The #1 Reason Women Should NEVER “Date Down”

Nooooo don’t do it, please don’t do it…

*[PLEASE NOTE: This post is NOT exclusively about, or limited solely to, women who date men who make LESS money than them. If that’s your ONLY concept or standard of “dating down” in a romantic relationship, you’re an IDIOT.]*

If there’s ONE thing I see women doing FAR too much of these days, it’s HOPE dating. This is when a woman meets a man with whom she shares an immediate and intense connection with, who presently isn’t worth a DAMN as a positive potential dating partner, and then gives him a chance NOT based on who he is or even a realistic assessment of WHAT he is, but based upon who she HOPES he can be. Many women end up dating men like this because she feels this guy, with whom she shares a great connection with, is really just a couple TWEAKS away from being the “perfect man” for her. Unfortunately those TWEAKS aren’t as slight as she may THINK they are – like trying to convince a lazy bastard to get some motivation, a playa to stop cheating and a 39 year-old rapper/producer to stop thinking he’s the next 2 Chainz.

HOPE dating results in “Dating down” which is essentially what good, high-quality, women of substance do when they decide to take on a PROJECT instead of finding a man who is on her intrinsic level of worth [once again, GREATER than just finance]. But there is a rarely discussed side of “dating down” that I want to bring up today: The psyches of the women who decide to HOPE date. We often look at women who date down as being sweet, innocent and generally loving women who just want to meet a good man that will treat her good and be a decent significant other to her – but here’s the REALITY: Women who date down, as sweet and altruistic as they MAY be, are often suffering from an innate GOD-complex which makes them believe that have the ability to show some FROWSY-acting man the light, change him where every other woman before her FAILED and then shape him into the man she WISHES he can be [also called Unique P*ssy Disease which is detailed extensively HERE].

One part of her GOD complex is based on the ideology that the man she’s with will be so ENAMOURED with her desire and effort to see him do better, that he will realize how FROWSY he TRULY is, put his head down, and work towards extreme self-improvement. Then when he achieves his goal, he will PRAISE HER FROM KILLAMANJARO MOUNTAIN for changing his ENTIRE LIFE. But that’s simply what does NOT happen, which brings me to my point: The #1 reason a woman should NEVER “date down” is because the man will LOSE respect for you RIGHT from the jump – and the further you date down, the MORE respect he will lose for you.

As a man with more than a FEW musty-friends, the one sentiment that always KILLS me every time I hear them say it, is how STUPID women are for putting up with their BS. These are guys who constantly get caught lying and cheating, who are generally unmotivated and stubborn, and guys who are no where NEAR living up to their potential as men. They KNOW they aren’t good men, and they KNOW that she deserves a LOT better, BUT you must be naive as hell if you think they are going to reveal ANY of that to her.

As much as they understand WHAT she’s trying to achieve, they simply DON’T RESPECT HER, because she choose THEM. Isn’t that a hilarious concept? Instead of being grateful, they think it’s LAUGHABLE that a smart, gorgeous woman is investing her time and effort into HIM. Ladies, there is NO appreciation at the end of the rainbow with this DOUCHEBAG – just more hard d*ck, soft lies and bubblegum.

But here’s the actual SAD part of this scenario: While these high-quality women try to turn a lousy dude into a grown-ass man, they are missing the high-quality men. If these women stopped HOPE-DATING for a second, they may have learned an important fact about GOOD men: You don’t HAVE to FORCE them to be better, because your mere presence alone will generate that change in them.

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.


  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    11/14/2012 at 4:59 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Do You Believe Too Many Women "Hope Date"? How Do YOU Define "Dating Down"?

    • petersburgh

      11/14/2012 at 5:35 AM

      Yes I believe too many women date down. I define it as dating someone who is not on your level or potential level meaning that they may not be on your level but they certainly aren't trying to close the gap. Everyone you meet will not be on your level (financially, spiritually, emotionally, ambition etc) but if you date someone who isn't even trying, then you are dating down

      • lincolnanthonyblades

        11/14/2012 at 5:59 AM

        Good definition. Co-sign that 100%

      • ChloeRayne516

        11/14/2012 at 12:58 PM

        "Everyone you meet will not be on your level (financially, spiritually, emotionally, ambition etc) but if you date someone who isn't even trying, then you are dating down"

        Exactly!!!! if you see that person is ACTIVELY trying to better himself to get where they say they want to be while constantly staying on their grind……. it can be a good thing, but just be careful of something I like to call 'The Starter Wife Syndrome"

    • Piscean

      11/14/2012 at 6:07 AM

      I agree. I have "hope-dated" one too many times in the past. I just really hate walking around with an attitude like my ish don't stink. And partially b/c I've seen lots of women end up lonely because they seem to have huge expectations. I don't want to change these men into ambitious quality guys, b/c upon first encounter, the picture they paint of themselves IS that they are good quality ambiitious guys with who have had some bad circumstances.

      I am not free of sin nor mistakes so I try to keep an open mind. Well, that open-mind has not served me well over the past few years so I will need to set up some higher standards for myself.

      • KemaVA

        11/14/2012 at 9:46 AM

        " I don't want to change these men into ambitious quality guys, b/c upon first encounter, the picture they paint of themselves IS that they are good quality ambiitious guys with who have had some bad circumstances. "

        I have had this happen to. I never go in thinking I'm am going to change him. I was going by his story of how xyz happened and how he's now trying to get out. Then as you get to know the person you realize xyz was bound to happen because of his attitude and the way he lives his life. smh… Yea I too have tried to to be open minded but you learn eventually.

        • Piscean

          11/14/2012 at 3:04 PM

          Yup! PREACH!!! I than started to realize that the reason why he doesn't have his life in order is because he is the one who stands in front of himself, blocking himself from progression.

    • ChloeRayne516

      11/14/2012 at 12:47 PM

      Yes, we are notorious for "Hope Dating" (dating down, etc) and you know why,? because it's in our nature as women to be nurturing, understanding, compassionate and such so when we come across a man who feeds us a pipe dream about who/what he wants to be as opposed to who/what he actually is now, our nurturing side kicks in and WE BELIEVE HIM and become his cheerleader athough he is constantly getting knocked down and taking L's all over the damn field, but the even shamful part of this is that women tend to wake up and realize it was all smoke and mirrors AFTER she done wasted her youth and talents on him and now stuck with a kid or 2 with him.

      Sidenote: Hope Dating can be cool if you are not looking for FOREVER AFTER with that person; if you are looking for something serious that will hopefully lead to everlasting then Hope Dating shouldn't even be in your vocabulary.

  2. uncle gryph

    11/14/2012 at 5:49 AM

    hope isn't always bad.

    sometimes, men actually are grateful that a baaad bish would pay them mind. and puzzy. his gratefulness grows into undying devotion. i've seen this dozens of times with my own skeptical eyes.

    more usually though, this strategy is enacted by a woman who isn't as "high-quality" as she thinks; and by acting this way hopes to make her self-delusion more real.

    and let's not ignore the tactical aspect. women who "date down" are trading the status benefits of "dating up" (i.e. hypergamy); for the control benefits of dating down (i.e. hypogamy). a century worth of anthropology describes this as a way to establish the prominence of maternal line – or affect a shadow matriarchy. so there's a definite power dynamic in the decision.

    and, when/if dude decides to go off "reservation" there's always the "wahhhh i didn't know my worth! i'll never do that again" line as cluckery-approved ego-insurance.

    so. it is rarely just "hope", rather different aspects of a tidy little dating system women have co-designed. and of course, the nephews should know that.

  3. Paul B.

    11/14/2012 at 7:48 AM

    Of course, it's evident when a woman is told by others or by herself that "if only he knew what he had, and how much of a good woman she is, that he'd act right." or something along those lines, which happens a lot. Believe it or not, this is connected to other issues as well. The truth is that a woman can't turn good d**k into a good man. Of course this ties into the sex before a relationship issue, which for some, is like sampling an addictive drug; sure you know if it's good on the front end, but you didn't know what thar addiction costs on the back end.

  4. longtimelurker

    11/14/2012 at 8:41 AM

    "there is NO appreciation at the end of the rainbow with this DOUCHEBAG – just more hard d*ck, soft lies and bubblegum."

    LMAO @ this! I must admit I was a victim of dating down but now I make better choices & am unapologetic for not giving dudes a chance who aint got "a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of" as my granny used to say.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      11/14/2012 at 12:18 PM

      That's cool as long as what he has or doesn't have, does not trump what he is.

  5. MissLia

    11/14/2012 at 12:32 PM

    There are people who will strive to maintain their first string position in life, some who aren't there yet but are actively trying to get there, and others who settle in their mediocrity. Choosing the latter person would be choosing to date down, because that person will bring you down to your own level of mediocrity if you choose should choose them…

    I'll admit it, I have hope dated before. And everything that you just said is absolutely true, for the most part. If it happened once, I'd be inclined to believe that a woman was willing to work with a brother and just didn't know any better. However, many of us have done this more than once. So I would add that if this is the case, she doesn't have a God complex at all. What she does have is a case of low self-esteem. She doesn't feel that she deserves somebody who is already at her level, or doesn't think that a good man would want her, so she seeks out someone who's not her equal and hopes that she can raise him up to be a good man. The idea is that he'll be so grateful for all of her hard work that he will reward her by being a good man in a great relationship. Wrong wrong wrong on so many levels. He more than likely will not change. (She might even have the unfortunate experience of seeing him treat his next woman better, and in her mind it will be all thanks to her) But somewhere in her heart she knows that he is not her equal, but it takes the spotlight off of her own perceived flaws, at least for the moment.

    Women who date down end up feeling worse in the end though. She secretly believes that someone beneath her should be grateful that a woman like her even gave him a second glance. But if a man who is beneath her doesn't appreciate all she has to offer, she doesn't think that a man of higher quality who already has those good qualities will either. Faulty logic, I know. But it is what it is…Thank God for getting older and learning from painful experiences…

  6. alexxussknight

    11/14/2012 at 12:53 PM

    I don't know a girl who hasn't hope dated but you bring a great point about the loss of respect, however the good quality guys seem to be outnumbered by the frowsy dudes

  7. amaris79

    11/14/2012 at 5:31 PM

    I mean, this is great, and Imma let y'all finish……
    But a woman who constantly dates "project" is no different from the man who hates "independent" women.

    If nothing is "wrong" with them…well, why would they "want" you?

    It is very hard to asses your worth with another person that doesn't "need" you in any way. You have to be very comfortable with yourself, it takes some confidence and a whole lot of self worth to believe that JUST YOU is "enough", WITHOUT the leverage brought about by "upgrading", or being the "dominant" partner (in the case of the male).

  8. lalford

    11/15/2012 at 7:04 AM

    Favorite line>>>>"… You don’t HAVE to FORCE them to be better, because your mere presence alone will generate that change in them."

    Well said, CHHHUUCCCCHHHH!


  9. daboo18

    11/17/2012 at 4:16 PM

    First off, let me state that the woman in that picture, her hair is beautiful.
    second, this post is very interesting i agree with the aspect totally.
    Its sad but true.

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