Your P*ssy Is NOT A Rehab Centre

I have a homegirl who constantly finds really cool dudes to date (smart, handsome, funny, etc.) – except they are usually saddled with one annoying downfall: Some serious part of their life is in shambles. Now, a person with sense would approach someone with a complicated and rocky life VERY CAUTIOUSLY and may even back off until that person can get their life in order – but NOT my homegirl. When she initially starts dating a dude and falls for his good attributes, the second she starts learning about his turbulent-ass life, she comes to a reckless and completely self-sabotaging conclusion: MY love can help him overcome these issues and we can do it TOGETHER as a TEAM. People, this is NOT the way to approach this scenario.

And the worst part is it’s NOT just her, because I have other homegirls and even some dudes who are guilty of doing this mess too. Because I care about them so much, I usually try to do whatever I can to prevent them from making a STUPID ASS relationship decision like dating someone they think they can HELP just off the strength of their love and affection. And the reason I want them to avoid making that mistake, is because I WISH someone told ME to avoid making that mistake MANY years ago.

Many, MANY years ago, I fell for a beautiful, fit and hilarious Guyanese girl and instantly knew I wanted to explore a serious relationship with her. About a month later, we had a long talk and she revealed all her personal, family problems to me, MOST of which had an adverse affect on her ability to be in a healthy relationship with me. I thought my heart and richard would be enough to help her through her rough patch, but she didn’t need a man – she needed a therapist – and by me trying to be a boyfriend/therapist all I did was take on the stress of her own issues. Every time she had a fight with her family I tried to put on my cape and rescue her ass. If she was upset about her personal life, I grabbed my Thor hammer and tried to put out any fires she was having. I figured, this is what you’re SUPPOSE to do for someone you care about. I was out here acting my richard was a life-stabilizing syringe.

What I didn’t realize is that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you care about is let them walk away from the relationship so they can go get the help they need or take time to let things settle.

By no means is this rant meant to discourage people from falling in love with men and women going through tough times (I mean, who isn’t going through some rough sh*t in their lives?) but it’s just meant to add a different perspective to all of our intrinsic thought-processes. When you begin dating someone who is dealing with some serious issues, you need to understand that your LOVE is not going to be enough to FIX that person AND their problems. Either accept them and their flawed situation AS IS and be cautiously optimistic, or find yourself bearing the brunt of their mental and emotional problems, because at the end of the day, guess who ALL that drama and BS is getting dumped on?

This Is Your Conscience

When Lincoln Anthony Blades is not writing for his controversial and critically acclaimed blog ThisIsYourConscience.com, he can be found contributing articles for Uptown Magazine. Lincoln wrote the hilarious and insightful book "You're Not A Victim, You're A Volunteer: How To Stop Letting Love Kick Your Ass". He is also a public speaker who has sat on panels all over North America and the Caribbean.

13 Comments

  1. lincolnanthonyblades

    01/02/2013 at 5:30 AM

    Ladies & Gentlemen, what do you think someone should do after initially dating someone and then finding out they have huge unresolved issues that are currently affecting them deeply? Stick in there or keep it moving?

  2. @DulceDeLauryn

    01/02/2013 at 6:14 AM

    I learned this the hard way. We ended up splitting because we realized it was just WAY too much to deal with.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      01/02/2013 at 2:27 PM

      Smart move.

  3. Smilez_920

    01/02/2013 at 6:51 AM

    It's depends. If the person was/ is independently working on those issues, then maybe you can explore something further with that person. But if they have these issues bottled up and haven't been proactively trying to fix them, and don't even realize how they negatively effect his/ her relationships , then you should just leave them alone. If their cool maybe you can be friends.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      01/02/2013 at 2:27 PM

      I think being friends should be the first option and the ONLY option until things either change or you realize you can deal with their mess.

  4. nolabels

    01/02/2013 at 2:04 PM

    Linc, I have been in this type of situation before. I didn't know about all of the issues at first but once I discovered them, I struggled with whether to "stay in there" or "to just go." I didn't want to feed into some of the abandonment issues my mate had by just going, but this relationship was a test in how much emotional and mental strife I could endure. After a while, the romantic part of the relationship did deteriorate, and I started feeling more like a caretaker/therapist. In the end, after trying to stick it out in the long haul, the other person left me–first telling me the whole "it's not you; it's me" but I found out months later that the person had found someone else while trying to get "help". A few times, the person has tried to re-establish friendship with me, but for me, although I've gotten to the point where I can forgive, I don't want to welcome the type of drama back into my life. I gave almost six years, and I felt very exhausted, to say the least.

    • lincolnanthonyblades

      01/02/2013 at 2:29 PM

      See? That's the type of thing that kills me to hear. You gave all you had, and that person took everything and still left you with nothing.

  5. petersburgh

    01/02/2013 at 4:49 PM

    I've been there a couple of times but i was smart enough to let them go when i discovered those issues and i mean serious issues

  6. 3Ls

    01/04/2013 at 5:23 PM

    Thanks for this article. I am currently going through this and decided to walk away. I thought my decision was selfish, but this article is helping me stick to my decision.

  7. Nathan

    01/08/2013 at 10:46 PM

    You WERE being selfish.
    Sounds to me like the author wants a perfect person with no shit going on in their life, but life isn't like that. Every has problems and if your not prepared to stick through difficult times with someone, beprepared to be alone.

  8. MiniDriver

    01/11/2013 at 2:25 PM

    I am still licking my wounds from a recent encounter that ended because of drama in his life. I was trying to be the understanding, loving therapist/girlfriend and it just wasn't enough. The worst part is he tried to ease off because he realised how f-up things were and didn't want to drag me into it. Stupidly, I thought my concern and affection could mend all his ails, but his issues were too much for me to contend with.

    So now I am here, getting over it…dreading the thought of dating again!! The sickest part is I am still worried about the dude because I am just that type of person. I want to know he is ok just like I would any other friend, but I know if I go there I am just going to get hurt!!

    This post came right on time!! Thanks for sharing!

  9. Dee

    01/12/2013 at 11:51 AM

    I went through this relationship in college. It was emotional exhausting trying to be good for the both of us. He would be depressed act fine around others because she's a man and a man is strong. And for him sadness showed weakness. By my love for him didn't matter if he didn't have love for himself and being the other person who knew his sadness is overwhelming and it had to end before it overcame me too

  10. movers Chicago

    04/21/2013 at 7:26 AM

    Very energetic blog, I enjoyed that bit. Will there be a part
    2?

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