Our SOCIETY Is The WORST Thing To Happen To Our Pursuit Of TRUE LOVE

As I stated on my radio show last night, I was having a debate on Twitter on whether or not Monogamy is a Myth [the name of the upcoming Battle Of The Sexes event I will be participating in] and a young lady responded how she HATES hearing dudes blame NATURE for monogamy being a damn-near impossible thing to have. These dudes essentially state that monogamy is unnatural because we as men are scientifically programmed to spread our seeds all over the globe in as much nani as possible, therefore making the social-construct of a committed relationship an unnatural and inorganic experience. She believes that’s a complete bullish*t COP-OUT and while I’m inclined to agree with her, the one part where she is being short-sighted is not realizing how MUCH society NEGATIVELY affects our CHANCE at finding true love.

It is my belief that our restrictive, narrow-minded and heteronormative modern-western civilization is the LARGEST hindrance to human beings pursuit of TRUE love. As I sit back and think about my own life, I sometimes realize that I could EASILY be married with children right now – if we lived in a society that wasn’t so socially-restrictive when it comes to choosing a partner to be with. Now I’m NOT stating that society FORCES us to choose who we love and marry, but society DEFINITELY influences who we feel comfortable choosing, and THAT’S enough to make us run FROM the person who may bring us the most happiness.

I have seriously dated 2 women I could easily have married and created a great life with. We connected physically, mentally and emotionally, supported each other through our ups and downs, and loved each other down to our cores. But if you ask me why did NEITHER of those relationships work out, it always comes down to EXTERNAL pressure that creates INTERNAL problems. We live in a society where we are told to create so much different standards for the person we love, that it becomes almost a completely LUCKY endeavour to find someone who MATCHES the ACCEPTABLE traits you are SUPPOSE to want, while also fitting in the right CATEGORY for what you are SUPPOSE to NEED. The media, the blogosphere, your friends, your family, and society at large LOVE to tell you how YOU can tell if someone is wife/husband material [I'm guilty of this too], what you NEED to avoid and what you’re SUPPOSE to settle down with, and because these people don’t know what’s in YOUR heart, they set you down a path of chasing love that may be the FURTHEST thing from what’s BEST for YOU.

And then when you add in the fact that our societies inherent prejudice keeps us from even INTERACTING with each other en masse, that adds an entirely new and more restrictive variable to the conversation. Maybe being married isn’t for YOU. Maybe marrying someone from the same race, culture, religion, country or gender is not for YOU. Maybe finding someone with equal education, a high salary and other socially-propagated “marriage-material traits” are NOT for YOU.¬†With so many things standing in the way of love, the best thing you can do is know WHEN to disconnect from giving a DAMN about what everyone else THINKS and simply love HOW and WHO you feel is best for YOU.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

29 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    10/10/2012 at 5:11 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe Society Restricts Us From FInding Love?

  2. Barkley

    10/10/2012 at 5:33 AM

    preach amen!

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/10/2012 at 8:29 AM

      Thanks Barkley

  3. petersburgh

    10/10/2012 at 6:09 AM

    Co-Sign and society can be defined generally or in specific sub groups.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/10/2012 at 8:30 AM

      Agreed!

  4. longtimelurker

    10/10/2012 at 7:34 AM

    it always comes down to EXTERNAL pressure that creates INTERNAL problems.
    ^^TRUTH

    Sadly, in my younger days I let that external pressure steer me away from the "love of my life" only to marry someone who was more socially acceptable but a far worst match. :(

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/10/2012 at 8:31 AM

      I'm really sorry to hear that. Although I lost the loves in my life, I was stay optimistic that a better love is around the corner, and maybe that's true for you too.

  5. Smilez_920

    10/10/2012 at 7:39 AM

    Omg me and the guy I'm dating now were having a similar conversation . He said society always has to define something for no reason. " he said why does monogamy have to be defined ". But anyway

    Yes. I can agree that society and our own personal insecurities about how ppl will view and judge our relationships stops us from finding love that is meant for us as individuals. ( monogamous and non monogamous ). ( side note I hate when ppl try to completely blame monogamy for the reason why relationships fail/ etc… Like yes monogamy isn't for everyone but I don't think that because its not for everyone that it is a flawed system, same with marriage)

    Now as far as what the caller said on the radio show. I can 100 % agree with what she said about the " monogamy isn't natural" line is some bs. Listen men aren't having sex now a days to just procreate. Some men dont even want kids.

    Some men always want to use the " lion pride excuse". That a male lion has sex with many female lions in his pride ". As we evolve as humans we do a lot of things that aren't natural . A human shouldn't be able to fly in the sky like a bird , but what did we do , create air planes, humans have emotion, logic , guilt , humans read write etc… We do a lot of ish that ain't natural .

    As far as polygamy goes. Men always refer back to the biblical days . Yes Solomen had many wives, but Solomen was also a king. He had many wives to show his wealth and so those many wives could give him kids ( preferably sons) to pass his kingdom down too. Polygamy and even marriage wasn't so much about love and compatability , and certain needs and wants like it is now. It was about survival.

    Also a lot of men talk a good game but wouldn't want their women to have many husbands . Yes there are some men in open relationships , but to me the majority of men who use the " monogamy isn't natural line" really mean 2 way equal monogamy isn't fulfilling for them. They need to be able to step out but want the women they deal with to be monogamous with them.

    But whatever makes you happy, just don't force yourself to do anything that make you uncomfortable just to have a piece of someone.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/10/2012 at 8:35 AM

      But that argument isn't COMPLETE BS, because there are small portions of it that are very logical. For example, one reason why I tell men to ONLY commit to women they see themselves marrying is because I feel too many men are pressured into monogamy by our society BEFORE they are willing to commit, simply because "playing the field" is seen as a DOUCHEBAG move.

      Hell, you got "relationship experts" out here telling men that after a certain age they are just SUPPOSE TO WANT TO BE exclusive with one woman. What kind of bullshit is that?

      I agree that men who use the lion pride excuse are doing so as a cop-out, but women need to stop acting like we are all hardwired for long-term monogamy from a young age and any man who doesn't conform to that lifestyle is an asshole.

      • Smilez_920

        10/10/2012 at 9:47 AM

        It's not the playing the field is the dough bag Move. It's the fact that while playing the field men want all the women that their playing with to love them up and give them the kind of love and dedication , and time and attention that you give to someone who you are committed to.

        Listen I encourage women to play the field . Don't rush to commit your time and dedication to just any man especially one who is not willing to return it. The thing is when some ppl play the field they fail to inform the other players of the rules and regulations.

        For example if your dating two women, lets say both of them you decide you can't see your self marrying but for now you really enjoy their company. Would you inform these women that they have not made the cut for you or would you " just keep them as an extra player on the field" until you find that women you want to invest in.

        My previous comment was more geared towards monogamy in serious relationships ( that could lead to marrige) not so much in the context u just mentioned .

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          10/10/2012 at 10:37 AM

          I think the only douchebag move a man can make is lying. But if he's honest and she agrees to the terms he offers, it is what it is at that point.

          I also hate the term "serious relationship" because of the connotations it holds, but I think completely ignoring what a man's nature is, or even aligning it with a woman's starts to border on anti-scientific thought.

          • Smilez_920

            10/10/2012 at 11:47 AM

            I think we're both suing the sme thing in your first paragraph lying = douch.

            The thing is some men will use the nature , explanation but don't realize that they have already used choice ( free will) over nature . I mean most aren't sleeping with women they want to have kids with. If anything most men spend most of their sex life trying to avoid kids . If men are going by nature then thy should just be having sex to procreate.

            Why don't toylike the connotation behind serious relationship . Isn't seroius and committed interchangeable .

    • mena

      10/10/2012 at 9:36 AM

      That's bc our society caters to men's sexual needs and never to the woman and bc men are "supposed" to be a certain way and women another, men get away with bs when it comes to sex and relationships. It's ok for them to stray, play the field, and sleep with dozens of women bc that's what they are "programmed" to do.

      Take threesomes for example. It's "normal" for men to want one and not too many feel any difference by asking their girl to do one. Now let their woman bring up a threesome and she says she wants one with two dudes and she is labeled a whore and not wife material.

      Bottom line, this crap is a cop out. Just like you said, yes we are all animals but God gave us a brain to use which makes us significantly different from any other species on this planet.

      • NurseJilly

        10/10/2012 at 11:01 AM

        Well said Mena!!

    • Mike

      10/10/2012 at 1:11 PM

      "Solomon"

  6. mena

    10/10/2012 at 7:57 AM

    My close friend's parents were married when it was illegal for them to be together in the south (she is black and his dad is white). Now that was restrictive. The law literally wouldn't allow for them to be together and yet, they still made a choice to be with one another.

    Our generation is weak as hell. We don't know true struggle and true restriction especially when it comes to love and marriage. We restrict ourselves bc we are insecure and embarrassed. Don't blame this on society. We live in a time that is more accepting of interracial marriages, interfaith marriages, same sex marriages, etc. the problem with our generation is that we are entitled jerks that want it how we want it and when we want it. "I'll find love as soon as I am done with this phd", "I'll find love as soon as I make 100k a year," as soon as, as soon as…

    I know exactly why I am single and it has nothing to do with society and EVERYTHING to do with my own personal choices.

    Entitlement, blaming, and insecurities restricts us from finding love.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      10/10/2012 at 8:38 AM

      Why must both reasons be mutually exclusive tho?

      I think we are selfish and entitled in some aspects, but we are socialized from a young age to accept and reject potential love interests on a variety of different variables and not everyone can break through that deep-seeded psychosis.

      • mena

        10/10/2012 at 9:30 AM

        We all can and its called personal choice. No matter what we are supposed to conform to, at the end of the day, we make the decisions that direct our lives. No one else does that for us.

        To much gets blamed on society and not much gets blamed on a person's decisions.

        • lincolnanthonyblades

          10/10/2012 at 10:31 AM

          But how does one undo socialization? There are things you believe deep in your mind that are not organic creations of your conscious, but just how YOU choose to conform to society.

          We are all marked by the desire to conform on SOME level and that's a product of socialization.

          • mena

            10/10/2012 at 1:29 PM

            By choosing to do so Lincoln. It really is that simple.

          • lincolnanthonyblades

            10/11/2012 at 1:58 AM

            Question: How do you answer a question that's never been asked?

          • mena

            10/11/2012 at 2:30 AM

            With regards to socialization/conforming? I think that people who are trying to better themeselves and understand why they do or don't like certain things do ask these questions of themselves.

            I celebrated my birthday 2 weekends ago and one of my friends who attended my birthday dinner told me "never before did I think I would be eating dinner with a gay Jew with a southern drawl AND an evangelical conservative Christian at the same time." I just laughed bc this isn't the first time I've been told this.

            Granted, none of this makes me unique in any way but what it does make me is someone who recognizes that just because society may try to restrict who I should have relationships with, doesn't mean I have to follow. And I haven't followed and that has caused me social problems with people that share my same complexion. In the same token, it has also opened me up to different relationships that may not be acceptable, but make me happy and enrich my own life.

            Maybe bc I was that kid that never fully fit in with my own racial group has allowed me to not believe your post.

            All that we can control are our decisions and not other people's reactions.

    • bellatrice1

      10/10/2012 at 7:56 PM

      @mena makes a great argument. My first inclination would be to blame society for getting in the way of true love. I actually see both arguments, mena's and lincoln's, but I think as an adult, mena's argument is much more plausible.

      Sure, when we are children, we are raised to believe certain things, act a certain way, want certain things, but when we grow older, we either "decide" to adhere to those teachings or stray away from them. This is even with regards to religion, which is one of the most powerful social constructs in existence. If people can ultimately decide they don't want to worship the way they were raised to worship, then determining whether you will marry a white woman even though you were raised to think white people are devils is a simple decision. You will choose to do what you ultimately WANT to do.

      Sure, going one route may be easier than another, but only weak-minded people allow society and the media to tell them what they should like, how they should act, and who they should find attractive.

    • Kelly Manchester

      10/11/2012 at 1:12 AM

      I very much agree. Unless I'm misunderstanding the point of this blog post, I don't think society has anything to do with why two people who connect and love each other can't get married or be together.

      Now I do think there are outward forces that influence who we are initially attracted to (the brainwashing that causes black people to favor lighter skin, for example) or which people we allow into our circles, but I don't think that in this day and age people can blame society for why they can't be with someone they care about.

      If you break up with someone, it would be pretty lame if it occurs because you are listening to friends that say that she/he isn't enough, if you feel that they are.

  7. Piscean

    10/10/2012 at 12:18 PM

    One can undo socialization by simply making a choice. When you decide to commit to someone you are making a choice to honor and commit to that person. Whatever else comes your way and how you deal with that circumstance is entirely up to you.
    We don't HAVE to correspond with one another via text. We don't HAVE to screw every single sexy option hat pops up on our " Facebook" friends list. These are temptations and choices that are now so frequently given to us which in turn makes our choices cowardly and fearful.
    The effort in courting is no longer available and the option of slamming that new hottie from the gym who just added you in your social network profile has now become easily more accessible.
    I don't think we can blame society for changing but we have to blame humans for giving social networks/ technology so much power in how we interact with eachother.

  8. mena

    10/10/2012 at 1:28 PM

    "One can undo socialization by simply making a choice." Exactly. We aren't 5 year old kids running around. We make the decision on what we will and won't do.

    • Piscean

      10/10/2012 at 3:11 PM

      Co-sign!!!

    • lola289

      10/10/2012 at 3:12 PM

      Peter Pan complex.
      The "Wendys" of the world should look past Peter Pan and get out of Never Never Land.

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