The Pitfalls Of Dating The Potentially “Perfect” Person

She’s everything you think you SHOULD want…but something’s just – off.

If you are a grown-ass adult with a decent dating experience, there’s a high probability you’ve dated the potentially “Perfect” person before. This is someone who could be absolutely amazing on paper [great career, makes good money, own car, own place, successful, etc], or someone that fits much of your necessary personality and character traits [smart, funny, charismatic, ambitious, etc.], or someone who everyone else feels a vibe with [the one your parents, friends and co-workers ALL like]. This person is such OBVIOUS long-term potential and filled with so many traits that you admire, that it becomes easy to see them as the love of your life, except for one small problem: You just don’t like them like THAT.

And every time you feel those seeds of neglect and doubt rear their ugly head, you FIGHT that feeling with ALL your might because you feel as if succumbing to those “petty” issues would be tantamount to blowing your great future with a great person simply because you are too immature to handle the problems of a real serious relationship. Some women have men that are smart, driven and successful, but are BORED to TEARS by him and find him slightly pompous – but she stays because of the perceived “perfection” in regards to his high husband-material stature. Some men have women that are loving, devoted and highly intellectual, yet he can’t get over her the fact she has no sense of humour – but he won’t break up with her because she’s WIFEY-material. And when these men and women find themselves in these situations, feeling the way they do, the predominant emotion they are flooded with is GUILT – because they feel like they should be able to RISE above those “small BS” issues.

But here’s the thing: That feeling in your gut telling you that’s NOT the right person for you should NOT be ignored. You need to embrace it, because [as much as you don’t want to admit it] all that persons perceived “perfection” does not equate into them being perfect FOR YOU.

Your parents think he’s perfect; Your friends think he’s perfect; But you just can’t dig him – like THAT.

The feeling you are having is NOT wrong. In fact, it’s more right than you can ever imagine, because its preventing you from making what may be the biggest dating disaster of your entire life. Since your mind has processed the perceived perfection of this person, you will begin to force yourself to love them because you feel “you SHOULD.” This will lead to you extending a flawed courtship into a problematic relationship and maybe even a marred marriage, all because they seem like the right person for you on paper.

You are NOT over-thinking it – your heart is simply giving you warning signs that you would be smart to take heed of.

Now, I’m not advocating you embody the 80/20 rule [ruling someone out who has 80% of the things you want, because they don’t have that extra 20%], but I AM advocating that when you feel those emotions, you adequately examine if what’s bothering you is truly that 20%. In the case of the woman above, being bored with her lover may SEEM like a small thing [20%] to her, but that may be a CRUCIAL value that’s extremely important for her man to have. In the dudes’ case, having a woman with a sense of humour may SEEM like an unnecessary attribute, but maybe that is INCREDIBLY more important to him than he knows at the time.

So here’s the point: Being with the person thats SEEMS like the right fit, is not more important that being with the person that FEELS like the right fit. If loving your life-partner is important to you, I suggest you make it your business to find out what REALLY makes you happy.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

16 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    08/24/2012 at 1:58 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Have You EVER Dated A Potentially "Perfect" Person On Paper, And Found Yourself Unable To Love Them With Your Heart The Way Your Mind WANTED You To?

    How Did You Handle That Situation?

    • J. A. Johnson

      08/24/2012 at 2:47 AM

      Hmmmm. At first I completely agreed with this post. But then towards the end a part of me saw something…something that led me to SLIGHTLY disagree. I think those missing factors are things you can work on as a couple.

      Bored? Find a way to do things they like that you'll like, but make it into an adventure. Use your imagination. Bored with sex? Take a sex class as a couple. Work to improve your sex life. No sense of humor? Find a way to to get them to open up and go over funny life stories with each other. I think the problem with relationships today (marriage especially), is the lack of effort when a problem arise. People that have been together for the extra long run aren't aliens…they've just WORKED SMARTER (not necessarily harder) than others.

      P.S. The out is if there are no feelings before the relationship even sparks. You can still try things…but its still hard.

  2. Dar Dar

    08/24/2012 at 3:19 AM

    this is happening to me right now… He' s so sweet and attentive and just an all around great guy. But I'd be damned if I didn't examine that niggling doubt in the back of my head. My girls think I'm being petty, or that I have a sub conscious desire to date an asshole and don't know a great thing when I have it. That's not the case at all. I just don't like him like THAT.

    • qwerty

      08/24/2012 at 9:53 AM

      So I think you should leave him right away. Because, thats how this seemingly great guy you just mention turns into the asshole from hell for the next series of women he dates. Just make a clean break and move on, dont suggest to be friends or to keep in contact. Just fade away…..

    • MistaHarsh

      08/24/2012 at 1:05 PM

      why don't you tell us what the "niggling"(?!) doubt is. What is the actual problem?

  3. @DoWuSem

    08/24/2012 at 4:07 AM

    Co-signed!

  4. @DoWuSem

    08/24/2012 at 4:13 AM

    The lady is damn gorgeous. Where do you get your pictures from?

  5. petersburgh

    08/24/2012 at 6:29 AM

    I agree because I have been in that kind of relationship before or should i say the opposing end. I had a girlfriend who saw me as marriage material but she liked that 3 times a week partying wild and living the fast life and I'm not that. You know I do love to party but not so frequent so she would be out regularly and so forth. I ended it and told her when she decides she really want to settle down and relax then she should look to be in a relationship

  6. qwerty

    08/24/2012 at 9:58 AM

    It sucks tho…I have been in both ends, where I was this perfect guy, all her friends and family love me and begged her to keep me. But she wasnt feeling it, she said it was her and not me. She made all these excuses.
    On the other end, my ex-girlfriend was perfect on the outside. But, something just seemed off. I guess there was no spark or something……
    Le sigh, love…………….

  7. MistaHarsh

    08/24/2012 at 1:18 PM

    I've come to the conclusion that women don't know what they want. How many times have we heard stories about a woman falling in love with a guy that she wasn't into initially? If you have a girl that's like this you need to either cut your loses or do some real crazy off the wall stuff to throw her senses off. Then she'll be all over you.

    I think the issue with men/women who find something relative minutely wrong with their "perfect" partners is that they aren't ready to settle down and need something to justify ending the relationship. These are the people that end up calling you 5 years down the line asking if you want to go out for coffee because they're finally ready to love you, Tevin Campbell.

    I

    • mena

      08/24/2012 at 6:17 PM

      I can only speak for myself but guys grow on me. I can name a few instances where I wasn't checking a dude but bc of his personality and what he represented as a man, he won me over.

      Being hot gets you no where with me. I have to get to know a dude to give him a chance. So I know exactly what I want in a man; just what I want isn't always represented when I first meet you.

      • Vicky

        08/24/2012 at 7:12 PM

        Agreed!

        My husband is prime example. I didn't want anything to do with him initially because I was in a mind set that all men solely wanted to get it in and that was it. He really didn't put forward all the qualities that I wanted in a man at first hence why I didn't go for him in the beginning. Then he showed me all of it in one night. Needless to say, he won me over and I'm so glad he had the patience and ambition not to give up on me.

        • Adonis

          08/27/2012 at 1:40 PM

          This is why alot of women miss out on a genuine connection.

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