5 Reasons Men WON’T EVEN TRY Relationship Counselling

Whenever I have some free time to myself at home to watch TV, I either play Madden 13 or watch TV series through my on-demand service like Dexter, Veep, Newsroom, Boardwalk Empire & Curb Your Enthusiasm. I reference this because I’m always the LAST to see Reality TV shows, missing all the drama and subsequent cultural references right as they happen ["What the F*^K is a Stevie J and who put paws on what?"]. So when my homegirl called me to cuss about Keyshia Cole’s husband Daniel “Boobie” Gibson refusing to go to relationship counselling, not only did I not know what the hell she was talking about, I was shocked that she was mad AND surprised that a man did NOT want to go to counselling. How is this even news to women?

Now I don’t know what excuse Boobie gave to Keyshia as to why he can’t go, but men have VERY strong feelings about attending ANY type of counselling, ESPECIALLY when it comes to their relationship. Our problem is that we NEVER fully express our true feelings about counselling in fear of looking like an uncaring-DOUCHEBAG, but I’m going to outline some of the more prevalent reasons men HATE the IDEA of counselling and will REJECT it even before giving it a chance.

1. The Sessions Aren’t Spoken In OUR Language

Ladies, whether you agree or not, men BELIEVE we are highly logical creatures. Even when we allow ourselves to be 100% emotional, it’s done so with a rationalization of logic behind it. Whether we speak English, French, Chinese or Portuguese, men believe OUR universal language is LOGIC – and when we look at women, we believe THEIR universal language is EMOTIONS. Any man who has been in a serious relationship will understand that some women can be so EMOTIONALLY REACTIVE, that they let their FEELINGS override logic. So when we look at counselling, we see an atmosphere inherently designed to acknowledge EMOTIONS, a.k.a. HER HOME FIELD. In fact, one of the important tenets of relationship counselling is:

“Providing a safe atmosphere for both parties to express their feelings”

Already men feel behind the 8-ball, because a lot of OUR TRUEST feelings are propagated as misogyny, while a woman’s feelings can tend to overpower HIS and that’s the LAST environment we feel we could be comfortable in sharing.

2. We Gonna Lose The Blame Game

In a man’s mind, there’s a part of counselling that will inevitably be a FIGHT and the counsellor will be the REF – probably a FEMALE ref, who will beat us with a book of Angela Davis Haiku’s the second we try to go-in on our women for the BS they do. It may be a man’s world – but that DOES NOT extend into ANY room a couple is professionally analyzing their relationship.

3. DEEP-Emotional Discovery Will Be DAMAGING

One thing that scares the sh*t out of men, is the idea that the counsellor is going to assist her in addressing some intense yet rational feelings or thoughts she has DEEP down inside. Feelings about him, the state of their relationship or even one important aspect of it that she was been repressing and ignoring for YEARS, and if that counsellor lets that BEAST out, the relationship will intrinsically change FOR EVER. As backwards as it sounds (and is), some men believe repression can HELP their relationship, but once she taps into it, she’s gonna start remembering the 433 reasons she USE to have about how she was TOO GOOD for his punk ass in the FIRST place.

4. We’re NOT “Real” Men

In our masculine minds, we believe we are ALL inherently problem-solvers and pleasing our woman is something that should come NATURAL. The idea that we need someone to guide us through OUR problems is like saying we need “Testicular Welfare” and that’s NOT hot in the streets to us. We believe we have the ability to FIX things, but the fact that we are acquiescing to counselling means we are TOO WEAK to actually fix it. It’s like driving a car that catches a flat on the side of the street while our ladies inside, and having to ask a stranger to fix it.

5. We Already KNOW What The Problem Is

Most men feel like PAYING someone to tell them what they already know is POINTLESS. As men we feel like we are in complete control of our emotional faculties and we know EXACTLY why our relationship has problems.

But here’s the reality, we really DON’T know our psyches as well as we THINK we do, and some of us DEFINITELY aren’t suited to address all of our problems with our spouse because we are simply TOO CLOSE to the issue. Do I think relationship counselling or even relationship therapy is a GOOD thing? I think it depends on each couple, but I will say THIS: Choosing NOT to go to a counsellor does NOT excuse you from addressing the serious problems in your relationship. So whether you’re on a couch talking to some dude for $75/hour or sitting on your OWN couch in your living room, you BETTER find a way to work things out.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

27 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    10/18/2012 at 3:04 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think Relationship Counselling Is A GOOD THING Or A POINTLESS Hustle?

    Do You Think Certain Communities [i.e. Black Community, Chinese, etc] Have Stigmatized Counselling To The Detriment Of Their People?

    • ChloeRayne516

      10/18/2012 at 10:39 AM

      Couseling is a great thing ONLY if both parties are willing participants. You can't force someone to go to counseling and expect them to open up, he or she has to be willing to do the work that counseling entails. If one party doesn't thing counseling is necessary then there is a slim chance of its sucess rate and YES there is a certain stigma among the Black and the italian communitiy as well that believe ."We Don't Air Out Our Dirty Laundry" we fix the problem ourselves with the help of family members.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        10/18/2012 at 11:54 AM

        Have You Ever Gone To Counselling? Can You Personally Recommend It?

  2. Piscean

    10/18/2012 at 5:46 AM

    I think ANY outlet where the two can sit with an un-biased mediator to facilitate a discussion addressing problems in a marriage/ long term relationships could be beneficial. Most of the points referencing as to why men don't want to go to counseling seem to have to do with the male ego. While that is not surprising to hear, I think the shock from your friend comes from the fact that Boobie doesn't want to TRY counselling when it could possibly save his relationship.
    If I was in a marriage and it was falling apart, I would try everything I could to save it and when the other partner doesn't want to put in the same effort, it goes to show that he's not willing to sacrifice some pride. It's almost as if he'd rather let the relationship fall apart. Maybe it's just me, but I believe in a marriage you both have an obligation to eachother to try every possibie outlet before calling it quits.

    • mena

      10/18/2012 at 10:49 AM

      A person will ego and pride themselves right out of a relationship with a good match simply b/c they are having problems and don't want to talk about them. Counseling can help.

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        10/18/2012 at 11:56 AM

        Have you ever done it?

        • mena

          10/18/2012 at 1:02 PM

          I have not. I do have two friends that go to counseling, one whose mother passed and the other whose husband passed (one is 30 the other is 33) and both are extremely happy that they go.

          I do know this–before I ALLOW myself to crash, i will seek help first. My mental health is extremely important to me.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            10/18/2012 at 2:07 PM

            Oh my bad, I just meant relationship counselling.

      • Piscean

        10/18/2012 at 5:26 PM

        i agree!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/18/2012 at 11:55 AM

      Do you think relationship counselling is mainly just for married people?

      • Piscean

        10/18/2012 at 3:04 PM

        I personally will not go to relationship counseling unless I'm married. If we are having that serious of a problem working things out in a relationship than we probably shouldn't be together in the first place. Love isn't always so complicated. However, if I'm married, I probably would have invested a lot more ( mortgage and kids) and on a spiritual level I would have made a vow to God that I will honor the relationship which would be fight for it. But I not gonna battle it alone. If he decides that counseling is too much of a blow to my ego, especially after we've tried other ways of working t out… Than it shows he isn't that concerned in losing me. He can let his pride comfort him when I'm out the door.

  3. 215Philly

    10/18/2012 at 5:59 AM

    Actually Keyshia & Boobie did a recent interview where they sad they ARE currently in marriage counseling.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/18/2012 at 11:57 AM

      Honestly I never asked my homegirl for a follow up because it takes a little too much strength for me to care about what happens in their lives, but thats good to hear tho.

  4. Smilez_920

    10/18/2012 at 9:10 AM

    I can see how a man would be scared to go to counseling . I mean most of us see the same image that Linc described above, a woman spilling her feelings out, a counselor that sides with her on everything , and both of them not taking the man opinion into account , or being overly offended by him stating his true feelings.

    Even with that though in mind , I still think as a man if your marriage or relationship is that important too you then you should go to counseling. I would even suggest that the man works with his woman to find a counselor that they both feel comfortable with instead of her finding one on her own.

    I don't watch the show but I think age plays a big part in this as well. Boobie is still pretty young.

    As far as community goes we do have this stigma about getting any type of counseling . ( not all of us but a lot of us )

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/18/2012 at 12:00 PM

      I think point #6, which I'm just thinking of now, is also that men feel OUR feelings are seen as less important that HER feelings, and that's why men hate opening up. We could sit there crying because we feel like she doesn't respect us anymore, and then she can counter with crying about how we don't give her compliments anymore, and we feel like her tears will outweigh ours.

      • Paul B.

        10/19/2012 at 7:54 AM

        Exactly. At times it can seem like what men think/feel doesn't matter and they should just be happy that they have somebody like the one they're with.

  5. Jem

    10/18/2012 at 11:30 AM

    I think that you are very right about how men think counselling will be-at first…I am a counsellor and a lot of times men will wait until it is court ordered (due to domestic violence) or they have hit rock bottom (ie.admission to hospital). But you would be very surprised to know that when men do come to counselling (in my personal experience) they have been some of the most expressive and motivated clients I have had (when by themselves and not couples counselling).

    I've noticed that with couples at first the wife will def talk more etc but it is the responsibility of the counsellor to try to see the husbands point of view as well. It's a learning experience for me as a woman- I have had to check myself at times because men and women do think differently but it is my responsibility to help the couple reach their mutual goals. I think counselling can be very useful if both people are committed 100%..but I'm bias lol

    About our community's stigma, it is a HUGE problem..mental health in our community goes untreated and gets ignored. People are dealing with detrimental issues all by themselves (sexual abuse, physical abuse child abuse is rampant) and its very sad that they feel stigmatized and feel like they can't reach out to anyone. We have some incredibly resilient people in our community but sometimes the ways in which they deal are very unhealthy.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/18/2012 at 12:01 PM

      So wait, you're saying as a relationship counsellor you've sometimes found yourself more apt to support and agree with the woman than the man?

      • Piscean

        10/18/2012 at 5:36 PM

        If I may interject lincoln…
        We have read countless posts about the fact that men have problems committing, constantly are on the look-out for new p*ssy and how it's just a known fact that it's easier to find a good girl than a man. Simply because most women are born as nurturers which make us great mothers, girlfriends, and wives.

        With that being said, in a marriage, I'm sure the majority of people who see counsellors probably do have the therapist side mainly with the wife because if good women are so easy to find, it's probably an issue on HIS part. Now do not go putting me in some feminist nazi category…let's be real here. There are frowzy ratchet street rat ho's everywhere…BUT when it comes to the downfall of the relationship, I'm sure you know the cases as mainly the man who probably cheats, stops doing what he used to do or just acted like an azz in general.

        So even if he/she has sided more with the wife, it's nto always due to being some biased reaction…it could be based on the fact that the wife happened to be right majority of the time.

        • mena

          10/18/2012 at 8:39 PM

          Meh…that entire easier to find a good woman than man is complete bs. Both genders have a ton of crappy people that you have to first weigh through before you can find someone you actually truly care about and who isn't full of shit. Women get away with the "nurture" aspect since we have vaginas, as if that makes us good wives out of the womb. So not true.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            10/19/2012 at 4:47 AM

            PREACH!!

          • Paul B.

            10/19/2012 at 7:59 AM

            Exactly!!!

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          10/19/2012 at 4:52 AM

          Sorry but this is BS.

          It's not easier to get a good girl than a good man, especially since both terms are incredibly relative (what constitutes good for you, may be different for me). Women are NOT naturally great ANYTHING – relationships take work, and the idea that nurturing makes women immediately perfect partners is highly fallacious.

          Relationship problems don't pop up because of people being frowsy hoes, it's just a failure to communicate and work out a problem effectively. We all have our imperfections, insecurities and emotional baggage which makes forming relationships difficult. The idea that one gender is inherently built to be BETTER at relationships than the other is exactly why men run for the hills when it comes to relationships and relationship counselling.

      • Jem

        10/18/2012 at 8:03 PM

        Sorry I took so long to reply. I don't "agree" or "disagree" with either partner, I facilitate conversation and help them towards their goals. It's not my responsibility to play God. What I referred to in my post above has happened once -that the male client felt that I was siding with his wife (not intentional of course but we are all human)..It may have been the way questions were phrased etc, so I reflected on that and approached him in a way that he found a lot more acceptable ( I asked him what would be more helpful..)- it actually turned out really well and his partner learned new things about him after many many years together.

        Most of the time though the perception of counselling is so much different than what it really is…and people that try it out may find that it's not that scary.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          10/19/2012 at 4:48 AM

          Thanks for clearing that up Jem. Sounds like you are great at what you do, so keep helping these frowsy couples see the light!

  6. paulb31

    10/19/2012 at 2:58 PM

    It depends. If you're the kind of person that can't handle the possibility that you may be wrong about something or the way you handle it, then counseling may not do any good. It's not always the other person's pride and ego that's in the way, sometimes it's yours. Some people want to go to counseling simply to hear their spouse is in the wrong, but isn't ready to hear that there is something they're doing wrong as well, especially when it's the woman who's being told that there is something she's doing that contributes to the problem. Quite a few times there's gender bias that enters into these counseling sessions, and that also undermines the effectiveness of it. If a man feels like he's not being heard and understood at home, there's no reason for him to go to a counseling session and feel like it there too, especially if he has to pay for it or is expected to pay for it. It's easy to say it's the man's fault for everything wrong, that goes without saying, but it doesn't mean that's always the truth though.

  7. Pingback: Reasons Men Won't Even Try Relationship Counseling - Counseling Wise

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