It’s A SHAME The Church Doesn’t Promote MARRIED Sex

Dear Lord, please bless this bed that me and my wife ain’t about to do a DAMN thing in. Amen.

When I was about 14/15 years old, my sister and I both began attending a Christian Youth Group a town over from where we lived. Once we arrived at the Church, they split the boys and girls into two groups and discussions apart from the opposite gender ensued. On one particular day, our VIRGIN youth-pastor decided to talk to us about sex [FYI: A VIRGIN youth group leader is the WORST dude to talk to teenage children about sex because none of us respected a DAMN thing he said because he was just as clueless about it as we were], and although it was predictably straight-laced and condemning, the one thing I liked is that he made SEX seem like a substantive part of the “pot of marriage gold” at the end of the single life rainbow. Now, the way I listen to these pastors talk, it’s no wonder church kids stay wildin’ out because these idiots aren’t even willing to promote MARRIED sex.

And YES, MARRIED sex SHOULD be propagated to young men and women in the church, as a positive PART of a successful marriage because it’s a GREAT thing and it SHOULD be one of the selling points of being married. OBVIOUSLY, it should NOT talked about as the ONLY benefit so little boys don’t try and pull a Fresh Prince of Bell-Air and propose to a chick just to beat up the nani ‘a one-two times’ [West Indian slang], but to act as if SEX must STILL be taboo in the context of a HAPPY marriage makes the church seem curmudgeonly and outdated, and makes marriage seem like a boring, lifelong trek towards death and clandestine masturbation.

The people who have a problem with this theory, I can ALREADY hear their ignorant excuses as to why framing MARRIED SEX as a GOOD thing would be HORRIBLE to do to teenagers:

1) They don’t need further temptation to have sex!
2) They need to focus on abstaining not being blurred by thoughts of sexual activity!
3) The church is NO place to talk about sex!
4) It’s impossible to know when children would be even ready to hear about sex!
5) Do you expect the pastor to brag about tearin’ his wife up last night?

“So I know its 12 AM, and we are both here lying in bed smelling good…maybe we can play more Jesus charades?!”

And my replies are simply this:

1) It’s NOT providing further temptation to have sex – it’s giving them some realistic long-term goals type of temptation to measure their raging hormones so they CAN remain abstinent. Talking about sex is NOT about handing these kids 50 Shades of Grey novels and sending them out into the world charged up, it’s about redirecting their already high sex drives AWAY from promiscuity.

2) If you think young people who abstain are not NATURALLY blurred by thoughts of sexual activity, you are living in an imaginary BS world. My teenage body went through the SAME hell these kids are going through today, and exploring their sexual side is a BIG temptation right now. It’s THESE kids that are succumbing EVERYDAY to everything from peer-pressure to their own sexual curiosity. Don’t ignore it, ADDRESS it.

3) The church is a GREAT place to talk about sex, because the church is the place where many young [and old] adults derive their dating ideologies from. The LESS you talk about the church’s stance on sex, the more it becomes ambiguous and left up to that persons level of individual discretion and will power.

4) Regardless of when YOU think they are ready, the human body will start going through puberty whether you like it or not, followed by self-exploration and then the curiosity to explore someone else’s body. So it HAS to be addressed at SOME point, but I think it’s fair to say [based on teen pregnancy numbers] that the “act like it doesn’t exist” method is a complete FAIL.

5) No, No I don’t. I expect him or her to speak, like always, as a human being. When people ask me why I’m an agnostic-theist, it’s because I have a HUGE disconnect between church doctrine and church people. I can’t form a true, lifelong connection to the people of ANY institution who are incapable of approaching me on a HUMAN level, without being condescending or self-righteous. Regardless of your religious orientation [if you even have one at all], most of us would like to find mental, emotional and physical compatibility with someone we truly LOVE and enjoy ALL of them, mind, body and soul. But to condemn me for wanting that trifecta of love, or to not even propagate the concept of true, married LOVE-MAKING as a pleasurable positive, makes me wonder WHY so many church people are single?

Seriously, why should you give a DAMN what the other person looks like, if the only time you’ll ever get it in with them is to have children?

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/20/2012 at 3:05 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Should The Church Advocate Sex As An OK Part Of Marriage, Or Should It Continue To Be A Taboo Subject?

    • Naturalei

      09/20/2012 at 7:08 PM

      I grew up in the church and I've always been taught that sex was created for marriage, to unify a husband and wife and children are the result of that union. Sex is not a tool to have children, but a tool to keep a couple close, intimate and solidify their relationship. I believe a church preaching otherwise is greatly mistaken.

  2. petersburgh

    09/20/2012 at 6:47 AM

    The way I see it, they must. If you're going tell me no sex until marriage, you better prepare me for what happens after I am married. In fact, the theory of sex in itself is deeply connected to sex. There's a theory that sex consummates marriage. In fact if we were to be strong holders of this theory, the person we lost our virginity to is our wife or husband and we have committed adultery by lying with all others after. If you are going to give me all of these theories about sex being the marriage cake and all, I believe you must advocate it as being a ok part of marriage

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/20/2012 at 12:41 PM


  3. Paul B.

    09/20/2012 at 8:13 AM

    Well I can say the church I attend does encourage it and actively opposes it being used as a weapon against each other in marriage. It does look at life and married life from a holistic perspective and explains why we should remain abstinent. Now it doesn't mean that we always will, but it was far more articulated the reasons God designed it that way for the confines for marriage and it has made it easier to not engage in it. Now it doesn't mean it's still not a fight simply because of the memories of what happened before, but I've done a lot better than I did in my much younger days when I had less knowledge about why I was supposed to wait, or more importantly, WE are to wait.

    • Candice

      09/20/2012 at 8:39 AM

      Same here Paul. My pastor has done a couple of sermons as to why we should wait until marriage. He also goes beyond that by explaining the unifying purposes of sex within a marriage and to try to carve out time to be intimate with your husband or wife. He also cited scripture from the Song of Songs which can be interpreted as sexual interaction between a husband and wife.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/20/2012 at 12:40 PM

      I'm glad your church is progressive enough to identify the positives of sex in marriage and I HOPE more churches can start doing that, but not just to adults, to the teens who NEED to hear it desperately.

  4. mena

    09/20/2012 at 10:33 AM

    First, I don't go to church but my friends that do and are married have said that their church does not only support sex until marriage but explains that sex should DEFINITELY be had in marriage. I am sure that there are churches who don't do this but seeing as how you don't go, how would you know if they did or didn't? Are these the types of churches that your friends go to and they have told you stories regarding it?

    I definitely don't agree with promoting this to teenagers. You act as if teenagers are some of the most rational people on this earth. Their hormones get in the way time and time again. I don't mind a youth pastor explaining that sex should be had in marriage and that it is an act of bonding with your husband/wife but why are you promoting this to children who barely understand their bodies and sexual urges? That doesn't make sense to me. In fact, promoting sex in anyway to kids who don't understand a thing about themselves doesn't make sense to me. Yes, kids are going to have sex and yes they should receive the proper education in regards to how to have sex safely (something that should be left to the parents, doctors, clinics, and public schools) but the church should definitely not promote sex inside nor outside of marriage to teenagers unless it is in the confines of "sex should be had in marriage and should be used to bond with your husband/wife."

    Promoting this to young adults (those in college and in their 20s) is definitely something that should be done seeing as how they are probably experiencing more serious relationships and are getting to the point where marriage (at least the thought) is becoming a reality and they are possibly building themselves to become the husband/wife that someone would want to have.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/20/2012 at 12:38 PM

      I'm not religious but I have a lot of faith and therefore I attend EVERY type of church and also have MANY people in my family who are strict church-goers and more than a few pastors so I'm pretty updated on the churches ideology around sex and relationships. It's a huge part of my everyday discussions.

      And NO, married sex is NOT propagated amongst the VAST majority of churches who place the word sex in a taboo chamber never to be let out again, right alongside condoms, STI's and dealing with teenage pregnancy.

      • mena

        09/20/2012 at 5:38 PM

        I never said that they were so I am puzzled where you got that from. What I did say was that the churches my friends attend actually promote a healthy sexual relationship in the confines of marriage.

        I do wonder if the region and where you go to church has a lot to do about the message that you receive. I would assume the churches in the south would perpetuate the stereotype that you spoke about in your posting but possibly churches in big cities and even different affliliations may preach a different message.

  5. jestingandthings

    09/20/2012 at 7:34 PM

    I believe that I am apart of a progressive ministry that speaks to society and the issues that it contains. Sex is spoken about over the pulpit in a realistic context. You wanna tick my 1st Lady off in a marriage counseling session? Tell her your holding out. Sex is a beautiful thing. We focus more on the committment of marriage as opposed to the sex, which should be your reasonable (and enjoyable service) to your mate.

    I work with the teens in my church and we have constant dialogue about sex. And we discuss both ends of the spectrum. From virginity to promiscuity. These kids have free will and are not under their parents or the church's watchful eye 24/7 so "things" will happen. What I try to encourage in the youth is that anything that happens to their bodies is always their choice. And the discussion normal evolves into the danger of social pressure as opposed to them just wanting to jump somebody's bones. Not saying that they aren't little horndogs but still. Understanding why sex should be sacred and your choice selective are the most important details we try to instill.

    Condemnation is for the birds.

    My Two Cents…


  6. DevyDev

    09/24/2012 at 1:32 PM

    Although I understand where you're coming from, I think your points may be a bit over-generalized. I grew up in a traditional hymn-singing, good ole Baptist church, in the Caribbean (read super conservative). But our youth department made sure it addressed the subject of sex to us. I agree with you – talking about sex to an adult virgin did nothing for me. Rap sessions about sex were almost always led by this middle aged MARRIED couple. They were high school sweethearts who stayed virgins until marriage. As a young Christian girl, they felt a shining beacon of hope to me! lol Without the couple saying it explicitly, the young folks just KNEW they were getting it in… regularly and they were probably enjoying it! lol

    I think a big problem w/ the disconnect between "religious folks" and young people on the issue of sex is the holier than thou approach taken. Folks get older and act they have done no wrong. I have more respect for the pastor who can admit to me that he DID have sex before marriage and because of his religious convictions he regrets the decision as opposed to the pastor that just sternly rebukes any sexual yearnings or dealings before marriage.

  7. Johni

    09/30/2012 at 10:03 PM

    "it’s because I have a HUGE disconnect between church doctrine and church people." Wait. What? So the reason you are agnostic-theist is because of people? People should never be the reason for a religious decision. They're just humans and imperfect! Maybe finding a different church or Christian people to be around would be better, because you have a very generalized view on how all Christians act and how churches speak about sex, that is really inaccurate. Not trying to come at you or anything, I just think you have the wrong type of impression.

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