Unconditional Love Is For IDIOTS

Looking back on some of my past blogs, I realize that my most “epic” posts are based off of angry-ass rants that I have levied at someone during an intense debate. As a fairly laid back guy, it’s very RARE that I get animated and frustrated during the course of an argument, but when it does happen, it provides me with excellent motivation to write a new piece – and this past weekend, I was DRIVEN to that place by a young lady who tried to convince me that everyone should be like HER: ‘Hopelessly chasing a relationship comprised of UNCONDITIONAL love.’

She clearly did not have a CLUE what the HELL she was talking about.

So Friday night, as I sat by the bar with a friend, this girl approached my boy because they are old friends are go way back. As they greeted each other, he introduced us and we shook hands. She seemed really pleasant, spoke fast as all hell and constantly had a smile glued to her face. As they began catching up with each other [and I experienced that awkward moment when two people start a conversation in front of you that has nothing to do with you, and you don’t know whether you should nod and smile or butt out and mind your business], she said something that was really interesting that eventually touched off a somewhat heated and uncomfortable exchange:

My Boy: “So what you been up to girl?”
D-A Girl: “Just working hard, ya’ know?! Still trying to find “the one” but I’m sure my unconditional love is out there!”
Me: *Smirks*
D-A Girl: “Hi…um, what was that smirk about?”
Me: “Nah it’s nothing. My bad.”
D-A Girl:” No it’s obviously something. You don’t think everyone has the right to chase unconditional love?!”
Me: “I don’t think ANYONE should chase unconditional love because that shouldn’t exist in a relationship.”
D-A Girl: “Oh jesus christ, you are one of THOSE people?! So because you can’t find happiness I guess no one else can be happy too right?!”

Funny enough, the DJ started to blare the music loudly which made it very difficult for me to effectively communicate my point, and then she eventually bailed on the conversation after a heated, awkward exchange and that was that. Unfortunately I never got to convey my point to her – so allow me to do that right NOW: Unconditional love is for your parents, your siblings, your children, select family members and maybe even a lifelong friend, but if you have ANY common sense you will realize that your ROMANTIC love should come with a LOT of conditions and that’s not any LESS valuable than unconditional love – it’s just as valuable because it encompasses having SELF-RESPECT too.

I love my parents, sister, godchildren, children [when I have them], uncles, aunts and cousins unconditionally, meaning there is NOTHING in the world that they can do for me to STOP loving them. They do NOT have to EARN my love or actively manage their behaviour in order to sustain it. They are ALL loved REGARDLESS of how they act, even when I disagree with them. BUT, I will be DAMNED if I extend that courtesy to any woman I’m in a relationship with, and if she’s smart, she DEFINITELY won’t extend that to me either.

Our love SHOULD be conditional, based on principles like:

- No cheating
– No domestic abuse
– No stealing
– No lying
– No intentional disrespect
– Etc.

I hold the above values very close to me, and any woman who I call girlfriend, fiancé, or wife MUST adhere to those conditions or BOUNCE. Hell, I wouldn’t even want to date a woman who didn’t hold me to that too. The second you start chasing ‘unconditional love’ in the context of a relationship, you open yourself up to great disrespect and abuse all in the name of disjointed reality. Because you THINK someone deserves to be loved unconditionally, you will start to make excuses for them and their terrible behaviour under the guise that you are just trying to “make it work.” The second you realize that true love IS very conditional, you will begin to understand that there’s NOTHING wrong with letting your significant other KNOW that your love can NEVER be taken for granted or abused at will.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

39 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    09/04/2012 at 3:45 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do YOU Think True Love Should Be Conditional Or Unconditional?!

  2. O. Harmon

    09/04/2012 at 4:07 AM

    If I've said this once I've said it a million times! How significant is someones love if they're going to love you REGARDLESS! If that's the case, then how significant is their love?! Some people want to be love unconditional, because they lack the emotional stamina to realize that people aren't necessarily going to like you you just because YOU want them to. You don't have unconditional health or employment, so why would love be any different? Good right.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 5:12 AM

      REAL TALK!

    • NurseJilly

      09/04/2012 at 9:42 AM

      Couldn't agree more. Well said sir!!

    • Paul B.

      09/04/2012 at 2:55 PM

      When you're right, you're right.

  3. @DoWuSem

    09/04/2012 at 5:23 AM

    I'm old enough to know TRUE LOVE is conditional.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:16 AM

      And you're smart enough too..

    • Stacey

      09/12/2012 at 12:11 PM

      I don't want love with conditions. I love unconditionally. The reason I don't cheat lie or purposely do things to hurt my partner is because I love him unconditionally, not because he has conditions.

  4. mena

    09/04/2012 at 5:37 AM

    I wouldn't say it's for idiots, I would just say it's not for me at the moment.

    I do place limits on the love that I give which is what you described above. Some would say, that once you are married, you choose to love that person unconditionally. For better or worse. Through sickness and in health. What you described is the "worse" part. So here's a question, when you get married, if you stand true to the vows presented, are you willing to stand by those vows or will you ask the preacher to modify them? Serious question by the way. Will you say "I do, unless…" We all say what we will and won't do until your entire soul is caught in a situation.

    My two deal breakers are cheating and messing with our finances. Why? Bc now you have completely broken my trust (and screwed with my livelyhood) that I didn't give easily in the first place. And since I need balance in my life, and this can lead to me feeling unbalanced and becoming neurotic wondering if you are lying to me again, eventually, I will choose my mental health over my love for a man.

    But will I feel this way once I am married?

    • Kaygee.Allah

      09/04/2012 at 7:03 AM

      Peace, Mena.
      Take it from a married person, as valued as those vows are, they are still conditional… You've just stated that, as well. Anytime you add a "but," or "however," that's a condition. If you take the vows to their extreme, what you said about finances, violates the "For richer or poorer…" Leaving for them cheating would violate the "For better or worse…", wouldn't it? And I notice that you didn't add physical abuse, or utter disrespect, as violations. Those should also be deal breakers.
      I love my wife, and I plan to be with her forever (I hope…), but we've both agreed that ANY of those violations, by either of us, and it's time to walk away.
      No one is gonna take getting slapped/punched/kicked in the mouth, and say (in fat-lip speak) "I still lub hur/himb, an I nebba leebin…" Nahhhhh, I'm OUT. IJS.

      • Smilez_920

        09/04/2012 at 7:43 AM

        Everyone has their limits. I think when your married you are suppose to love your partner at their best and their worst initially. But when their worst starts to negatively effect your well being, mental health, sanity and safety then you have to make that decision to leave or stay.

        Remember you don't choose family, so unconditional love lives in that relam because you didn't choose the conditions under which they would be connected to you. Friends and lovers are ppl we choose to give our time, love and effort too and most things you choose , you choose under a term or condition.

        • mena

          09/04/2012 at 8:34 AM

          I agree with this now as a single person. I am just wondering if I will feel the same way when I am married. My thinking process today probably won't be the exact same when I am married.

      • mena

        09/04/2012 at 8:33 AM

        I don't think you and I are disagree at all. In fact, I agreed with Lincoln. My question was simply, will I feel this exact same way when I am married?

        Thanks for giving me your perspective.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        09/04/2012 at 11:19 AM

        That's real. A relationship is not suppose to negatively affect your intrinsic well-being. If you are in THAT type of relationship, your only recourse for maintaining some semblance of sanity and self-resepct is leaving.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:20 AM

      I think you can. Conditional love is not any less important or substantive than unconditional love, although loving unconditionally sounds so much cooler.

    • dee

      09/04/2012 at 5:33 PM

      yes you will feel the same when you are married!

  5. petersburgh

    09/04/2012 at 6:16 AM

    I think the problem arises because people define unconditional love differently. Some people believe taking the oath till death do us part is unconditional love and others believe saying I want to love you forever is unconditional love which is soooo far from what it actually is. It's simple English really, love that needs no conditions to thrive but we tend to alter it to make people think we're so lovely. Pity the fool

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:21 AM

      That's a serious problem that we rarely talk about unfortunately.

  6. Kaygee.Allah

    09/04/2012 at 7:07 AM

    I'm Kaygee.Allah, and I support this message…

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:21 AM

      Thanks for reading.

  7. Gigi

    09/04/2012 at 9:35 AM

    All love have/must have condition not even the love of parents is unconditional. They too have restrictions for their kids they love them but u must go to school do better, be better in their eyes to make them proud. Sone parents love their kids so much they are willing to kick them out so they become better ppl Why should it be different with a Mateo. The contrary we must be tough with the ppl we choose to spend the rest of our lives. If love that is given is easy it can be taken for granted at Ny moment. Just like nothing in life is free unconditional love is not either

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:22 AM

      Is a parents love really conditional tho?! (I'm asking since I'm not a parent yet)

      • Gigi

        09/04/2012 at 11:27 AM

        I'm not a parent but I seen my brother get kicked out because he wasn't doing anything with his life. I'm sure it hurt my parents but as parents from immigrant that's our condition to be better. A parent can love a child to the point of hurting them. I understand that u will alway love ur child but if u don't plant good seeds you will get weeds.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          09/04/2012 at 12:36 PM

          True. But I think your parents kicking him out was a sign of their true unconditional love for him, because they care too much to not give a damn how his life turns out.

  8. NurseJilly

    09/04/2012 at 9:58 AM

    Excellent post!!

    The concept of unconditional love may seem like a nice idea but it is definitely not practical. My love has a few conditions and my partner better have the same conditions. I have absolutely ZERO desire to be with a man thats gonna love me no matter what I do. That tells me he has no self respect to be honest…

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 11:25 AM

      Please let these folks know what happens when you TRY to love someone unconditionally and that person doesn't love you like that.

  9. Andrew

    09/04/2012 at 11:30 AM

    Love shouldn't be unconditional just because of blood. Not to say that I don't love my mother but I'm not going to hit the cruise control on love just because she pushed me out of her. Just as there are deal breakers in romantic love, there are deal breakers in familial love too.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 12:37 PM

      I don't think of unconditional love as necessarily "take someone for granted" love, but I think it's fair to say you will never NOT care about your mother.

    • iluvwhoiluv

      09/05/2012 at 12:57 PM

      I understand where you are coming from Andrew, but of course I have issues with my mom, too.

  10. LINDA

    09/04/2012 at 12:20 PM

    Unconditional love has no limits. In a relationship when you love someone like that and it's not reciprocated you dig an emotional grave for yourself which can chip away at the core of your self esteem. Even if you FEEL you can and will love unconditionally it's never wise to show that hand. Don't help someone test the boundaries. Keep that little secret to yourself.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 12:38 PM

      So you believe a couple can possibly love unconditionally?

  11. Nee

    09/04/2012 at 12:41 PM

    I'd say Love is unconditional, but relationships, marriages, and the like are not. The emotion "Love" can last a lifetime, however, the circumstances (relationships marriages, common law, ect.) are VERY conditional.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 5:01 PM

      I would agree with that 100%.

  12. Shaun

    09/04/2012 at 3:06 PM

    I didn't need to read this post as that has been my stance for years. I don't believe there is SUCH a thing as unconditional love period. Not even from God but I digress. Romantic relationships are based on conditional love and anyone who thinks otherwise is setting up themselves for a life time of heartbreak and resentment cause that will eventually come or forever alone.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 5:00 PM

      Why don't you believe in unconditional love?

      • Shaun

        09/04/2012 at 7:37 PM

        Read the Bible, ppl have been punished for not following God's orders, if that isn't conditional love, I don't know what is. Furthermore, for us to get to heaven we have to accept Jesus Christ as our one and true saviour or face hell. That is by far the most stringent condition placed on humans. And since God is the originator of love and his love is NOT unconditional, how can humans claim to love that way?

  13. Paul B.

    09/04/2012 at 3:12 PM

    The thing that people don't get is that there are different kinds of love and romantic love or eros is not unconditional love. It's this lack of an ability to recognize the various types of love that will have people looking for a kind of love that doesn't exist, such as unconditional romantic love. Ignorance kills.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      09/04/2012 at 5:02 PM

      It's also the same ignorance that leads to people asking their significant others if they love their mama more than them..

  14. Lilly

    09/04/2012 at 10:09 PM

    I have to admit even though I don't want to but I've always thought this way I mean I'm only 21 but this was really a wake up call for me.

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