LOVE Is NOT A Magical Occurrence -It’s Merely A CHOICE

The romanticized concept of LOVE being a happenstance, random, out-of-the-blue incidence is arguably one of the most psychologically damaging ideologies to ever happen to us as human beings. The reason so many people are so hateful, angry, distrustful and resentful is because they have not received a splash of the magical fairy dust that makes them Love – when the power to LOVE is only within themselves.

I remember being in an African-American Studies class in University discussing Malcolm X and a young Black girl stood up in front of the class and said that she could not agree or understand Malcolm’s separatist views on Blacks and Whites because “what if he fell in love with a White woman? How could he maintain his anger towards them then.” Being the disruptive, smart-a*s that I was, I then stood up in front of the class and made what became the controversial statement of the day: “Malcolm X would NEVER fall in love with a white woman, because he simply would choose NOT to.”

This obviously created an uproar amongst the students in the class, who accused me of everything from heresy to blasphemy for believing that humans actually CONTROL love. Well just as I did not back down from that point then, I will continue to reiterate that point now: Love is NOT just something that happens out of thin-air that you have no control over, whether you like it or not; Love is the positive result that occurs after one has chosen to open their hearts to loving someone.

The reason I stated like it or not, is because you have two types of people who are slaves to the concept of Love being a magical, uncontrollable, unknowable entity: The ones who wait for Love to bless them and therefore act as if they have no personal responsibility to act in a loving manner and the ones who curse love because it hasn’t “found” them yet.

If you are waiting around ‘hoping’ that Love finds you, but not making any steps to meet it halfway, I guarantee you will die sad and lonely, because even if you WANT Love with all your heart, it just doesn’t magically happen. To love another human being is a tireless and sometimes thankless undertaking, but most of all Love requires you to lose yourself in it’s infinite possibilities just to be able to experience it. It’s great that you can admit you WANT it, but Love is blind, and it will NEVER just randomly see you.

If you are bitter, sour and have a frowsy-a*s attitude because you’ve never been in Love before and believe it doesn’t exist, let me assure you it most definitely DOES. Your own personal frumpiness is preventing you from seeing how often it occurs all around you and your problem with Love stems not from the fact that some chubby Chris-Farley looking baby in a Miss America sash hasn’t struck you with it’s non-lethal bow and arrow of sensuality, your problem stems with nobody but yourself. People like this are hilarious, because they reject love and inherently choose to NOT engage in Love and then use the fact that it didn’t happen as proof it doesn’t exist. That is absolutely STUPID. How can you choose to NOT go on a diet and then think that allows you to use your weight gain as proof that dieting doesn’t help? OBVIOUSLY if you choose to do the opposite you will get that exact same result.

You want to fall in Love? You want PROOF that Love even exists? Well it starts with your mindset and approach to it, and if you are not in the right frame of mind to experience it, then you will NEVER know love. But do us all a favour and stop blaming Cupid, when the only reason you haven’t ever experienced it, is because you haven’t CHOSEN to yet.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. DatchikMalix

    09/14/2010 at 8:53 AM


    if this aint the truth i dunno what is!!!!!

    to love someone you have to be able to love yourself first! when you love yourself…and i mean REALLY love yourself…you give off +++ vibes, which attracks LOVE :)

    great post Linc!!!!! i think this is my fave!<3

    • Independent Woman

      09/14/2010 at 1:10 PM

      Loving someone means loving yourself first! Another thing I think I've typed before that you hated you.

      Just saying.

      • DatchikMalix

        09/14/2010 at 1:14 PM

        impossible!!!!! i am an advocate to love yourself first!!!!!!


  2. Douglas Mansell

    09/14/2010 at 11:04 AM

    Ummm i agree to an extent. I know for a fact that you have to CHOOSE to LOVE because love is UNCONDITIONAL. To be intertwined with someone UNCONDITIONALLY is by choice only. I do also believe you cannot control who you FALL for. There are some people that you will have an instant snap shot chemistry that you just cannot get with anyone else. So maybe that is what these miserable people are waiting for.. *shrugs*

    Douglas Mansell

    • ATLienSince82

      09/14/2010 at 11:24 AM

      Man i hear you on that…sometimes I look back on women I dated and I have no damn clue what the hell I was thinking, but at the time I was totally digging them

      • A Grown Ass Man

        09/14/2010 at 11:54 AM

        On the flip side though, we can make ourselves not care for people who we should care about, which makes me wonder if we really can't choose who we fall for.

        Sometimes we choose to treat loved ones so bad and then regret it after the fact and want them back. That kind of eliminates the idea of infatuation being out of our control.

  3. luci7

    09/14/2010 at 12:02 PM

    Will take this advice and run with it. :)

  4. luci7

    09/14/2010 at 12:36 PM

    Will take this advice and run with it. Serious reality check :)

  5. Tenn

    09/14/2010 at 12:39 PM

    Love is a choice AND sometimes love JUST happens. I agree that in order to know love & feel love we must be open to it. But to say we always control the love that comes into our lives is not true. The only thing we can control about love, is the choice to recieve it.

    • The_Mad_HATER

      09/14/2010 at 12:57 PM

      girl please! love never just happens!! how the hell you just wind up in love against your will! you can be love-raped??

    • A Grown Ass Man

      09/14/2010 at 1:05 PM

      Interesting theory. In what situation do you believe in just happens?

      (Not trying to be argumentative, because I might agree, but just to clarify)

  6. Tenn

    09/14/2010 at 4:23 PM

    This is hard to explain but I will still try.

    When I speak of Love just happening it is being in a loving relationship with someone. Not everything is in our control and to say we can control the love that comes to us is absurd. Relationships develop weather it is through friendship or an instant connection. Have you ever loved a person you didn't want to love, because they were no good for you? Try and shut those feelings off, you can ignore and distance yourself, but not choose to stop it. Love is given regardless if you choose to receive it.

    • A Grown Ass Man

      09/14/2010 at 5:34 PM

      I understand where you are coming from, but it sounds like you are speaking more of the internal conflict between the heart and the brain, as opposed to letting love in your life altogether. I don't think it's truly possible to love against your will, but I can see how one can love with their heart against their mind's better judgment.

  7. The_Mad_HATER

    09/14/2010 at 5:28 PM

    Have you ever loved a person you didn't want to love, because they were no good for you? Try and shut those feelings off, you can ignore and distance yourself, but not choose to stop it.

    Um, no!

  8. Shaun

    09/14/2010 at 5:28 PM

    I think we can't control our initial reaction to another person but we do make the decision to take it further, to open up ourselves to the possibilities. And sometimes we meet ppl that we may not have seen as a potential partner but as time passes we realise this that we can love this person. So yes love is a choice and we need to choose wisely that is our downfall, the ppl we let receive our love.

    • A Grown Ass Man

      09/14/2010 at 5:32 PM

      My sentiments exactly.

  9. Blk Beauty

    09/16/2010 at 4:05 PM

    Eye opening to say the least… If I didn't place myself in the situation for it to happen… then it wouldn't have happened.


    • Queen Erudite

      09/16/2010 at 4:42 PM

      Couldn't agree more.

  10. Finding Love

    10/08/2012 at 9:22 AM

    This post is awesome and strikingly beautiful. That I can experience and enjoy love. It's waiting for ME…right around the corner! How exciting! :)

    • Aileen

      05/21/2014 at 7:33 AM

      Super inrfimatove writing; keep it up.

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