5 Reasons Men WON’T EVEN TRY Relationship Counselling

Whenever I have some free time to myself at home to watch TV, I either play Madden 13 or watch TV series through my on-demand service like Dexter, Veep, Newsroom, Boardwalk Empire & Curb Your Enthusiasm. I reference this because I’m always the LAST to see Reality TV shows, missing all the drama and subsequent cultural references right as they happen [“What the F*^K is a Stevie J and who put paws on what?”]. So when my homegirl called me to cuss about Keyshia Cole’s husband Daniel “Boobie” Gibson refusing to go to relationship counselling, not only did I not know what the hell she was talking about, I was shocked that she was mad AND surprised that a man did NOT want to go to counselling. How is this even news to women?

Now I don’t know what excuse Boobie gave to Keyshia as to why he can’t go, but men have VERY strong feelings about attending ANY type of counselling, ESPECIALLY when it comes to their relationship. Our problem is that we NEVER fully express our true feelings about counselling in fear of looking like an uncaring-DOUCHEBAG, but I’m going to outline some of the more prevalent reasons men HATE the IDEA of counselling and will REJECT it even before giving it a chance.

1. The Sessions Aren’t Spoken In OUR Language

Ladies, whether you agree or not, men BELIEVE we are highly logical creatures. Even when we allow ourselves to be 100% emotional, it’s done so with a rationalization of logic behind it. Whether we speak English, French, Chinese or Portuguese, men believe OUR universal language is LOGIC – and when we look at women, we believe THEIR universal language is EMOTIONS. Any man who has been in a serious relationship will understand that some women can be so EMOTIONALLY REACTIVE, that they let their FEELINGS override logic. So when we look at counselling, we see an atmosphere inherently designed to acknowledge EMOTIONS, a.k.a. HER HOME FIELD. In fact, one of the important tenets of relationship counselling is:

“Providing a safe atmosphere for both parties to express their feelings”

Already men feel behind the 8-ball, because a lot of OUR TRUEST feelings are propagated as misogyny, while a woman’s feelings can tend to overpower HIS and that’s the LAST environment we feel we could be comfortable in sharing.

2. We Gonna Lose The Blame Game

In a man’s mind, there’s a part of counselling that will inevitably be a FIGHT and the counsellor will be the REF – probably a FEMALE ref, who will beat us with a book of Angela Davis Haiku’s the second we try to go-in on our women for the BS they do. It may be a man’s world – but that DOES NOT extend into ANY room a couple is professionally analyzing their relationship.

3. DEEP-Emotional Discovery Will Be DAMAGING

One thing that scares the sh*t out of men, is the idea that the counsellor is going to assist her in addressing some intense yet rational feelings or thoughts she has DEEP down inside. Feelings about him, the state of their relationship or even one important aspect of it that she was been repressing and ignoring for YEARS, and if that counsellor lets that BEAST out, the relationship will intrinsically change FOR EVER. As backwards as it sounds (and is), some men believe repression can HELP their relationship, but once she taps into it, she’s gonna start remembering the 433 reasons she USE to have about how she was TOO GOOD for his punk ass in the FIRST place.

4. We’re NOT “Real” Men

In our masculine minds, we believe we are ALL inherently problem-solvers and pleasing our woman is something that should come NATURAL. The idea that we need someone to guide us through OUR problems is like saying we need “Testicular Welfare” and that’s NOT hot in the streets to us. We believe we have the ability to FIX things, but the fact that we are acquiescing to counselling means we are TOO WEAK to actually fix it. It’s like driving a car that catches a flat on the side of the street while our ladies inside, and having to ask a stranger to fix it.

5. We Already KNOW What The Problem Is

Most men feel like PAYING someone to tell them what they already know is POINTLESS. As men we feel like we are in complete control of our emotional faculties and we know EXACTLY why our relationship has problems.

But here’s the reality, we really DON’T know our psyches as well as we THINK we do, and some of us DEFINITELY aren’t suited to address all of our problems with our spouse because we are simply TOO CLOSE to the issue. Do I think relationship counselling or even relationship therapy is a GOOD thing? I think it depends on each couple, but I will say THIS: Choosing NOT to go to a counsellor does NOT excuse you from addressing the serious problems in your relationship. So whether you’re on a couch talking to some dude for $75/hour or sitting on your OWN couch in your living room, you BETTER find a way to work things out.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

27 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    10/18/2012 at 3:04 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Think Relationship Counselling Is A GOOD THING Or A POINTLESS Hustle?

    Do You Think Certain Communities [i.e. Black Community, Chinese, etc] Have Stigmatized Counselling To The Detriment Of Their People?

  2. Piscean

    10/18/2012 at 5:46 AM

    I think ANY outlet where the two can sit with an un-biased mediator to facilitate a discussion addressing problems in a marriage/ long term relationships could be beneficial. Most of the points referencing as to why men don't want to go to counseling seem to have to do with the male ego. While that is not surprising to hear, I think the shock from your friend comes from the fact that Boobie doesn't want to TRY counselling when it could possibly save his relationship.
    If I was in a marriage and it was falling apart, I would try everything I could to save it and when the other partner doesn't want to put in the same effort, it goes to show that he's not willing to sacrifice some pride. It's almost as if he'd rather let the relationship fall apart. Maybe it's just me, but I believe in a marriage you both have an obligation to eachother to try every possibie outlet before calling it quits.

  3. 215Philly

    10/18/2012 at 5:59 AM

    Actually Keyshia & Boobie did a recent interview where they sad they ARE currently in marriage counseling.

  4. Smilez_920

    10/18/2012 at 9:10 AM

    I can see how a man would be scared to go to counseling . I mean most of us see the same image that Linc described above, a woman spilling her feelings out, a counselor that sides with her on everything , and both of them not taking the man opinion into account , or being overly offended by him stating his true feelings.

    Even with that though in mind , I still think as a man if your marriage or relationship is that important too you then you should go to counseling. I would even suggest that the man works with his woman to find a counselor that they both feel comfortable with instead of her finding one on her own.

    I don't watch the show but I think age plays a big part in this as well. Boobie is still pretty young.

    As far as community goes we do have this stigma about getting any type of counseling . ( not all of us but a lot of us )

  5. Jem

    10/18/2012 at 11:30 AM

    I think that you are very right about how men think counselling will be-at first…I am a counsellor and a lot of times men will wait until it is court ordered (due to domestic violence) or they have hit rock bottom (ie.admission to hospital). But you would be very surprised to know that when men do come to counselling (in my personal experience) they have been some of the most expressive and motivated clients I have had (when by themselves and not couples counselling).

    I've noticed that with couples at first the wife will def talk more etc but it is the responsibility of the counsellor to try to see the husbands point of view as well. It's a learning experience for me as a woman- I have had to check myself at times because men and women do think differently but it is my responsibility to help the couple reach their mutual goals. I think counselling can be very useful if both people are committed 100%..but I'm bias lol

    About our community's stigma, it is a HUGE problem..mental health in our community goes untreated and gets ignored. People are dealing with detrimental issues all by themselves (sexual abuse, physical abuse child abuse is rampant) and its very sad that they feel stigmatized and feel like they can't reach out to anyone. We have some incredibly resilient people in our community but sometimes the ways in which they deal are very unhealthy.

  6. paulb31

    10/19/2012 at 2:58 PM

    It depends. If you're the kind of person that can't handle the possibility that you may be wrong about something or the way you handle it, then counseling may not do any good. It's not always the other person's pride and ego that's in the way, sometimes it's yours. Some people want to go to counseling simply to hear their spouse is in the wrong, but isn't ready to hear that there is something they're doing wrong as well, especially when it's the woman who's being told that there is something she's doing that contributes to the problem. Quite a few times there's gender bias that enters into these counseling sessions, and that also undermines the effectiveness of it. If a man feels like he's not being heard and understood at home, there's no reason for him to go to a counseling session and feel like it there too, especially if he has to pay for it or is expected to pay for it. It's easy to say it's the man's fault for everything wrong, that goes without saying, but it doesn't mean that's always the truth though.

  7. Pingback: Reasons Men Won't Even Try Relationship Counseling - Counseling Wise

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