There’s No “Right” Age To Be READY For Marriage

Some of y’all are no more ready to get married than THESE two…

I’m really starting to think there must REALLY be an epidemic amongst my generation [late 20’s to mid 30’s] where we all FEEL like we needed to be READY for marriage YESTERDAY or else we are really FAILING at life. This topic really concerns me because I’m noticing relationships failing all around me with people of my age group because of one tricky relationship dynamic: When should a man or woman be READY to get married? The fact that many of us are NOT married is ONE thing, but let someone our age state we AREN’T ready for marriage just yet, and people will cuss our ass out like how Green Bay Packers fans cuss replacement refs.

And the one thing I find really HILARIOUS about this discussion, is that the concept of marriage is so heavily propagated as a NECESSITY of ALL of our young lives, that it seems childish and inconceivable for someone to NOT want to enter into a LIFELONG union without giving it adequate and sufficient thought. The way folks are acting out here, you would think marriage is akin to deciding if you want to order oxtails or curry goat at a Jamaican restaurant [“HURRY UP NUH MAN!”]. Listen, the concept of telling people that they need to create a hard deadline on MOST important life decisions is complete BS, but if there’s ONE union that you should definitely NOT rush into, it’s marriage. The truth is, there’s no “RIGHT” age to be READY for marriage, and if you are 30+ and STILL not ready, anyone who derides you for that is a DOUCHEBAG.

The problem with entering into the WRONG marriage [meaning one that you weren’t mentally ready for] is that it will SCAR you immensely for the REST of your life in ways you probably can’t imagine. Psychologically, you can develop insane trust or abandonment issues, as well as a HOST of other sh*t from committing your ENTIRE heart to someone BEFORE you were truly ready. Emotionally, you can inherit all types of debilitating issues embittering you from entering into a healthy relationship again. But more importantly, you waste your TIME and your EFFORT trying to appease people at the most inopportune moment for YOURSELF – the person that matters THE MOST.

I believe in love and I also believe in marriage [for some people NOT everybody] but more importantly, I believe the biggest key to entering into, or ensuring the success of, a relationship is advancing the seriousness of it at the EXACT moment YOU want to, regardless of what everyone around you thinks.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

38 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/25/2012 at 4:41 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, do you believe there is a "RIGHT" age to be READY to be married by?

  2. @DoWuSem

    09/25/2012 at 4:53 AM

    This has been my thoughts all along. What bothers me most is when people who have divorced or separated in their marriages urge others to enter into the institution simply because they're old enough. Anyway, what is old enough for marriage? 20, 25, 30 or 35?

    When it comes to marriage, each must decide for himself or herself. No external pressures are needed. People overemphasize the AGE FACTOR without hammering on the MATURITY FACTOR. I see so many immature people entering to marriages they're ill-prepared for. This marriages seldom leads to happiness and personal development.

    • GrandCentral

      09/25/2012 at 11:31 AM

      You are so right! It's always the person who didn't really do the marriage commitment right , that has the most advice to dispense.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/25/2012 at 1:48 PM

        SMH…So True

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 1:48 PM

      Co-Sign Everything You Wrote 100%

  3. petersburgh

    09/25/2012 at 6:31 AM

    The right age to be married at is the age where you are ready to be married at and that's it

    • Shaun

      09/25/2012 at 12:05 PM

      Is readiness quantifiable? Saying I'm ready doesn't really mean that person is ready. So how can it be measured?

      • petersburgh

        09/25/2012 at 12:20 PM

        No it's not but you're either ready or you're not regardless of what you thinkSent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

        • oh ok...

          09/26/2012 at 2:46 AM

          really not rocket science…

          • Shaun

            09/28/2012 at 7:15 PM

            It kinda is, look at all the broken marriages around.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/25/2012 at 1:49 PM

        I think it can be measured on the strength of your unaffected will – the hard part is truly finding what someone's unaffected will is.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 1:48 PM

      Agreed

  4. Smilez_920

    09/25/2012 at 7:15 AM

    Yes and no. I do think thy a lot of ppl especially women feel rushed to get down the isle, and age usually plays a big factor, even when their not emotionally and mentall stable enough to have a healthy marriage. But I mean how long am I really suppose to push it off. I mean if I want kids , I can't wait until 50 to get married. I don't want them out of wedlock . I do wish more ppl wouldn't jump into marriage without really examing what their getting into.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with a person wanting to be married around a certain age as long as their mentally preparing themselves.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 1:52 PM

      But that's the problem in my mind with women and marriage: Balancing your biological clock and your maturity to be in a committed, serious, lifelong institution.

      So many women are basing their inclination on being married as doing it while she can still have kids in wedlock – and it's forcing women to HAVE to make a choice MANY women simply DON'T want to make: Many will have to choose to compromise somewhere IF they want to get BOTH.

      • Smilez_920

        09/25/2012 at 2:38 PM

        Trust we do a lot if compromising to get both. Men will never feel the half . As a man if you get married and decided you want kids at 40 there's a good chance your wife will be 5 to 10 yrs youger the. you and able to produce those kids.

        Lets say my knight come at 43 but my night wants kids and I can't have any. Then what what if that's my knights deal breaker.

        I'm not advocating for anyone to rush into anything because marriage isn't for everyone , and its a very serious union. But I can't tell a woman who wants a family to not keep that in mind as she gets older and decides to deal with certain men.

        I don't there's a problem with women keeping that though in mind when picking a suitor , I think it becomes an issue when that's the only reason your choosing / staying with someone

  5. longtimelurker

    09/25/2012 at 8:09 AM

    Of course there's no right age to get married, but many women want some form of committed relationship before having kids, and this is where shit gets real. I know at least half a dozen women who are now in there late 30's or early 40's, single and childless and desparately seeking sperm! So while I agree there's no rush to get married, we aint forever young, and especially if a woman wants children she has to evaluate her options about the age of 35 when the egg supply starts to drop. Man can wait unti "kingdom come" and there's really no comnsquence excepT being an old ass dad like Hugh Hefner! Lol

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 1:54 PM

      And just like I was saying above to Smilez, women either need to make a compromise or stop wishing and roll with the punches, because there's no guarantee your knight in shining armour will come along before your "eggs are all dried up" so it's a serious decision some women have to make.

  6. mena

    09/25/2012 at 10:40 AM

    For women it's just different. If women don't want kids then that is fine. She can wait until forever. However, if she does want kids, that clock is serious. Do guys not understand this?

    So no, there is no right age to get married but there is a certain age for every woman where she can no longer have children. This is a women's reality.

    One of my clients actually told me that once I turn 30 to go and get tested on whether or not I could have kids and then have some of my eggs frozen. I am actually considering this.

    • iluvwhoiluv

      09/25/2012 at 1:19 PM

      I definitely have to agree with you, Mena, as it pertains to the timetable for having children. If that's not a factor, then sure, she can wait. However, once it gets past 30, especially 35 on up, childbirth starts to become a bit challenging.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/25/2012 at 1:57 PM

        And therein lies the problem. Just like I talked about in my "middle age marriage rush" blog, people are sprinting to the altar just to beat their biological clocks and getting married to people they have NO BUSINESS being married to, and then subsequently getting divorced.

        What I find so hilarious about those women, is that they will go OFF if you even mention the idea of having children outside of marriage as if it's a big difference from what THEY did.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 1:55 PM

      I definitely understand that, but women need to start realistically assessing the REALITY of their options. We live in a MUCH different world than before, and this concept that every woman is going to end up in a committed marriage during the age it's still safe to have kids is simply fallacious.

      • mena

        09/25/2012 at 2:24 PM

        I think that women are swallowing this pill. That their days are numbered when it comes to children.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          09/25/2012 at 2:28 PM

          If that's their option based on marriage then so be it, but putting undue pressure on yourself or living a life you aren't satisfied with because of what OTHER people will say is the truly sad part of that equation.

          • mena

            09/25/2012 at 2:44 PM

            If you want kids, and are at a certain age, you should put pressure on yourself to either find a man who is in line with you or simply have your eggs frozen so that if you do meet someone, you can still have children. A lot of people care about what others think (which may suck but that is life) but a lot of women just simply want children and not out of wedlock.

            I don't understand why women are always told in uncertain terms to settle in order to get half of what they want.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            09/25/2012 at 5:42 PM

            Women don't have to settle, they just have to make tougher decisions. Society has changed.

  7. GrandCentral

    09/25/2012 at 11:30 AM

    Our generation is just different! We have different issues to deal with and our “parents just don’t understand.” Nothing in life should be rushed. I always knew I would be married and have children later in life. I often said 35. However, if I have to wait until I am 40 to walk down the aisle, so be it. At least it will be the right time and we will have our best fighting chance at lasting the test of time. Sure I want children and If I am meant to have them I will. If not, there are so many children in need right here in the US. I’ll adopt a few and with my husband and give them a loving home and excellent childhood. My mother’s favorite line to drop on me with everything is “oh please, when I was your age I had a husband, two kids and a mortgage to deal with – give me a break!” This is how she and her peers think, so it’s no wonder that women face pressure from family and love ones to settle down. But who cares! I am very relaxed and in no rush. The fertility and egg talk means nothing to me, especially when the offspring will ultimately end up suffering for a bad decision.

    • NurseJilly

      09/25/2012 at 11:56 AM

      Exactly how I feel too…

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 2:01 PM

      Real talk.

  8. 2cool4school

    09/25/2012 at 11:48 AM

    Thank you so much mena and longtimelurker. I am in no position to tell someone when they are ready for anything but despite our new insights into interpersonal relationships our physiology does not give a damn. Women can freeze individual eggs or ovarian tissue (which can be stimulated to produce eggs on demand). However, these options are not cheap and infertility is variable. Some have issues at 28 and others not until they are into their 40s. What kills me is watching people find love in their 20s and throw it away because they trying to sow their wild oats, only to find in their late 20's and 30's its much harder to find somebody because of commitments and jaded attitudes. If you have the right person in your life stop dragging your feet and make it happen. No one is 100% ready when opportunity knocks.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 2:02 PM

      True, but your motivation to dedicate the rest of your entire life to another human should be predicated on more than just what people TELL you, you NEED to do.

  9. NurseJilly

    09/25/2012 at 11:59 AM

    I can't lie I have felt the push to get this marriage show on the road but honestly I am not sweating that at all anymore. Sure I want to have children one day but maybe thats not in the cards for me. Who knows?

    Having faith in God means having faith in his timing. So if and when its meant to happen it'll happen.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 2:02 PM

      Good point.

    • GrandCentral

      09/25/2012 at 3:04 PM

      We are in sync on this.

      I believe that God has already mapped out my life. I am here to just sit back and enjoy the ride. From personal experience, I can attest that you find true happiness and things become soooo much easier when you fully understand this and embrace it.

  10. Paul B.

    09/25/2012 at 1:14 PM

    Here's the thing: Wanting to be married and actually being prepared for it are two different things. There are quite a few of us that want it, but don't make decisions that line up with it though, which is why quite a few of us aren't married now, and probably won't be in the immediate or near future. It's not just about faith, it's about positioning ourselves to be ready for it, and how we conduct ourselves when we're unmarried plays a big part in it. For starters, if you're unpleasant to be around when you're single, chances are you'll be unpleasant to be married to as well. If you're continually dealing with terrible men/women as a single, your decision making is already called into question as well. The truth is that everything we say and do sends a message, and a lot of times the message is that we aren't ready yet or we can't be trusted with what we want.

    • Lia

      09/26/2012 at 6:14 PM

      I just had that conversation the other day. Someone asked me when I was gonna get married. I responded with an "I don't know, I'm not ready for marriage yet." I was then asked when I would be ready, as if I would have an answer lol… There are many of us who want to be married and would be if we could, but some of us are responsible enough to know that more preparation is needed first.

  11. Paul B.

    09/25/2012 at 1:16 PM

    Also truth be told, a lot of us aren't groomed to be husbands or wives anyway. So many of us are only concerned with what somebody can give us, but not concerned with what we can give as well. Selfishness is not an endearing trait for men or women to carry into marriage.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/25/2012 at 2:03 PM

      Co-Sign

  12. Lia

    09/26/2012 at 6:25 PM

    Is there a right age to be married? I don't think so. Is there a right time to be ready? I'm inclined to think so, depending on the person of course. I know couples my age who went out and got married too soon, and now they're miserable. But I also know some couples who are going on 20-30 years of marriage who are just as miserable, if not worse because they were never ready in the first place. It's all about being seasoned enough for the challenge, and different people develop life skills at different rates. Are you loyal enough to truly be committed to another human and their well-being? Have you developed healthy self-esteem to pick a worthy partner? Are you even mature enough to handle responsibilities that come with marriage? The answers to these questions do not necessarily depend on the ages of the people involved to me…

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