If You THINK You’re Unable To Love Again – STOP DATING

I recently had a conversation with a young woman that truly PISSED me off and resulted in me CUSSING her ass out almost to the point where she cried. The people around thought I was a HUGE douchebag, and after a lot of personal, self-analysis I have come to a solid conclusion: I was NOT wrong and I probably should’ve CUSSED her ass out a little worse. What did she do to deserve said-cussing you ask? Well, she stated in a very matter-of-fact tone that she firmly believes she has lost the ability to fall in love – but she’s CURRENTLY in a relationship.

The conversation began by her asking me how long should a couple date before brining up marriage. I then asked her what are the conditions she needs in place for her marriage to become a viable option [i.e. certain number of dollars in the bank, better job, live together, be monogamous, be in love, etc.] and the love question made her froze, and she replied “Well not the love thing, because after my past relationships I’m unable to love again.” I then gave her the opportunity to expand on that statement and HOPEFULLY state that she means she’s unable to love AS innocently or faithfully as she USE to, but she reaffirmed her position that she KNEW feeling love is NOT an option for her anymore.

I tried a couple more times to convince her that she may be going too hard on herself and that she needs to have more perspective and relax, but she just simply kept repeating how OVER “Love” she is, which led to me asking her “Does your man love you?” She then looked me DEAD in the eye and said “Of course.” Now I will be paraphrasing what I said to her going forward, because I temporarily blacked out.

But it went something like this:

‘So you mean to tell me that you have a man at home that LOVES you and is entertaining the thought of spending the REST of his natural life with you, but YOU are so emotionally broken that not only are you unable to reciprocate that love, but you’re too much of a SELFISH B*TCH to even be honest with him about not feeling the same way? Do you seriously not think he deserves to know your punk-ass is being emotionally dishonest and leading him to believe that he is in a relationship WORTH putting all his effort and heart into, when the woman he loves doesn’t give a FLYING-F*^K about his emotional well-being?’

‘You are the WORST kind of C*NT. A selfish self-pitier. A miserable bastard who can only FULLY enjoy their misery with the “benefit” of company. And instead of dragging down an enemy, you decide to find someone who was just as loving, trusting and caring as you USE to be, and then BREAKING them in order to derive some sick pleasure in feeling like you initiated them into the ways of the “Real World.” What’s so F*^KED-UP about people like you, is the fact that you create OTHER people like you.’

‘If you are SO sure you are unable to love, then that means you can clearly SEE that something is wrong with you – so WHY are you wilfully inviting another person into your world of DYSFUNCTION. You need HELP and time to YOURSELF. If you are unable to love again, which you KNOW is a necessary feature of ANY healthy relationship, then you NEED to STOP F*^KING DATING. All you are doing is misleading people and opening them up to having the same wounded heart as you.’

‘But what you DON’T realize is that your actions extend BEYOND you. When you irreparably break someone’s heart, you create a bitter, frowsy douche who will break someone ELSE’S heart, creating and sustaining a vicious cycle – you self-aggrandizing JACKASS.’

That was essentially my rant, and I honestly DON’T feel bad for hurting her feelings, because what she was doing to her man is MUCH worse than anything I said to her that day. I KNOW this is not a gender specific issue – it’s a CHARACTER issue – and some of you LOOSEBALLS lack more character than musty Chief Keef lacks quality bars in rap and quality bars of soap.

If you think you are unable to love or you have some hang-up with giving and/or receiving love, do everyone a favour and keep your funky-ass on the sideline so the rest of us can honestly and openly approach the game of life and love.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

85 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/14/2012 at 6:06 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think Ol' Girl Deserved To Take Several Seats For Deceptively Engaging In A Loving Relationship With Her Man? Or Is It OK For Her (Or Anybody) To Explore If They Can Ever Love Again WHILE Being In A Relationship?

    Was I Too Hard On Her?

  2. petersburgh

    08/14/2012 at 7:16 AM

    I agree with you here in that she is being selfish and ruthless by being untruthful to her boyfriend and that in turn may make him bitter towards any quality women he may meet later down. Your method of relaying that to her is your own so I won't judge that because at times I get that way too. Personally, whenever I finish a relationship I take time off to heal and to figure out where I made mistakes etc and sometimes that last a year or two. She should take some time to herself and examine her actions and ideas so that when she's ready again she will be fair and honest with whoever

  3. Kam

    08/14/2012 at 7:27 AM

    I have no respect for this girl and people like her. She needs to grow up and find herself.

    Lincoln you had every right to cuss her. Hopefully that cussing will wake her a*s up. It's okay to be damaged but to date knowing you can't love is just plain evil.

  4. Paul B.

    08/14/2012 at 7:31 AM

    Not at all. I think anybody with a similar mindset has it coming.

  5. Smilez_920

    08/14/2012 at 7:35 AM

    Smh people are selfish. Listen sometimes people go into situations and they are not all the way healed, but they are willing to learn how to love and open themselves up. How can she possibly talk about spending her life with a man she doesn't love.

    I understand people get hurt but come on, why take someone else on that road with you especially if there being good to her. I hope that man finds out and leaves. Sorry I don't like seeing good women or men being used. Yes she's using him as a comfort when this man wants to be her life partner.

  6. mena

    08/14/2012 at 7:49 AM

    This wasn't about this chick being hurt. The root to all of this is that she wanted someone who would love her enough to never leave her. Trust that her man knows deep down that something is wrong with the relationship but he is too blinded by love to leave her. That's why she got upset bc you called her out on her bs. She's a narcissist and she is toxic. She gets off on knowing that she has a guy that will bend over backwards for her while she puts in little effort. That's why she answered your question with "of course.". How could he not love her? She is wonderful. Yep, a wonderful bitch.

    Were you too harsh? Depends on if you knew her well enough but I am assuming that you didn't. I probably would have done the same thing and shrugged afterwards.

  7. Celina

    08/14/2012 at 8:06 AM

    She gets no pity from me. I'm surprised that others thought YOU were the douche for cussing her! How dare she utter the word marriage?!

    Honestly it's not gender specific. I see the few good men that are left in the world get cheated on or just plain old hurt one by one by some selfish bitches and while some are able to bounce back to some extent, others just turn into brick walls and it is EXTREMELY frustrating for the people who have a heart and who want to love them.

    Some people are so flippin' selfish, they want others in their lives to make them feel comfortable, but they're not willing to put in the necessary work to maintain healthy relationships. You should've vomited in her shoe for shamelessly displaying such a disgusting mind set!

  8. Vicky

    08/14/2012 at 8:49 AM

    Hold on Lincoln! This isn't going to be another one of those posts where tomorrow we hear her side of the story is it?

    As it stands right now, if she knows she's that damaged then why the hell is she involved with someone? Better yet, why doesn't his punk ass see this and leave her?

    You have every right to cuss her out about it (provided these are all the details) as I would have as well…..selfish b***h

  9. uncle gryph

    08/14/2012 at 9:01 AM

    lincoln.

    there are some times when i wonder if you've lost it. not gone crazy, but the fine skill of putting your finger right on the pulse of a particular phenomenon then cold-bloodedly stopping all the flow to that part. i will never doubt you again.

    okay we both know that's a lie, but it will take me significantly longer to doubt you. but its it the sentiment that counts.

  10. BADDEST

    08/14/2012 at 9:01 AM

    Honest answer?…..While you were most definitely correct in cussing her…do you think its possible the reason youre inquiring/sharing about it is because on some level you can idenitifiy with her motives?
    I know for me , when I go in on someone especiallly bitingly its always because I can idenitify with their short comings and am ususally working hard not to succumb to the same weakness myself……yes, its basic psychology, kinda like " wait a second …you think youre above common decency cuz youve been hurt?"( outrage ensues) that being said….obviously, no one should date without pure heart and intention….contined

  11. BADDEST

    08/14/2012 at 9:02 AM

    but truth is we all do…its called playing the field no?extension of consumerism…..and I agree with you its disturbing to see that there are some so far gone in their own self pity that they will actually purposely ignore morality and integrity just to be able to say they arent on the lower rung of the dating caste system…..also, i hate to say it….especially a WOMAN…i think this woman was probbaly thinking her reteric was empowered (some of that think like a man bullshit) but as you clearly pointed out to her all shes doing with her mind set is propagating more of the pain that probably lead her to her entitled, selfish existence in the first place

  12. Tyrant

    08/14/2012 at 9:22 AM

    The fact that she is willfully attempting to trap her man in a loveless marriage is the breaking point for me. This is beyond simply selfish, this is condemning a man to a life of emotional struggle. If he loves her like she posits, then he won't want to leave her and yet at the same time, he will know eventually that there is an emotional gap between the two of them. He is trapped in hell!!!
    God forbid that they should have children, the situation would only get worse!!
    She has the nerves to speak of marriage, have people no sense of decency anymore?
    What a miserable bitch!!!

  13. Ange

    08/14/2012 at 9:26 AM

    I do think that she not only needs to take several seats, but also just needs to lay down. I agree, although probably not as passionately as the author, that she was wrong. We all have had unfavorable outcomes with love and her 'inability' to love is not the issue. She should have been up front with the current guy she is dating and tell him how she felt about love and being in love. That way he could have decided whether or not he wanted to deal with all that. She took that option from him, which makes her a douche bag. But I am pretty sure that some of her actions show that she's not in love, which is a subject for another day. Lastly she only cried because you reminded her of those "I aint shit" feelings she tried to hide deep inside. I do hope that you referred her to a therapist because baby girl clearly needs some help.

  14. John J

    08/14/2012 at 10:15 AM

    An auditorium, a football stadium, and a double-decker bus combined wouldn't have had enough seats for her to take, LOL. You definitely were not too hard on her. She is someone who as you pointed out needs to take herself out the game and figure out if true love and a well meaning relationship is something she can provide, much less receive and deserve. That was the wake up call she needed. Great post.

    And for everyone that says that ol' dude should know something's up, that's not something that so cut and dry or easy to figure out even if you AREN'T blinded by love goggles. Y'all can believe Love and Basketball and Maury if y'all want to with those "He ain't stroking me right" or "She ain't putting it down like she used to" tell-tale signs, or other affectionate "stuff", but there are sociopaths out here who can "fake the funk" with the best of them and you'll never see it coming. It's a good thing she slipped up and told someone, maybe now she'll realize she needs help and will actually get the help she needs. And not date.

  15. iamkeishabrown

    08/14/2012 at 10:30 AM

    well you've already stated that you don't feel like you were too hard on her and should have cussed her out worse, so no point in really asking our opinion on that for us to be rebuked. (i've learned my lesson on this blog..lol)

    as for my opinions on her – she's the reason why 'nice guys' turn into 'a$$holes. and i need women to realize that while men can be dogs and do a$$holish things – clearly so can we. and im glad she's getting called out by both men and women alike. i would never want to align myself with this chick's doings just because we both happen to have breasticles. and if she were my friend, at some point i'd call her out as well. maybe not in the same TIYC way – but it would need to be said.

  16. Jessssss

    08/14/2012 at 11:04 AM

    I agree with almost everything said here. I know far too many idiots who function selfishly in the same way and run through partners and its never their fault that they relationship ended. Or that the other person is now emotionally "strung out" and left to stew in the pot BS they left behind.

    I was married and treated horribly. I was young and it was years (Years I say!!!!) before I even thought about dating again. Because I knew that anyone that dealt with me would get the business. I would be cold-hearted, ruthless, calculating and evil…just because he was a man that said he loved me. Healing is necessary. It's like breaking a bone. You don't go for a jog 2 days after getting your caste (sp) off. You work your way back into it. You make sure your mended. And when you do take that first run…if your hit with pain, ease up. And then try again later.

    The person Linc described is weak in my eyes. Because instead of trying to be emotionally healthy they would rather hurt others with no remorse. People without remorse are heartless and they deserve what they get in life.

  17. cynicaloptmst81

    08/14/2012 at 11:44 AM

    HA! I love that you gave her every opportunity to redeem herself before you unleashed the beast, LMBO!

    "Now I will be paraphrasing what I said to her going forward, because I temporarily blacked out." – *DEAD*

    Saying, "I feel sorry for your mother" #MenaceToSociety would've done the trick too. How someone could do something like that and be ok is just…shameful.

  18. Candice

    08/14/2012 at 2:05 PM

    Lincoln I do not fault you for yelling at your homegirl for saying that she cannot love again and she's in a relationship. I have been in a relationship, where the other person was unsure about love and if he loved me. We continued on for almost 3 years and I had no clue about how he felt (he was able to act the part of boyfriend and 'being in love' very well, he even talked about marriage). Anyway, right after he ended our relationship, he was bouncing around to different girls but yet he would complain that something was missing or he's not sure if he could love again, but he was telling these girls that he loved them. I told him that you need to heel from our relationship just as much or even more than I do. Don't go jumping into a serious relationship right after a breakup. He needs to do some serious soul searching and just be on your own for a little bit. I told him that he has a fear of being alone and not to use that as a reason to start a relationship on shaky ground. Lord only knows if he took my advice, but if he didn't, it will catch up to him.

    Getting back to your point Lincoln, people like that drive me nuts!! I have no tolerance for that. Why are you going to bring your frowsy, non-loving, non- trusting ass on the market and hurt other people? You are the definition of selfish!!

  19. Roxx

    08/14/2012 at 10:00 PM

    Im gonna go ahead and call BS on this chick. She may not be IN LOVE but she loves him. Its almost impossible to have a realationship that functions to the point that marriage in being considered without love there. She's probably lost that ability to be IN LOVE. that feeling of passion and infatuation and complete love of loving love! for lack of better words. She's just not IN LOVE with the dude. I know if he left her this very minute this girl would be destroyed. She came at you all "hard" and tough acting like she doesnt believe in love because her ego wont let her be soft. She came at you with BS and she got ROCKED lol oh well!

  20. uncle gryph

    08/15/2012 at 8:58 AM

    when do i get to tell you all 'i told you so?' is it too soon to say 'i told you so'?

  21. Pingback: If You THINK You’re Unable To Love Again – STOP DATING

  22. skv012a

    12/25/2012 at 1:34 PM

    We, free kin, just gotta stick together and have our fun and keep on moving. I'm all for leaving your clingy crowds to yourselves instead of doing damage. I just wish more people like that girl would find the balls to truck solo and just get sexy needs out of the way casually whenever she needs to.

  23. FlameReborn

    03/17/2013 at 9:55 AM

    I was completely in love and devoted to a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Two years into the relationship he became violent and abusive. I tried to communicate with him, get him to seek help- anything to save the relationship- but he wouldn't change and things got worse. I left him. It was three years ago and I'm still struggling to put my pieces back together. Being unable to love again is something that takes time to realize. Of course coming out of the relationship I wanted nothing to do with dating anyone, just time to myself or with platonic friends. As time passed I started getting interested in dating again but I found myself unable to feel any sort of closeness or commitment with any guy I was seeing, no matter how attractive or wonderful they were or how good a time we were having. There was one particularly special guy that I dated for a year but I remained clear that I was not his "girlfriend". It was a completely one sided relationship, with him showering me with affection and me being emotionally distant. Eventually he moved on and I'm dating someone else now. I'm completely honest with him about how emotionally uninvested I am, I remind him not to get attached but I still think he's falling. Am I really doing something so wrong? Is not returning someone's affection as harmful as holding them down and beating them? My ex did some horrible things to me to cause the emotional damage I've endured and at this point I am becoming certain that I will never feel love for another human being again. This does not mean I need to lock myself away, whither and die alone. I build my relationships on honesty and respect. I can date someone and enjoy their company, give them massages, cook dinner and treat them good. It's just that at the end of the day, I feel so completely alone. I know that there is no one I care for and there is nothing anyone can do to get through to me. I can talk to the guy I'm dating about this and he listens, tells me it's ok, that he still is happy with me. When you've suffered severe emotional damage and are unable to form attachments with others then it's very important to have a friend, someone who says "It's ok that you are that way, I'm still here for you." So if you've been damaged but you feel that dating is right for you, and you're willing to communicate honestly with your partner, I say go for it.

  24. ARiga

    09/09/2013 at 12:31 AM

    So if you don't like what someone does, you call her c*nt? Mature!

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