk, that should STILL not be a motivating factor to engage in a dishonest and unhappy relationship just to make EVERYONE else happy that she’s leading the life they EXPECT of her.

Her: “Hurry up nigga, you running like a little B*TCH!”

The big problem with the “Middle-Age Marriage Rush” isn’t that people are running to the altar in the mid-30’s - it’s the fact that SOME of these marriages are based more on FEAR and emotional-manipulation than on actual LOVE and commitment. I’ve said it before on this blog and I will say it again: Never let anyone convince you that you are taking TOO-LONG to get “serious” in your personal life and always remember that NO ONE is better equipped at knowing when YOU are READY to be married than YOURSELF.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

67 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/20/2012 at 4:29 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, What Are Your Thoughts On The "Middle-Age Marriage Rush?" Do You Believe It Exists, And If So, Are You In Favour Of People Rushing To The Altar Or Do You Think Should Be Very Careful About Their Motivations At That Age?

    • Vicky

      08/20/2012 at 9:31 AM

      I actually find that our age group are not rushing to the altar with just anyone just to have the title of "husband and wife". What I think is causing the rush is that at that age, you already know what you are looking for in a partner and when you find it, you know that's who you are meant to be with and then follow through the marriage plans.

      • mena

        08/20/2012 at 10:47 AM

        I kinda agree with this. By the time you are 30, you should know what crap you will and won't put up with. Also dating someone for 3 or 4 years is just a waste of time. You either know or you don't.

        • MzDebbieFields

          08/20/2012 at 12:13 PM

          By the time you're 30 you should already be happily married…

          • NurseJilly

            08/20/2012 at 3:11 PM

            How old are you Debbie? If your not 30 yet do you think you'll be married by 30?

          • MzDebbieFields

            08/20/2012 at 4:24 PM

            I'm 25 and I know I will be married in 5 years!

          • NurseJilly

            08/20/2012 at 4:41 PM

            I'd be willing to bet that in 5 years your view will be different. You really think your gonna be married with 2 children in 5 years? You better be ready to walk down the isle tomorrow then…

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            08/20/2012 at 7:10 PM

            LoL. Exactly.

          • Nala

            10/23/2012 at 11:29 PM

            Well, it's very possible for her to be married in 5 years and even have two children.. I've been married 3 years now and my husband and I have a 5 month old and a 21 month old. So it's possible; now I don't know Debbie's situation and the way my husband and I do things may not be for her – or anyone else for that matter, but if she was involved with someone and they both had a common goal of marriage within a specific time frame, I don't see why it would be impossible.

            By the way, I will be 30 in a few months.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/20/2012 at 12:03 PM

        I HOPE That Is It. But I Fear I Have Witnessed People Get Married Just Because They Felt "everyone else think's it's time, so…."

        • Vicky

          08/21/2012 at 9:11 AM

          To those people, they need to get a back bone and figure out what's best for them and not what everyone else is saying around them. Some people are sheep…..

    • iluvwhoiluv

      08/21/2012 at 12:15 PM

      "One annoying ass comment I constantly hear from self-important, patronizing BEEYOTCHES about 30-plus year old women who are not married is “any woman not married with kids at 30 needs to re-evaluate her life and realize her bankbook won’t keep her warm at night!” To y’all chicks, I say this:

      KEEP YOUR IGNORANT MOUTHS SHUT.

      NO woman with any semblance of intelligence or self-awareness should be RUSHING to the altar BEFORE she is emotionally and mentally ready to participate in a successful marriage. Although women have the added pressure of conceiving before it becomes a health risk, that should STILL not be a motivating factor to engage in a dishonest and unhappy relationship just to make EVERYONE else happy that she’s leading the life they EXPECT of her."

      Thank you so much for saying these words.

      I've been dealing through so much because I'm over 30 with no children, and yet I get all sorts of statements in regards to this: 1. You can't wait too long to have kids (which I understand and I get) 2. What is taking you so long to settle down? 3. Is there something wrong with you?

      And it's tough…even when you tell these people that you are waiting for the right person to be with, a person who is going to be a wonderful provider, mate, and father. The comments still get to you from time to time.

      Again, thanks for this. Because the middle-age marriage rush is still alive and well–in some parts more than others.

  2. GrandCentral

    08/20/2012 at 6:15 AM

    Bravo!!!!! I love this post! My mother got married a 21 and was divorced 10 years later. A lot of my friends have the same situation. I think that our generation will be better equipped at the marriage game, because we will have waited to mature and like you said, we will know ourselves enough to know when it's right. Times have changed and people are a little resistant to accept that. Women no longer have to get married super early to survive.

    When William and Kate got married last year, people were relived that William took his time. Because of that, he might have a better shot of making his marriage last, unlike his father. Nothing in life should ever be rushed.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/20/2012 at 11:37 AM

      You Know What's Funny? People Who Constantly Bemoan The Lack Of Young Marriages In The Black Community, Never Analyze The Inherent Problems Many Of Them Face That Ultimately Lead To Divorce. Good Point.

      • ChloeRayne516

        08/20/2012 at 11:51 AM

        Amen!!!!

        I am a 34 year old divorcee, once a teenage bride and I approve this message.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          08/20/2012 at 12:02 PM

          I Think Your Story Needs To Be Told More Often As A Cautionary Tale To Balance Out The People Who Believe We ALL Need To RUSH To The Altar.

          • ChloeRayne516

            08/20/2012 at 1:42 PM

            Basically to sum it all up.. I was YOUNG DUMB and SPRUNG, got married for all the wrong reasons, trying to be on my grown women ish but not being fully grown, WE BOTH DID for that matter, as we've started to mature and got older we realized we both wanted different things, he wanted to go LEFT and I wanted to go RIGHT.. *SHRUG* do I regret getting married so young NO because we did have some great years prior to the down spiral, but if babygirl told me at 19 or 20 she wanted to get married, well let's just say someone would be on the back of a milk carton. #ImJustSayin

          • MzDebbieFields

            08/20/2012 at 4:25 PM

            That's so wrong! You want her to grow old and bitter like you?!!

          • ChloeRayne516

            08/20/2012 at 4:30 PM

            WTH, where at in my comment did you read or gather a conclusion that I am bitter?? I said I had no regrets…… You know what??

            MzDebbie Please go play with someone else because I am not the one. TRUST ME on THAT!!!

            Good Day!!

          • Vicky

            08/21/2012 at 9:14 AM

            How stupid are you??? The point is simply that at a young age you think you know it all but reality is you are still growing and learning more about yourself. I wouldn't want my daughter to get married at 19! She needs to experience life before she settles down into her own little nest.

            Catch a clue sometime! There is NO way you are 25

          • bellatrice1

            08/20/2012 at 8:11 PM

            I don't think getting married young is necessarily a "bad" idea. I think there are benefits to marrying young and marrying later in life. I don't like it when people discourage 2 people who are in love to wait. Wait for what??

            I think we should all do what is best for US, like you said upthread Lincoln, we know ourselves best and what we're ready for. I was engaged at 19 and I knew in my heart that, for me, that was just too early. But, that was MY decision and no one else's. People really should stop letting others dictate their lives. I agree with your post 100%

          • Nala

            10/23/2012 at 11:36 PM

            Getting married young is detrimental. Young people – even young, mature people barely know who they are, let alone who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Heck, even some fully grown women haven't even grasped that concept. A 19/20 year old should NOT be getting married.

  3. petersburgh

    08/20/2012 at 6:41 AM

    Marriage is too important a step in life to be rushed, coerced, forced or manipulated REGARDLESS of age. I don't think anyone should be doing it just because time is running out so to speak but the reality is that it happens more often than not. Marriage used to be about love and commitment but I guess when time comes a calling we forget about those things now. Take your time and decide when's the best time for you, both personally and as a couple.

    • Vicky

      08/20/2012 at 9:26 AM

      You said "marriage used to be about love and commitment", but let's face it, was it really love that made our parents generation rush down the isle at a young age? My mother was only 16 and I cannot fathom the thought that she knew what love was at that age. Mind you, my parents are still together, but that's because they actually believed in the commitment part…..once you sign your life away, you are stuck with them through thick and thin….no matter what! Unlike now where divorce is a quick fix option.

      • petersburgh

        08/20/2012 at 10:34 AM

        Well yeah I'm not saying everyone married for love in our time now or the last but it was to emphasize the high divorce rates due to marriage for the wrong reasons per se. Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/20/2012 at 12:01 PM

        Really Good Point Here Too. I Think It's Misguided Nostalgia That Makes People Think Our Parents/Grandparents ALL Got Married And Stayed Together Out Of LOVE.

      • ChloeRayne516

        08/20/2012 at 1:48 PM

        "Unlike now where divorce is a quick fix option."

        it's not that divorce is a quick fix option.. the truth of the matter is that now WOMEN have more options now, long gone are the days when our grandmothers and their momma had to stick it out in a marriage because of the simple fact that HE controlled all the finances (job/putting food on the table/clothing and shelter) for the entire family including the wife.

        Alot of couples stayed together because they had no way out NOT because it was all about "LOVE/COMMITMENT"

        • mena

          08/20/2012 at 5:54 PM

          I do wonder how many men/women were stuck in loveless marriages.

        • Vicky

          08/21/2012 at 9:01 AM

          What I mean is that many people rush down the isle just as quick as they rush to the lawyers office to get out of it. I don't hear too many people actually trying to save their marriages unfortunately. There are plenty of options to choose from. Now if you have done all you could to save your marriage and it's still not working out, by all means, divorce. I'm not oppose it.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/20/2012 at 12:00 PM

      CO-FRIGGIN'-SIGN

    • bellatrice1

      08/20/2012 at 8:13 PM

      Many of our parents were getting married so they could do the horizontal hoochie b/c a lot of women weren't even allowed to move out of their parents' house unless they were married.

      • Vicky

        08/21/2012 at 9:03 AM

        That is true….many got married just to have some freedom from their parents

    • iluvwhoiluv

      08/21/2012 at 12:16 PM

      Petersburgh, preach!

  4. dsexton72

    08/20/2012 at 7:39 AM

    What's this business about mid-30's being "middle aged"?

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/20/2012 at 11:39 AM

      Ha! Exactly My Point.

  5. mena

    08/20/2012 at 9:10 AM

    Lincoln, how far are you out from 30? You've been talking about it for a minute now :-)

    I say take your time and decide on what's right for you. There are people who got married in their very early 20s who are still married and those that got married in their 40s and are still happily married.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/20/2012 at 11:59 AM

      Closer Than Most People Probably Realize. lol

    • MzDebbieFields

      08/20/2012 at 12:12 PM

      How much time do you think old women have?? You can't wait until 40 to have kids!!

      • iluvwhoiluv

        08/21/2012 at 12:18 PM

        Well, MzDebbie, my grandmother gave birth to my mom when she was 40 years old. Not saying it was planned; I'm sure it shocked the heck out of her! There are other women in my family who have had children at 40, so although it is risky, a 40 year old giving birth is possible.

  6. MzDebbieFields

    08/20/2012 at 12:12 PM

    When I hit the old age of 30 I know I will have a daughter and a son and a happy marriage and the women who don't will be shit out of luck #TooLate

    • mena

      08/20/2012 at 12:37 PM

      How old are you now?

      • MzDebbieFields

        08/20/2012 at 4:25 PM

        I'm 25

    • MistaHarsh

      08/20/2012 at 1:03 PM

      Well you better get started now….first thing you should do is take that pic down it ain't helping…

      • ChloeRayne516

        08/20/2012 at 1:34 PM

        *Laughing out Louddddd*

      • NurseJilly

        08/20/2012 at 3:14 PM

        LMAO… Have to agree with you on this!!

      • MzDebbieFields

        08/20/2012 at 4:26 PM

        Thats not even me! It's Joanna Shari and she is sexy! I'm still having fun so I don't need to act like an old fogey!

      • iluvwhoiluv

        08/21/2012 at 12:19 PM

        always can depend on MistaHarsh for a sharp, yet well executed comment. (smiles)

    • BADDEST

      08/20/2012 at 1:44 PM

      oh come on Deb, the jigs up ….we all know youre a 56yr old, chain smoking man :D

      • MzDebbieFields

        08/20/2012 at 4:26 PM

        #SMH!

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/20/2012 at 7:11 PM

        LOL

      • Vicky

        08/21/2012 at 8:58 AM

        TOO EFFING FUNNY!

    • Vicky

      08/21/2012 at 9:05 AM

      Yeah ok, I'm sure MANY of us thought the same thing…..and why many are divorced with 2 children at 40 #tooyoungandnaive

    • nala

      10/23/2012 at 11:42 PM

      I tried to go to bat for you but you sound really wishy washy.. lol

  7. mena

    08/20/2012 at 12:12 PM

    Our 20 year old selves put up with more crap and probably had more patience when it came to dealing with our s/o. As we get older, this same patience just isnt there (which is fine), we probably have more confidence in ourselves and in what we want out of life.

    I know that as i am leaving my 20s, i am more self aware than i ever have been before. I know what i like and don't like, what i will and wont put up with. I am also able to shuffle through the crap better. If i found a guy today, that fit with what i was looking for in a husband, and he saw me as what he wanted in a wife, i would totally get married in a year of the start of the courtship.

    I am also less likely to wait around for 3-4 years. You should know within a few months of being with someone if they have potential or not. 3-4 years, after a certain age, is extreme to me if marriage is what you are looking for.

    • MistaHarsh

      08/20/2012 at 12:56 PM

      but 3-4 years in a relationship is only a waste of time if you don't want to marry that person or if you only plan on being married for 1 or 2 years. There are couples going on 3-4 years and want to marry their s/o but its just not the right time for whatever reason that is.

      As far as knowing whether they have potential in a few months of dating is very tricky because what you're saying is that you can fall in love with someone after a few months. If you're not comfortable with saying that then you're probably separating marriage from love and that concept is going to make for a very challenging marriage.

      • mena

        08/20/2012 at 1:42 PM

        Again, this is for me.

        For others, it probably won't be the case.

  8. MistaHarsh

    08/20/2012 at 1:34 PM

    Until people start to realize that marriage is not a cookie cutter system and it should be define by what the husband and wife want it to be there will be more pressured marriages and continued high rates of divorce.

    Also a lot of people want to marry someone for their character traits. If you want, not a long marriage but a successful marriage(death do us part) you have to be mindful that people change and you will be faced with having to love someone who's no longer the person you once knew. Many simply cannot —-or rather—-refuse to do this. You really have to ask yourself: "If I marry this person can I continue to be with them if they change?"

    • ChloeRayne516

      08/20/2012 at 1:56 PM

      "You really have to ask yourself: "If I marry this person can I continue to be with them if they change?""

      BINGO!!!!

    • bellatrice1

      08/20/2012 at 8:17 PM

      +1 I say this ALL the time. People take those vows talking about "for better or for worse," but I don't think they're really thinking about what they're saying. Worse can be a whole lot of messed up junk! If you can't commit to that, don't get married! People change…and not always for the better.

      • nala

        10/23/2012 at 11:47 PM

        Yes! And often times the worse comes before the better…. People aren't prepared for the worse and they don't know how to handle it when it comes along so they flee.

  9. BADDEST

    08/20/2012 at 1:43 PM

    I think everyone is always looking for the feeling of "arrival" in life….something along the lines of " i put in the work, I should get a pay off, I deserve to feel validated" …
    The naivety of most people who have yet to experience marriage is that they never factor in the continuous nature of the commitment….." he isnt the man I married" is a coliqualism for a reason!
    What amazes me is not when people in their 30's ARENT married but rather that there is a common immaturity encouraging it as the cut-off point for settling down.
    Guess what folks? youre still a baby in life at 30 years old….this includes myself………the only thing you should be fully in possession of at 30 is the knowledge you dont ever know what life has in store and defining yourself by your attachment to another is RISKY ASS BUSINESS….and this should apply whether youre advocating for marriage or not

    • mena

      08/20/2012 at 1:54 PM

      Nice.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/20/2012 at 7:11 PM

      Realest Comment EVER On This Topic.

      • BADDEST

        08/21/2012 at 9:36 AM

        why thank you!

    • iluvwhoiluv

      08/21/2012 at 12:21 PM

      Well scribed and very true, BADDEST. Why is it that people think once you hit 30 and above, you are supposed to have life well figured out and you're already in a place of stability? Definitely in times like these, that is so not true!

  10. Adonis

    08/23/2012 at 10:14 AM

    Women past 30 looking for marriage will be SOL. Bank on That

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