The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector

Readers of TIYC, I have a pretty traumatic story I want to share with you. Many years ago when I was a young, single man, I went to a party with my friend, his girlfriend, and her homegirl. At the end of the night, I decided to spit some game at the homegirl because she was looking very thick and cute, and I figured my game must have been on point because my boy and his girl couldn’t stop smiling at me while I was kicking my lyrics. She was feeling me so she punched her number in my phone and I went on my merry way. When I got in the car, my friend’s smile turned into a FULL BLOWN laugh, complete with tears running down his face. What was so funny you ask? Well, apparently I just chopped a chick whose vagina was spitting more hot fire than Dylan in Da’ Band.

As soon as my boy told me that ol’ girl had HERPES, I immediately disinfected my hands and threw that phone out the window onto the grass, like a transporter dumping a key with the Feds on his back. I was completely ignorant about how it was spread, but the fact that her arm lightly grazed against mine at one point made me bandage my forearm with my jacket and swear never to touch it until I got home and showered. The fact that this chick did not tell me her nani was hotter than Tim Tebow in the 4th quarter had me CHEESED. And it was from that day onward I decided society needed a change.

The side of the story we NEVER heard…

The harsh truth is that people with Herpes do NOT and will NOT feel the need to disclose that information to anyone they date until they both mutually decide to have sex [IF at all] and to me that is completely unacceptable. I don’t care if it’s dormant or on a four-alarm blaze, I should be provided with the opportunity to know what I’m getting myself into, literally. And with that notion in mind, I came up with what is the MOST ingenious product created in the 21st century – The Herpes Detector.

The Herpes Detector is a device that will alert poor, innocent and unsuspecting men and women of which members of our society are infected. This way people can be informed BEFORE they decide to dive-in, as opposed to finding out after in a terribly harsh-manner..

like this.

Here’s how it works: Once you take a test and it is revealed that you have herpes, a process server [the dudes who approach you and notify you that you've "been served" in a court case] would track you down, find you, and indicate that your ass has 24 hours to apply the “Booty-boot.” This boot is a mini, body-friendly version of the boot that goes around your car, yet this is strapped around your waist in a firetruck red material that is soft yet unbreakable. It’s not easily visible when wearing clothes, so the person can maintain their dignity at work – but here’s the great catch: The wrap can sense a rush of blood down to a man’s loins or the moistening of a vagina [just in case someone tries to go on a date without notifying them of their "condition"] and the second it senses activity – it begins to wildly SMOKE. It will look like Snoop Doog’s dressing room in their underwear and that smoke will smell like a combination of Birdman’s breath and Rosie O’ Donnell’s armpits in the 4th quarter of a pick-up basketball game. This will let the innocent dater know that they are getting hot and heavy with someone concealing a loaded weapon between their legs or on their face.

Dude: “Ugh what’s wrong with your face?”
Herp: “Nothing, I ran into a wall..”
Dude: “A wall of what? Mr. Marcus’ semen?!”

People, let’s pool our funds together and prevent further frowsiness from being spread by cowardly and deceitful douchebags intent on ruining people out of misdirected anger and vengeance. Let’s get this product on the market before any more innocent people have their privates looking like they sat in a vat of boiled water.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

55 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/28/2012 at 1:42 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, When During The Dating Process Should People With Herpes Be REquired To Inform Their Partners [If At All]?!

    • NurseJilly

      08/28/2012 at 2:22 PM

      Absolutely should be discussed very early on.

      The CDC estimates that 1 in 6 males and 1 in 5 females between the ages of 14-49 are knowingly or unknowingly infected with this. And that is growing by the day.

      Bottom line is its our job to protect ourselves and if no discussion is being had with a new partner prior to sex thats just irresponsible.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/28/2012 at 3:33 PM

        That's My Entire Point Right There.

  2. Laura

    08/28/2012 at 2:03 AM

    urm…I do hope that all of this wrap thing was a joke lol…that would never work.Herpes (the genital kind) can be highly undetectable.once infected,the virus remains hidden deep in the,until it is activated perhaps through stress,and thus begin the lesions.
    A person who has cold sores could pass it on as genital herpes through oral sex,and sometimes,the virus can still spread even though it is dormant/the person never got any signs/lesions.So,technically,most people have some form of herpes,most likely the oral one,which could have been passed on from an early age,as in childhood (parents kissing their kids),kissing others,or even sharing a drink.It is ALMOST impossible to avoid,and so therefore asking others to disclose such information (on the first night you met,of all things) might help you,but it also might not because a person that claims they do not might just not be aware that they have it.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/28/2012 at 4:03 AM

      If Someone KNOWS They Have It, Do You Think It's Important They Reveal It?

      • Smilez_920

        08/28/2012 at 9:12 AM

        Yes. You need to tell your partner. If you are thinking about perusing this person past a first date you should let them know what your bringing to the table. Same with celibacy. Don't hide those major life impacts until 3 and 4 months down the line. That's not fair to the person your interested in.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          08/28/2012 at 10:30 AM

          Co-Sign! I Do NOT Support Deceit of Any Kind, And The Idea That I Should Feel SORRY For Someone Trying To Outright Deceive An Innocent Person Is Beyond Me.

        • ChloeRayne516

          08/28/2012 at 1:22 PM

          Agreed!!

      • iluvwhoiluv

        08/29/2012 at 10:32 AM

        Yes, it should be revealed if they know they have it…

    • iluvwhoiluv

      08/29/2012 at 10:31 AM

      Laura you are definitely on point with this one.

  3. mena

    08/28/2012 at 2:12 AM

    Wow. First this post is all types of wrong. I don't know why yet, but I am sure I will find fault in it somewhere :-).

    Dude, ummm, like I don't even know how to respond to this but I do know that people will have sex without disclosing this information. For one, don't have sex without a condom AND def get a test and make sure you see the results together whether you will wear a condom or go raw.

    This should be disclosed off the bat. This isn't on the level of the entire debate we had about disclosing celibacy. This is an STD. I need to know immediately and will even give you until the first date to let me know. If we are talking before the first date on a regular then you need to let me know then.

    Also, we shouldn't stigmatize those that have an STD. This may be part of the reason why they don't say anything. Completely wrong on their part btw. But, if you are sexually active, you are but a few steps away from a STD.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/28/2012 at 4:02 AM

      Explain How This Is Different From The Celibacy Debate? The Point Y'all Made Then Was That If You Haven't Decided Whether Or Not You're Going To Sleep With That Person, Then You DON'T Have To Disclose Anything. How's This Different?

      • mena

        08/28/2012 at 4:46 AM

        It's different bc this is a life long infection that screws up your sex life for LIFE and can be passed to your children. Come on now Lincoln. :-)

        Telling someone that your celibate on the first date is pushing it. Celibacy or choosing not to have sex for a while doesn't mean that the person isn't going to get laid eventually and it damn sure doesn't mean that once they get laid you could possible pass on an STD effecting their overall health. Telling someone from the get go that you have an STD is just something you should do since attracting a virus can harm your health and the rest of your life.

        Are you going to seriously equate a conversation revealing that you have an STD/I with a conversation that you won't be getting laid in the next few months?

        Also, I never said not to disclose, I said disclosing on the first date was ridiculous and presumptuous that you would get the ass to begin with.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          08/28/2012 at 10:31 AM

          I Don't By Proxy Of Being On The Date Itself Makes ALL Of That Information Fair Game…

        • MistaHarsh

          08/28/2012 at 1:48 PM

          "Are you going to seriously equate a conversation revealing that you have an STD/I with a conversation that you won't be getting laid in the next few months?"

          With all due respect having either of those conversations can be equally as devastating

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            08/28/2012 at 3:34 PM

            Yup! Real talk right here.

          • mena

            08/28/2012 at 3:41 PM

            If you say so Mista.

    • MistaHarsh

      08/28/2012 at 1:44 PM

      Yes there's a stigma with having a std so fine by me if you don't disclose – BUT don't engage in any courtship that can lead to sexual contact of ANY kind if you want to take that route.

      • mena

        08/28/2012 at 3:39 PM

        So we are in agreement.

  4. Alex

    08/28/2012 at 2:17 AM

    Good point but wearing a condom reduces your chances of getting Herpes,but it doesn't eliminate it.The virus is spread through skin contact so chances are still high

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/28/2012 at 4:00 AM

      So The Wrap Should Be A Chastity Belt? Interesting.

    • iluvwhoiluv

      08/29/2012 at 10:33 AM

      Good point, Alex.

  5. Smilez_920

    08/28/2012 at 7:13 AM

    You don’t have to tell the world you have an std. But if you are past date one and you see things progressing you need to let that person know, right away.

    Celibacy is different at the end of the day I’m not giving you something , you can’t get rid of.

    I wish more people would have their partner tested before hand and use condoms.

    • mena

      08/28/2012 at 7:38 AM

      Thank you!! Some people should just have questionnaires that they send to potential dates before they even have the first date or get their number. Just simply say "Instead of me having your number, can I have your email address. I have a questionnaire I would like to send you and depending on your answers, I will then ask for your number." this would be different from online dating since you could ask if they were celibate, had an STD, number of people they are sleeping with at the moment, where their mama went to school, if they ever had a same sex encounter, etc.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/28/2012 at 11:00 AM

        You laugh, but that is what a lot of good people could use. This idea that everyone deserves to be conspicuous even with matters affecting other people, is the reason why people feel so comfortable not revealing important things about themselves.

        • mena

          08/28/2012 at 12:34 PM

          No one said anything about not being honest. I do believe that if you have an STD, you need to reveal this at the beginning of the dating period. When it comes to celibacy, I just don't feel the same way. You and I are agreeing on one pt but disagreeing on another.

  6. cynicaloptmst81

    08/28/2012 at 9:24 AM

    I am so pissed at you for that nasty picture that now has me nauseous. Thanks, smh.

    And though this is kinda funny, it's also a bit insensitive. Not everyone has herpes because they're nasty. Folks in what they believe to be committed relationships have contracted the STD as well. The shame they must feel…feeling like they may never have a loving relationship again…I can't even imagine.

    If you have not determined whether or not you'll sleep with someone, you do NOT have to disclose this. It's personal…and unless you are putting someone else at risk, its none of their business.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/28/2012 at 10:58 AM

      But doesn't a date indicate a willingness to see that person as a potential lover?

      • cynicaloptmst81

        08/28/2012 at 11:56 AM

        Willingness and a firm decision to do something is not the same thing…

        It's not their job to protect folks from the blow to their ego for falling into like with someone who has herpes.

        • mena

          08/28/2012 at 12:35 PM

          Agreed wholeheartedly. Lincoln equates a chick accepting a date with him as someone that wants to bone him immediately. That just isn't going to always be the case.

        • Smilez_920

          08/28/2012 at 1:17 PM

          Yes and no. I wouldn't want anyone telling someone they just met that they have herpes, but how long is too long to wait and reveil that.

          Example: let's say you go on a date with a man who is HiV positive and he is aware of it. Now of course he doesn't tell you on the first date because there he's not sure if he wants to presue you serously. Fast forward 4 weeks later you guys are hitting it off great your starting to really fall for him. You guys agree to take it slow with having sex, but he still doesn't let you know he has HIV. Now y'all are at month 5 you guys are both ready to " do it". You fell for him under the pretense that thus far he has been honest with you. Now that the time is coming near he finally tells you he has HIV. You cant tell me you wouldn't feel like he lead you on, by not telling you around week 4 that he had HIV.

          Of course I respects another persons right to privacy but when your privacy could cause a drastic change to my situation, you can't let sh'*t linger.

          • cynicaloptmst81

            08/28/2012 at 1:33 PM

            According to your example, the chick had a responsibility as well…ASKING about his health status. The convo should have come up at some point during the 5 months. If he's asked and he lies, thats a problem right there. At that point (day 1 or otherwise), he should honestly answer your question. I think he should have offered the info. once you discussed chex…or once it was obvious that you both were easing into being emotionally involved.

          • Smilez_920

            08/28/2012 at 1:45 PM

            So if she ask on the third date do you have anything that you can't get rid of " aids, herpes " is she wrong for asking? Is that being intrusive.

            I'm sorry but if you have something you can't get rid of you need to let people know that early on. Yes she should have asked his status but if you know you have a std like that, you should let ppl know even if they don't ask first. That's part of the responsibility you have to take once you know you have a std that's going to be around forever.

          • Smilez_920

            08/28/2012 at 1:52 PM

            I'm sorry but that's still to long for me. If you got aids or herpes I need To know that by the end of month one. If you don't say it I'll ask, very bluntly. And if I feel like I had to pull it out of you then I'm out.

          • cynicaloptmst81

            08/28/2012 at 2:50 PM

            Well were you talking every day that month? How many times did you go out? Is he feeling you as a person/potential at the same rate or to the same degree that you are feeling him?

            All relationships progress differently. The when will depend on what's happening and how it's happening.

            Also, lets all be mindful that we are only but so safe. Any chexual encounter is a risk. How would you feel if you were faced with these challenges? I think its hard to say what you'd do or how you'd do it if you're not in that situation. I don't have herpes…but I know at least one person who does. This person deserves a choice in how and when they disclose ANY personal business to others…especially when not putting others at risk.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          08/28/2012 at 3:35 PM

          But is this really a matter of "ego" tho?

          • cynicaloptmst81

            08/28/2012 at 4:13 PM

            In the early stage? Yes…and fear because of the stigma.

            Y'all haven't kissed…haven't had sex. Haven't even discussed a relationship on any level really. So what are you REALLY upset about? If neither of you have brought up health status, it's not deception. You're just talking, hanging, and getting to know each other. If the person is asked and they lie, that's another issue. They should be totally honest…even on day 1…if asked directly. And, again, if its apparent y'all are both on the same page with becoming chexual or that y'all are shifting to an emotional level, the infected person has no choice but to disclose it then. For me, that's fair. It gives me the option to weigh what it is or could potentially be and who they are with the risk involved…to see the person and not just the disease. And to honestly and sensitively state what I'm comfortable with ("let's just be friends" or "we can proceed with proper planning and help from a health professional").

          • cynicaloptmst81

            08/28/2012 at 4:13 PM

            These are people…with feelings…not lab rats…and they shouldn't have to wear a scarlet letter or disclose their status to any interested party that says "hi" to them. That's an unfair and heartless expectation.

          • Smilez_920

            08/28/2012 at 4:54 PM

            I think we're saying the same thing. My issue is just time. Other than that I wouldn't expect anyone to go around shouting out there status to every person who, flirts with them or asks them out on a date.

          • iluvwhoiluv

            08/29/2012 at 10:36 AM

            I definitely agree.

  7. John J

    08/28/2012 at 11:45 AM

    Anyone with a life-long STD or infection (or being celibate since that topic has popped up, LOL) should tell you at whatever ever date it is that is seems that a relationship, sexual or otherwise, is in order; it can be after dinner but it MUST be EXPLICITLY stated before the first kiss. Even if it means coming across as insensitive, when it comes to my health, I'm going to treat my body as the indispensable vessel it is. Last time I checked, sympathy doesn't even cure broken hearts, much less STDs.

    Yes, it's true that some people can not help how they were infected and that is quite unfortunate, and yes, people should not be stigmatized for what they have to live with, but that still isn't an excuse for not telling someone if they know they are infected because they didn't want to damper their social/love life. Condoms and other forms of "safe sex" DO NOT protect you from everything, including herpes (genital or oral). I mean, really think about it, although it is "small" chance of it happening, realistically because I cut myself shaving, my life COULD be changed from a non-sexual good night peck on the cheek at the wrong time. We could argue all day how small a chance of that happening is, but the fact that a chance exists that my mouth could look like that guy's mouth up there is too much to risk. That pic definitely canceled Christmas on kisses before our relationship is defined for me, LOL.

    But all jokes aside, I am curious as to how many people would knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who has an STD like Herpes(genital or oral). I don't think I could. There could never really be any spontaneous sex, but much more importantly, even if I decided to take my chances with my partner, the possibility that my children (if I change my mind from not wanting any) may have to live with that STD without having a say in the matter might just keep me from that. Call it selfish, but that's how I feel.

    • NurseJilly

      08/28/2012 at 2:25 PM

      Agreed!!

      Another scary fact is that studies are showing a link between genital herpes and the virus that causes AIDS. Herpes can make people more susceptible to HIV infection, and it can make HIV-infected individuals more infectious.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        08/28/2012 at 3:38 PM

        Really? Is this new data because that's scary as hell.

        • NurseJilly

          08/28/2012 at 4:02 PM

          This is something that has been looked @ for years. This was published by the Centre for HIV Information, University of California San Francisco. CDC this year.

          Having genital herpes can increase the risk of being infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, and it can cause serious problems for people living with HIV.

          People who have genital herpes sores are more likely to be infected with HIV during intercourse. When you develop a sore, the immune system tries to heal it, so there are many immune cells concentrated in that spot. Those are the cells that HIV infects. If HIV in semen, vaginal fluid, or blood comes in contact with a herpes sore, the risk for infection is high.

          HIV and the genital herpes virus are a troublesome duo. One can worsen the effects of the other. Research shows that when the herpes virus is active, it may cause HIV to make more copies of itself (the process called replication) than it would otherwise. The more HIV replicates, the more of the body's infection-fighting cells it destroys, eventually leading to AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome).

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      08/28/2012 at 3:38 PM

      I think it's necessary to be selfish in some situations, and your health is one of them.

  8. MistaHarsh

    08/28/2012 at 3:17 PM

    While I see the point that you can't equate disclosing herpes to disclosing celibacy after all celibacy is a preference but herpes is NOT(!), disclosing either one leads ultimately to the same thing: Leaving your suitor with a tough decision to make determining whether they should proceed in the pursuit of courtship.

    But mind you only failing to disclose one of those can lead to high risk consequences – to levels of Chris brown/Rihanna type proportions

    • mena

      08/28/2012 at 3:47 PM

      I wholeheartedly agree with your last sentence.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        08/28/2012 at 4:40 PM

        Me too.

  9. Thinkaboutit

    08/28/2012 at 3:48 PM

    Keep in mind that something like 1 in 4 people in North America have either the oral or genital kind Of herpes. Out of that 1 in 4 don't know they have it because they have never had an outbreak. Also, that picture is an example of an EXTREME case, most people don't have reactions like that. Also, not all outbreaks look like that. It can be as little as chafing on the penis or little paper cut-like cuts (aka not easily identifiable as a problem). Then again, there are daily meds that can be taken to help avoid the risk of spreading
    The most important thing to remember is this: STD tests do NOT test for herpes. It is considered so common that they don't even bother. So for those who think they are "clean" may actually have a surprise coming their way…

  10. iluvwhoiluv

    08/29/2012 at 10:54 AM

    &lt;div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-430528228"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(430528228)"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Close Message&lt;/span&gt; Comment posted. &lt;p class="idc-nomargin"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http:/%2 <a href="http:// Fwww.thisisyourconscience.com/2012/08/the-most-ingenious-product-ever-created-the-herpes-detector/#IDComment430528228&t=I just commented on The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector&quot;” target=”_blank”> Fwww.thisisyourconscience.com/2012/08/the-most-ingenious-product-ever-created-the-herpes-detector/#IDComment430528228&t=I just commented on The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector" style="text-decoration: none;"&gt;&lt;span class="idc-share-inner"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Share on Facebook&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; or &lt;a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(430528228)"&gt;Close Message"But all jokes aside, I am curious as to how many people would knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who has an STD like Herpes(genital or oral)."

    I want to address John J's query (and with permission from my mutual friends, I will share their story but not their real names). Felicia, before she got together with my other friend, Malik, went through a traumatic experience, but initially was too ashamed to reveal to him. There was a guy she thought she was interested in dating, but after a few outings, knew he wasn't the one for her, and in the midst of letting this guy know, he assaulted her. She was too ashamed to go to the police; she just wanted to put the whole thing behind her. She just didn't want to go through the whole thing of being victimized (even I didn't know the story until way later). Few months down the line, she met Malik–happiest she had ever been in a while and she didn't want to tell Malik about what the other guy did to her.

    During her last test, she finds out she has Herpes (Malik is clean). All the other times, before the sexual assault, she didn't have the issue. In tears, she tells Malik about what happened and understands if he wants to end things, but she didn't know she had it beforehand. Malik, however, has decided to stay with her.

    I know this is pretty rare and most guys would have turned tail and ran. But he hasn't and they are very happy together.

    (so I admit I cannot be so quick to get on the insensitive and set the herpes out bandwagon simply because of knowing someone who has gone through the situation)

    but I do agree with not going around knowingly burning people…that is where I will leave it.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      08/29/2012 at 11:58 AM

      Thanks for sharing this. The person I know was engaged when they found out. The fiance was informed…and chose to stay. Now they are married…and the person wasn't and isn't infected.

  11. Achick

    08/30/2012 at 2:31 AM

    I am quite offended by this post for a.couple of reasons. I love your blog and what an interesting topic to post. While I will keep my privacy I myself contracted HSV type 2 and I know first hand the bias people.feel.when disclosing this information and while it is not always bad there are members and friends I know who choose to not reveal this information primarily because of this horrible stigma behind it.. many may argue that it is a need to know info, others may say I am.taking my meds and haven't broken out so.I am good my partner doesn't need to know. And others choose to advocate it informing people.to get tested so.that they don't have to contract the virus and if they do that it is not the end of the word. Do I tell my potential partners and when? Yes and when I feel it is information they need to know. Thank.you though for the post because what's important is your talking about it and even.if people disagree at least it got heard.

  12. Gregory

    08/20/2013 at 5:54 PM

    It's true there needs to be more openness between partners on the herpes subject or any other sexually transmitted disease. It's only fair for another person to be made aware. However herpes can be dealt with using natural means with no side effects. Changing up your diet and introducing vegetables, legumes, cheese, fish and sea food, chicken and eggs will help you in neutralising and keeping the virus at bay.

  13. Guest D

    05/09/2014 at 11:51 AM

    I'm so sorry that promiscuous people like many of you get to laugh at monogamous people like me. My husband has been my one and only sex partner in my whole life. I'm pregnant with our second child and discovered (through ObGyn routine testing) that I contracted Herpes type 2.
    Thanks for the low blows, insensitive laughs and the epic message in a cookie. You guys have no heart, are full of judgemental stigma and could care less if someone like me has an undeserved STD for life. Not to talk about risks to my unborn child.
    Really, get a life. Be responsible.

    • James

      06/08/2014 at 9:11 AM

      Thats right just a bunch of ignorant niggers here. I was a chid when I got cold sores from my mother….I dont have gential herpes and my mother has had two husbands for years and neither ever got oral herpes. So now I as an adult am never supposed to have sex because I was given a choice and so these people like the author want to tell me what I can and cant do and spur senseless misinformation. Yeah you would think a group of people who human rights is such an important issue would understand this.

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