The Day I Was Sexually Assaulted By A Mentally Retarded Girl

After enduring a long and strenuous train ride home on the TTC, I had a flash back to a painful [yet seemingly hilarious story to everyone I tell] memory of the day I damn near lost my innocence to an overly-aggressive and freakishly strong girl with down syndrome named Amanda.

Usher says confession is good for the soul, so I will tell this story in public and hopefully never think of it EVER again…

So, it was a cold and windy friday morning during March Break except there was no sun, warmth or signs of Spring today. That should have been an ominious forewarning for the ol’ BULLSH*T that was about to go down that day. My mother [in typical West Indian fashion] would be DAMNED if she left me and my sister home alone, so she did the one thing she didn’t want to do – drag us to work with her.

I had always been a little weary of her work place because she, like my grandmother, works specifically with mentally challenged people, and though I got accustom to being around them, sh*t was still unpredictable and could get hairy at times [i.e. me and my father having to do the Lethal Weapon police roll to evade some used toilet paper one of the patients had wiped his a*s with and figured he was gonna play dodgeball with it -ahhh, good times]. But there was a TWIST today – my mother decided she would bring us to their cottage because they were all having a CAMPING ADVENTURE.

Now, even as the young boy I was around these times, I was never SOLD on camping because it seemed like a waste of time specifically designed for white and/or old people. The day got off to a rough start as the patients were unusually agitated and over-stimulated. I went to one of the other workers who looked like Bob Saget from Full House and said “Is there a TV here? I wanna watch the Blue Jays play later” to which he calmly replied “I don’t know sonny boy, but I will look into that for you and we can both watch” followed by his magical White man smile. I finally felt comfortable in this damp, strange, cold-a*s piece of wilderness – until I heard my mother scream at me “LINCOLN! GET AWAY FROM HIM AND STAND OVER HERE!” As I turned back around Bob Saget morphed into Rampant Autism guy at the snap of my mothers fingers which freaked me the hell out – he almost caught me slippin’.

At that point I got tighter than Termite nani, because I realized I would have to stay on my toes and I was doing a good job – up until my mother introduced me and my sister to Amanda. Amanda was a short, Blonde down-syndrome girl with Bottle-Cap glasses and a wild overbite. She lumbered over to me winching at me through her glasses like the monkeys that jump on your car at African Lion Safari. Amanda wanted to play and she needed someone to play with so I looked over at my sister like “Hold Dat!” thinking that the natural pair would be the two young girls – but my sister just “magically” managed to trip over her shoelace and “twist” her ankle and my mother told me “go play with Amanda while we look after your sister.”

Damn.

Amanda got happy-as-hell and grabbed my hand and led me up to her bedroom and all I could ask was “Why yo’ damn hand so sticky?” At that point in my life, the only young girls room I had ever been in was my sister’s so needless to say I was uncomfortable as all hell. Amanda got right up in face [because she was a "close-talker"] and asked me if I wanted to see her funhouse. PRAYING that that wasn’t a euphemism for something else, I reluctantly agreed and murmured something under my breathe about her breathe smelling like “sour a*s and onion” [which made me laugh out loud in my mind] and she quickly uttered “HUHHH?” I straightened my face and said “Nothing Amanda, can I see your funhouse now please?” and here’s where sh*t got outta hand.

Her: “We aren’t dressed nice enough to go in yet”
Me: “Word up. Ah well maybe next time”
Her: “NOOO we have to change – me first”
Me: {F*^K!the first time I ever remember cussing to myself in my life}
Her: “I have a pretty blue dress with diamonds – wanna see?”
Me: “Mommaaaaaaaaa….Mummmaaa…Mommmyyyy”
Her: “Sit on the bed and watch me!”
*Grabs my hand with the force of the Ultimate Warrior and flings me down face first in the bed*
Me: *choking back tears* “Time out. Pause. You don’t need to change into the new dress homie, show me a picture. Yeah, that’ll do”
Her: “YAY!”

So she pulls out a HUGE picture album [You damn kids nowadays don't know about those with your damn digital cameras and newfangled technology] and as we are flipping through the album [with her sticky hand conspicuously on my right knee] I’m seeing a lot of black and white photographs which is confusing as hell to me. So I ask..
Me: “Are these pictures of your mom?”
Her: “NO!”
Me: “Hol’ up, how old are you?”
Her: “3 + 4″
Me: “On the real, you look a little older than 7″
Her: “I’M THIRTTTTTTTYYYYYYY-FOOOOUUURRRR! YAY!”

Nigga, I ran out that room like someone yelled FIRE. Ol’ aggressive a*s Amanda with the vice grip hands was a GROWN-A*S woman and I didn’t even have a spec of hair anywhere on my body except my head. I will admit I hit a Patti Labelle octave when I ran out and she grabbed me by my jean jacket and I screamed like a little bee-yotch but damn that was some scary sh*t.

Well ThisIsYourConscience readers, I say we are like family, so there is my painful childhood memory posted here for your reading pleasure. But as a grown a*s man sometimes I do wonder – maybe Amanda might have been a freak.

just playin…ohhhh you so sensitive…

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

49 Comments

  1. DatchikMalix

    11/30/2010 at 8:55 AM

    Oh dear Lincl! LOL

    thank you for sharing!!!!!! *tries really hard to say this with a straight face* BAAAHHHAAAA!

    (couldn't do it LOL)

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      11/30/2010 at 11:43 AM

      Amanda & Her Brute Force Strength Were Scary As Hell!

  2. maxfab

    11/30/2010 at 9:08 AM

    Here lies Max. Hysterical laughter from reading this post caused her to choke to death.

  3. HLBB

    11/30/2010 at 11:32 AM

    Oh. Dear.

  4. lincolnanthonyblades

    11/30/2010 at 11:42 AM

    I Got Some Extra Gasoline For Your Draws If You Need It..

    • Independent Woman

      11/30/2010 at 6:21 PM

      Something tells me I might need it…lol

  5. imakesense

    11/30/2010 at 12:00 PM

    OMG this can't be life! *wipes tears*

    How old were you? And she was 34 and could pass for a kid? SMFH Damn pedophile!

  6. Tisha

    11/30/2010 at 12:12 PM

    Bhahahahahahahahaha 1) I did volunteer work w/ the mentally ill when I was younger so I know exactly what your talking about 2) As I was reading this the tv was on The View and guess who they have as a guest? Bob Saget lmao

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      11/30/2010 at 11:40 AM

      Hilarious

  7. The_Mad_HATER

    11/30/2010 at 2:09 PM

    lol! cot dayum!!

  8. The_Mad_HATER

    11/30/2010 at 3:26 PM

    lol @ crippling pain!!

  9. Streetz

    11/30/2010 at 3:36 PM

    Funniest post EVER!

  10. Serena

    11/30/2010 at 4:03 PM

    Lmfao. That story was hilarious! I’m 34!!!!!! Poor thing.

  11. Vanessa

    11/30/2010 at 4:36 PM

    LMAOOOOO #FLATLINE

  12. Queen Erudite

    11/30/2010 at 6:23 PM

    Wow.

  13. ATLienSince82

    11/30/2010 at 7:15 PM

    Bob Saget-ass almost caught you slipping!! LOL!

  14. KeyStone

    12/02/2010 at 4:46 AM

    im super brand new & im in LOVE with this site!! ^_^… althoughout this post i was dying laughing.. omg!!! so hilarious lol … ::ahem:: im so sorry… lol made my night/morning

    • A Grown Ass Man

      12/02/2010 at 11:37 AM

      Welcome!

  15. Sarah Petro George

    12/03/2010 at 1:46 PM

    I am in TEARS!!! That story was all sorts of magical and fantastic LOL

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      12/04/2010 at 5:11 PM

      LoL!

  16. InternetMark

    08/20/2011 at 7:57 AM

    Thanks for the post. its really amazing and interesting.

  17. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/28/2011 at 1:12 AM

    I Had To Bring This One Back For The Newbies…

  18. Stephen Quammie

    09/28/2011 at 1:39 AM

    OMFG I can't stop laughing. Brought a tear to my eyes man. Thank you.

  19. Paul Brown

    09/28/2011 at 2:34 AM

    Funny

  20. Adaisha

    09/28/2011 at 7:21 AM

    DWL! What possessed me to read this on the GO train? I can only imagine what my face looked like after I bursted out laughing and tried (failed) to compose myself. Great post!

  21. Dante Powell

    09/28/2011 at 11:35 AM

    This reminds me of the "Down Syndrome Girl" song from "Family Guy"!

  22. Billy

    09/28/2011 at 11:45 AM

    BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Now I can go get my yearly review..without fear

  23. AreYouSeriousReally

    09/28/2011 at 12:38 PM

    I don't know what's funnier, the fact that I read this on another blog about….2 years ago, or the fact that you are actually trying to pass it off as a moment in 'your' childhood. Bloggers are getting desperate these days, lmao.

    Or maybe your readers simply aren't getting your sarcasm in using a story that has been passed around online ALOT? Hm.

    I do applaud you for adding a new start to the story though with the 'bob saget' character.

    Kinda weird though to be honest.

    • imakesense

      09/28/2011 at 6:14 PM

      oh damn

    • Kam

      09/28/2011 at 8:21 PM

      Ah, Lincoln are you going to respond to this? Is this story plagiarized?

      • Lincoln Anthony Blades

        09/30/2011 at 4:13 PM

        Why Would I Respond To Absolute BULLSHIT From An Anonymous Douchebag Who Didn't Even Post A Link To This "Plagarized" Story…?

        • Kam

          09/30/2011 at 8:15 PM

          B/c sometimes people need to be put in their place. Your sister handled the situation very elegantly.

    • @MzLlycia

      09/29/2011 at 10:24 PM

      So I typically don't post on TIYC cause I like to let Lincoln do his own thing but I don't take accusations of plagarism lightly. As Lincoln's sister I remember this day clearly…so how many other people get to spend their march break going with their mom to a workplace outing is either a) a very odd coincidence or b) they made up a story that we actually lived through.

  24. KemaVA

    09/28/2011 at 2:00 PM

    Wow! I just think about how this would have went down in reverse. Kinda scary!

  25. Crystal Promo-Fernandez

    09/28/2011 at 2:05 PM

    LMAO!!!!!!

    I'm dead and gone!!

  26. HerCommonSense

    09/28/2011 at 2:06 PM

    Can't….breathe…still….crying from laughing!

  27. ChellzBellzzz

    09/28/2011 at 9:28 PM

    This has to be one of the funniest stories I've ever heard in my life…I literally was crying…smh now my side hurts LMAO!

  28. Kizzy

    08/02/2012 at 5:59 AM

    SMH!

    Cant stop laughing!

  29. @IamSomethngElse

    08/02/2012 at 6:31 AM

    Ohhh so this is what you needed insight on?? You're painful past? ?? I am in tears over here! Lol

  30. Laura

    08/02/2012 at 6:43 AM

    I just want to add that I don't think the term "mentally retarded" is actually politically correct…but anywho,do you

  31. Gina

    08/02/2012 at 8:34 AM

    Amanda, Amanda, Amanda….I wonder where she is now?

  32. B.T.

    08/02/2012 at 8:54 AM

    Wow! Lol! You can't make this shit up!

  33. iluvwhoiluv

    08/02/2012 at 9:29 AM

    I was trying hard not to laugh….but this is just so incredibly ticklish to my funny bone…thanks so much for sharing. You should do a follow up on Amanda–where is she now and what she is doing…and if you accidentally run into her..

  34. Jared

    08/02/2012 at 10:21 AM

    You guys are laughing because it happened to a guy. What if the woman was a guy or lincon was a girl i bet you guys would not laugh after that.

  35. NurseJilly

    08/02/2012 at 10:22 AM

    LMAO!!!
    Laughed just as much today as I did reading this for the 1st time.

  36. Shuffateets

    10/16/2013 at 6:17 PM

    I'm laughin cuz it happened to a queer boy! Yo coulda got some retarded pussy, the best pussy they ever was, 'n you ran outa the room??? A retarded 34 year old gal all gizzed up fer ya will be the best fuck of your life – like fuckin a wild animal. Man, you messed up!

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