One of the most anti-intellectual and unrealistic pieces of BULLH*T relationship advice I’ve ever heard, is the idea that a couple should do whatever they can to refrain from arguing with each other, BUT if they “must” then they need to address the situation as calmly, tactfully and professionally as possible. That is one of the most damaging thought-processes you could ever inflict on a couple, because it fails to address the important NEED for a couple to ARGUE – and YES, there’s a DEFINITIVE NEED for arguments to take place. Now, I’m not saying you need to be on some Stevie J/Joseline type vibe and threatening to put paws on a fool anytime your significant other does ‘that sh*t you don’t like’, but if you think repressing your emotions will have a positive affect on your relationship, you are INSANE.
Let’s be very clear here: Arguments are a VERY inevitable part of life. We all have arguments with people in different sectors of our lives, because we all hold some passionate viewpoints about certain subjects that we DON’T like being challenged on. These passions define our values and our entire intrinsic beings, and when we feel at odds with someone directly relating to that topic, it’s just human nature to react emotionally and NOT fully logically. Where common sense might tell us to walk away, avoid conflict or create a measured response, we sometimes tend to ignore ALL of that and damn near cuss someone’s ass out.
The concept that it’s possible to not be inflamed by the words and actions of your lover, the person you may hold NEAREST and DEAREST to your heart is patently UNREALISTIC. No two humans on the face of this Earth will agree on everything all the time, and the concept that they should be able to resolve their differences like two countries setting up a trade agreement is complete BS. We argue because we LOVE, and that emotional response is PART of loving someone [as opposed to feeling indifferent about them]. Most “relationship-experts” would tell you that your emotions and actions are completely NEGATIVE things towards the development of your union, but I have a much different view: Because arguing IS a natural and inevitable human response, NOT arguing EVER with your significant other just drives you further apart EMOTIONALLY.
Arguing is actually GOOD for a relationship under ONE very important circumstance: If you address the problem THAT day, either as it’s happening or at the next best time to bring it up AND you build a context into your relationship that it’s OK to AGREE TO DISAGREE. This reminds me of the phrase “Never go to bed angry” which I don’t interpret as “learn to avoid ALL arguments”, but see more as “have it out if you must – but don’t let it carry over to tomorrow.” And it’s that carrying-over that is the INEVITABLE part of avoidance. See if you don’t get your point of view out EXACTLY as it’s phrased in your head, you will carry it over EMOTIONALLY because when arguing, sometimes the emotion behind it is equally as important as the entire point. And if you just avoid arguing altogether and take the “high road” your dispute never really gets settled and it comes up in arguments months later, while your partner is looking at you like “B*tch, why you didn’t say that 5 months ago! I don’t even remember what the hell you talkin’ about!”
As much as people don’t want to admit it, there’s gonna come a time in your relationship where an issue will arise that you will either A) NEED to communicate to your significant other with the emotion you are feeling or B) SWALLOW that emotion up and let it fester deep inside of you. It’s BEAUTIFUL to believe that you can take a second to calm down, and then state it with tact, patience and eloquence – but that’s not the reality for MOST people. Expressing your emotions shouldn’t be predicated on calmness and measured responses – NOT with the one you LOVE.
Now, I can NOT stress enough that I’m NOT advocating arguing over every little, petty BS issue and I’m NOT advocating making mountains out of molehills. I’m simply stating that when an issue becomes LARGE enough to substantially affect your emotions, containing or hiding how you REALLY feel to your significant other might be the worst relationship-decision you ever make.
The point is, there’s nothing WRONG with arguing in your relationship IF you are WILLING to understand that it CAN [and probably will] hit the point where neither side fully agrees BUT respects where each other is coming from, drop it and go to bed and have squirtastic make-up sex. A couple can argue EVERYDAY, but as long as they address it EVERYDAY, they are MILES ahead of the couple that NEVER argues – but allows problems to fester inside of them.
This Is Your Conscience