The Ongoing FAIL That Is The “Self-Respecting Relationship”

“Really?! On the first date b*tch?!”

Dear readers, allow me to present a scenario to you that I hear FAR too often, and I want you to HONESTLY tell me if you’ve ever been in a situation like this: Boy meets girl and they fall for each other; Boy and girl go out on a few dates and end up smashing; They go on a few more dates and smash a few more times [without any official commitment]; Boy and girl continue liking each other – until one day girl approaches boy and asks him ‘what are we doing?; Boy gets confused and utters a nonsensical reply to which girl counters with an ultimatum – either we make this thing OFFICIAL or the nani gets CUT OFF; Boy acquiesces to save the availability of the good vagina and girl ends up in a relationship – with someone she KNOWS she shouldn’t be in a relationship with. This is called the SELF-RESPECTING relationship, and it is arguably one of the STUPIDEST ways you can waste your time, energy and overwrought emotions.

If that scenario sounded familiar to you, feel NO way about it because you are in the MAJORITY, since that story plays out in real life FAR TOO OFTEN. There are WAY too many women who are smashing dudes during the dating process [which is PERFECTLY fine] but then decide that they can ONLY continue letting homeboy beat the brakes off her uterus IF he decides to be in a relationship with her, simply because that’s what “self-respecting” women do [which is NOT fine at all]. They have it ALL wrong, because that’s simply just what IDIOTS do.

If you go on a date with someone and you see that you two have a genuine, undeniable chemistry with each other that makes you want to pursue a relationship with them, the common sense school of thought is that you should PROBABLY see how things progress a LITTLE longer BEFORE you decide to get more serious, so you can accurately quantify if that was just momentary potential and intrigue, or if it was the beginning of a deeper, more substantive connection. Why the HELL are you tearing off your panty-draws and giving some dude access to the softest place on Earth, if you KNOW you are unable to have emotionless, nut-busting, squirtastic dating-sex?

“Ok there, I swallowed…so we’re a couple now right?”

See, if you know you are a woman who can only receive ‘in a relationship richard’ then your best bet is to wait until you are actually IN a committed relationship to have sex, because men find it annoying as HELL to be hit with the “Girlfriend/Nani ultimatum” in the middle of the dating process.

But here’s the more important thing: Starting a relationship with a dude solely because you don’t feel “right” getting richard outside of the confines of a relationship is extremely problematic. Your relationship isn’t based on a strong connection – it’s just based on your desperate desire to NOT look like a hoe, which in turn makes you WASTE time getting serious with someone you don’t SERIOUSLY see in your long term future. If you are a grown-ass woman reading this, on behalf of men everywhere, please set YOUR standards and adhere to them as best YOU can, because it’s frustrating as hell to see y’all act brand new out of NOWHERE, simply because some judgemental person [or part of your mind] declared you aren’t “respecting” yourself.

The truth is, REAL self-respect is predicated on being comfortable and confident with the decisions you make as an ADULT – not scrambling to change your perception into something based off a LIE.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/12/2012 at 5:52 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think MEN Are Guilty Of The "Self-Respecting Relationship" As Well?

    • Piscean

      09/12/2012 at 10:17 AM

      I don't think I have encountered a man who is guilty of this.

      But I disagree with some of this post. Giving your nani to a man who isn't committing doesn't mean that women are entitled to continually give it. Why should she be committing to giving the nani?

      Sometimes we give it because we also are sexually curious to know if we are compatible. Once the guy isn't on the same page commitment-wise, not only should she pack up her nani but also get out of that scenario.

      Sometimes it's not always about not giving it to look "self-respecting." sometimes it's not given bc she respects herself enough to not continually give away sex to someone who isn't on the same page as her.

      • mena

        09/12/2012 at 12:04 PM

        I think the entire post is about holding sex over someone's head in order to force them to commit so that the woman can continue to get dick and not look like a perceived whore.

        This post isn't so much about those women (or men for that matter) who absolutely need sexual compatibility before they commit. It's about those women who would rather be in a relationship so that she feels better about her self for simply wanting to get some ass.

        You're describing something different.

        "But I disagree with some of this post. Giving your nani to a man who isn't committing doesn't mean that women are entitled to continually give it. Why should she be committing to giving the nani?" I didn't see this in the post actually.

        • Piscean

          09/12/2012 at 1:06 PM

          I guess I just see it like this. Noone can force anyone to do anything they don't wanna do. A woman can't force a man to commit and a man can't force a woman to give nani. They boh make a choice. And if a woman doesn't want to continue having sex with a guy she was dating because he doesn't want to commit. That's her choice to do so (regardless of what she wants to be perceived as). If he doesn't like it, he can find pussy elsewhere. Women pass it out like candy anyways. So, it's even. She didn't get what she wanted from the relationship and he doesnt get her nani anymore.
          I dont see a problem with this. Sounds more like the expectation is that once the pussy is given … It should be given regardless from there on in.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/12/2012 at 2:11 PM

            My point is, there are women out there who will create relationships with a man based on the fact that they had sex, and will use said sex as the impetus for being together, even though SHE knows full well that thy don't have real GF/BF chemistry.

            They are doing it just because something in their head is telling them that they are compromising their self respect by having sex that isn't leading to anything substantial, just pleasure-smashing.

          • Piscean

            09/12/2012 at 3:10 PM

            Ok but on the flip side, there are men who use women for the comfort of having her there. Playing the un-official girlfriend role. Both sexes use eachother is my point. And if she had sex with homeboy and than realized she caught feelings, and no longer wants to continue… She should be able to leave the situation. Who cares if she feels in her head self-respecting? She's allowed to chnage her mind. If he isn't committing to her, than she shouldn't commit to screwing him. I cannot fathom the type of women you are speaking of. Women who have sex and now say " let's get committed" knowing they shouldn't be together. It's usually because is starting to catch feelings for the dude she is boning.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/12/2012 at 3:21 PM

            But this particular post is not about catching feelings – it's about faking feelings in order to feel better about one's public perception – and those women definitely do exist.

          • ChloeRayne516

            09/12/2012 at 3:29 PM

            So what you saying is.. A woman will get into a commited relationship with a man even though she can't stand the air he breathes just because she had s.ex with him just so she can save face???

            WTHDDTA?!!!!! and what age group of women are we talking about here??


          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/12/2012 at 3:34 PM

            It happens with all age groups because it's a mentality that has been ingrained in her that she can't shake. This happens to men ALL the time and that's how many BS relationships are created.

          • ChloeRayne516

            09/12/2012 at 3:30 PM

            "Women who have sex and now say " let's get committed" knowing they shouldn't be together. It's usually because is starting to catch feelings for the dude she is boning. "



          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/12/2012 at 3:33 PM

            Disagree. There's a difference between organic feelings and FORCING a connection.

    • nolabels

      09/17/2012 at 1:20 PM

      I have yet to encounter men who are guilty of this.

      As for myself, I tend to stick to the principle of not giving the cookie unless I'm in the confines of a relationship, and I let the guy know up front. That way, he can decide what he wants to do from there.

      The one time I didn't adhere to it (just wanted to be with a guy for the sex, nothing more), the situation became sticky. He claimed he was down and didn't want anything serious; then he started catching feelings and wanting it all the time. But he and I talked about it ahead of time; he said he was down; then he reneged on the original arrangement.

  2. petersburgh

    09/12/2012 at 6:11 AM

    Due to my bluntness I have never been in such a situation before but I have a lot of friends who have been. I think it's stupid really and I put it in the same vein where some Christians rush to the altar just because the woman became pregnant (the sin was already committed FOOLS). I do think some men are guilty of this as well. I know a guy who used to hit this bomb chick and ended up telling her "we might as well be together since I'm the only one hitting this". Though it may not necessarily be for the same reasons as the ladies, it is theoretically the same thing.

    • mena

      09/12/2012 at 6:48 AM

      I think a lot of people assume that they are the only ones hitting it and get in their feelings when they find out they aren't.

      • ChloeRayne516

        09/12/2012 at 8:57 AM


      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/12/2012 at 2:12 PM


    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:13 PM

      You know what you're right about that, because I've heard dudes say the exact same BS.

  3. mena

    09/12/2012 at 6:47 AM

    This comes down to being honest with yourself. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

    Don't have sex just to keep someone. Know whether you can either screw with or without a relationship. Know that your self worth isn't tied to your vagina or penis. Stop placing the vagina or penis on some mythical pedestal.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:14 PM

      If someone wants to put it on the pedestal that's fine, but they need to have the sense to know want they can handle and what they can't.

  4. Smilez_920

    09/12/2012 at 7:53 AM

    +1 Linc . One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is asking the " what are we doing " question after she's had sex with a man. That's something that you should clear up with a guy before you drop your panties to the floor. Especially if casual sex is not your forte.

    Guys are guilty of the " self respecting relationship" but it's basically for easy convenience. Usually he's messing with a woman who puts him in the situation stated above, and she's already giving up gf benefits, so he just ties her down for his own convenience, until he finds some other bait.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:15 PM

      I definitely agree that both sexes are equally guilty of wasting one another's time when it comes to forming a relationship.

  5. Concrete_Rose

    09/12/2012 at 8:37 AM

    See I'm on the feve with this posts. Ideally, clearly defining what you're looking for and when the panties come down is a better path to go.

    At the same time, I don't fault these women. Ok things happened some women move faster than others, but if she's seeing that perhaps this isn't leading to the relationship she wants to be in I think it's better for her to vocalize it or end shit!

    • Piscean

      09/12/2012 at 11:42 AM


    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:17 PM

      You're last sentence is basically my point. But I do fault those women for knowing themselves yet still going out and slamming men when they know casual sex is not their forte. Any sex not had in the confines of a committed relationship essentially is casual sex.

  6. Paul B.

    09/12/2012 at 9:13 AM

    Smh, the consistent contradictions are eliminating certain women from the dating pool and getting them put into the cut buddy category themselves. Some of these same ones are using sex as a litmus test to decide if they want to be in a relationship with these dudes are also the same ones who will tell you that when they meet a guy they like they won't sleep with him because they don't want sex to complicate things. While we can talk about the contradictory ideologies of men and I'm sure we will at some point, this isn't about them yet. So please don't talk about what men do; this isn't about them.

    The fact is while women can claim to respect themselves in this situation, and they can (I guess), men don't choose their mates directly off of the woman's perceived level of respect; men choose a woman off of his respect level for her. (Though it can be fallacious at times.)

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:18 PM

      Real talk. I'm waiting for this to be turned around on men.

  7. alexxussknight

    09/12/2012 at 11:08 AM

    Here's a novel idea, don't sleep with dude til your in a relationship. Point blank period. Save yourself the hurt feelings save yourself the confusion, just save it all untill you know what IS actually happening between you too. Done simple. People and their flesh make life complicated, stop succumbing and start thinking. There would be less drama and less people in the wrong relationships.

    • Piscean

      09/12/2012 at 11:44 AM

      And what if dude waits to be officially committed and gets the nani and dips? What of the sex is bad? I think sexual chemistry is highly under-rated and I for one like to know how sexually compatible I am with a man.

      • alexxussknight

        09/12/2012 at 12:52 PM

        If you sleep with him and you're not committed he could take the nani and dip, if you wait to be in the relationship and then sleep with him he could take the nani and dip either way it's a risk. Actually sex is over rated and as for the sex being bad, sex is an act it's something that can be taught or experimented with, adults should learn to communicate their desires rather than expect that others automatically know what they need and want. If the sex is bad the first time you just what tell dude to F off and leave it there? Isn't that a waste of time? My personal philosophy is this if I don't like the way something happened once it doesn't happen that way a second time.

        • mena

          09/12/2012 at 12:57 PM

          Hold the phone!! You mean you want to actually work with a person to possibly build a stronger relationship instead to running away? You mean you value patience and understanding?!? STOP THE NONSENSE!!! :-)

          • alexxussknight

            09/12/2012 at 8:09 PM


        • Piscean

          09/12/2012 at 1:14 PM

          Well to each it's own. I find it very important and I believe men to feel the same way. If the sex isn't good and the person can communicate but doesn't want to change or try things…. Well, you are outta luck. Bc straight up… If a man isn't sexually satisfied, he will make sure he gets his satisfaction in one way or another. You can talk until your far turns blue but if the sexual chemistry is off… GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH!!!

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          09/12/2012 at 2:22 PM


      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/12/2012 at 2:21 PM

        That's kind of a "what if I slip on the soap in the shower" kinda thing.

        There's nothing wrong with knowing how sexually compatible you are with a man, but you need to understand how comfortable you are with the idea of casual sex, because if you are NOT comfortable with it, then you need to not sleep with a man before he commits.

        • NurseJilly

          09/12/2012 at 2:43 PM

          Exactly!! I know I am 100% not comfortable with casual sex so I'll be keeping the chastity belt on tight till I know where I stand;)

        • Piscean

          09/12/2012 at 3:15 PM

          I guess my concern is that in the many cases I've heard about, men haven't came right out and said they aren't looking for a relationship. T usually is something like" if it's the right person, blah blah blah". I can't understand why a women would knowingly sleep with a man who has been clear that he doesn't want anything serious in hopes that he'll change his mind. The " I don't want a relationship" talk seems to have been communicated after sex has been had.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/12/2012 at 3:22 PM

            But this situation is different because neither party expressed a desire to be in, or not be in a relationship. They were dating, had sex, and then she felt the need to push the relationship agenda, NOT out of her affection for him, but just out of the desire to not look like she gives it up easy.

          • alexxussknight

            09/12/2012 at 8:20 PM

            Too late you had sex you already look easy!

          • alexxussknight

            09/12/2012 at 8:19 PM

            Exactly don't put yourself through it. That's the damned problem, do what you want to do and live with the decision you made, but stop thinking that everytime you lay down with a man that he is the one! Cut that crap out!

        • alexxussknight

          09/12/2012 at 8:17 PM

          I'm not talking about an individual who is unwilling, I wouldnt waste my time with someone who is unrecpetive. I've been in both types of situations where it started off one way (not that great) and ended up up mind boggling usually because conversations were had and each person listened. I've also had situations where there was no talking about it so they got nada and I kept it moving. You know what the real is not all men are meant to be your boyfriend, discern who is and isn't worthy of the title, some you should slap and gwan. If it's a realationship you want keep your legs closed until you figure out he's worth it. If you don't care either put it on him and move the hell on!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:19 PM

      Completely agree.

  8. alexxussknight

    09/12/2012 at 11:10 AM

    p.s. I have never started the "what are we doing" conversation is it me or isn't that just humiliating gaaaah I'd rather bite my own damned tounge off before asking that. Just my opinion!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 2:17 PM

      Good! Men and women alike should hate that question with equal fervour!

    • Paul B.

      09/12/2012 at 7:09 PM

      I don't know if it is the question itself or the timing of it. Asking what are we doing when you're buck naked post cloths needing a warm rag is not a good idea. You need to know what you want going in and be honest with yourself and them. This goes for males and females.

      • alexxussknight

        09/12/2012 at 8:21 PM

        Exactly and often times chicks know what it is they just don't want to admit it to themselves.

        • Paul B.

          09/13/2012 at 12:29 AM

          Pretty much.

  9. Porsh

    09/12/2012 at 3:39 PM

    It would be beautiful if life was like this; no sex mistakes were made and everyone "knew themselves". O what a beautiful and fun dating world it would be, but realistically people are constantly changing. Someone may think they can do something, even a man thinking he wants a relationship, and soon realize it is not in fact what they want at the time. Usually I agree with you but really I think that this is completely subjective and dependent on the scenario.

    Knowing your self is good but making mistakes and exceptions is a part of life as well.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/12/2012 at 5:50 PM

      I agree that making mistakes is part of life. With that said, there must be a statute of limitations on bad choices. I can see a woman falling victim to entering into a BS relationship once, but if it becomes repetitive that no longer is an accident, that's a decision.

      • petersburgh

        09/12/2012 at 6:18 PM

        I always say on a given situation once is a mistake, twice thrice etc are bad choices

  10. crystal

    09/12/2012 at 9:30 PM

    So Mr. Author…lemme get this straight, I am supposed to continue having sex with this man, spending time, money and emotion while he freely sees other women? No commitment means I'm giving him the green light to do whatever he wishes, and there is no guilt on his part because we aren't "committed". I'm supposed to be okay with that, even though he's not okay with me seeing other men? Hmmmm, or, if he is like okay "do what you gotta do, but I don't want a relationship", "I still want you around though", How do I interpret that? Hmmmm…

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/13/2012 at 1:46 AM

      <img src=""&gt;

      If you have sex with a guy you eventually see no real long term potential in, you either casually slam or drop him and keep it moving.

      Forcing yourself into a relationship does NO ONE any good.

  11. Henri

    09/12/2012 at 10:14 PM

    I think the problem is using sex as "the dangling carrot", if you want commitment, that should be established before you have sex, and give your partner money, emotions, etc. You dont give all those things away for free and then put a price on it , that's stupid.
    I think the reasoning behind their argument is that if they act like they are in a relationship then the guy should come to his senses and make "what they are doing" official.
    If you are giving the nani away and dude still doesnt want to commit, it could be detrimental to the girl's self esteem. Hopefully one day women will learn that a man wont necessarily love you more if you do/give more.

  12. Candice

    09/13/2012 at 12:32 AM

    I was one of those chicks that would sleep with a dude (not to trap him) and then ask what we are doing. It finally hit me one day… I'm not good at casual encounters. Why continue to lie to myself? I admit there are much longer periods with no "action" but I'm feeling better emotionally in the long run.

  13. bellatrice1

    09/13/2012 at 7:02 PM

    Ok, seriously lmfao at BOTH captions under BOTH pictures!! Oh and I approve this message lol

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