The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector

Readers of TIYC, I have a pretty traumatic story I want to share with you. Many years ago when I was a young, single man, I went to a party with my friend, his girlfriend, and her homegirl. At the end of the night, I decided to spit some game at the homegirl because she was looking very thick and cute, and I figured my game must have been on point because my boy and his girl couldn’t stop smiling at me while I was kicking my lyrics. She was feeling me so she punched her number in my phone and I went on my merry way. When I got in the car, my friend’s smile turned into a FULL BLOWN laugh, complete with tears running down his face. What was so funny you ask? Well, apparently I just chopped a chick whose vagina was spitting more hot fire than Dylan in Da’ Band.

As soon as my boy told me that ol’ girl had HERPES, I immediately disinfected my hands and threw that phone out the window onto the grass, like a transporter dumping a key with the Feds on his back. I was completely ignorant about how it was spread, but the fact that her arm lightly grazed against mine at one point made me bandage my forearm with my jacket and swear never to touch it until I got home and showered. The fact that this chick did not tell me her nani was hotter than Tim Tebow in the 4th quarter had me CHEESED. And it was from that day onward I decided society needed a change.

The side of the story we NEVER heard…

The harsh truth is that people with Herpes do NOT and will NOT feel the need to disclose that information to anyone they date until they both mutually decide to have sex [IF at all] and to me that is completely unacceptable. I don’t care if it’s dormant or on a four-alarm blaze, I should be provided with the opportunity to know what I’m getting myself into, literally. And with that notion in mind, I came up with what is the MOST ingenious product created in the 21st century – The Herpes Detector.

The Herpes Detector is a device that will alert poor, innocent and unsuspecting men and women of which members of our society are infected. This way people can be informed BEFORE they decide to dive-in, as opposed to finding out after in a terribly harsh-manner..

like this.

Here’s how it works: Once you take a test and it is revealed that you have herpes, a process server [the dudes who approach you and notify you that you’ve “been served” in a court case] would track you down, find you, and indicate that your ass has 24 hours to apply the “Booty-boot.” This boot is a mini, body-friendly version of the boot that goes around your car, yet this is strapped around your waist in a firetruck red material that is soft yet unbreakable. It’s not easily visible when wearing clothes, so the person can maintain their dignity at work – but here’s the great catch: The wrap can sense a rush of blood down to a man’s loins or the moistening of a vagina [just in case someone tries to go on a date without notifying them of their “condition”] and the second it senses activity – it begins to wildly SMOKE. It will look like Snoop Doog’s dressing room in their underwear and that smoke will smell like a combination of Birdman’s breath and Rosie O’ Donnell’s armpits in the 4th quarter of a pick-up basketball game. This will let the innocent dater know that they are getting hot and heavy with someone concealing a loaded weapon between their legs or on their face.

Dude: “Ugh what’s wrong with your face?”
Herp: “Nothing, I ran into a wall..”
Dude: “A wall of what? Mr. Marcus’ semen?!”

People, let’s pool our funds together and prevent further frowsiness from being spread by cowardly and deceitful douchebags intent on ruining people out of misdirected anger and vengeance. Let’s get this product on the market before any more innocent people have their privates looking like they sat in a vat of boiled water.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

55 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/28/2012 at 1:42 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, When During The Dating Process Should People With Herpes Be REquired To Inform Their Partners [If At All]?!

  2. Laura

    08/28/2012 at 2:03 AM

    urm…I do hope that all of this wrap thing was a joke lol…that would never work.Herpes (the genital kind) can be highly undetectable.once infected,the virus remains hidden deep in the,until it is activated perhaps through stress,and thus begin the lesions.
    A person who has cold sores could pass it on as genital herpes through oral sex,and sometimes,the virus can still spread even though it is dormant/the person never got any signs/lesions.So,technically,most people have some form of herpes,most likely the oral one,which could have been passed on from an early age,as in childhood (parents kissing their kids),kissing others,or even sharing a drink.It is ALMOST impossible to avoid,and so therefore asking others to disclose such information (on the first night you met,of all things) might help you,but it also might not because a person that claims they do not might just not be aware that they have it.

  3. mena

    08/28/2012 at 2:12 AM

    Wow. First this post is all types of wrong. I don't know why yet, but I am sure I will find fault in it somewhere :-).

    Dude, ummm, like I don't even know how to respond to this but I do know that people will have sex without disclosing this information. For one, don't have sex without a condom AND def get a test and make sure you see the results together whether you will wear a condom or go raw.

    This should be disclosed off the bat. This isn't on the level of the entire debate we had about disclosing celibacy. This is an STD. I need to know immediately and will even give you until the first date to let me know. If we are talking before the first date on a regular then you need to let me know then.

    Also, we shouldn't stigmatize those that have an STD. This may be part of the reason why they don't say anything. Completely wrong on their part btw. But, if you are sexually active, you are but a few steps away from a STD.

  4. Alex

    08/28/2012 at 2:17 AM

    Good point but wearing a condom reduces your chances of getting Herpes,but it doesn't eliminate it.The virus is spread through skin contact so chances are still high

  5. Smilez_920

    08/28/2012 at 7:13 AM

    You don’t have to tell the world you have an std. But if you are past date one and you see things progressing you need to let that person know, right away.

    Celibacy is different at the end of the day I’m not giving you something , you can’t get rid of.

    I wish more people would have their partner tested before hand and use condoms.

  6. cynicaloptmst81

    08/28/2012 at 9:24 AM

    I am so pissed at you for that nasty picture that now has me nauseous. Thanks, smh.

    And though this is kinda funny, it's also a bit insensitive. Not everyone has herpes because they're nasty. Folks in what they believe to be committed relationships have contracted the STD as well. The shame they must feel…feeling like they may never have a loving relationship again…I can't even imagine.

    If you have not determined whether or not you'll sleep with someone, you do NOT have to disclose this. It's personal…and unless you are putting someone else at risk, its none of their business.

  7. John J

    08/28/2012 at 11:45 AM

    Anyone with a life-long STD or infection (or being celibate since that topic has popped up, LOL) should tell you at whatever ever date it is that is seems that a relationship, sexual or otherwise, is in order; it can be after dinner but it MUST be EXPLICITLY stated before the first kiss. Even if it means coming across as insensitive, when it comes to my health, I'm going to treat my body as the indispensable vessel it is. Last time I checked, sympathy doesn't even cure broken hearts, much less STDs.

    Yes, it's true that some people can not help how they were infected and that is quite unfortunate, and yes, people should not be stigmatized for what they have to live with, but that still isn't an excuse for not telling someone if they know they are infected because they didn't want to damper their social/love life. Condoms and other forms of "safe sex" DO NOT protect you from everything, including herpes (genital or oral). I mean, really think about it, although it is "small" chance of it happening, realistically because I cut myself shaving, my life COULD be changed from a non-sexual good night peck on the cheek at the wrong time. We could argue all day how small a chance of that happening is, but the fact that a chance exists that my mouth could look like that guy's mouth up there is too much to risk. That pic definitely canceled Christmas on kisses before our relationship is defined for me, LOL.

    But all jokes aside, I am curious as to how many people would knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who has an STD like Herpes(genital or oral). I don't think I could. There could never really be any spontaneous sex, but much more importantly, even if I decided to take my chances with my partner, the possibility that my children (if I change my mind from not wanting any) may have to live with that STD without having a say in the matter might just keep me from that. Call it selfish, but that's how I feel.

  8. MistaHarsh

    08/28/2012 at 3:17 PM

    While I see the point that you can't equate disclosing herpes to disclosing celibacy after all celibacy is a preference but herpes is NOT(!), disclosing either one leads ultimately to the same thing: Leaving your suitor with a tough decision to make determining whether they should proceed in the pursuit of courtship.

    But mind you only failing to disclose one of those can lead to high risk consequences – to levels of Chris brown/Rihanna type proportions

  9. Thinkaboutit

    08/28/2012 at 3:48 PM

    Keep in mind that something like 1 in 4 people in North America have either the oral or genital kind Of herpes. Out of that 1 in 4 don't know they have it because they have never had an outbreak. Also, that picture is an example of an EXTREME case, most people don't have reactions like that. Also, not all outbreaks look like that. It can be as little as chafing on the penis or little paper cut-like cuts (aka not easily identifiable as a problem). Then again, there are daily meds that can be taken to help avoid the risk of spreading
    The most important thing to remember is this: STD tests do NOT test for herpes. It is considered so common that they don't even bother. So for those who think they are "clean" may actually have a surprise coming their way…

  10. iluvwhoiluv

    08/29/2012 at 10:54 AM

    &lt;div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-430528228"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(430528228)"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Close Message&lt;/span&gt; Comment posted. &lt;p class="idc-nomargin"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http:/%2 <a href="http:// Fwww.thisisyourconscience.com/2012/08/the-most-ingenious-product-ever-created-the-herpes-detector/#IDComment430528228&t=I just commented on The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector&quot;” target=”_blank”> Fwww.thisisyourconscience.com/2012/08/the-most-ingenious-product-ever-created-the-herpes-detector/#IDComment430528228&t=I just commented on The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector" style="text-decoration: none;"&gt;&lt;span class="idc-share-inner"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Share on Facebook&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; or &lt;a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(430528228)"&gt;Close Message"But all jokes aside, I am curious as to how many people would knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who has an STD like Herpes(genital or oral)."

    I want to address John J's query (and with permission from my mutual friends, I will share their story but not their real names). Felicia, before she got together with my other friend, Malik, went through a traumatic experience, but initially was too ashamed to reveal to him. There was a guy she thought she was interested in dating, but after a few outings, knew he wasn't the one for her, and in the midst of letting this guy know, he assaulted her. She was too ashamed to go to the police; she just wanted to put the whole thing behind her. She just didn't want to go through the whole thing of being victimized (even I didn't know the story until way later). Few months down the line, she met Malik–happiest she had ever been in a while and she didn't want to tell Malik about what the other guy did to her.

    During her last test, she finds out she has Herpes (Malik is clean). All the other times, before the sexual assault, she didn't have the issue. In tears, she tells Malik about what happened and understands if he wants to end things, but she didn't know she had it beforehand. Malik, however, has decided to stay with her.

    I know this is pretty rare and most guys would have turned tail and ran. But he hasn't and they are very happy together.

    (so I admit I cannot be so quick to get on the insensitive and set the herpes out bandwagon simply because of knowing someone who has gone through the situation)

    but I do agree with not going around knowingly burning people…that is where I will leave it.

  11. Achick

    08/30/2012 at 2:31 AM

    I am quite offended by this post for a.couple of reasons. I love your blog and what an interesting topic to post. While I will keep my privacy I myself contracted HSV type 2 and I know first hand the bias people.feel.when disclosing this information and while it is not always bad there are members and friends I know who choose to not reveal this information primarily because of this horrible stigma behind it.. many may argue that it is a need to know info, others may say I am.taking my meds and haven't broken out so.I am good my partner doesn't need to know. And others choose to advocate it informing people.to get tested so.that they don't have to contract the virus and if they do that it is not the end of the word. Do I tell my potential partners and when? Yes and when I feel it is information they need to know. Thank.you though for the post because what's important is your talking about it and even.if people disagree at least it got heard.

  12. Gregory

    08/20/2013 at 5:54 PM

    It's true there needs to be more openness between partners on the herpes subject or any other sexually transmitted disease. It's only fair for another person to be made aware. However herpes can be dealt with using natural means with no side effects. Changing up your diet and introducing vegetables, legumes, cheese, fish and sea food, chicken and eggs will help you in neutralising and keeping the virus at bay.

  13. Guest D

    05/09/2014 at 11:51 AM

    I'm so sorry that promiscuous people like many of you get to laugh at monogamous people like me. My husband has been my one and only sex partner in my whole life. I'm pregnant with our second child and discovered (through ObGyn routine testing) that I contracted Herpes type 2.
    Thanks for the low blows, insensitive laughs and the epic message in a cookie. You guys have no heart, are full of judgemental stigma and could care less if someone like me has an undeserved STD for life. Not to talk about risks to my unborn child.
    Really, get a life. Be responsible.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *