Sex Doesn’t Create An OFFICIAL Relationship

Foreplay means they’re unattached – but once he penetrates her…well, they are still unattached.

Last week I was at my boy’s house recording a video that should hopefully be up on Youtube in the next week or two, where we sit and discuss issues we men deal with in dating and relationships. After the taping was over, one of the young women who was sitting there asked me ‘how good are you at giving relationship insight?’ to which I replied, ‘I think I’m aiight.’ This prompted her to want to test me and she asked me “how can some men hang out with a woman [not officially dating], have sex with her and then just leave her and move on to the next woman?” Now, as much as I hate answering a question with a question, this time I felt it was right to ask her “how exactly does a man break up with a woman he was never officially dating?”

Her question was NOT a new one in any sense, but it brought up a conversation that I have FAR too often: There are FAR too many people out there who believe the act of sex is a legally binding, and all-inclusive verbal, oral, and vaginal agreement to being a committed, monogamous relationship – and that is UTTER BS. Just because you have sex with someone, that does NOT immediately make that person YOURS, if you have NOT come to a prior agreement to be a couple.

Basically, you [women AND men] are THIS girl:

This poor girl sexted topless pics of her roommate [whom she recently SMASHED] and then he came home with another girl, and she had to hear him tearing some next chick’s nani up all night which PISSED her off. But here’s the thing: What can she TRULY say to dude in the AM, except “can you tell your heffa to keep it down!” or “damn son, you tore that ass out the frame!” But regardless of what SHE says, the one thing she can’t DO is get mad at him for stepping out with another woman because they didn’t have any formal agreement of exclusivity beforehand.

There’s two ways you can enter into a sexual relationship with someone: You can smang BEFORE a stated commitment or AFTER. If you do it BEFORE, you are inherently accepting ANY potential risk of that person treating you like a jumpoff, and moving on to someone they deem better with no warning or foreshadowing [and, yes, this DOES happen to dudes too]. So if you aren’t ready, willing and able to throw your nani or richard onto the craps table of dating life and HOPE things turn out in your favour, then you need to either NOT have sex BEFORE commitment or learn how to control your possessiveness.

I hate to say it, but in these days, giving your body away to someone else is NOT a definitive sign of anything other than that person’s physical attraction to you. Stop thinking you are OWED a relationship just because someone granted you access to their naked body – that’s just not how it works.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

41 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/24/2012 at 5:41 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe There Are Times When It's OK To Assume That The Sex Has Consummated The Relationship Into A Committed One?

    Also, Have YOU Ever Found Yourself Being Hounding Or Being Hounded For A Relationship After Being Physical With Someone?

  2. petersburgh

    09/24/2012 at 6:21 AM

    This is something I get from women a lot. They always ask me questions like this and one in particular made me write this http://petersburgh.wordpress.com/2012/07/14/were-… . To answer your questions, no I don't think it's ever okay to assume sex makes it a committed relationship and I never had this issue personally because I'm always up front about it.

  3. NikiiB

    09/24/2012 at 7:31 AM

    Since this is a recurring theme in your blogs, I gotta ask:

    In this day and age, how many men will commit to a woman BEFORE they have sex with her? Can we take a poll of the men on this site?

  4. Smilez_920

    09/24/2012 at 7:57 AM

    Woman who don't know the answer to this question shouldn't be having casual sex. Idk what world some women live in but sex does not make you his girl or him your man, it just makes you guys sexual partners.

    The only time you should assume sex consummates a relationship is on your wedding night. Other than that don't assume anything , actually have a conversation with the person your're sleeping or are planning to sleep with about what your situation / relationship is.

  5. Zenee Miller

    09/24/2012 at 8:11 AM

    Honesty is the answer here. If you are upfront about your expectations beforehand, this shouldn't be an issue afterwards.

  6. BADDEST

    09/24/2012 at 8:29 AM

    " There are FAR too many people out there who believe the act of sex is a legally binding, and all-inclusive verbal, oral, and vaginal agreement to being a committed, monogamous relationship – and that is UTTER BS"….replace people with WOMEN….because i think we're the ones mostly afficted with this as an issue…….not that its reasonable…..i just think theres a strong argument for biology being behind WHY women even try this…..i was talking about the phenomenon with a male friend of mine the other day and his theory was the act of being penetrated vs. penetrating is why women try to get something more from a simple physical connection….im still reflecting on if his point has merit.

  7. Paul B.

    09/24/2012 at 2:29 PM

    That's why the title is important. Without it, you're just….smashed.

  8. Tinks

    09/25/2012 at 5:34 PM

    Hmmmm…. But what if you are in relationship negotiations? Like you have talked about a relationship, you both agree to not be with other people and he wants to get into one but you are hesitant (just got out of a relationship and do not want to rush) and then you have sex? …

  9. Pingback: Please Stop Confusing Dating With Courting « From Ashy to Classy

  10. John the erect

    09/30/2012 at 9:12 AM

    <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/N5kS9btTY-Q?feature=player_embedded&quot; frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

  11. john the erect

    09/30/2012 at 9:13 AM

    <embed
    width="420" height="345"
    src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XGSy3_Czz8k&quot;
    type="application/x-shockwave-flash">
    </embed>

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