The Most INGENIOUS Product EVER Created: The Herpes Detector

Readers of TIYC, I have a pretty traumatic story I want to share with you. Many years ago when I was a young, single man, I went to a party with my friend, his girlfriend, and her homegirl. At the end of the night, I decided to spit some game at the homegirl because she was looking very thick and cute, and I figured my game must have been on point because my boy and his girl couldn’t stop smiling at me while I was kicking my lyrics. She was feeling me so she punched her number in my phone and I went on my merry way. When I got in the car, my friend’s smile turned into a FULL BLOWN laugh, complete with tears running down his face. What was so funny you ask? Well, apparently I just chopped a chick whose vagina was spitting more hot fire than Dylan in Da’ Band.

As soon as my boy told me that ol’ girl had HERPES, I immediately disinfected my hands and threw that phone out the window onto the grass, like a transporter dumping a key with the Feds on his back. I was completely ignorant about how it was spread, but the fact that her arm lightly grazed against mine at one point made me bandage my forearm with my jacket and swear never to touch it until I got home and showered. The fact that this chick did not tell me her nani was hotter than Tim Tebow in the 4th quarter had me CHEESED. And it was from that day onward I decided society needed a change.

The side of the story we NEVER heard…

The harsh truth is that people with Herpes do NOT and will NOT feel the need to disclose that information to anyone they date until they both mutually decide to have sex [IF at all] and to me that is completely unacceptable. I don’t care if it’s dormant or on a four-alarm blaze, I should be provided with the opportunity to know what I’m getting myself into, literally. And with that notion in mind, I came up with what is the MOST ingenious product created in the 21st century – The Herpes Detector.

The Herpes Detector is a device that will alert poor, innocent and unsuspecting men and women of which members of our society are infected. This way people can be informed BEFORE they decide to dive-in, as opposed to finding out after in a terribly harsh-manner..

like this.

Here’s how it works: Once you take a test and it is revealed that you have herpes, a process server [the dudes who approach you and notify you that you’ve “been served” in a court case] would track you down, find you, and indicate that your ass has 24 hours to apply the “Booty-boot.” This boot is a mini, body-friendly version of the boot that goes around your car, yet this is strapped around your waist in a firetruck red material that is soft yet unbreakable. It’s not easily visible when wearing clothes, so the person can maintain their dignity at work – but here’s the great catch: The wrap can sense a rush of blood down to a man’s loins or the moistening of a vagina [just in case someone tries to go on a date without notifying them of their “condition”] and the second it senses activity – it begins to wildly SMOKE. It will look like Snoop Doog’s dressing room in their underwear and that smoke will smell like a combination of Birdman’s breath and Rosie O’ Donnell’s armpits in the 4th quarter of a pick-up basketball game. This will let the innocent dater know that they are getting hot and heavy with someone concealing a loaded weapon between their legs or on their face.

Dude: “Ugh what’s wrong with your face?”
Herp: “Nothing, I ran into a wall..”
Dude: “A wall of what? Mr. Marcus’ semen?!”

People, let’s pool our funds together and prevent further frowsiness from being spread by cowardly and deceitful douchebags intent on ruining people out of misdirected anger and vengeance. Let’s get this product on the market before any more innocent people have their privates looking like they sat in a vat of boiled water.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

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