The Ongoing FAIL That Is The “Self-Respecting Relationship”

“Really?! On the first date b*tch?!”

Dear readers, allow me to present a scenario to you that I hear FAR too often, and I want you to HONESTLY tell me if you’ve ever been in a situation like this: Boy meets girl and they fall for each other; Boy and girl go out on a few dates and end up smashing; They go on a few more dates and smash a few more times [without any official commitment]; Boy and girl continue liking each other – until one day girl approaches boy and asks him ‘what are we doing?; Boy gets confused and utters a nonsensical reply to which girl counters with an ultimatum – either we make this thing OFFICIAL or the nani gets CUT OFF; Boy acquiesces to save the availability of the good vagina and girl ends up in a relationship – with someone she KNOWS she shouldn’t be in a relationship with. This is called the SELF-RESPECTING relationship, and it is arguably one of the STUPIDEST ways you can waste your time, energy and overwrought emotions.

If that scenario sounded familiar to you, feel NO way about it because you are in the MAJORITY, since that story plays out in real life FAR TOO OFTEN. There are WAY too many women who are smashing dudes during the dating process [which is PERFECTLY fine] but then decide that they can ONLY continue letting homeboy beat the brakes off her uterus IF he decides to be in a relationship with her, simply because that’s what “self-respecting” women do [which is NOT fine at all]. They have it ALL wrong, because that’s simply just what IDIOTS do.

If you go on a date with someone and you see that you two have a genuine, undeniable chemistry with each other that makes you want to pursue a relationship with them, the common sense school of thought is that you should PROBABLY see how things progress a LITTLE longer BEFORE you decide to get more serious, so you can accurately quantify if that was just momentary potential and intrigue, or if it was the beginning of a deeper, more substantive connection. Why the HELL are you tearing off your panty-draws and giving some dude access to the softest place on Earth, if you KNOW you are unable to have emotionless, nut-busting, squirtastic dating-sex?

“Ok there, I swallowed…so we’re a couple now right?”

See, if you know you are a woman who can only receive ‘in a relationship richard’ then your best bet is to wait until you are actually IN a committed relationship to have sex, because men find it annoying as HELL to be hit with the “Girlfriend/Nani ultimatum” in the middle of the dating process.

But here’s the more important thing: Starting a relationship with a dude solely because you don’t feel “right” getting richard outside of the confines of a relationship is extremely problematic. Your relationship isn’t based on a strong connection – it’s just based on your desperate desire to NOT look like a hoe, which in turn makes you WASTE time getting serious with someone you don’t SERIOUSLY see in your long term future. If you are a grown-ass woman reading this, on behalf of men everywhere, please set YOUR standards and adhere to them as best YOU can, because it’s frustrating as hell to see y’all act brand new out of NOWHERE, simply because some judgemental person [or part of your mind] declared you aren’t “respecting” yourself.

The truth is, REAL self-respect is predicated on being comfortable and confident with the decisions you make as an ADULT – not scrambling to change your perception into something based off a LIE.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/12/2012 at 5:52 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think MEN Are Guilty Of The "Self-Respecting Relationship" As Well?

  2. petersburgh

    09/12/2012 at 6:11 AM

    Due to my bluntness I have never been in such a situation before but I have a lot of friends who have been. I think it's stupid really and I put it in the same vein where some Christians rush to the altar just because the woman became pregnant (the sin was already committed FOOLS). I do think some men are guilty of this as well. I know a guy who used to hit this bomb chick and ended up telling her "we might as well be together since I'm the only one hitting this". Though it may not necessarily be for the same reasons as the ladies, it is theoretically the same thing.

  3. mena

    09/12/2012 at 6:47 AM

    This comes down to being honest with yourself. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

    Don't have sex just to keep someone. Know whether you can either screw with or without a relationship. Know that your self worth isn't tied to your vagina or penis. Stop placing the vagina or penis on some mythical pedestal.

  4. Smilez_920

    09/12/2012 at 7:53 AM

    +1 Linc . One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is asking the " what are we doing " question after she's had sex with a man. That's something that you should clear up with a guy before you drop your panties to the floor. Especially if casual sex is not your forte.

    Guys are guilty of the " self respecting relationship" but it's basically for easy convenience. Usually he's messing with a woman who puts him in the situation stated above, and she's already giving up gf benefits, so he just ties her down for his own convenience, until he finds some other bait.

  5. Concrete_Rose

    09/12/2012 at 8:37 AM

    See I'm on the feve with this posts. Ideally, clearly defining what you're looking for and when the panties come down is a better path to go.

    At the same time, I don't fault these women. Ok things happened some women move faster than others, but if she's seeing that perhaps this isn't leading to the relationship she wants to be in I think it's better for her to vocalize it or end shit!

  6. Paul B.

    09/12/2012 at 9:13 AM

    Smh, the consistent contradictions are eliminating certain women from the dating pool and getting them put into the cut buddy category themselves. Some of these same ones are using sex as a litmus test to decide if they want to be in a relationship with these dudes are also the same ones who will tell you that when they meet a guy they like they won't sleep with him because they don't want sex to complicate things. While we can talk about the contradictory ideologies of men and I'm sure we will at some point, this isn't about them yet. So please don't talk about what men do; this isn't about them.

    The fact is while women can claim to respect themselves in this situation, and they can (I guess), men don't choose their mates directly off of the woman's perceived level of respect; men choose a woman off of his respect level for her. (Though it can be fallacious at times.)

  7. alexxussknight

    09/12/2012 at 11:08 AM

    Here's a novel idea, don't sleep with dude til your in a relationship. Point blank period. Save yourself the hurt feelings save yourself the confusion, just save it all untill you know what IS actually happening between you too. Done simple. People and their flesh make life complicated, stop succumbing and start thinking. There would be less drama and less people in the wrong relationships.

  8. alexxussknight

    09/12/2012 at 11:10 AM

    p.s. I have never started the "what are we doing" conversation is it me or isn't that just humiliating gaaaah I'd rather bite my own damned tounge off before asking that. Just my opinion!

  9. Porsh

    09/12/2012 at 3:39 PM

    It would be beautiful if life was like this; no sex mistakes were made and everyone "knew themselves". O what a beautiful and fun dating world it would be, but realistically people are constantly changing. Someone may think they can do something, even a man thinking he wants a relationship, and soon realize it is not in fact what they want at the time. Usually I agree with you but really I think that this is completely subjective and dependent on the scenario.

    Knowing your self is good but making mistakes and exceptions is a part of life as well.

  10. crystal

    09/12/2012 at 9:30 PM

    So Mr. Author…lemme get this straight, I am supposed to continue having sex with this man, spending time, money and emotion while he freely sees other women? No commitment means I'm giving him the green light to do whatever he wishes, and there is no guilt on his part because we aren't "committed". I'm supposed to be okay with that, even though he's not okay with me seeing other men? Hmmmm, or, if he is like okay "do what you gotta do, but I don't want a relationship", "I still want you around though", How do I interpret that? Hmmmm…

  11. Henri

    09/12/2012 at 10:14 PM

    I think the problem is using sex as "the dangling carrot", if you want commitment, that should be established before you have sex, and give your partner money, emotions, etc. You dont give all those things away for free and then put a price on it , that's stupid.
    I think the reasoning behind their argument is that if they act like they are in a relationship then the guy should come to his senses and make "what they are doing" official.
    If you are giving the nani away and dude still doesnt want to commit, it could be detrimental to the girl's self esteem. Hopefully one day women will learn that a man wont necessarily love you more if you do/give more.

  12. Candice

    09/13/2012 at 12:32 AM

    I was one of those chicks that would sleep with a dude (not to trap him) and then ask what we are doing. It finally hit me one day… I'm not good at casual encounters. Why continue to lie to myself? I admit there are much longer periods with no "action" but I'm feeling better emotionally in the long run.

  13. bellatrice1

    09/13/2012 at 7:02 PM

    Ok, seriously lmfao at BOTH captions under BOTH pictures!! Oh and I approve this message lol

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