It’s GOOD To Be Friends With Your EX – AFTER You’ve HEALED

There’s one thing many women and men BOTH want to know about dating, that causes us EQUAL heartache and strife, and that is how to deal with building a FRIENDship with an ex after a failed RELATIONship. If there’s ONE thing I truly advocate is that people get OVER and PAST their exes after a relationship ends, no matter HOW it ends. There isn’t a set schedule for how long it SHOULD take, but no matter how much pain that person caused you, your goal should be to one day make it to the point where you are no longer emotionally or mentally compromised by what happened. If you can get to that point with an ex, I think pursuing a friendship with them is actually a GOOD thing [especially if they are OVER and PAST you too], but this whole “let’s be friends” thing RIGHT after a break-up is absolute BS.

Ever since I was young and heard girls tell me that exact same line, it use to PISS me off, because our relationship is ending over some BULLSH*T that one of us clearly doesn’t like, and now that we aren’t together, I don’t even think you are WORTHY of being called my friend. That is a thought we have ALL had before. I remember one of my exes cheated on me and then lied about it, even after I caught her red-handed, and then hit me with the “let’s just be friends line” making me turn around and look at her like “B*tch who wants a cheating-ass, lying-ass friend?” And don’t feel you need to acquiesce to your friends complaining questions like:  “WHY are you too immature to handle being friends with them?!”

After a breakup, you are ENTITLED to allow your emotions to run the gamut of insanity and illogical thoughts. You are still in love with that person [or at least you still care about them a lot], you miss the good times and the possibility of not seeing how far your chemistry and potential could have taken you two. Then mix that with the fact that you want to give them a Stone Cold Stunner for the way they acted towards you, and all the HELL they put you through. Then add in a strong dose of dickmatization or nani-addiction, and you have an explosive cocktail of emotional variables that makes you want to strangle, kiss and smash that person ALL at the same time.

But like the old saying goes “time heals all wounds” and one day, if you are MATURE enough, you should be able to put the past behind you, especially if you are wise enough to know that holding on to the pain of the past will only help to destroy any chances you might have of creating a productive and happy future. And it’s THEN, and only THEN, when you have effectively overcome the pain, the nostalgia and the sexual attraction to that person, where you can say “let’s be friends.” You may learn that you both work better as friends than a couple – but there’s NO way you will be able to see that RIGHT after a relationship JUST ends.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

32 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/26/2012 at 5:20 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think It's A GOOD Idea To Pursue A Friendship With An Ex Or Do You Think That Is Too Messy And Potentially Full Of Drama?

    Also, How Would You Feel If You Found Out Your Significant Other Was Pursuing A Relationship With Their Ex? Would You Put An End To It?

    • MistaHarsh

      09/26/2012 at 11:29 AM

      is that a typo? you mean pursuing a FRIENDSHIP right? I'm not for staying friends or rekindling a friendship with someone that was your ex. No matter how long its been because if you can get along well as friends SOMEONE in the friendship will feel that amicable connection can crossover to a relationship again. We can talk and be "friendly" when we meet in the streets but don't call me or invite me to hang. You're my EX not my friend. I don't know, I question ppl who still hang and confide with exes to me its a sign that you haven't moved on. It also begs the question: if you hold them in such high regard why aren't they worth working things out ….or is that what you being friendly with them is all about?

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/26/2012 at 12:47 PM

        Interestingly enough, I don't have that problem at all with my exes once we've both gotten over the breakup. One woman I've known for 8 years and the other 12, both who currently are in serious long-term relationships. There's nothing between us anymore and there never will be no matter how much we hang out.

  2. Smilez_920

    09/26/2012 at 6:53 AM

    The only Ex you need to be friends with is one you might have a kid or kids with.

    I think it's healthy to take a real break from the person before you become friends with them. A lot of people try to become friends with an ex right after the break up and the friendship just ends up being a oneside relationship where the person who still has feelings still treats the other person like their in a relationship.

    There's nothing wrong with being nice. But really think about who you just got out of a relationship with, think about that persons character and is that a person you really need to still have in your life.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/26/2012 at 12:49 PM

      I hear you about NEED but I think this is more about making a positive decision about what's GOOD, not absolutely necessary.

      It's easy for me to be friends with exes because I think it's important to heal after relationships. I think it would be corny as hell to hold something against someone that they did to me a decade ago. What's the point?

  3. Dyquen

    09/26/2012 at 8:50 AM

    I think it depends on the woman. Some can carry on being great friends, but some can be poisonous to your other female friends and every relationship after her if you never wake up and cut her loose. This may be easier said than done, but there is no purpose to stay with friends with somebody that irritates the living shit outta you, even once in a while because she always hurts your progress longterm. I learned this the hard way, especially if said woman is the sensei of manipulators. Cut all ties like a parachutist who's landing in water, dont and you'll drown.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/26/2012 at 12:51 PM

      Agreed. You can't be friends with all of your exes, because sometimes they just are far from a person you would want to have in your life.

  4. Dyquen

    09/26/2012 at 8:53 AM

    PS.. there is such a thing as multiple orgasm and also the lesser known rolling orgasm. Few women can do one or the other. Sorry had to put this here, saw the title of the book… lol

  5. cynicaloptmst81

    09/26/2012 at 10:02 AM

    LMBO!

    Classic Martin & Gina… "Loves in your face!"

    I'm a firm believer that they dated in real life…and contributed to the demise of the show.

    Kinda related…cause maybe they can be friends again and restart the show! :-)

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/26/2012 at 12:53 PM

      HA! Seeing as Martin has a house the size of a community college and Gina is trying to overcome being sued by the bank for her mortgage, it's safe to say he must be sitting back like "take that, take that" in his P Diddy voice

      • cynicaloptmst81

        09/26/2012 at 1:08 PM

        LOL!

        Awwwww, D*MN, GINA!!!!!

        LMBO!

  6. NurseJilly

    09/26/2012 at 12:01 PM

    I am all about being friendly when we see each other out and about but to be "friends" is tough for me. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I'm not over him yet and every time I see him I'm reminded of that fact….

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/27/2012 at 2:33 AM

      I think there's no time limit on forming a friendship with an ex, cause hell it could take 20 or 30 years, or it may never happen, just as long as you drop how you previously felt about them, you're good.

  7. Lia

    09/26/2012 at 4:23 PM

    I think it depends on why the break up happened. Two people who realize that they are better off as friends may need time to detach themselves from the situation, but they still have an appreciation for that other person. They probably will end up being friends eventually. On the other hand, when one person totally screws the other over, that person has just shown themselves to be totally untrustworthy in any relationship. And in your words, B*tch who wants a cheating-ass, lying-ass friend?. Not I!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/27/2012 at 2:33 AM

      Real talk!

  8. The Confused One

    09/26/2012 at 11:50 PM

    I've been in that situation for years and just recently made the decision to slowly step back. It's really hard especially when our break up didn't end badly. It ended because we both realize we cannot change the qualities we dislike in each other no matter what (this causes a lot of petty short and long term arguments) and those qualities we seek we both want to try and find in other people. It's a catch 22 since on the pro side, we are so compatible with our interests and values that if we do finally move on for good – we both fear it won't be as compatible as we are.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/27/2012 at 2:32 AM

      Sounds like you made the best decision for yourself though.

  9. Shaun

    09/28/2012 at 7:13 PM

    Yes you can be friends, no you should not. My friendship is a gift and a man that dumped me is not worthy of my friendship. And vice versa.

  10. iluvwhoiluv

    10/02/2012 at 10:43 AM

    It does depend on the situation, though. Out of all of my relationships, only 2 of my ex's I can say I have a friendship with, but it is mainly because the breakups weren't extremely bad breakups. However, it's not something I do as a rule. One of my ex's wanted us to remain friends after our relationship fell apart after almost 6 years, but in the end, I just couldn't. Too much pain had been caused, too much turmoil. I just felt if that person could be deceptive in terms of messing around on me, then how could I really trust the person as a friend?

    In my situation, it's better that I not be friends with the majority of my ex's, but Linc, I am glad that it is working out for you.

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