When I saw the movie “Think Like A Man”, of all the different couples I found Gabrielle Union and Turtle from Entourage to have the most commonly relatable relationship issue. In today’s modern western dating world, one issue that many women are running into is encountering men they WISH had a little more motivation or drive or [insert intrinsic character trait here] that would make that man a MUCH more desirable partner, and damn near perfect. And when most women meet a man who is one-slight characteristic away from perceived perfection, it’s not unheard of for her to request [and then subsequently DEMAND] that he makes that change – but all too often women never realize that they are playing with fire.
I have a FEW homegirls who, in the past 3 years, have dated men they felt were not striving to achieve enough and not maximizing their potential – so they DEMANDED that they change. Each of my homegirls sat down with their men, and passionately requested that they step the hell up, or else the relationship may be too far gone to save. Aside from my one homegirl who just got left by her man for a frowsier chick who would accept her ex’s BS, the other 2 actually got their men to increase their personal and professional motivation and make something of themselves.
Guy 1 went from being a lazy ex-athlete installing cable boxes in residential neighbourhoods to getting a managerial office job at the same company with a higher salary, while also returning to the gym and taking boxing classes to get back in shape.
Guy 2 went from playing video games all day and smoking with his boys, to starting an online tech-support company and returning to school to get his MBA.
Both guys made these changes because their women DEMANDED they step-up. Seems like a happy ending huh? Well, keep reading.
Guy 1, who now looks like he did back in his college basketball days and is making a lot more money, has also started to become a bit of an egomaniac. He’s more hard-ears than ever before (that means “his ass don’t like to listen to nobody” for my non-West Indian readers) and now my homegirl is stressed because he doesn’t treat her like he use to.
Guy 2, has become a motivated, self-starter and WORKAHOLIC who would rather reply to emails than spend a lovely night with his woman.
What’s my point you ask? Well it’s simply this: Most men’s internal make-ups are like Jenga sets – the higher YOU try to build him up, the shakier he becomes because you started playing around with how he’s BUILT, which starts affecting more changes than you can imagine. Human beings are all complex creatures, and that’s why I find it funny when some women believe that they can actually just DEMAND a man changes with a tragic ultimatum and believe that only POSITIVE results can occur from the change. A man is NOT a hard drive – you can not just install a program into him, and have it coincide perfectly with all the other programs there.
Ladies, the ultimate point here is that YOU cannot BUILD a perfect man. In fact, you should find the idea of a perfect man absolutely ridiculous. Now this does NOT mean that ANY woman should accept a whutless, lazy, musty-ass unmotivated man, but it DOES mean that you should focus on being the IMPETUS for his change – not the overt cause. The best change a man can make is altering his being due to a natural sense of self-awareness regarding his areas of improvement. As subtle as the change may take to begin, it won’t be FORCED or COERCED which will give his newfound desires the ability to develop and progress naturally.
A man can definitely improve for the better, but trying to FORCE him to do so on YOUR watch is not always going to result in positive changes.
This Is Your Conscience
23 Comments, Comment or Ping
lincolnanthonyblades
Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think It's Possible For A Woman To Successfully DEMAND Her Man Change And Have It Work?!
Also, Have Any Of You Ever Seen Or Been In A Situation Where The MAN Demanded The WOMAN To Step Up HER Game?
Aug 7th, 2012
Smilez_920
Well i know you defentetly can't help a man that doesn't want to be helped. In the movie I don't think gaberial forcefully change him in the job department. She just reminded him of his dreams and tried to encourage him not to forget and waste his talent
Im not shocked that the ex athlet ended up being cocky after he step his stuff up. He was probably humbled by the loss of his glory days and a few extra pounds. Now that he's back on his stuff, his head has gotten big again. The workaholic is natural especially now that he has his own business.
The thing is men ask us to be the woman that encourages him to do better and reach for more. Then your two friends follow that mantra and it bites them in the butt. Hopefully those men don't forget about the women who helped upgrade them.
Aug 7th, 2012
petersburgh
Demanding never works in my book. It may work with the particular issue but the spin offs are the problem. Your friend got the ex athlete to do exactly what she wanted but the backlash is where the issue comes. ANY TIME YOU DEMAND SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING THEY WILL REMEMBER YOUR FORCEFUL DEMANDS NOT THE END RESULT. Well maybe they will remember the end result but it will not be as profound as your "controlling" nature.
Currently a friend of mines bf wants her to step up her game job wise. I believe she should as well but the amazing thing to me is that he aint really that much better off than her. I told her whatever you decide to do, make sure you are doing it to please yourself first not him.
http://petersburgh.wordpress.com/2012/06/14/just-… . This article explains how PEOPLE not only men may feel in these kind of situations. It's not always that someone wants you to step up your game for YOU but sometimes they believe it's not good enough for them etc
Aug 7th, 2012
Vicky
You cannot change a person unless they want to change themselves…End of story!
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Co-Sign.
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Good Blog Post.
I Definitely Agree That One Important Aspect Of Demanding Someone Change Is The Resentment That Can Grow In The "Changee" For Feeling Like The "Changer" Thought They Were Inadequate.
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Smilez, You Know You Dead Wrong For The First Paragraph! Gabby Tried Every Low Down Trick In The Book To Try And Change That Man In Every Way!
Oh, And I Honestly Believe There's Something WRONG With Men Who ASK Their Woman To Encourage Them To Do Better. Any Woman Who Genuinely Inspired Me Did So By Her Own Natural Presence, Not My Request.
Aug 7th, 2012
Dydy
Year she started by encouraging him but it turned to force when the wasnt moving fast enough for her and she took it upon herself to get rid of HIS property. That right there is just fallout disrespect. We could be in a 10 year relationship or marriage. Decide to throw out something that existed before you or something that's isn't yours to throw out and you will see my darkside, if its a marriage it won't be a deal breaker but I will get even. If its a relationship, that action will make me rethink if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't respect my property or boundaries. Why? Because I respected you enough to not go in or f*ck with your stuff.
It's one thing to spark a change in your man's ethic, I know I appreciate a good kick in the pants every so often to keep me moving, but to forcibly and physically attempt to alter me or my surroundings (personal) and you will be playing relationship roulette that quick.
Plus, if the woman herself is not motivated or at least being productive with her life, then its a two way street. If you want to "motivate" a change in me, you gotta show me you're in this too. I am for teamwork.
Aug 7th, 2012
Smilez_920
I don't mean literally ask your woman to encourage you. I'm saying when you think of what type of woman you want, I'm sure one of her qualities would be that she encourages you to do better, and encourages you in other ways with her presence.
Those tricks where to get him to marry her. The job thing was the only request she left to him to fulfil on his own, by sending in the resume to the hook up she had met. Then he lied about it.
Aug 7th, 2012
Smilez_920
Or in other words her presences inspires you.
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Oh, Well In That Case, Your Last Paragraph Is Confusing To Me. Men Want To Be Supported And No Woman Should Have Any Problem With Encouraging Her Man And Being There For Him, But That's Patently Different Than What This Article Is About.
Those Women Found Themselves With Men They Felt They Needed To Change And THAT'S What Blew Up In Their Faces.
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Co-Sign.
I Love How The Men Get Called Out For "Playing Games And Using Tricks" But The Women Never Get Called Out For Their Own.
Aug 7th, 2012
2cool4school
You hit the nail on the head. At last once in every persons life they stall out only to get back on track but, that is usually accompanied with a overhaul of their whole life. I was using this same concept to explain the therapy isn't a magic bandage for marriages to a friend. On the couch you may realize you and your spouse were never supposed to be together. Soul searching can be a Pandora's box and once it starts to happen things can never go back to the way they were, proceed with caution
Aug 7th, 2012
NurseJilly
"Soul searching can be a Pandora's box and once it starts to happen things can never go back to the way they were, proceed with caution"…
Absolute truth right there!!
Aug 7th, 2012
Paul B.
This right here!
Aug 7th, 2012
iluvwhoiluv
I was uncomfortable seeing her chunk his stuff, too. I get what you're saying.
Aug 7th, 2012
iluvwhoiluv
Double Co-Sign on that quote by 2cool….
Aug 7th, 2012
Adonis
I am surprised that these men ain't getting side tail from the upgrade in social status.
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
Real Talk!
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
I Don't Want To Abuse My Homegirls Feelings Like That, But I Really Think Both Are.
Aug 7th, 2012
Adonis
Understood
Aug 7th, 2012
petersburgh
that's a problem I have Lincoln. I call it how I see it so don't ask me what I think if you ain't prepared to hear it
Aug 7th, 2012
lincolnanthonyblades
LoL! Sometimes Timing Is Everything.
Aug 8th, 2012
Reply to “Unfortunately There’s A Downside To DEMANDING That Your Man “STEP UP” His Game”