Truthfully, What Man Would REALLY Want A DEPENDENT Woman?!

I recently saw this video of Tyrese that actually pissed me off a lot, and even though it’s apparently very old [almost a year] it made me want to hurl a brick through the passenger side window of his new car. For those of you who HAVEN’T seen it, here it is:

Ladies, please know that Tyrese does NOT speak for all men – especially those of us with common sense.

To begin, there are literally two types of women out here in these streets [actually two types of people period, but since we are talking about women let’s stay focused]: There’s INDEPENDENT women and DEPENDENT women. An independent woman, IN MY DEFINITION, is focused on creating her own life, making enough money to support herself and creating the career she wants and/or needs to get by. She works hard to make ends meet and ultimately is reliant on herself to keep a roof over her head, food on her table and clothes on her back. Independent women are also mothers supporting households, taking care of children and assisting their family members sustain a proper livelihood. Independent women handle THEIR business, mostly out of abject necessity, yet are plagued by anti-intellectual men telling them they are emasculating the ENTIRE gender.

On the OTHER hand, there are DEPENDENT women. These are the women who are either unable to support themselves fully, or unwilling to support themselves. To be honest, although many female students would be considered dependents on tax returns or health forms, I would personally consider many of them independent in the sense that they are in school crafting out the career they will eventually pursue. But, IN MY DEFINITION, dependent women are TRULY the ones who want to live OFF a dude, as opposed to living in unison with him personally and professionally. These are the needy women, and the ones who would rather sponge off a dude than go out and create her own.

I would lend credence to Tyrese’s ideologies if they weren’t so laden in out of touch, old-school BULLSH*T ideas, such as the concept that the MAJORITY of “Independent” women roaming these streets are punk-ass girls too SCARED or IGNORANT to want a “real” man, because they are too caught up in their bank statements, career and promotions. Negro, what F*^KING world are YOU living in? Although I KNOW that type of woman definitely DOES exist, the fact that that stereotype has become the MASCOT for the term “Independent woman” is actually very disheartening and full of SH*T. Independent women aren’t all loudmouth jackasses with penis envy, and to propagate that as FACT is flat out WRONG. In fact, the MAJORITY of them are the ANTITHESIS of that.

When I look around myself at the many women I know who ARE independent, their desire for love and finding a man is not relinquished by the career, their money or their success – hell, if anything, it’s enhanced by it. Both sexes NEED love and affection, but because society has changed so drastically, we NEED to carve out our OWN independent successes BEFORE we can entertain being a couple in these dual-income days.

But my point is this: As a man out here trying to forge a great life and legacy for myself, why the HELL would I want a Dependent-ass chick on my arm like I’m cool with being the next Eric Williams on Basketball Wives? Why would I want to be Usher having to evict Tameka out of his house, because after putting her up for years AFTER the divorce, she STILL hasn’t gotten her own place or improved her professional situation?

We never talk about Independent men, because we live in a patriarchal society where that term is simply an implied redundancy, but the same way women want men who can OBVIOUSLY can hold their own, SMART men also want women who can take care of themselves too. Dependence is cool if that’s what you want, but if you’re not BALLING enough to afford a housewife, I suggest you research what independent women are REALLY like, because you WILL need one IF dual cohabitation is a dream of yours. And when you do, don’t be surprised when you find out what many men already know: A woman can be independent and strong – and still love you like no other.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

32 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    10/01/2012 at 7:26 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Agree With What Tyrese Wrote? What Is Your Definition Of Independent & Dependent Women?

  2. mena

    10/01/2012 at 9:14 AM

    Tyrese is talking about the stereotype so in that sense, i can't blame him for what he said. Black women seem to have the worst rap when the term "independent" comes up. Being independent isn't a bad thing–it's a freaking necessity. If you can't provide for yourself, then why in the hell would anyone want to be with you to begin with? Independence just means that you take care of yourself and handle your business. Men need to realize that they have to bring more to a relationship than a paycheck and penis and that women are more than willing to submit to a man who is worth her submitting to. If i am putting my life in your hands you better trust and believe that you are going through a full cycle interview process for me to submit.

    On the flip, women need to stop wagging their finger when they talk about how independent they are. It's like when people congratulate black men for being good fathers. That's what you are supposed to do. As an adult, you are supposed to be independent. You don't deserve a damn medal for taking care of yourself.

    • ChloeRayne516

      10/01/2012 at 2:29 PM

      "Men need to realize that they have to bring more to a relationship than a paycheck and penis and that women are more than willing to submit to a man who is worth her submitting to."

      *WavesChurchFans/Throws$10 in collection plate* AMEN!!!!!!

      Trust me — contrary to what you men like to believe alot of us are looking/wanting and waiting for our men to be the head of the household and/or the leader so-to-speak but let's be honest here alot of you men are dropping the ball before you even get a good grip on the damn thing.

      I am a traditional woman I believe in gender roles wholeheartedly BUT I be damned if I will entrust my well being/livelihood/future, etc. in the hands of a man that HASN'T SHOWN me that he is worthy of that kind of trust because not only will it affect US as a couple but our Children as well.

      • mena

        10/01/2012 at 3:35 PM

        Yep. Men and women drop that ball. That sucker must be really slippery. :-)

      • Paul B.

        10/02/2012 at 12:52 AM

        Question: if you can't/won't submit, then why would you be with him? I would ask the same thing to a man that if you're dealing with a woman that clearly shows she's unwilling to do so, why be with her?

        • mena

          10/02/2012 at 1:36 AM

          I honestly have no idea why women get with men they won't submit to. But if it works for them in their relationship then it just works for them.

          I, for one, don't get into a relationship to simply submit to a man. That's something that happens over time.

          • Paul B.

            10/02/2012 at 5:32 PM

            No, it is a conscious decision just as is everything else you do. If one walks into a relationship with the idea that they have to be made to do it, then they really don't need to be in one. If I get into a relationship with the idea of loving her eventually, then what's the point?

          • mena

            10/03/2012 at 5:12 AM

            I don't get into relationships with someone that I love. I get into a relationship with someone that has the potential for me to love them so I open myself up to be in the relationship knowing that love is a definite possibility. The same goes for submitting. That's something that a man earns through his actions not simply bc I decided to start a relationship with him. The potential is there but the pendulum can swing either way.

  3. Adonis

    10/01/2012 at 1:15 PM

    Interdependence is what BW should be striving for. Because independent BW tend to be unbalanced individuals. And they give me horrible customer service.

    Weekly d*ck downs & emotional support does alot for a woman who's got her own.

    Remember this post – (LINK) Why Successful Women Are Damn-Near UNDATEABLE (LINK)

    Another thing. Independent women attract bums. They scream they don't need a man to provide & protect, so they tend to attract men who is only job is to d*ck 'em down. That is highly problematic, especially if they plan to get married & have children.

    Women are not wired to financially carry families like men are.

    • mena

      10/01/2012 at 1:42 PM

      Women are not wired to financially carry families…

      So why have bw been doing this since reconstruction?

      • 2cool4school

        10/01/2012 at 1:56 PM

        To be fair he did not say not able but not wired … like men are. More recently, black people in the US have a greater proportion of women-headed households as compared to other ethnicities. We also have the least net worth. Example, many women will take time off at some point in their careers for their children (illness, maternity leave etc.) many men will never take time like this or for the same duration. This can compromise earning potential because of lack of continuity of employment, decreased hours, unpaid maternity leave etc. It's not fair but true.

        • mena

          10/01/2012 at 3:34 PM

          "Women are not wired to financially carry families like men are." His term wired signifies that biologically, we are not mentally capable to do so which is untrue. Do you know why in developing countries microloans are given to women instead of the men?
          http://www.oprah.com/world/Microcredit-The-Financ

          "Another reason for making women and girls the focus of antipoverty programs has to do with an impolitic secret of global poverty: Some of the most wretched suffering is caused not just by low incomes, but also by unwise spending—by men."

          Men and women may be wired to do a lot of things but handling finances has nothing to do with what's between your legs. Sorry.

        • Adonis

          10/01/2012 at 3:49 PM

          My point is, women are heading the households, & do not marry THEN procreate with men who will most likely stick around. Government & media imagery have a large bit to do with it. But she still made her choices.

          It would be all good if the kids ended up successful & black women were not complaining about the lack of committed black men & how white women have it better. (Also, there is a 40 – 50 million of white poverty population that doesn't get the constant media coverage of the 10 million black poverty population.)

          • Adonis

            10/01/2012 at 4:00 PM

            Error on the white american, 21+ million whites are defined as poor

      • Adonis

        10/01/2012 at 3:43 PM

        Did they do this by themselves. Something tells me they had male support up until the 1960s. Then the government took over.

        Even today's independent black women have WHITE male support.

        • mena

          10/01/2012 at 5:08 PM

          1 in 4 did. Black women have been heading households since the end of slavery. It's just a fact.
          http://www.dol.gov/oasam/programs/history/moyncha

          • Adonis

            10/01/2012 at 6:03 PM

            Dude, did you even read the link. This is TODAY's recent stat. in 1950s most of black couples were married. On par with whites. The illegitimacy rate was LOW. Before integration. Most likely because we only had each other.

            It only got out of control because the government took over as financial provider. And women took it hook, line & sinker.

          • mena

            10/01/2012 at 6:17 PM

            LOL…it was written in 1965 that detailed the Negro family after the civil war. That's why the term Negro was used to begin with. This detail talks about the 1940s to early 60s:

            "Almost One-Fourth of Negro Families are Headed by Females

            As a direct result of this high rate of divorce, separation, and desertion, a very large percent of Negro families are headed by females. While the percentage of such families among whites has been dropping since 1940, it has been rising among Negroes.

            The percent of nonwhite families headed by a female is more than double the percent for whites. Fatherless nonwhite families increased by a sixth between 1950 and 1960, but held constant for white families.

            It has been estimated that only a minority of Negro children reach the age of 18 having lived all their lives with both of their parents.

            Once again, this measure of family disorganization is found to be diminishing among white families and increasing among Negro families."

          • Adonis

            10/01/2012 at 6:36 PM

            Okay, I'll concede, still doesn't prove that women are wired to financially carry household. Black women were in a situation and cope with it as best as possible. During this same time period, Whites were effed up also. It is just that they got REAL help. Black people didn't.

          • Adonis

            10/01/2012 at 6:36 PM

            And where did reconstruction comment come from.

          • mena

            10/01/2012 at 7:40 PM

            I was just making the point that since the end of slavery, black women have carried households. Did you see my comment concerning micro loans? You are more than fine to have your opinion on women and finances but I will wholeheartedly disagree with you. Black women are more than capable to lead financially. They always have and will continue to do so if they must.

            Where did you come up with your opinion that black women can't lead financially?

          • Adonis

            10/01/2012 at 8:45 PM

            I said they were not wired, not incapable. My research comes from the non-stop complaints about what the men are not doing, the welfare dependency, and male financial support coming from SOMEWHERE.

            Men will carry a household with little complaint, and better equipped to do so if & when he gets an opportunity, but women & the government undermine him at every turn.

            Also, your statement leads me to believe that these black women did it with NO help, which leads to challenge your statement all together.

          • mena

            10/02/2012 at 1:44 AM

            I don't see how since they are still leading a household. My point was simply that women can and will lead households financially. They have been doing it since they were able to work for pay. I have never seen a black single income household which means that both parties contribute. I have seen women lead financially either bc they make more or just simply have no choice. Bottom line, women and men can lead a household financially and no one party is more hardwired to do so.

            If you read the article I posted, it showed how women living in extreme poverty are given these loans simply bc men make horrible financial decisions which drive their families more and more into poverty. Also, in these countries, women are the ones making strides in business and becoming the next millionaires.

            Your point is mute and doesn't have any research to back it up.

          • Adonis

            10/02/2012 at 8:48 PM

            Alright, I finally got my thoughts together.

            – This idea of either sex being able to financially provide is true.

            Women can financially provide. My point is to stress, is that WOMEN only provide when they are forced to, and when confronted with having to do a normally male-inclined role.

            They are less happy, and the children they create are net-negatives on society. And they are un-date-able. Independent women are problematic.

            If women (which a small number do, and the family is good, expection proves the rule) were chief breadwinners & net-positive things happen to the world

            (LINK) The Weaker Sex (LINK)

            "One 2010 study showed that when a woman’s contribution to household income tops 60 percent, the couple is more likely to divorce."

            (LINK) Women are more unhappy despite 40 years of feminism. (LINK)

            My main point is that when men are chiefbread winners, family is more likely to stay intact.

          • Adonis

            10/02/2012 at 8:56 PM

            If you read the article I posted, it showed how women living in extreme poverty are given these loans simply bc men make horrible financial decisions which drive their families more and more into poverty. Also, in these countries, women are the ones making strides in business and becoming the next millionaires.

            What this the Department Of Labor link?

            As far as that link is concerned, this talked about black the INNER CITY. That 1 in 4 was very misleading. Where was their money coming from? Who was watching their kids while they worked? There are holes in this story that I wish you would have painted a better picture.

            Also, this has NOTHING to do with reconstruction or slavery, this was 1940s – 1960s.

            FTR, American blacks were always a target group from the time we landed in America. Even today, they keep an eye on us, to make sure we are in check.

            Black women just got born in the wrong ethnic group.

            Also, are you telling me these women were completely alone, with no support and persevered and creating good children, etc.

            I don't buy that.

          • mena

            10/03/2012 at 9:11 AM

            Just a little background on that link. It was the Moynihan Report which helped to shape the state of the war on poverty. The guy was a statistician that actually argued for more help to be given to black males since he saw that by black men not being able to find work this contributed to the rise of divorce rates, out of wedlock births, etc. He looked at facts from after reconstruction to1965 to compose the report. You can read more here:
            http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/29/opinion/29Patte

            He didn't just focus on the inner city but the state of black families as a whole.

            You seem to be very male centric so you may actually like what he had to write and what followed. I don't mean that as a jab either.

  4. ChloeRayne516

    10/01/2012 at 2:43 PM

    TYRESE is a CaveMan!!! #NuffSaid

  5. GrandCentral

    10/02/2012 at 8:52 AM

    Good post Lincoln! Tyrese has been on this kick for the last year and even wrote a book about it. However, based on what he's shown me, he doesn't really have a clue. He went down the black women this and that rode and when Independence has no color. His rant was all over the place, but I think that he might have been trying to say that a truly independent women understands that she does need a man to love and love her back. I can safely say that true independent women understand this. You left out a few things that I hold in my definition of an independent woman – the ability to think for herself. This is major to me.

    Tyrese needs to sit down and be quiet. He spends his life dating ratchet chics disguised as independent women and now he thinks he know.

  6. Jack

    10/02/2012 at 2:03 PM

    testing

  7. Paul B.

    10/02/2012 at 5:42 PM

    My definition of independence goes beyond having your own money, car, and house and not relying on somebody else to provide financially for you. If we stop there, then sure there are plenty of women who are independent. But as I like to go deeper, I just can't stop there. Independence is taking full responsibility for your life, not blaming others for your current situation, whether you're single, a single parent, bitter, jaded, unwilling to live up to your responsibility in the relationship. Basically, if you're still using the if/then logic when it comes to your life and relationships, you are not independent.

  8. imakesense

    10/02/2012 at 10:43 PM

    WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD READERS??!!:(:(

  9. Patricia

    10/11/2012 at 6:14 PM

    Well Said!

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