F*^K What Ya’ Heard – Sometimes ARGUING Is The BEST Thing For Your Relationship

One of the most anti-intellectual and unrealistic pieces of BULLH*T relationship advice I’ve ever heard, is the idea that a couple should do whatever they can to refrain from arguing with each other, BUT if they “must” then they need to address the situation as calmly, tactfully and professionally as possible. That is one of the most damaging thought-processes you could ever inflict on a couple, because it fails to address the important NEED for a couple to ARGUEand YES, there’s a DEFINITIVE NEED for arguments to take place. Now, I’m not saying you need to be on some Stevie J/Joseline type vibe and threatening to put paws on a fool anytime your significant other does ‘that sh*t you don’t like’, but if you think repressing your emotions will have a positive affect on your relationship, you are INSANE.

Let’s be very clear here: Arguments are a VERY inevitable part of life. We all have arguments with people in different sectors of our lives, because we all hold some passionate viewpoints about certain subjects that we DON’T like being challenged on. These passions define our values and our entire intrinsic beings, and when we feel at odds with someone directly relating to that topic, it’s just human nature to react emotionally and NOT fully logically. Where common sense might tell us to walk away, avoid conflict or create a measured response, we sometimes tend to ignore ALL of that and damn near cuss someone’s ass out.

The concept that it’s possible to not be inflamed by the words and actions of your lover, the person you may hold NEAREST and DEAREST to your heart is patently UNREALISTIC. No two humans on the face of this Earth will agree on everything all the time, and the concept that they should be able to resolve their differences like two countries setting up a trade agreement is complete BS. We argue because we LOVE, and that emotional response is PART of loving someone [as opposed to feeling indifferent about them]. Most “relationship-experts” would tell you that your emotions and actions are completely NEGATIVE things towards the development of your union, but I have a much different view: Because arguing IS a natural and inevitable human response, NOT arguing EVER with your significant other just drives you further apart EMOTIONALLY.

Arguing is actually GOOD for a relationship under ONE very important circumstance: If you address the problem THAT day, either as it’s happening or at the next best time to bring it up AND you build a context into your relationship that it’s OK to AGREE TO DISAGREE. This reminds me of the phrase “Never go to bed angry” which I don’t interpret as “learn to avoid ALL arguments”, but see more as “have it out if you must – but don’t let it carry over to tomorrow.” And it’s that carrying-over that is the INEVITABLE part of avoidance. See if you don’t get your point of view out EXACTLY as it’s phrased in your head, you will carry it over EMOTIONALLY because when arguing, sometimes the emotion behind it is equally as important as the entire point. And if you just avoid arguing altogether and take the “high road” your dispute never really gets settled and it comes up in arguments months later, while your partner is looking at you like “B*tch, why you didn’t say that 5 months ago! I don’t even remember what the hell you talkin’ about!”

As much as people don’t want to admit it, there’s gonna come a time in your relationship where an issue will arise that you will either A) NEED to communicate to your significant other with the emotion you are feeling or B) SWALLOW that emotion up and let it fester deep inside of you. It’s BEAUTIFUL to believe that you can take a second to calm down, and then state it with tact, patience and eloquence – but that’s not the reality for MOST people. Expressing your emotions shouldn’t be predicated on calmness and measured responses – NOT with the one you LOVE.

Now, I can NOT stress enough that I’m NOT advocating arguing over every little, petty BS issue and I’m NOT advocating making mountains out of molehills. I’m simply stating that when an issue becomes LARGE enough to substantially affect your emotions, containing or hiding how you REALLY feel to your significant other might be the worst relationship-decision you ever make.

The point is, there’s nothing WRONG with arguing in your relationship IF you are WILLING to understand that it CAN [and probably will] hit the point where neither side fully agrees BUT respects where each other is coming from, drop it and go to bed and have squirtastic make-up sex. A couple can argue EVERYDAY, but as long as they address it EVERYDAY, they are MILES ahead of the couple that NEVER argues – but allows problems to fester inside of them.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

13 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/10/2012 at 3:55 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think ANY Good Can EVER Come Out Of Arguing Or Should A Couple Avoid It At ALL Cost?

  2. petersburgh

    09/10/2012 at 6:53 AM

    Yeah I believe that arguing is necessary but I think it's how you argue that makes the difference. Yes I argue with past girlfriends and what not and emotions arise but I never disrespect them and that's key. Keep the argument on point with the problem but still respect and love that person and you will go to bed feeling better. Bottling any emotion is cancerous and it only makes things worse in the long run

    • mena

      09/10/2012 at 9:35 AM

      Completely agree. Leave the name calling alone and deal with the issue. Respect is always key.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/10/2012 at 1:39 PM

      GOOD POINT!

      You should be able to disagree without disrespecting the other person!

  3. Smilez_920

    09/10/2012 at 8:05 AM

    Arguing is healthy when done with tact and not every day. If your're angry say it, it might not be in the nicest way but if it's on your chest let it off. Just don't get disrespectful or carry on the argument Into the following day.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/10/2012 at 1:40 PM

      Yeah some measure of tact is necessary, but not overdone to the point that you are not communicating effectively how you really feel.

  4. Piscean

    09/10/2012 at 9:50 AM

    I completely agree with your post!
    I've always been one to say that you won't know if you truly love someone, nor if you two have a fighting chance in a relationship until you argue with eachother.
    The reason why I say this is because in the beginning, everything is beautiful and wonderful. When the day comes where you two finally buck heads, is when you will realize if you two can overcome it and move forward. New Edition sings it best in their ballad "Can You Stand The Rain?". When someone gets heated or angry, the way they handle an issue will show you a lot about themselves. Do they run away, clam up and not share what is bothering them? Do they become violent or isolated?
    You need to know these things when you decide to embark on a relationship sharing your life with someone. Everyone is not meant to get along all the time. I know for myself I personally feel closer to someone after we have argued about something and been able to move forward. If the two of you can make up after an argument, that shows strength in being able to handle other obstacles that could come your way. And if you can't overcome an argument, it's just a reaffirmation that you two may not be meant for eachother.

      ­­  

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/10/2012 at 1:40 PM

      Completely agree!

  5. cynicaloptmst81

    09/10/2012 at 1:55 PM

    If we can replace the word arguing with disagreements/disagreeing (and all other grammatical variations that apply, lol), I'd be with you 100%! LOL.

    I'm mean when I'm straight up arguing. I never hold my tongue but I do keep it civil…being mindful of my tone and word choices. I try to stick to the issue…gaining a level of understanding without slinging accusations while checking my emotions. It keeps me from saying (*cough*or throwing*cough*) things I may regret later. My temper is neither cute (*cough*or legal*cough*) so I really have to act responsibly. *insert sweet innocent smile*

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/10/2012 at 6:27 PM

      Ok well in YOUR case you may need to walk away and chill before draping your man up and beating him like he stole something.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        09/11/2012 at 3:00 PM

        Thanks for the exception, LOL.

        I've learned a balance…the ability to speak sternly and definitively while being honest about what I'm thinking and/or feeling gets the solutions I need without the drama arguing brings.

  6. Henri

    09/10/2012 at 11:12 PM

    This is definitely true! I believe you should treat your partner like you treat anybody else you love and respect. Never being angry with someone is 100% unrealistic. At some point in time you are going to get angry and arguing can teach you alot about yourself and your partner… Bonus points for being with someone who makes you laugh after y'all are done arguing :)

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/11/2012 at 3:51 AM

      Co-sign!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>