Sex Doesn’t Create An OFFICIAL Relationship

Foreplay means they’re unattached – but once he penetrates her…well, they are still unattached.

Last week I was at my boy’s house recording a video that should hopefully be up on Youtube in the next week or two, where we sit and discuss issues we men deal with in dating and relationships. After the taping was over, one of the young women who was sitting there asked me ‘how good are you at giving relationship insight?’ to which I replied, ‘I think I’m aiight.’ This prompted her to want to test me and she asked me “how can some men hang out with a woman [not officially dating], have sex with her and then just leave her and move on to the next woman?” Now, as much as I hate answering a question with a question, this time I felt it was right to ask her “how exactly does a man break up with a woman he was never officially dating?”

Her question was NOT a new one in any sense, but it brought up a conversation that I have FAR too often: There are FAR too many people out there who believe the act of sex is a legally binding, and all-inclusive verbal, oral, and vaginal agreement to being a committed, monogamous relationship – and that is UTTER BS. Just because you have sex with someone, that does NOT immediately make that person YOURS, if you have NOT come to a prior agreement to be a couple.

Basically, you [women AND men] are THIS girl:

This poor girl sexted topless pics of her roommate [whom she recently SMASHED] and then he came home with another girl, and she had to hear him tearing some next chick’s nani up all night which PISSED her off. But here’s the thing: What can she TRULY say to dude in the AM, except “can you tell your heffa to keep it down!” or “damn son, you tore that ass out the frame!” But regardless of what SHE says, the one thing she can’t DO is get mad at him for stepping out with another woman because they didn’t have any formal agreement of exclusivity beforehand.

There’s two ways you can enter into a sexual relationship with someone: You can smang BEFORE a stated commitment or AFTER. If you do it BEFORE, you are inherently accepting ANY potential risk of that person treating you like a jumpoff, and moving on to someone they deem better with no warning or foreshadowing [and, yes, this DOES happen to dudes too]. So if you aren’t ready, willing and able to throw your nani or richard onto the craps table of dating life and HOPE things turn out in your favour, then you need to either NOT have sex BEFORE commitment or learn how to control your possessiveness.

I hate to say it, but in these days, giving your body away to someone else is NOT a definitive sign of anything other than that person’s physical attraction to you. Stop thinking you are OWED a relationship just because someone granted you access to their naked body – that’s just not how it works.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

41 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/24/2012 at 5:41 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe There Are Times When It's OK To Assume That The Sex Has Consummated The Relationship Into A Committed One?

    Also, Have YOU Ever Found Yourself Being Hounding Or Being Hounded For A Relationship After Being Physical With Someone?

    • ChloeRayne516

      09/24/2012 at 8:40 AM

      No it's never okay to assume.. *shakinghead* never okay.. if "TheTalk" wasn't had before or even after smashing…. It's now IS WHAT IT IS…. CASUAL S.EX!!!!

      Now there are exceptions to any rule this one including when after awhile a relationship can blossom out of it, but it's not the norm.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/24/2012 at 3:00 PM

        Exactly. If you want a relationship, announce it BEFORE you get naked with that person or it just is what it is.

  2. petersburgh

    09/24/2012 at 6:21 AM

    This is something I get from women a lot. They always ask me questions like this and one in particular made me write this http://petersburgh.wordpress.com/2012/07/14/were-… . To answer your questions, no I don't think it's ever okay to assume sex makes it a committed relationship and I never had this issue personally because I'm always up front about it.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:01 PM

      Smart man!

      Good blog too!

  3. NikiiB

    09/24/2012 at 7:31 AM

    Since this is a recurring theme in your blogs, I gotta ask:

    In this day and age, how many men will commit to a woman BEFORE they have sex with her? Can we take a poll of the men on this site?

    • BADDEST

      09/24/2012 at 8:33 AM

      hmmmmm innnneresssing……

    • ChloeRayne516

      09/24/2012 at 8:45 AM

      I second this notion.

      Although, I will go out on a limb and say men who are actually looking.for something solid, long-term even marriage would be willing to make you his one and only before smelling the panty draws..

      • Smilez_920

        09/24/2012 at 9:18 AM

        It depends. Everyman your with wont feel your worth waiting for. Some men don't mind waiting on a certain level of commitment before sex. Levels like " exclusively dating " " bf/gf" and some might even wait until marriage.

        Lincoln friend questioned is kind of voided because they were never in the path to try and find a commitment , they weren't even officially dating or talking about it probably.

        As a women you have 2 choices " keep your legs closed until u find the commitment your looking for " or sleep with who your hanging out with and deal with whatever happens later.

        • NurseJilly

          09/24/2012 at 10:55 AM

          "As a women you have 2 choices " keep your legs closed until u find the commitment your looking for " or sleep with who your hanging out with and deal with whatever happens later."….

          Exactly!!

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          09/24/2012 at 3:08 PM

          Real talk. The truth is all men won't find every woman worth waiting for, and women should appreciate that because it makes it much easier for y'all to weed out who's serious and who's not serious.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/24/2012 at 3:06 PM

        Although I'm definitely not into waiting until marriage, if I met a woman who was complete marriage material, of course I can wait until we are committed to each other, because women of that material are HIGH quality.

    • mena

      09/24/2012 at 9:26 AM

      This is a good question and i hope that it gets answered without the "if you want a commitment first then don't sleep with a guy" or "men are just all about sex". I hope that a truthful answer comes out of this but I would guess (though I am a woman) that it depends on the man and how much he wants to be with the woman.

      • mena

        09/24/2012 at 9:26 AM

        "men *aren't*…"

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/24/2012 at 3:10 PM

        But men aren't all about sex tho…I thought we had established this.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:05 PM

      HA! The men didn't answer this question at all, so I will.

      For me, it depends on what I feel about her right off the bat, because I prefer relationships to grow organically therefore I typically am NOT invested too much right off the bat, but with that said I've been on both sides of the isle.

      In this day and age, if I found a woman who was MORE than worth it, I would commit to her in a second, and funny enough, I've tried to before and had women balk at the idea of doing the same.

    • petersburgh

      09/24/2012 at 5:44 PM

      I have already. I think it's the type of woman you meet and when I say type I mean in relation to you. Sometimes you meet women who just intrigue you and you don't even think about commitment, then you smash and then you realise she's great and things work from there.

      • ChloeRayne516

        09/24/2012 at 6:27 PM

        And this is a prime example of what I meant the Exception to the Rule… It can happen but it isn't the norm… Sometimes it can go the other way as well which to me is mind boggling…, yeah he was intrigued kinda feeling you until you did the DO and now he has had that moment of clarity like "dang I.ain't really feeling this chick too tough".*shrug*

    • Paul B.

      09/25/2012 at 1:22 PM

      Doesn't matter. The ones who say they're willing to do so will be treated as a unicorn or other mythical creature. I personally have no problem doing so when the rest of her lines up. Just like sex can't be the entire relationship, celibacy can't be a woman's only strong point or redeeming quality, especially if her personality and attitude sucks, and yes it happens.

  4. Smilez_920

    09/24/2012 at 7:57 AM

    Woman who don't know the answer to this question shouldn't be having casual sex. Idk what world some women live in but sex does not make you his girl or him your man, it just makes you guys sexual partners.

    The only time you should assume sex consummates a relationship is on your wedding night. Other than that don't assume anything , actually have a conversation with the person your're sleeping or are planning to sleep with about what your situation / relationship is.

    • Paul B.

      09/24/2012 at 9:36 AM

      Exactly. If you're afraid to have the conversation before smashing, din't be mad when that's all you two are is smash buddies.

    • Paul B.

      09/24/2012 at 12:39 PM

      True. If you're afraid to have that conversation, then you have already shown that you don't need to go down that road.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:11 PM

      Co-sign.

  5. Zenee Miller

    09/24/2012 at 8:11 AM

    Honesty is the answer here. If you are upfront about your expectations beforehand, this shouldn't be an issue afterwards.

    • ChloeRayne516

      09/24/2012 at 8:41 AM

      #RealDamnTalk!!!!!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:11 PM

      +1

  6. BADDEST

    09/24/2012 at 8:29 AM

    " There are FAR too many people out there who believe the act of sex is a legally binding, and all-inclusive verbal, oral, and vaginal agreement to being a committed, monogamous relationship – and that is UTTER BS"….replace people with WOMEN….because i think we're the ones mostly afficted with this as an issue…….not that its reasonable…..i just think theres a strong argument for biology being behind WHY women even try this…..i was talking about the phenomenon with a male friend of mine the other day and his theory was the act of being penetrated vs. penetrating is why women try to get something more from a simple physical connection….im still reflecting on if his point has merit.

    • mena

      09/24/2012 at 9:32 AM

      Funny you brought this up. I was talking to my two guy friends (one gay and one bi) and I was saying how serious it was for me to have sex and not have a bunch of dudes run through me. They were like, "Mena you are lying. It shouldn't matter and it isn't that serious. It's just sex." I then said, "how many dudes have you slept with vs. how many men have you let have the ass?" Let's just say that they got REAL quiet REAL fast. They both, though they had slept with a lot of men, could count on ONE hand, the amount of dudes they let hit them.

      In other words, i see your friends point. Sex is more serious for me simply b/c that is an object entering my body. His mark will always be there.

      • Smilez_920

        09/24/2012 at 10:09 AM

        Lol in picturing the silence in the room when u called them out. But I agree with you and I see what the friend is saying. But we know what age we live In and how sex is viewed. If sex is a seroius thing for you then treat it as such and don't sleep with men your just hanging with , in hopes that a relationship will magically form. ( again he's friend didnt even say dating just hanging )

        I feel like some women want men to be responsible for the decisions they make with their vaginas. As long as he's honest with you, not purposely misleading and your honesty with yourself , you can stay out of some of these situations .

        • BADDEST

          09/24/2012 at 10:19 AM

          "I feel like some women want men to be responsible for the decisions they make with their vaginas." – YES…….that is an incredibly GOOD POINT….cuz guess what… the women who act this way are the very SAME ones who preach about how giving it up too early will make him disrespect you, not want you, the SAME ones who tell their girlfriends theres ways to " trap" a man into a relationship….the SAME ones who speak on their actions as if they are those of grown women…..IRONICALLY…..the very nature of their behavior . like your statement points out…..is some weird extended daddy issue that theyre projecting on some man theyve sexed with.

        • mena

          09/24/2012 at 10:29 AM

          The next comment out of their mouths were "Mena, why do you always have to make a point. Stop with the facts." It's funny b/c they never once thought about it like that and it wasn't until i brought it to light that they took a step back and the light bulb went off in their heads.

          I think that women have placed their vaginas on a pedestal not realizing that there is more to them than what is between their legs and not understanding that if the guy isn't interested in you as a person first, he isn't going to stick around no matter how tight or wet the vagina is.

      • BADDEST

        09/24/2012 at 10:24 AM

        nevermind that theres a chance at pregnancy right?…..thats a "mark" you dont shake ……im not sure if its my point or not….like i said….still debating if its worth debating :) BUT its GREAT to know that its on others radar as a possible answer to the question…..i LOVE that you called em on it….the gays think theyre sensitive to female issues….but theyre still men …lols.

      • NurseJilly

        09/24/2012 at 11:48 AM

        Feel the same way girl!!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:16 PM

      I think it's easy to see this as being predominantly a female problem because most women aren't AS aware of male suffering, and we have a MUCH easier job dealing with being used, at least on a surface level.

      That whole being penetrating vs. penetration thing probably holds some weight, but the larger point is creating a strong emotional and mental connection with that person before you become physical. A man and a woman are both liable to fall in love before the commitment or sex talk is on the table, and after the sex happens it just makes them even MORE possessive.

      • BADDEST

        09/24/2012 at 3:45 PM

        Im in agreement on all points……but bear with me…….for debates sake…..my next question is…..suppose two people have the conversation, decide theyre ready to be more intimate physically, they smash and it SUCKS….the physical just doesnt mesh for them the way their minds do….but regardless, one party seems to be more attached to the idea of relationship than the other…..do you think that a strong mental connection with someone can ever make the painful reality of bad sex go away without a headache?
        Is there not a margin for it backfiring? Making that element of possesiveness GROW before sex is even had, by sheer nature of the "initmate" conversation? before either party knows if they want it again?

  7. Paul B.

    09/24/2012 at 2:29 PM

    That's why the title is important. Without it, you're just….smashed.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/24/2012 at 3:11 PM

      Exactly.

  8. Tinks

    09/25/2012 at 5:34 PM

    Hmmmm…. But what if you are in relationship negotiations? Like you have talked about a relationship, you both agree to not be with other people and he wants to get into one but you are hesitant (just got out of a relationship and do not want to rush) and then you have sex? …

  9. Pingback: Please Stop Confusing Dating With Courting « From Ashy to Classy

  10. John the erect

    09/30/2012 at 9:12 AM

    <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/N5kS9btTY-Q?feature=player_embedded&quot; frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

  11. john the erect

    09/30/2012 at 9:13 AM

    <embed
    width="420" height="345"
    src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XGSy3_Czz8k&quot;
    type="application/x-shockwave-flash">
    </embed>

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