The other day I saw an interesting show on TV that I’ve never seen before called “Same Name.” The premise of the show is that a real life person who shares the exact same name as a popular celebrity must exchange lives with each other for one week and experience the culture shock. The show I saw was Kathy Griffin’s where she exchanges lives with a Black woman with the same name from a rich suburb in Atlanta. Though there were many interesting parts to the show, the most interesting dynamic to me was how EAGER the Black parents were to kick their oldest son OUT of the house. The question I REPEATEDLY kept asking during the entire episode was “WHY?”

Here is the FULL episode:

The day after watching this episode, I was talking to a group of friends about how weird I found it that this RICH Black family were more insistent on making sure their son was OUT the house, than making sure he had the appropriate skill sets and focus needed to live a happy and healthy life. He’s a young man WITH a degree, but no job, no apparent aspirations and no idea of what he truly wants with his future, but it seems like they are saying “F*^K ALL THAT – get your Black-ass OUT!” And me being confused about that, was met with a strong backlash from one of the ladies listening nearby who said: “Anyone who STILL lives at home with their parents, who is over age 30 is completely undateable!” As much as I agree with 8% of that comment, the majority of what she said is BS that just exposes how STUPID our priorities are, and how IGNORANT we are as a society about the reality of our economic situation.

And don’t be confused, it IS an economic issue. Watching that episode really clued me in on one very important dynamic of North American culture that is far too misunderstood: The fact that we don’t associate inflation, the rising wealth gap and the death of old-hat industrial services, with our outdated mentalities regarding when a young man/woman “should” be ready to move out the house. In essence, we still think and talk like we are back in the 50′s with a thriving industrial work force, and a vibrant economy where a middle-class citizen at a regular-ass job could comfortably be the single-owner of their own property [or at least rent without excessively struggling].

See back then, you could finish high school at 18, start working at a plant at 19 [getting paid a decent living wage] and have a nice apartment by 20 [while still being able to save money for a home and have spending money]. Hell, if you went to college you could graduate at 22, get a BETTER-paying office job at 23, and be an independently successful home-owner by 25. In those days, if you were still living at home at 30, it really means you failed scholastically and economically. Your sorry ass couldn’t get a basic high school degree or even a basic job. This was the reality our parents and grandparents faced DECADES ago – but that’s NOT anywhere CLOSE to what’s going on today.

Today, you can finish high school at 18 and if you think you can find a job anywhere with just a high school diploma, you’re playing yourself [unless you don't mind telemarketing or flipping burgers]. Having a high school diploma alone, will leave you qualified for nothing more than minimum wage, which realistically is NOT even a living wage anymore, so if you DO manage to find an apartment, it’s gonna be nasty and ghetto, PLUS you will now be living check-to-check. And the way the economy is, keeping that job is not guaranteed and saving money is next to impossible. You not only will work yourself to the bone, but you will be miserable and essentially trapped in a dead end job. But hey, you will be living on your own right? So I guess that makes you MUCH better dating material than the person who is staying at home to finish school, save money or find the right career, right?

Now let’s say after high school, you start university at 19, and graduate at 23 with an honours degree. You will start working a good paying job at 24 right? WRONG. Post-collegiate entry-level employment rates are LOWER than they’ve ever been, meaning you could be waiting 1, 2 3 even 4 years AFTER graduation to find a career that is commensurate with your education and financial expectations. But for the sake of argument, let’s say you get a white collar job at 24. You are now living in a world experiencing such a fluctuating market that promises of career advancement will NOT be based solely on your work ethic, but more so on the companies bottom line. So if you decide to rent [at these new high prices] you will be subject to check-to-check living much like the high school student, but with a slightly better furnished place in a better neighbourhood. And if you ever want to own a condo/home by yourself, get ready to SAVE for years, because living on your own and saving is TWICE as hard for you as it is on your counterparts still living and saving under their parents roof. As much as they may not be able to purchase their first home until they turn 30, you won’t be able to purchase your first home MUCH after that.

The truth is, people who feel that 30 year olds living at home are undateable, either have incredibly HIGH standards or incredibly LOW standards, and just like the Black family in the video above, it typically tends to be the latter. Some people get amazing breaks in life [with or without hard work] that allows them to ball out and afford a higher standard of living than others, and those people wanting to date someone in their own financial bracket is perfectly fine. On the other hand, some people are so focused on having sex in an apartment owned by their lover that they don’t give a damn about potential home ownership or dating someone stuck in a horrible job they hate out of basic necessity who is constantly overworked, under appreciated and stressed out.

The truth is, we need to rethink equating the age of 30 with being unmotivated and unsuccessful. Granted, there are MANY people age 30 and above who ain’t doing a DAMN thing with their lives, sitting on the couch playing video games all day without an aspiration in the world. But, by the very same token, there are many people living at their parents homes finishing degrees that would leave them accredited for WELL paying jobs STILL in high demand. There are many people living at their parents home who are becoming entrepreneurs and can’t afford running a business and paying rent as well. Basically, there are people living at home at the age of 30 who ARE motivated, but just are victims of a terrible economy and unbalanced employment standards [I need a B.A. in business to make 35K? REALLY?] and if you consider THEM undateable, well, that’s simply YOUR LOSS.

This Is Your Conscience

"You know Mary from Marketing let me hit that last night right?! I told her 'Pop that p*ssy for a real goon!"

Back in the days, one of the most prevalent ideologies regarding male/female relationships was the belief that women were WAY too loose-lipped when it came to revealing details and identities of their sex partners. We use to believe that if you smashed a woman too good, too bad, or you were just someone noteworthy, she would let details of your richard reach her friends and subsequently the general public. I mean, hell, we basically assigned GOSSIP as a predominantly female trait. When I was growing up, dudes felt they NEEDED to instruct women to keep what they do on the down low in hopes of them not running their mouths and telling everyone around town whats going on between them [especially since that might throw salt in his gaming of other women]. But now those days are OFFICIALLY DEAD – because it’s not women who are steady bragging and dry-snitching – it’s this new breed of B!TCHASS MAN that’s doing this.

So a couple days ago, LA Lakers bench player and Basketball Wives D-list star Matt Barnes got into a twitter beef over his ex-fiance [and Basketball Wives E-List star] Gloria Govan, with one of The Game’s sorry-ass friends named Avante Rose [a name that sounds like it should be announced with a glitter bomb]. Apparently after Matt and Gloria split, Avante got it in with her in THEIR house, where THEIR children rest their heads at. Then, for some unknown reason, this frowsy, trifling, ignorant nigga decided that he needed to put up a post-squirt picture of her laying up in bed wearing his Money Gang shirt on f*^king TWITTER:

Oh but the rabid and incessant nig-norance doesn’t stop there. After putting her ass on full blast, he THEN decided to go in on Matt Barnes, bragging about digging out his baby-moms – on Twitter – arguably the most PUBLIC of all social networking forums:

And this Twitter beef clearly had the E-thugs and ratchetweeters going NUTS – but the reality is, him and his ilk are the absolute HEIGHT of B!TCHASSNESS. I would lose ALL respect for this C*NT if I had any to begin with. But it’s NOT just him, it’s this new wave of immature little boys who tie their ego’s to the pain and drama they cause by making the notches on their bedpost public record. Not only are you morally bankrupt DOUCHEBAGS, but more importantly you are F*^KING up the game for REAL men trying to do their thing.

Listen, I LOVE amateur pr0n [as long as it was filmed and posted with mutual consent], but I CRINGE every time some p*ssy-ass teen boy posts a video to Twitter of some girl giving him [and his friends] neck for the world to see. And I DON’T differentiate my disgust for them, with the abject HATE I have for these frowsy men “exposing” women they smashed in an attempt to socially degrade her. My question Is: What part of the game is that?

It’s definitely NOT part of being a ladies man/Gallis/player, etc. It’s definitely NOT part of being a grown man. Hell, it’s NOT even part of being a basic, functioning troglodyte. All it is, is being a self-aggrandizing E-THUG who would sell his soul for 100 RT’s and 7 minutes and 30 seconds of fame. So save your pics, e-mails, naked flicks, etc. because you deserve ZERO props for acting like an emotionally-compromised B!TCH.

This Is Your Conscience

The big talk this weekend [and what will be the big talk for the next couple weeks to a month] is the fact that Chris Brown and Rihanna have MUSICALLY reunited to make 2 [potentially] HIT songs together. The two songs they recently released “Birthday Cake [remix]” and “Turn Up The Music [remix]“ have received a very mixed response. On one hand, people are highly rating the quality music they are putting out, but on the other hand, it’s making people exponentially MORE pissed off at Chris Brown and increasing people’s overall lack of respect for Rihanna. While I don’t give a damn about how mad people want to be at Chris Brown, the idea that Rihanna is somehow “selling out” domestic abuse survivors, herself and women as a whole is the most anti-intellectual and RIDICULOUS argument I’ve EVER heard on this issue.

For those of you who haven’t heard their new songs, here they are:

“BIRTHDAY CAKE”

“TURN UP THE MUSIC”

Personally, this is not music I’m into so I will refrain from saying anything negative because that would just be straight-up ignorant, but regardless of how good or bad it may be to followers of this genre, the reality is that there is a very pervasive anger amongst the general public, directed at Rihanna, for allowing Chris Brown back into her life in ANY capacity. Now that would be understandable from the perspective of feeling she could do better by finding someone more mature with a greater respect for women, but the problem is that the anger DOESN’T stop there. It gets to a point where people start looking at her as a stupid b*tch for publicly accepting him back into her life and breaking the unofficial code of conduct that she apparently signed with society as the MIND, BODY & SOUL of domestic abuse survivors. This is where average everyday people need to take a LARGE step back and get a f*^king GRIP.

The code of conduct that society WANTS from Rihanna is for her to stand tall as the new-age face of abuse by neglecting and ignoring Chris Brown while succeeding in spite of him, to show survivors and current victims that it IS truly possible to leave a bad situation, and that it IS possible to be strong again after feeling so helpless and powerless. And therein lies the problem: That level of responsibility should NOT be entrusted to her just because she’s a celebrity. Domestic Abuse is NOT friggin’ Coca-Cola and it does NOT need a celebrity spokesperson.

This is NO disrespect to Rihanna, but who the HELL is she to have to undertake the responsibility for being the shining light to victims and women as a whole worldwide? Yes, she is a GREAT singer, but to expect and demand her to live her life by our societies ideals and demands over her own because of her mass appeal is STUPID. If you LOST respect for Rihanna based on her decision to be cool with Chris Brown again, then you probably had her far too high on a ridiculous pedestal in the first place, which is OUR societies problem.

The simple reality is Rihanna doesn’t owe anybody a DAMN thing – but she does owe herself absolute honesty, and if there is a place in her heart that combines a true love for Chris along with an almost absolute surety he won’t go Floyd Mayweather on her again, then she SHOULD pursue that. It doesn’t matter how we feel about the subject, because each individuals pursuit of love and happiness is a journey one can only take ALONE. But most importantly, her life [especially her LOVE life] is not your own personal springboard for moral correctness and social reform. It’s her DAMN LIFE. And I can PROMISE you there are much more suitable women to stand up for abuse victims – unfortunately MOST of them will NOT have any 1 Billboard hit records.

And that’s what makes this situation even MORE disgusting – the fact that as a society, we view the most credible as the most successful and famous. That’s why we WANT Rihanna to “do the right thing” and tell Breezy to go F*^K himself, but if it was plain-ass Sandra Smith, the secretary from New Jersey, telling Michael Thompson, the bus driver from Philly, to go F*^K himself because of what he did to her, we simply wouldn’t care. I mean Sandra is just a secretary, right?

To be honest with y’all, I really DON’T care if Rihanna and Chris Brown are together, or whether or not they have been secretly sleeping together since he beat her down, or whether or not they are just platonic friends – I care about the quality of their MUSIC, because this one man and one woman were NOT endowed with any more intrinsic strength, intelligence or resolve than the rest of us. So if today you are wondering how Rihanna can look herself in the mirror after letting everyone down, I think YOU should take sometime to look YOURSELF in the mirror and wonder why you were even so STUPID to think the monumental task of social reform is dependent on a damn singer.

This Is Your Conscience

Often times when I speak to my homegirls, they make a concerted effort to make me VERY aware of the fact that getting good richard nowadays is a complete crapshoot. As far as these women are concerned it’s not even 50/50 anymore, it’s more more 30/70 [basically saying that she has a 3/10 chance of meeting a dude that can properly blow her back out and 7/10 that it will be average to WELL below average]. And the reason for this modern day decline? Because more and more women are finding it increasingly more difficult to ADVISE men on how to please them, therefore leaving them drier than the back of Forrest Whittakers neck.

And as much as I believe that those frowsy, self-interested bastards that they are getting it in with deserve the LION SHARE of the blame, those women who are complaining deserve a little too – because they have NOT mastered the ART of Sexual Suggestion. The reason these women are going unsatisfied and unfulfilled is because the man is not doing what she needs to cum, which is being compounded by the fact that she doesn’t even know how to properly and accurately communicate to him what she needs to be pleased. Cussing your man out or giving him the Sexual Silent Treatment is regressive and STUPID.

This is where Sexual Suggestions come in, and if this technique is applied correctly it can help save relationships from ending, egos from getting bruised and women having to reach for the butterfly after some Charlotte-Bobcat-bad sex.

What is a Sexual Suggestion you ask? It is a seductive statement of what one needs to get off, delivered in an extremely seductive yet tactful manner. A Sexual Suggestion should NEVER be stated with a negative tone, it should never have an ultimatum, it should never be unclear or ambiguous and it should NEVER include ANY statements about what dude is doing WRONG. For example:

NOT A Sexual Suggestion: “Get your goddamn finger out of there, I hate when you try and do that sh*t!”
A GOOD Sexual Suggestion: “Baby, grab both my t*tties, I LOVE how you make me cum when you grab them all firm and sh*t..”

See, the woman in the above  scenario wanted dudes’ fingers OUT of orifice A, but when she went with Method 1 [NOT A S.S.] all she really did was make the dude feel self-conscious by adding an element of disappointment into the bedroom. But by using Method 2 [The S.S.] Not only did she achieve the objective of having dude remove his hand from uncomfortable-ass orifice A, but she also got him to do something that truly PLEASES her, by using positive affirmation.

One of the biggest BS statements most women make is that men DON’T want to be told what to do in the bed, but the reality is men don’t mind - depending on HOW you tell them. For the most part, men want women to cum hard and cum a LOT [even if just for the self-aggrandizing ego boost] so communicating to us what you want is KEY – as long as you aren’t telling us simultaneously that we ain’t SH*T.

Ladies, this method can most definitely serve you well in the bedroom, but one method that NEVER will is the Sexual Silent Treatment. This is when you’re getting sex so bad and pathetic that you feel there’s NO POINT in even attempting to say anything. If that’s how you think you are a DAMN FOOL. What the F*^K is the point of letting some musty, sweaty man climb on top of you humping away and the whole thing is terrible? Don’t you got places to be and things to do? If you let a man smash you and it’s terrible from the start and you say NOTHING – I feel NO pity for you.

Ladies, The fact is your man WANTS to please you, but us men realize that every woman is different so instructions are not only important, they are necessary. But if you don’t know how to communicate what you want properly you will never get the nut-busting, squirtastic, Multiple O sex you deserve.

This Is Your Conscience

There is one thing I have been trying to preach to young men for a minute now, but it seems young and old men alike are not hearing me: Getting the best sexual performance possible from a woman is NOT as difficult as you may think, because in fact it’s predicated on a very simple theory…

When it comes to turning a woman on, you GET what you GIVE. Yes it is that simple and not complex by any stretch of the imagination. Now the part that takes time is reading and learning a woman’s body to know WHERE, WHAT, WHEN and HOW she is turned on, but any woman with the ability of getting a wet nani, will be more than willing to let you explore. But only IF you are doing so with an open-mind and a willingness to make her climax until all that moaning and shivering turns into a heavy, intense and passionate orgasm. Seems like a lotta work? Well understand that the simple key to YOU getting your fantasies fulfilled simply starts with pleasuring her then pulling the freak out of her.

The sorry-a*s reality of the world right now, is that many men today are weak-back, self-interested, over-sensitive, uncaring douchebag’s who don’t know the first thing about making love to a woman’s mind, body and soul. These are the dudes with either erratic and inconsistent stroke games, or the “beat it up like cake mix” dudes who confuse pleasurable moaning with your actual groaning in pain because his pelvis is crushing your hymen. This is what passes for “putting it down” nowadays and these are the same wack dudes that will complain about women not being able to “handle them.” Well dude, understand that it’s YOUR job to make YOUR woman forget about any experience like that she’s ever had, by catering to her in every way imaginable. And perfect FOREPLAY is the time for this.

Every inch of her body is your playground from her lips, to her neck & collar-bone, to her beautiful round breasts and right down to the warmth between her knees. It’s ALL yours and you have free reign to do with her as you like, because at the end of the day, no matter the dynamic of your relationship, she wants you to make her feel like a sexy and desired woman, so she can in turn make you feel like the only man she ever wants inside of  her. Don’t be afraid to get creative because I guarantee you that if she truly trusts you and cares for you, she will want to explore herself with you just as much as you do.

So to all the dudes out there, we need to stop complaining about how some women don’t know how to bring the heat in the bedroom, when we aren’t even getting them as hot as we should be. Next time you have that woman laid out on your bed and you KNOW you want some good loving from her, just make it your mission to commit all your energy into making her soak through the mattress. Guarantee you if you do that, she will be MORE than willing to try and make your dreams a reality. [Unless your dream is a threesome with her little sister, in which case you should prepare yourself for a swift kick in the sack.]

This Is Your Conscience

Help me Uncle Gryph. I don’t know what to do.

On a steamy night in the summer of 2010, I met an achingly beautiful woman. Her lustrous 5’8” physique was punctuated by a taut bubble and accented with B-cups that I’d slap our own infant daughter away from if she tried to suckle them.

Alexia (not her real name) approached me, saying nothing but holding my gaze, delicately, like how’d she clasp my nuts in her mouth. She then let a smirk spill easily over her face, one that hinted vulnerability and promised obedience. She took my hand and we retired to her deep-tinted charcoal Lexus Rx.

The woman then proceeded to put a f*^k on me so vicious that it triggered car alarms. Not like I noticed at the time: a chorus of car alarms isn’t louder than angels singing. How we f*^ked – unk, I saw pixies…twinkling stars…Techni-color unicorns dancing around and sh*t.

Did I say we f*^ked? ‘Cause we did. Hard.

Lexi was a blend of power and nuance I didn’t think possible: the rush and twist of her hips, her coarse breathless moans, her love mitten: a velvet-gloved hand artfully milking my shaft…twenty minutes in, I nutted a cannonball.

Look. I’ve been skydiving in the arctic. I rafted the Grand Canyon. And I say to you – without reservation or condition – that mine and Lexi’s first f*^k was the most exhilarating experience of my life. I cried a newborn’s tears, for those tears told my truth: until enveloped in Lexi’s velvet blossom, I’d not lived an instant.

As I wept, she cradled me, pressing my face into her perfect bosom, “hush, sweetie, it’s okay. mmm…yes…shhh…baby…it’s okay” I can still hear her say. With her free hand Lexi rolled Purple Cindy in a blueberry flavored Backwoods. And before Cindy’s first cloud kissed my brain, I knew I was destroyed for all other women. Last week we celebrated 18 months of marriage.

But, just yesterday, uncle gryph, I discovered something horrible. Something that RUINS EVERYTHING!

My lexi, she’s a stripper. A lap jockey! A BURLESQUE!

She’d returned to our Lakeshore condo from a business trip. I found in her belongings a flyer for Sapphire’s Las Vegas. IT HER FACE AND MY BREASTS ON THE FLYER!

Come to find out when she’s not naked in front of strange men, she’s flown out to tend bar at Highlands Hollywood and Voyeur. Her gwap’s thicker than Monique. So, I can only believe that my wife’s goods are REGULARLY sampled by oil-money kerchief heads, pro athletes and TV stars.

Jealousy over took me. Riffling through her phone contacts I uncovered even GREATER HORRORS: pics of skinned out women – other lap jockeys – with whom she has relations.

Lexi flew into rage befitting a banshee when I confronted her with the evidence. She said the most hurtful things! But I stayed calm and said that I was leaving her.

Next thing I knew, Alexia clasped that sopping silky glory hole around my d*^k and f*^ked my loving back into her. It was like the first time, only BETTER IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. I didn’t even nut: that might have killed me. No. I had one of those tantric seizure-like giz-free orgasms and then slept soundly for two days with the face of god burned into my eyes.

When I woke it was to a negligeed, lightly greased Lexi fixing me a Porterhouse.

I should leave, right? I know I should. But I don’t want to lose her. What I am I to do?

Yaashin from originally from the Bram-Boogie.

yaashin,

i was awed and pained by your suffering. as good as things can be, you need to accept that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. i know that this is something that you don’t want to do, but nephew, the only way to help yourself is to go suck your mother.

yeah. that’s what I said. Go SUCK yuh MUMA! you dribbling prick. i don’t see NO kinna problem here, doggy. all i’m seeing is a simpering rat of a man using some phony “my life’s so hard because I married a sexylicious, bi- woman who’s p*ssy isn’t guarded only by st. peter but by brinks too” bullshit to style all over a n*gga. help you? i’d help you into a moat stocked with starved alligators, sh*t bird.

yeah. go suck your mom’s, guy. real talk. and i hope you’re allergic to seafood.

now: to the nephews who aren’t transplanted b-town douches how might be in relatable “predicaments” (i.e., being trapped by a rich, but abusive sex-goddess), i offer my heartfelt and experience-hewn advice.

1. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! She’s drago, you are appollo creed. she will BREAK you…but, who are we kidding, though? you know aren’t going any damn where. i just said that so tiyc lawyers don’t make mad faces at me. let’s proceed to #2, shall we?

2. BE A MAN: men don’t let testosterone turn them stupid. if a woman is giving you nasty “o”, paying your bills and keeping you in a standard of living you can’t provide for yourself – and she’s leaving you alone for days on end so you can get into whatever trouble your little heart might desire: drink a tall glass of ‘stop being a b*tch’. like that ASSHOLE yaashin knows, billions of XY’ers wouldn’t blink before stabbing you between the 2nd and 3rd rib with a spork to take your spot. keeping that woman in ‘love’, nephew is how you keep life LUSH. which brings us to #3

3. LEARN YOUR WOMAN: don’t be self-absorbed: patting yourself on the back for landing such a catch or fretting about how long it will last. understand just why she chose you in the first place and angle things so you both have the best experience possible. but, she will eventually leave you. so prepare. use every trick: legalistic or psycho-emotional to delay that inevitability until you’ve built up sizeable equity in the family home or until she’s legally obligated to cut you a cheque for life (shout out to the former Mrs. Kobe Bryant).

you deserve to live good. just don’t be a boasy little sh*t about it like that b-town rat-man decided to be, or expect to find your uncle gryph – spork in hand – ready to horn in on your racket.

it rarely happens, like a lunar eclipse or people looking at fully clothed rihanna for more than 45 seconds, but your uncle gryph has been wrong before.

oh yes. and please keep sending your `problems’ to askunclegryph@gmail.com

Ladies & Gentleman, I Can Not Stress Enough The Importance Of Knowing Your Significant Other’s Financial Situation From How Much They Make, To Their Weekly Spending Habits Right Down To Their Credit Score. Some People Feel Really Awkward About Bringing That Stuff Up Because It Seems So Invasive, Especially If You Add The Dynamic That’s Causing So Much Controversy In The Black Community: Where The Woman Is Earning MORE Than Her Man. You Don’t Wan’t To Look Like A Self-Importance B*tch To Him, But The Reality Is You NEED To Know Exactly What Your Partner’s Financial Situation Is Like, Because If You Are Planning On Building A Life Together, Money Will ALWAYS Be An Important Topic. Love Doesn’t Pay The Bills.

Now I Get That Some People Have An Issue With This Because There Are Many People Who Believe, Even In A Serious Relationship, That Both Parties Should Maintain Their Own Individual And Separate Accounts, Thereby Eliminating Arguments Over How One Account Can Be Used By Two People. That Mentality Works Good For Casual Dating – But When You Decide On Getting SERIOUS (i.e. Shacking Up, Engaged, Married) There Are WAY Too Many Financial Risks And Responsibilities For You To Avoid That Conversation. Mortgage Payments, Credit Scores, Bank Account Figures, Retirement Fund Amounts Will Ultimately Affect YOU As A Couple, And Before You Even Get SERIOUS You Need To See If It Makes Financial Dollars And ‘Sense’ To Build Together. I’m Not Saying To Eliminate Separate Accounts, But Knowing What’s In Each Other’s Accounts Shouldn’t Be Like Trying To Figure Out If Jay-Z Is A Free Mason.

This Conversation Always Tends To Make Some People Get EXTRA FRUMPY And DEFENSIVE (Either The One Who Ain’t Making A DAMN Thing And Can’t Move On From Their “Lead Generator” Job At The Weed Man Call Center, Or The One Who Makes More And Looks At Their Partner Funny Whenever They Sing Along To Teairra Mari’s “Sponsor” Song) And If That’s The Case, Don’t Press The Issue: Just Pack Your Ish And Walk Out The Front Door Because That Person Is Not Committed To Being Truly Serious About The Relationship.

All Throughout Your Serious Romance You Will Be Presented With Important Financial Decisions To Make, And The Second You Start To Neglect Addressing Them Is The Second You Start Setting Yourself Up For A Sad Surprise. *Cue Lynne From The Real Housewives Of Orange County*

This Is Your Conscience

Now Drake gon' have to apologize with the quickness..

Let’s keep it real: We ALL have friends and family members in relationships with people we deem to be DOUCHEBAGS, BUT they are so in love with their significant other that we realize saying anything TOO negative will run the risk of driving a wedge between us and our loved ones. So what do we do? We hold it ALL inside until that inevitable day we get that call from our friend saying they finally up and left that LOSER. But here’s where many of us make an incredibly STUPID mistake: We don’t give the break-up enough of a grace period before we share our wildly evil and hurtful thoughts.

The reason this topic came to mind is due to the fact that Kobe was recently spotted at one of his games with his [possibly] soon-to-be ex-wife Vanessa, looking VERY much like a happily married couple (or at least one trying to reconcile and work through their problems).

Kobe kissing Vanessa on Valentines Day at Hawks game

But here’s where the problem comes in: While Kobe was trading all his damn assets over to Vanessa, the world was sitting back and trying to have Kobe’s back by calling her a gold-digging wh0re – and now they may reconcile, while A LOT of people’s DISSES are still very much in the mind of Vanessa, but even worse, KOBE. Can you imagine how many of his close friends and family came out and said a bunch of WILD-SH*T they can’t even take back now? He probably got some close dudes saying sh*t like “Nigga, you don’t need that stankin’ ass, loose-p*ssy b*tch with teeth like a 80′s Casio keyboard and an ass with more lumps than homemade cottage cheese! F*^k that h0e my nigga!” Hell, drake even put her in a popular song and created a line that will live in pop-culture lore for a minute:

“Kobe bout to lose $150 M’s/
Kobe my nigga, I hate it had to be him/
B*TCH, you wasn’t with me shootin’ in the gym”

But that “B*TCH” is [possibly] gonna go back to being Kobe’s wife, the love of his life, the beautiful mother of his children and the most important woman in his life [right along with his mother and daughters], so the next time Drake sees him, he’s gonna have to cop more pleas than R. Kelly being caught at a Junior High cheerleading competition.

But the interesting part of this scenario is that we ALL go through this very same situation with our friends, and sometimes more than once with the same friend. Soon as we hear they break up, we’re already going in talking about how frowsy and WHUTLESS they are, then two weeks later they are trying to work it out and now sh*t’s gotten awkward.

The best way to avoid making an ASS out of yourself is to show restraint for a LONG period of time before you make completely negative statements. If your friend was in a LONG relationship than wait LONG before you go in on their ex, because no matter how much strength they try to show you, there’s a LARGE part of them that wants that person back, and if they GET them, all that sh*t you said when they weren’t together will NEVER be forgotten by that person.

This Is Your Conscience

He's been waiting all day for you...

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Valentine’s Day/New Year’s Eve/Your Birthday/Your Anniversary/President’s Day/Family Day/Tax Refund Day/Whatever Occasion is “Special” to you day, and it’s time to get some good nani and richard in celebration – some of the BEST you’ve ever had, right?!

Ladies, the second you’re gonna walk in the house it’s already gonna be dimly lit and smelling like Vanilla incense with some slow, sexy music playing..

As your eyes finally adjust, you see your man standing in the doorway of the bedroom in only some black boxer beefs with his shirt off, oiled up and smelling perfect while staring at you with that “your wet p*ssy is mine tonight” look. He doesn’t say anything to you, he just walks over and slowly takes your jacket off, puts your bag down and picks you up under your ass and sits you on the counter and kisses you deeply, letting your tongues explore one another. Before you know it, his quick yet skillful hands have undone your bra leaving you topless, while his right one is firmly caressing each nipple and the left one has slid up your skirt and is gently massaging your p*ssy through your thong. You instinctively reach down and realize he’s long and hard for you, and you get instantaneously MORE wet than you’ve ever been. You KNOW It’s a gonna be a good night to cap off a great day.

As much as he knows you love romance, he’s DYING to F*^K the sh*t out of you, so he literally tears your panties off [which is cool, because he bought you much better new ones anyways]. And before you can say “baby let’s move to the bedr..” he’s already circling his tongue over your clit and you’re already cumming all over his tongue begging to feel his hard long d*ck deep inside of you. As you stand there in the kitchen fully naked, he bends you over the stove and rubs the head of his d*ck up and down your wet nani, teasing you while letting you get a feel for it’s size and strength – and then he thrusts in. You slowly feel every inch stretch your walls until it finally hits the back and the long strokes begin, leaving you weak in the knees like SWV. Your p*ssy is creaming all over him and once he slaps your ass, you feel your entire body shake in orgasm as you squirt all over his d*ck and collapse face first down on the stove – but he’s not done. He carries you to the bedroom and lays you down, looks over at you and says “Baby…you ready again?”

She's expecting you...

Gentlemen, we already love everything about our woman from her beautiful face to her fine-ass body and coming home to a quiet house and seeing her lying on the bed with those “I’m putting it on you tonight” eyes is already gonna have you peeling clothes off as you step closer and closer to her. But instead of taking control, she flips you onto the bed and is pulling your belt off and pants down showing how eagerly she NEEDS to have every inch of you in her mouth. To suck, deep throat and swallow – then ride you until you cum all over whatever body part you want. GREAT damn sex for a very special day.

OK, back to REALITY folks. The truth is special occasion sex is RARELY ever like the situations I mentioned above. Why, you ask? Because the problem with special occasion sex is that it is so PREDICTABLE that the excitement is usually not there and the lust ends up being heavily manufactured. Seeing as it’s February 15th, how many of y’all had the WILDEST, most SQUIRTASTIC sex you’ve ever had in your life last night? I’m guessing next to NONE of you. And that’s not because of the day in itself, as much as it is about scheduled nani/richard just simply NOT being hot in the streets.

My point is simply this: Picture both scenarios above happening again – on just a regular old Tuesday evening for no particular reason. THAT would be a LOT hotter than ANY usual, predictable, overrated Special Occasion Sex.

This Is Your Conscience

She's NOT gonna count him...cause she's drunk...and it's only 2 minutes...plus she's on vacation..

Yesterday, Independent Woman wrote a post titled Dear Men, Interrogate Your Woman About Her Past At YOUR OWN RISK in which she stated that men should flat out avoid asking their women about who they slept with in the past and other sordid details about her sexual history. But in the comment section, Susan Jordan said something that was 100% truth: “RARELY do women say the truth. I know a FEW women who will flat out LIE to their partner and pretend that some situations “didn’t count.” And That’s the problem with even asking about someone’s past – as much as men lie and women lie, they CAN make numbers lie too.

And where Susan and other women may know a FEW other females who skewer their body count with all types of random-ass asterisks, the reality is the VAST majority of women [if not ALL] do this. When it comes to determining her body count, I’ve heard MANY women use ALL types of BS excuses to attempt to validity to herself and others that her number is actually lower than what it realistically SHOULD be. The MOST common excuses are:

- Outta-town richard
- Vacation richard
- Drunk richard
- Didn’t bust a nut richard
- Only the tip richard
- Couldn’t stay hard richard
- Terrible richard
- Small richard

Oh and to make matters worse, there’s many women who count threesomes and orgies as 1 dude. The logic is counting the entire sexcapade as ONE ACT, therefore not needing separate recognition of each individual man. Ladies, the BS has got to stop.

Wait, allow me to correct myself, Ladies AND Gentlemen, the BS has to stop. And yes men, we DEFINITELY need a lesson on how to accurately calculate OUR body counts too.

I have heard dudes add ALL kinds of bodies to their count, some of whom they weren’t even in the same room with. As disgusting as it is, there are MANY men who feel that damn near EVERYTHING encompasses a notch on the bedpost, so allow me to debunk some of these stats:

- Getting head doesn’t count
- Giving head doesn’t count
- Dry humping doesn’t count [even if you bust in your Levi's]
- Daggering a chick in a Jamaican Dancehall doesn’t count
- Cyber-sex doesn’t count
- Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and masturbating so it feels like someone else is doing it doesn’t count

"She just text me a picture of her nani...that counts...right?!"

I know dudes who have been in orgies and counted all the women in the room including the ones they never touched, plus the cleaning lady, the front desk clerk and damn near every woman in the entire hotel. See the unfortunate fallacy for men is that we feel the need to enhance our numbers to prove to women that we have a high social net worth from OTHER women, so the women WE want will like us MORE because so many other women like us. While that is true to an extent, the reality is that we are constantly trying to inflate our numbers while women are desperately trying to decrease their own.

"She didn't count...I mean I'm not even gay..."

So HERE’S how you accurately calculate your body count: Ladies, add up all the men whose penises have penetrated your vagina, and men, add up all the women whose vaginas you have penetrated [with consent of course].

I don’t give a damn about how much time elapsed during the act, where it occurred, how good it was or if it was just the tip for 1 second – it ALL counts.

coitus co·i·tus (kō’ĭ-təs, kō-ē’-)
n.
Sexual union between a male and a female involving insertion of the penis into the vagina. Also called coition, copulation.

So before you decide to parade your number around, please use THIS definition to accurately calculate your body count.

This Is Your Conscience