Sometimes LOVE Isn’t A Good Enough Reason To Stay Together

Last night I was participating in an online chat regarding dating, sex, and relationships and the conversation quickly turned to THIS picture of Chad Johnson that was released recently, showing that he got a brand new tattoo of his estranged-wife’s face, Evelyn Lozada [sans stitches]. As much as I was NOT surprised half the room thought it was ridiculous [like Chris Brown tatting Riri's broken jawbone on his knuckles], I was SHOCKED that the other half actually supported his actions because he was “fighting for his wife! Fighting for the woman he LOVES!” I don’t think they realize that FIGHTING is the LAST thing this negro should be doing, unless it’s fighting to get on an indoor-football team roster so he can have some income coming in.

When I saw Chad’s tattoo, the first thing I immediately thought was “I hope this dude is spending his money intelligently” because if he transforms into Super-Simp mode [especially in prime-time CUFFING season] and starts trying to SPEND his way back into her good graces, he’s not too far from ending up broke just like T.O. But I digress. The reason I was SHOCKED that the entire other HALF of the chat room thought he should FIGHT for her, is because I really thought either most people would realize he shouldn’t FIGHT for a damn thing or they would simply have NO opinion on the matter. But if you think that a man and wife should fight for their LOVE no matter WHAT the situation is, chances are you a delusional jackass.

The truth is, LOVE does NOT conquer all, all the time, because sometimes what your heart wants is not what’s best for the totality of your mind, body and soul. Sometimes LOVE is NOT the all-encompassing guiding light and salvation of relationship troubles. Sometimes LOVE is simply NOT a good enough reason to stay together, because, occassionally, it takes your heart TOO long to realize what your mind figured out a LONG time ago: This person is simply not GOOD for us anymore, and it’s time to respect OURSELVES and keep it moving.

Now I realize I’m already upsetting the “Pro-Love” crowd who believes that love and marriage is HARD WORK and people need to commit through the good times and the bad, and valleys must be crossed in order to make it to the hills [and all the rest of that utter BS]. To those people, I want you to CLEARLY understand that we see eye-to-eye on that issue – except I believe in ONE caveat to add to that ideology: When the relationship becomes physically and emotionally abusive, leading to the wholesale destruction on someone’s entire LIFE, that is MORE than a valid reason to get your Bitty Mclean on and “walk away from love.”

I’m Pro-Love the same way intelligent, caring and respectable people are Pro-Life: I understand that one rule can NOT apply to everyone in EVERY situation. The same way SMART Pro-Lifers think it’s OK to give a woman the complete freedom of choice after being raped and becoming pregnant, I believe people who have been mentally or physically abused should be encouraged to reassess their relationship and STEP AWAY if they need to.

One of the biggest problems with love is that it lingers, even after your mind realizes it can’t deal with the BS anymore. If you are in a relationship with an ‘aint-sh*t somebody’ please don’t wait until things hit ROCK BOTTOM to realize that lingering love is NOT clairvoyance – it’s IGNORANCE.


 

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

21 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/06/2012 at 4:08 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe It's Good To FIght For Love In EVERY Circumstance Through The Good Times And The Bad Times? Or Do You Feel There Are Perfectly Acceptable TImes To Walk Away From Love?!

  2. O'Brian

    09/06/2012 at 5:06 AM

    it is difficult to say because different circumstances call for different measures, but i think if it truly is worth it then why not fight for it

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/06/2012 at 5:59 AM

      But what if it's destructive though?

    • Rebekah

      09/06/2012 at 10:18 AM

      I always thought it was common sense to walk away from a physical/mentally abusive relationship. I didn't realize that so many women don't have the strength to walk away. I believe it takes a weak woman to stay but a stronger one to leave. But I also agree wholeheartedly with "love" if it is worth it then you should fight hard for your relationship/marriage.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/06/2012 at 2:24 PM

        I think it is common sense, but the fight between one's head and their heart is never so simple.

  3. LINDA

    09/06/2012 at 5:11 AM

    I have to admit that your blog is one of the funniest and most clever I've read in a long time.Are the friends who support this tat the same ones who thought Joe Budden's girlfriend wasn't hoeish? Anyway, the problem is often that we who are taught to have values and solid work ethics and loyalty yada yada are NOT taught how to recognize when to give up and walk away from a situation. We're taught to protect others but not ourselves. And it often bites us squarely in the ass.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/06/2012 at 6:00 AM

      Thanks for the compliments Linda! And these people were strangers this time lol.

      Co-sign on your statements!

  4. Jamaalism

    09/06/2012 at 6:32 AM

    I think REAL LOVE (i.e. not infatuation) is always worth fighting for. Not everyone will get a second chance to have that and living life without that kind of love AND regret may not be a life worth living IMO… especially when you're in the latter stages of life.

    Fighting for love not only means doing what you can to get the person back but also smartening up to keep them.

    And I don't think you can have real love if the other person doesn't love you since it can't be faked (unless you're in denial / infatuated)

  5. natty dread

    09/06/2012 at 6:37 AM

    I’m in a predicament. I am pregnant and was in a relationship with the father, however, as soon I became pregnant the relationship worsened and he started treating me really badly. He said he would change, and I would give him chances but after months of broken promises, manipulative behaviour and even threats of violence from him I decided it’s best not to be in a relationship. If not for me at least for the baby. But, even now in the back of mind I want and hope he will change. He’s the father of my baby, in an ideal world I’d want to be in a healthily loving family with but he won’t change. The stress he’d caused me has left almost completely broken. My head knows he’s a good for nothing and I should have more self-respect but it still doesn’t stop how I feel. I know I’m acting like a naive stupid fool and I’m better than him and the rubbish he puts me through but even now I hope he changes. And as he is the father of my baby doesn’t that make him, (not to me directly) but through my baby, family? I don’t know what to do.

    • NurseJilly

      09/06/2012 at 8:44 AM

      I feel for you girl. But let me tell you from someone who has watched this scenario play out it doesn't get better.

      When I was 10 I watched my mother get swept off her feet by a man that we all thought was so amazing. My mother moved our family to Canada to be with this man and live happily ever after. Shortly after moving here my mother got pregnant and thats when shit all got out of control. I saw little bursts of anger and disrespect here and there and honestly before we knew what was really happening it was too late and his anger turned to violence. I'm talking knives to throats, chocking, as well as the emotional terrorism. I spent the next 6 years of my life being terrified before finally getting the F out of there.

      I tell you this to warn you, it does NOT get better girl, only worse. If he is willing to go and stay in counselling that is the only way you should even consider keeping him in your life.

      As long as "better" is possible, "good" is never enough!! And you deserve better. XO

    • mena

      09/06/2012 at 9:34 AM

      http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2012/09/do-better.ht… NC-17 just wrote this piece and i think it may be helpful to you. It's about self-worth.

      Also, you are not an idiot since you actually sat down and recognized your feelings. Too many times people want to hide from their feelings instead of just dealing with them head on. I think asking yourself questions like "Why do i feel this way? What is best for me? What is best for my future? Do i value my self worth? Is the person helping to make me stronger or tearing me down?" is definitely a great start to start analyzing how you feel. Your heart is one thing but sometimes it is better to listen to your head.

      I remember reading an article about how animals in the wild, when they sense fear, will immediately take off and that women, b/c we are taught by society (and it's just simply in most of our natures) to be nurturing and caring will ignore this sixth sense to the detriment of our safety and well-being. If you ask many women who have been physically attacked did they feel that something was wrong from the beginning, most will say yes, that something didn't mesh well with them but they ignored it.

      Please don't ignore the signs. And as Maya Angelou said "when a person shows you who they are, believe them."

      • NurseJilly

        09/06/2012 at 11:29 AM

        Well said!! Great article by the way:)

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/06/2012 at 2:26 PM

      I got one question for you that I require you answer as honestly as possible: How did he treat you BEFORE you became pregnant?

  6. petersburgh

    09/06/2012 at 6:47 AM

    Sometimes I wonder if you read my mind lol. I had that situation where love didn't conquer all and it wasn't because she was a bad person etc. We were just going different directions and certain things were lacking. http://petersburgh.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/they-… Your article reminded me of that blog I wrote. Sometimes you have to know when to give up

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/06/2012 at 2:27 PM

      Thanks fam! Great blog!

  7. Paul B.

    09/06/2012 at 10:28 AM

    If your knowledge of love is limited to just the feeling, then no it won't be enough to stay together. Love does indeed cover a multiude of faults, but a lack of effort to be the best you can be in the relationship (from BOTH people) it's not worth it. There's common sense to account for. Use it.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/06/2012 at 2:27 PM

      Powerful point that many people might miss or not fully understand.

    • QueenSheeba30

      09/06/2012 at 11:43 PM

      Great point Paul! Too often people overlook the "black n white" truth and lean towards the "grey" feeling.

  8. Paul B.

    09/06/2012 at 10:31 AM

    Besides, walking away isn't walking away from love. You can love them, but you have to love yourself too. As long as loving them doesn't violate the love you have for yourself, then by all means, go ahead and fight for it.

  9. Gigi

    09/06/2012 at 10:49 AM

    If u stay in a destructive relationship only proves how low ur self steam is and always will be. You need to love urself first then love the next person. The only reason chad is doing all this whoopla is to save face Evelyn needs to get her money and bounced (we all know she was in for the money).

  10. Piscean

    09/06/2012 at 1:10 PM

    I have mixed opinions in general about fighting for love…however, regarding Chad and Evelyn’s case…I think it’s a Walk Away type situation.

    Hmmmm on second thought…maybe they SHOULD stay together! Reasoning for that would be that they both seem pretty volatile and crazy and since they both like that kind of behavior, they should both be together and enjoy as much physical abuse as they can take. I mean, is it really a good idea for them to both be separated so they can inflict this kind of abuse on someone who doesn’t share their love for it?! This could be a good case of two birds who flock together and should stay together. Unless, of course, both of them no longer wants to deal with this foolishness and get some therapy.

    Love can be blinding…damn near blinding to the point where you can’t open your eye b/c you lost your sight after your “perfect prince” knocks you square in the face. Chances are that if this abuse is occurring this early in the marriage, it will probably continue.

    Marriage is hard, it wont’ be easy, and in everyday cases, maybe fighting for love is something honorable, but I can’t say that tattooing your woman’s face on your shin is considered going to blows for the one you are in love with. Why not going to  counseling? Is it too hard or too long of a grueling process? Too harsh on the pride to have someone tell you that you may have issues? Well, if that’s the case, get your Bitty on!

      ­­  

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