New Years Eve is always a day full of people scrambling to find a proper way to ring in the new year, but in my experience I always tend to run into people who overreach WAY too far on the NYE plans just to make sure they enjoy themselves, when the recipe to having a GREAT time is so simple: Laughter, Liquor and Lots of Hard, Sweaty, Nut-Busting, Squirtastic Sex.

You do NOT have to go to a nightclub, lounge or Times Square and pop champagne to enjoy your night and you also don’t need to stay home and sit in the dark staring at the TV in silent-protest of all things NYE-related to enjoy yourself either. You want to have a memorable and fun NYE, it’s as simple as 1-2-3.

1) LAUGHTER

New Years Eve is NOT the time for a first date with someone or even the date where you plan to get it in with someone for the first time. It’s the time to enjoy yourself with the people who keep you smiling and laughing until you cry. It don’t even have to be a group of friends, it could be your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or your brother/sister/cousin, etc. No matter how big or small the group is, make sure you Laugh, Your. A*s. Off.

2) LIQUOR

If your monkey-a*s is not tipsy as hell by at least 11:45 your night was a FAIL. You should be White-Boy Wasted and on the verge of being smashed this night – Hell, it’s socially acceptable so take FULL advantage. Remember, THIS is the night to try new drinks, so don’t go pouring a regular-a*s glass of Rum & Coke – experiment you lazy bastard.

3) LOTS OF HARD SEX

Now as that ball finally drops, and the clock strikes 12 and everyone is looking for someone to kiss, that mix of alcohol, elation and warm tongue in your mouth is going to unveil a simple truth within you: You’re HORNY.

Now New Years Eve Sex is not just regular drunk sex, it’s Focused, Intense, beat that nani like a racist police officer sex that should have you both pushing the boundaries of your freakiness. Hell, THAT’S socially acceptable too.

So dudes, don’t just hit it from the back – It’s NEW YEARS – you better jump both feet on the bed like you’re doing a squat, grab her hair and wrap it around your fist like boxing wraps, slap her a*s hard and put it deep inside her.

And ladies, don’t just lie on your back during the missionary position – It’s NEW YEARS – you better wrap your legs around him like a UFC fighter trying to prevent full mount and kiss him deeply and passionately with your soft tongue all in his mouth, and whisper in his ear all types of straight-NASTY sh*t like “this p*ssy is all yours baby” right up to “I can’t wait til we have that threesome with my hot girlfriend and you c*m in our faces!” [In a man's perfect world].

So go laugh until you wet yourself; drink until your liver throws in the towel and get it in until your body is sorer than Faizon Love after pilates.

This Is Your Conscience