Our SOCIETY Is The WORST Thing To Happen To Our Pursuit Of TRUE LOVE

As I stated on my radio show last night, I was having a debate on Twitter on whether or not Monogamy is a Myth [the name of the upcoming Battle Of The Sexes event I will be participating in] and a young lady responded how she HATES hearing dudes blame NATURE for monogamy being a damn-near impossible thing to have. These dudes essentially state that monogamy is unnatural because we as men are scientifically programmed to spread our seeds all over the globe in as much nani as possible, therefore making the social-construct of a committed relationship an unnatural and inorganic experience. She believes that’s a complete bullish*t COP-OUT and while I’m inclined to agree with her, the one part where she is being short-sighted is not realizing how MUCH society NEGATIVELY affects our CHANCE at finding true love.

It is my belief that our restrictive, narrow-minded and heteronormative modern-western civilization is the LARGEST hindrance to human beings pursuit of TRUE love. As I sit back and think about my own life, I sometimes realize that I could EASILY be married with children right now – if we lived in a society that wasn’t so socially-restrictive when it comes to choosing a partner to be with. Now I’m NOT stating that society FORCES us to choose who we love and marry, but society DEFINITELY influences who we feel comfortable choosing, and THAT’S enough to make us run FROM the person who may bring us the most happiness.

I have seriously dated 2 women I could easily have married and created a great life with. We connected physically, mentally and emotionally, supported each other through our ups and downs, and loved each other down to our cores. But if you ask me why did NEITHER of those relationships work out, it always comes down to EXTERNAL pressure that creates INTERNAL problems. We live in a society where we are told to create so much different standards for the person we love, that it becomes almost a completely LUCKY endeavour to find someone who MATCHES the ACCEPTABLE traits you are SUPPOSE to want, while also fitting in the right CATEGORY for what you are SUPPOSE to NEED. The media, the blogosphere, your friends, your family, and society at large LOVE to tell you how YOU can tell if someone is wife/husband material [I’m guilty of this too], what you NEED to avoid and what you’re SUPPOSE to settle down with, and because these people don’t know what’s in YOUR heart, they set you down a path of chasing love that may be the FURTHEST thing from what’s BEST for YOU.

And then when you add in the fact that our societies inherent prejudice keeps us from even INTERACTING with each other en masse, that adds an entirely new and more restrictive variable to the conversation. Maybe being married isn’t for YOU. Maybe marrying someone from the same race, culture, religion, country or gender is not for YOU. Maybe finding someone with equal education, a high salary and other socially-propagated “marriage-material traits” are NOT for YOU. With so many things standing in the way of love, the best thing you can do is know WHEN to disconnect from giving a DAMN about what everyone else THINKS and simply love HOW and WHO you feel is best for YOU.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    10/10/2012 at 5:11 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe Society Restricts Us From FInding Love?

  2. Barkley

    10/10/2012 at 5:33 AM

    preach amen!

  3. petersburgh

    10/10/2012 at 6:09 AM

    Co-Sign and society can be defined generally or in specific sub groups.

  4. longtimelurker

    10/10/2012 at 7:34 AM

    it always comes down to EXTERNAL pressure that creates INTERNAL problems.

    Sadly, in my younger days I let that external pressure steer me away from the "love of my life" only to marry someone who was more socially acceptable but a far worst match. :(

  5. Smilez_920

    10/10/2012 at 7:39 AM

    Omg me and the guy I'm dating now were having a similar conversation . He said society always has to define something for no reason. " he said why does monogamy have to be defined ". But anyway

    Yes. I can agree that society and our own personal insecurities about how ppl will view and judge our relationships stops us from finding love that is meant for us as individuals. ( monogamous and non monogamous ). ( side note I hate when ppl try to completely blame monogamy for the reason why relationships fail/ etc… Like yes monogamy isn't for everyone but I don't think that because its not for everyone that it is a flawed system, same with marriage)

    Now as far as what the caller said on the radio show. I can 100 % agree with what she said about the " monogamy isn't natural" line is some bs. Listen men aren't having sex now a days to just procreate. Some men dont even want kids.

    Some men always want to use the " lion pride excuse". That a male lion has sex with many female lions in his pride ". As we evolve as humans we do a lot of things that aren't natural . A human shouldn't be able to fly in the sky like a bird , but what did we do , create air planes, humans have emotion, logic , guilt , humans read write etc… We do a lot of ish that ain't natural .

    As far as polygamy goes. Men always refer back to the biblical days . Yes Solomen had many wives, but Solomen was also a king. He had many wives to show his wealth and so those many wives could give him kids ( preferably sons) to pass his kingdom down too. Polygamy and even marriage wasn't so much about love and compatability , and certain needs and wants like it is now. It was about survival.

    Also a lot of men talk a good game but wouldn't want their women to have many husbands . Yes there are some men in open relationships , but to me the majority of men who use the " monogamy isn't natural line" really mean 2 way equal monogamy isn't fulfilling for them. They need to be able to step out but want the women they deal with to be monogamous with them.

    But whatever makes you happy, just don't force yourself to do anything that make you uncomfortable just to have a piece of someone.

  6. mena

    10/10/2012 at 7:57 AM

    My close friend's parents were married when it was illegal for them to be together in the south (she is black and his dad is white). Now that was restrictive. The law literally wouldn't allow for them to be together and yet, they still made a choice to be with one another.

    Our generation is weak as hell. We don't know true struggle and true restriction especially when it comes to love and marriage. We restrict ourselves bc we are insecure and embarrassed. Don't blame this on society. We live in a time that is more accepting of interracial marriages, interfaith marriages, same sex marriages, etc. the problem with our generation is that we are entitled jerks that want it how we want it and when we want it. "I'll find love as soon as I am done with this phd", "I'll find love as soon as I make 100k a year," as soon as, as soon as…

    I know exactly why I am single and it has nothing to do with society and EVERYTHING to do with my own personal choices.

    Entitlement, blaming, and insecurities restricts us from finding love.

  7. Piscean

    10/10/2012 at 12:18 PM

    One can undo socialization by simply making a choice. When you decide to commit to someone you are making a choice to honor and commit to that person. Whatever else comes your way and how you deal with that circumstance is entirely up to you.
    We don't HAVE to correspond with one another via text. We don't HAVE to screw every single sexy option hat pops up on our " Facebook" friends list. These are temptations and choices that are now so frequently given to us which in turn makes our choices cowardly and fearful.
    The effort in courting is no longer available and the option of slamming that new hottie from the gym who just added you in your social network profile has now become easily more accessible.
    I don't think we can blame society for changing but we have to blame humans for giving social networks/ technology so much power in how we interact with eachother.

  8. mena

    10/10/2012 at 1:28 PM

    "One can undo socialization by simply making a choice." Exactly. We aren't 5 year old kids running around. We make the decision on what we will and won't do.

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